4 days ago
Have we met? My life as a comedian who can't remember a single face
The plane began to shudder and bounce. I gripped my arm rest as the worst turbulence I'd ever experienced rocked the flight. I thought: 'This is it — this is the moment I'm going to die.' My mind turned to my mum and dad but I was unable to picture their faces. Some people might see their life flashing before their eyes at that moment, but I was unable to conjure up anything.
Days before the flight, a comedian I was gigging with told me he couldn't picture things in his head, a condition called aphantasia. I told him I couldn't either. I've never been able to picture anything in my mind's eye. It dawned on me that I had the same thing.
I find it crazy that people can think in images. We simply assume our brains work the same way as everyone else's. We're constructing our reality but our constructions of the world are completely different. Mine is all about language. I think in words.
The main way in which it affects me is that I've got a terrible memory, particularly when in Edinburgh during the Fringe Festival because there are so many people. I've no idea if they are comedians, audience members or if I'm just madly waving at a stranger.
Once, after a gig, a guy started talking to me. He was really friendly but I'd no idea who he was. Because I was at the festival I took a punt and asked him how his show was going. It turned out he was a school friend and he then figured out I'd been talking to him for a quarter of an hour pretending I knew who he was.
People think I'm rude. But I'm not rude, I just really struggle to remember faces. If you try to explain aphantasia it sounds a bit mad to a lot of people, as many are unable to conceptualise not being able to see images in your head.
• Up to 5% of people can't visualise things. What's that like?
When I watch films, I forget what happened. There are a lot of films I've watched two or three times and I wouldn't be able to tell you anything about them.
But the main effect aphantasia has had on me is that I have a poor autobiographical memory. I remember little of my childhood. It affects your sense of self. For a few years I was like: 'Why can't I remember who I am?' Later on, when my former girlfriend would ask me about our first date, I couldn't remember the details. It's frustrating. I have a lot of pictures on my phone to help remind me.
Finding out I had aphantasia made me realise my 'problems' were because my brain worked in a different way. For ages I would think: 'What's wrong with me?' I'd go to therapy and be asked to visualise something but I just couldn't.
Now I can think: 'This is just how my brain works.' It's a hardware issue, not something bad-bad. When I understood that, a lot of the self-recrimination went away. Aphantasia is thought to affect about 4 per cent of the population, 2.7 million people nationwide, and it helps to know I'm not alone.
I'm quite emotionally numb in my life, which is apparently a characteristic of people with aphantasia. Because I don't remember moments like other people do — I can't picture them — I feel things a bit less strongly. I can't remember that scene of breaking up with someone, which makes life slightly less intense. When I think of that breakup, I'm not playing it back and feeling the emotionals. Most people experience their memories as some kind of film playing in their head. I don't.
I'm quite a dark comedian sometimes, without particularly meaning to be, and I wonder if that's because of my condition. When I started out I was always shocked by the reaction of audiences and I think that's because I'm not seeing the visuals I'm creating. I don't have that visceral reaction to jokes other people do. Instead, I see them as word puzzles.
Aphantasia hasn't yet made it into my Fringe show this year. I forgot what a strange thing it was. But there is still a bit of time before it starts, so I can imagine some jokes about it might make their way in. I like to think it makes me a better comedian because all that I have are words.
