2 days ago
Why Mel Robbins Says Parents Must Fix Their Own Screen Time First
The author and podcast host gets candid about her own 'screen time' struggles and shares her best tips for parents to model a healthier digital Points
Kids learn phone habits from parents, so modeling mindful and intentional use is the first step to creating balance.
Simple family rules, like no phones in bedrooms or at the dinner table, help protect connection and presence.
Using phones for shared fun, like a family group chat, can strengthen bonds while still setting healthy limits.I know I'm not alone when I say that Mel Robbins, the award-winning podcast host and New York Times best-selling author, has changed my life. After all, she is one of the most followed experts in mindset, behavior change, and life improvement.
She often starts her bi-weekly podcast by saying, 'Hey, it's your friend Mel.' And, I truly feel like I'm about to hang out with and get advice from a friend who's not afraid of tough love, honest feedback, and deep inner reflection.
From her 'Let Them' theory to 'a-ha' moments that have boosted my confidence, Robbins is a big presence in my life. So when I had the opportunity to chat with her before the Verizon Unplugged with Mel Robbins event in New York City, it was a bucket list moment.
The event focused on a topic that almost every parent needs guidance on—creating healthy digital wellness habits and mindful phone use. It's part of Verizon's initiative to empower families to build safer, healthier relationships with technology. Robbins was even joined on stage for the first time with her son, 19-year-old Oakley, to share his honest perspective on how screen time has evolved in the Robbins household and how it affects his life as a college student.
Breaking the Summer Screen Time Rules
With back-to-school season upon us, screen time is a big topic of conversation in my own household. We've diligently put a daily, 90-minute timer on my 10-year-old daughter's iPad. During the school year, she's so busy that often, she doesn't even use the entire allotted time.
But in the summer, it's a different story. Neither my schedule nor my husband's slows down because, so often, we cave and add extra time to keep the boredom at bay. I worry about my daughter pushing back when school starts in just a few weeks and screen time rules are back in place—which is where my conversation with Robbins began for Parents.
'I think the most important takeaway is that a lot of us, as parents, feel like we have completely lost control of the situation during the summer. You have to think about it in zones of time—because you said something really important, which is that during the school year, it's easier to enforce those types of boundaries during the week because you have school to lean on,' says Robbins.
Parents, though, need to be modeling similar boundaries for themselves.
'It's very important to understand—even though it may not feel like it—that it starts with the parent. When we are always on our phones, or on our phones more than we'd like to be, it translates to our kids being that way. So the hard advice is that it starts with you,' she adds.
Work Is Just An Excuse
I thought of all the times that I gave my daughter extra screen time because I needed ten extra minutes to make a work call or answer "urgent" emails. My phone is where most of my 'work' often takes place, which Robbins immediately called out as an 'excuse,' citing her own experience.
'I was guilty of this. I would literally be like, 'I got to work,' and my phone was always in my hand. Then the second I was done answering emails, I put the phone down and would scream at everybody in my family [to put their phones down]—because they weren't putting it down on my timeline,' Robbins shares. 'We've started to tell ourselves we have to be available all the time. But when you're available to everything, you're actually not present to anything. Our kids think that we're doing on our phones what they're doing on theirs—and then just blaming it on work.'
That really resonated with me. Being distracted by my phone has caused me to miss important conversations or not be fully engaged during precious family time. But it's also become a security blanket. I will mindlessly turn to my phone when I'm bored, uncomfortable or not in the mood to socialize in public."We've started to tell ourselves we have to be available all the time. But when you're available to everything, you're actually not present to anything."
Mel RobbinsThe Grocery Store Test
Robbins suggests a test to see just how dependent you are on your phone.
'Here's a test. Can you stand in line at the grocery store and not look at your phone?' Robbins asked me. Of course, I sheepishly admitted the answer was 'no.'
Thankfully, Robbins understood all too well.
'A couple of years ago, I couldn't do it either because I would feel bored or stressed or nervous or distracted. That's using your phone mindlessly instead of mindfully. That's using it unintentionally instead of intentionally,' Robbins explains. 'So you, as the parent, before we even look at the kids, look at yourself. Can you stand in line? Do you have your phone at the table? If you do, it starts with you.'
She suggests the best place to start is by enforcing a no-phone policy at the dinner table or when eating out at a restaurant.
'I looked around at restaurants and saw how many people go out to dinner with others and don't talk to them. It made me realize that my attention is really important. So, how do I start to protect it?' shares Robbins. 'How do I use the phone for all the things that are super important to use it for, but how do I also put it down so that I can be present with myself and present with the people that I care about?'
Saying Goodnight to Phones
One way Robbins has achieved that is by making sleep a priority and not allowing screens in the bedroom at night. In fact, Robbins suggested my husband and I start reversing my daughter's summer screen time habits by having the whole family start going to bed earlier and get back into the school year's evening routine in the weeks before school starts.
'One big rule that can be very simple and very helpful is when you go up to bed, the phone stays downstairs. When I tuck you in, I take the phone and I plug it in,' suggests Robbins.
For those with older kids, Robbins says it's important to start looking at the phone with curiosity and not assume it's all bad, as it does serve a purpose.
'When you look at the phone, you need to see your child's best friend because that's who they're connecting with,' she explains.
A New Connection
Phones are how this generation connects. Robbins likens it to when your kids have a sleepover and you bang on the door at midnight because they're still up and being too loud.
'Well, that's what they're doing on their phones. They just want to hang out with their best friend,' says Robbins.
That was one of the points that Robbins' son Oakley, made during the conversation portion of the event that really surprised me. He confirmed that he mainly uses his phone for connection and to be in touch with his friends.
But Robbins says that as the parent of the house—you must make the rules and know it's okay to be the bad guy—with a little compassion.
'One thing that I didn't understand at first is that our kids get a lot of pressure from their friends to be available. But what's wonderful is you can tell them to blame you when it's time to get off the phone,' says Robbins.
In fact, Oakley agrees it's really important for parents to know that it's okay to be the bad guy. He explained that he has friends who don't use their phones that often and feel bad when people complain they are hard to reach. But Oakley admits that secretly, kids like being able to blame their parents if they're not able to get to their phone, so they don't feel as bad about letting their friends down.
Enter the Group Chat
Because Robbins is all about balance, she encourages families to use their phones for fun, too. Her favorite way to do that is via the creation of a family group chat—complete with a really fun name.
'You know how you have a good friend who you share memes back and forth with? That's one of the things you should do in your family group chat,' says Robbins. Another thing Robbins loves is a 'roll call.'
'I have a daughter that lives in L.A., a daughter that lives in New York, a son in college, and my husband will go off into the woods hiking somewhere. All of a sudden everybody's replying with photos, and it makes you feel connected. It turns the phone into this incredible way to lean in and have fun,' explains Robbins.
If the family group chat sounds good to you, of course, Robbins has an assignment.
'If you're reading this, you be the fun master and start the chat. Don't expect everyone to text immediately. But be the one that goes in there every day, calls people out, cheers for them, and sends funny photos,' she suggests. 'You'll be surprised. Within a week, those photos will start rolling in, and that family group chat will become this great place for you guys to connect and have fun.'
Read the original article on Parents
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