20 hours ago
Meeting man who assaulted me gave me back my power — don't deny others the same right
The average person might assume this is the correct decision. But who are we to make that decision?
Ailbhe Griffith: 'I wanted to know why he did it and why he did it to me.' Picture: Damien Eagers / INM
When I read recent news reports about a Spanish woman's request for a restorative justice meeting with the man who raped her on a Dublin city centre street, I was delighted. Having gone through the same process myself, I knew how life-changing it can be.
Imagine my disappointment, then, when the court was told that, even though the attacker agreed to meet the woman, the court was told by the Probation Service that this could not happen. The reason? He did not accept full responsibility for his crime.
The average person might assume this is the correct decision. But who are we to make that decision? Surely this woman should be allowed to proceed, should she wish, with the benefit of this information. While much positive work has been done in restorative justice by the Victims' Unit of the Probation Service, I'm desperately disappointed in the outcome here.
When Prof Marie Keenan and I approached the Probation Service in 2014 seeking a restorative justice meeting with the man who physically and sexually assaulted me on my way home, we were met with caution. The offender in my case was considered a risk. He initially refused to meet, but changed his mind some months later.
In my case, he had pleaded guilty but I was told he was not willing to apologise to me in the restorative justice meeting. Many people would have expected me to back out, but I had no intention of doing so. An apology wasn't even on my radar. I wanted to know why he did it and why he did it to me. I wanted to know if he had intended to kill me. More than anything, I wanted an opportunity to sit in a safe space and look at him directly in the eyes. It was a soul-level yearning that would not dissipate.
Many along the way had tried to dissuade me, reminding me that he was dangerous, that he could never give me honest answers, but they were missing the point. It wasn't about getting something 'from' him. What I needed was to take back my power in his presence by facing my fears.
Prof Marie Keenan, who helped Ailbhe Griffith in her push for a restorative justice meeting
During the assault, the only word in my mind was 'stop'. As soon as I was rescued, the next word was 'why'. This is a man I had never spoken to in my life, and yet he had directed his venomous hatred and rage at me. As I tore at the grass to stop myself from screaming as he bit me repeatedly, I was certain he would kill me.
He transformed into a monster — I had never seen a human behave that way. I knew it wasn't me, Ailbhe, he wanted to attack or destroy. I wasn't a human to him either; just a representation of a female on whom he could act out his misogynistic rage.
But the dehumanisation needed to end. The truth was, the more of a monster he was to me, the more of a victim I felt. But I did not want to live in a perpetual state of disempowerment. I knew he could not escape seeing my humanity if he was sitting in a chair opposite me, unlike during the court appearances, when he didn't glance at me even once.
Participating in restorative justice has changed 'the memory card' for me. Sometimes around mid-summer, even 20 years later, I'll find myself walking at night, when the smell of the warm summer air transports me back to the assault. I go back to the seconds before it happened and the crescendo of terror that I felt.
And just as the terrifying memories flood in, I remember something else, another time with this same man.
Same person, completely different context. I remember how healing it was to face him in a restorative justice meeting and how I got all the answers to my questions. I remember speaking with him, human to human, and the moments where we wished each other well. As I continue my walk, I smile all the way down to my core and remember that I have my power back and I continue with peace in my heart.
I wish the same for this Spanish woman, and so many others who deserve nothing less. It is time to give victims their power back by giving them the right to choose restorative justice. Those working within the criminal justice system should not reinforce their victimhood by taking that choice away — we owe them that.
