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Kid Convinces Mom to Buy Her A Cookie — Why This Top Therapist Loves the Interaction
Authoritarian parenting is increasingly falling out of favor, and Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and leading researcher on relationships, welcomes the change.
Recently, Gottman came across a TikTok video in which a mother orders a coffee at a drive-thru. When her young daughter asks for a cookie, she's told, 'We have cookies at home.' Without missing a beat, the girl replies, 'Well, we have coffee at home.' Her logic is sound, and she gets the cookie.
Though the moment, captured by content creator Charles Trippy, was staged, with similar clips circulating online for years, it doesn't change Gottman's takeaway. He hopes more parents will see interactions like this, not as chances to assert control, but as opportunities to help their children feel seen and heard.
'Instead of responding with, 'You can't have a cookie because I said so,' they reinforced her for being logical,' Gottman tells 'And it makes me very happy to see that.'
One of the key goals of parenting. Gottman suggests, is to raise kids who can think independently and aren't blindly obedient to authority. Ideally, they grow into thoughtful citizens, people who, when faced with power or pressure, can evaluate what's being asked of them and respond critically.
'We want kids who say, 'I don't agree with this, and here's why,'' Gottman explains.
He believes that's especially important when raising girls, noting that self-assured women are less likely to end up in controlling or unhealthy relationships. Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, co-founders of the Gottman Institute in Washington State, are the parents of a 34-year-old daughter, Moriah, who recently graduated from medical school.
Gottman recalls a time when Moriah, a talented jazz singer, was dating a man who didn't want her to perform in public. She ended the romance, a firm, empowered decision that he says made him 'incredibly proud.'
'You want a daughter who can stand up for herself, someone who knows her worth and doesn't tolerate being told what she can or can't do,' he says. 'We don't want to raise compliant, passive children — boys or girls —because they won't grow up believing in themselves.'
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