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Telegraph
26-05-2025
- General
- Telegraph
I'm decluttering due to divorce – here's how to make it easy on you and your ex
My marriage broke down last year, after over a decade of togetherness and three young children. With 42 per cent of couples choosing to end their relationship after an average of 13 years together, there's a strange comfort in knowing I'm a disappointingly average statistic. Of course, we tried all the cliched things to stay together, a complete upheaval of our lives to the countryside from London, multiple attempts at couples' therapy, we even bought a puppy, but in the end, there was no avoiding the inevitable. For a myriad of reasons we had reached the end of the road. With our children all being pre-teens, we decided that the 'nesting' approach would be the kindest solution to separate living arrangements while we navigate the longer process and nitty-gritty of divorcing, from the legal stuff to the tricky division of our belongings. 'Nesting': What is it and how does it help? Nesting involves the children staying put in the family home, with the parents alternating being there with them. This method has become increasingly popular over recent years, designed to minimise the disruption to the children's lives by not being shipped between two houses while you all figure out this new normal. However, this only works if both parties adhere to the boundaries and structures in place. If it goes on for longer than planned it can fast become destabilising for the parents to live like this. And if that happens, who is actually steering the ship? So, it's not for everyone, and is usually a medium term solution before the family home is sold. However, one plus side to my experience of 'nesting' was that it inevitably started the process of removing certain belongings from the family home to furnish a little separate sleepover pad without too much emotion involved. My ex and I were sharing both spaces – the pad and the home – taking turns looking after the children. I ensured that during the time I spent away from the children and the family home, I would be surrounded with photos of them and simple things that brought me comfort: my favourite pillow – as I got used to sleeping alone again – my mother's vase to fill with fresh flowers for myself, my softest blanket to snuggle under on too-quiet evenings as the chaotic bedtime routine unfolded at home without me. And my ex could do the same with the things that mattered to him in his solitude. Even if we don't consider ourselves materialistic, there is comfort, attachment and memories associated with certain objects. I have my grandmother's old g-plan coffee table, complete with mug stains and scratches, not because it's hugely aesthetically pleasing, but because the mug stains belong to her, and even though she died decades ago, there are traces of her still alive in the object. I think of how she taught me to play gin rummy on that table. Aged eight, I sat cross-legged on her floral carpet as she dealt the deck. Flicking her cigar into a marble ashtray and sipping Guinness, she was a formidable 97-year-old hustler. Antique furniture and that vinyl collection The sentimental objects that only have resonance with one of you are obviously easier to agree on when it comes to splitting belongings. I doubt my ex cares much for Granny's coffee table, for example. But the trickier elements of a divorce declutter come into play when you try and decide who keeps the things that hold meaning to you both as these things can evoke strong emotions and memories, making the process challenging. For me, I found the biggest struggle was the antique furniture we'd accumulated over many years together and that we both still love, and the vinyl collection that had steadily grown with a passion for music and similar tastes. Dividing things up according to who bought them can be tricky too. As many (typically) women will know, it's not as simple as 'who paid for it gets to keep it', because if this were true, my years of sacrificing my own career to be a stay-at-home-mum would have me sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor. The psychological benefit of binning stuff Roop Kaur, a BA Hons psychotherapist based in London, has worked with many couples throughout her years of practice, 'There can be several reasons for a marriage breakdown, some can be worked on, but some have just come to their expiry date.' She adds, 'When there is a longer marriage breakdown, then feelings of rejection, shame, guilt and disappointment may be experienced, but it's in that moment that you accept the duration of the ride was good, but it is time to now get off the bus, leaving the baggage behind. To avoid flashbacks it's always good to clear out, and detach from anything that was related to the marriage, but to hold and cherish the good ones if they exist.' This advice can be attributed not only to the emotions involved in the break-up but to the objects amassed throughout a couple's time together. Ultimately what it might come down to in the end is compromise over what you're willing to let go of. Not ignoring the practicalities of course: if one of you has moved in with a new partner then you may find they have little need for the sofa or sideboards. Their new partner might not want to adorn their shared living space with paintings from that little gallery in Cornwall you sheltered in the rain from on your soggy honeymoon, which only has symbolic meaning to you and your ex. Divorce is not only a legal and financial process but also a deeply emotional journey. The division of shared belongings, especially those with sentimental value, can significantly impact mental health and wellbeing. Everybody's situation will be unique, depending on how amicable the divorce is, but from my own personal experience here are my Dos and Don'ts. Dos of divorce decluttering Start small It can be overwhelming when there's a lifetime of things to decide on. Tackle one area at a time. Take your time Avoid impulsive decisions you may regret. Emotional clarity often comes gradually. Consider sentimental value Not everything is about money. There can be so much worth in the emotional attachment we hold towards certain objects that far outweighs any monetary value. Keep essentials Prioritise items that serve a purpose. As an interior designer, my first priority in design is ensuring a space works practically for how it's needed. Do you need the desk and office chair – then keep them. Will the dressing table fit in your new downsize – maybe not, get rid and use the bathroom mirror instead. Document key items Helpful in legal contexts. Making a record of key items with a value over £500 is part of legal proceedings when divorcing (Form E). So it's useful as you declutter to keep an inventory of these things. Aim for fairness, not 50/50 Value and attachment aren't always equal. Ask for help Enlist a neutral friend or professional organiser if needed. Don'ts of divorce decluttering Don't declutter angry Emotions can cloud judgment. Don't keep everything 'just in case' Be realistic. It can be hugely cathartic to learn to let go. After all, you've already started with the marriage. Don't forget paperwork Organise legal and financial documents. Make copies where needed. Don't do it all alone Support makes a big difference. If the nature of the split isn't amicable and you're left to do the lion's share, then call on good friends. You know who they are. Don't hold on to triggering items Let go of any objects that bring back painful memories – no matter how much you love it. It's time to move on. Dealing with Kids' Belongings Younger kids Keep what they currently use or love; consider whether a duplicate is needed for the other home. Grown-up kids Ask them to claim their belongings (don't store their clutter indefinitely – you will likely have less space to do this). Family photos/mementos Copies are simple and cheap to make or divide originals fairly. How to divide media and collectables Music collections Especially vinyl or CDs; can have emotional and monetary value. Ensure that if one of you keeps all the first pressings worth thousands and the other has Glenn Miller for 99p in Oxfam that the financial disparity isn't overlooked. Books Decide what still serves you; libraries or friends may welcome donations. Shared antiques/art/assets
Yahoo
26-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
I'm decluttering due to divorce – here's how to make it easy on you and your ex
My marriage broke down last year, after over a decade of togetherness and three young children. With 42 per cent of couples choosing to end their relationship after an average of 13 years together, there's a strange comfort in knowing I'm a disappointingly average statistic. Of course, we tried all the cliched things to stay together, a complete upheaval of our lives to the countryside from London, multiple attempts at couples' therapy, we even bought a puppy, but in the end, there was no avoiding the inevitable. For a myriad of reasons we had reached the end of the road. With our children all being pre-teens, we decided that the 'nesting' approach would be the kindest solution to separate living arrangements while we navigate the longer process and nitty-gritty of divorcing, from the legal stuff to the tricky division of our belongings. Nesting involves the children staying put in the family home, with the parents alternating being there with them. This method has become increasingly popular over recent years, designed to minimise the disruption to the children's lives by not being shipped between two houses while you all figure out this new normal. However, this only works if both parties adhere to the boundaries and structures in place. If it goes on for longer than planned it can fast become destabilising for the parents to live like this. And if that happens, who is actually steering the ship? So, it's not for everyone, and is usually a medium term solution before the family home is sold. However, one plus side to my experience of 'nesting' was that it inevitably started the process of removing certain belongings from the family home to furnish a little separate sleepover pad without too much emotion involved. My ex and I were sharing both spaces – the pad and the home – taking turns looking after the children. I ensured that during the time I spent away from the children and the family home, I would be surrounded with photos of them and simple things that brought me comfort: my favourite pillow – as I got used to sleeping alone again – my mother's vase to fill with fresh flowers for myself, my softest blanket to snuggle under on too-quiet evenings as the chaotic bedtime routine unfolded at home without me. And my ex could do the same with the things that mattered to him in his solitude. Even if we don't consider ourselves materialistic, there is comfort, attachment and memories associated with certain objects. I have my grandmother's old g-plan coffee table, complete with mug stains and scratches, not because it's hugely aesthetically pleasing, but because the mug stains belong to her, and even though she died decades ago, there are traces of her still alive in the object. I think of how she taught me to play gin rummy on that table. Aged eight, I sat cross-legged on her floral carpet as she dealt the deck. Flicking her cigar into a marble ashtray and sipping Guinness, she was a formidable 97-year-old hustler. The sentimental objects that only have resonance with one of you are obviously easier to agree on when it comes to splitting belongings. I doubt my ex cares much for Granny's coffee table, for example. But the trickier elements of a divorce declutter come into play when you try and decide who keeps the things that hold meaning to you both as these things can evoke strong emotions and memories, making the process challenging. For me, I found the biggest struggle was the antique furniture we'd accumulated over many years together and that we both still love, and the vinyl collection that had steadily grown with a passion for music and similar tastes. Dividing things up according to who bought them can be tricky too. As many (typically) women will know, it's not as simple as 'who paid for it gets to keep it', because if this were true, my years of sacrificing my own career to be a stay-at-home-mum would have me sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor. Roop Kaur, a BA Hons psychotherapist based in London, has worked with many couples throughout her years of practice, 'There can be several reasons for a marriage breakdown, some can be worked on, but some have just come to their expiry date.' She adds, 'When there is a longer marriage breakdown, then feelings of rejection, shame, guilt and disappointment may be experienced, but it's in that moment that you accept the duration of the ride was good, but it is time to now get off the bus, leaving the baggage behind. To avoid flashbacks it's always good to clear out, and detach from anything that was related to the marriage, but to hold and cherish the good ones if they exist.' This advice can be attributed not only to the emotions involved in the break-up but to the objects amassed throughout a couple's time together. Ultimately what it might come down to in the end is compromise over what you're willing to let go of. Not ignoring the practicalities of course: if one of you has moved in with a new partner then you may find they have little need for the sofa or sideboards. Their new partner might not want to adorn their shared living space with paintings from that little gallery in Cornwall you sheltered in the rain from on your soggy honeymoon, which only has symbolic meaning to you and your ex. Divorce is not only a legal and financial process but also a deeply emotional journey. The division of shared belongings, especially those with sentimental value, can significantly impact mental health and wellbeing. Everybody's situation will be unique, depending on how amicable the divorce is, but from my own personal experience here are my Dos and Don'ts. It can be overwhelming when there's a lifetime of things to decide on. Tackle one area at a time. Avoid impulsive decisions you may regret. Emotional clarity often comes gradually. Not everything is about money. There can be so much worth in the emotional attachment we hold towards certain objects that far outweighs any monetary value. Prioritise items that serve a purpose. As an interior designer, my first priority in design is ensuring a space works practically for how it's needed. Do you need the desk and office chair – then keep them. Will the dressing table fit in your new downsize – maybe not, get rid and use the bathroom mirror instead. Helpful in legal contexts. Making a record of key items with a value over £500 is part of legal proceedings when divorcing (Form E). So it's useful as you declutter to keep an inventory of these things. Value and attachment aren't always equal. Enlist a neutral friend or professional organiser if needed. Emotions can cloud judgment. Be realistic. It can be hugely cathartic to learn to let go. After all, you've already started with the marriage. Organise legal and financial documents. Make copies where needed. Support makes a big difference. If the nature of the split isn't amicable and you're left to do the lion's share, then call on good friends. You know who they are. Let go of any objects that bring back painful memories – no matter how much you love it. It's time to move on. Keep what they currently use or love; consider whether a duplicate is needed for the other home. Ask them to claim their belongings (don't store their clutter indefinitely – you will likely have less space to do this). Copies are simple and cheap to make or divide originals fairly. Especially vinyl or CDs; can have emotional and monetary value. Ensure that if one of you keeps all the first pressings worth thousands and the other has Glenn Miller for 99p in Oxfam that the financial disparity isn't overlooked. Decide what still serves you; libraries or friends may welcome donations. Items purchased together, such as furniture or art, can be difficult to divide fairly, leading to potential conflict. Assess the practicalities. Consider resale or rotation options but ultimately if you love the same thing it could just come down to good old-fashioned compromise. Broaden your horizons with award-winning British journalism. Try The Telegraph free for 1 month with unlimited access to our award-winning website, exclusive app, money-saving offers and more.
Times
19-05-2025
- Health
- Times
How cuddles before sleep help take stress out of relationships
There are many ways to fall asleep next to a partner. Some will opt for the classic spoon, one body curved neatly around the other. Others may prefer a respectful buffer zone, punctuated by the odd reassuring nudge of a foot. But could these private bedtime rituals say something deeper about the state of our emotional lives? A study from researchers in the US has suggested they might. Specifically, it found that couples who fall asleep while touching — be it wrapped around each other or just gently grazing limbs — may be buffering themselves against stress and quietly bolstering a sense of emotional safety. The researchers recruited 143 couples who regularly shared a bed and homed in on a key moment in the nightly
Forbes
07-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- Forbes
3 Ideas For Your Next ‘Date Night'—From A Psychologist
Unsure of how to go about planning your next date night? Consider these three psychological research ... More findings. getty When you're in a long-term relationship, it's easy for the excitement of date nights to fade into the background of everyday life. Yet, according to renowned relationship counselors Drs. John and Julie Gottman, date nights are vital to maintaining a thriving relationship. They recommend just two hours a week of dedicated one-on-one time with your partner to significantly boost happiness and health in your partnership. That might sound simple, but for many couples, it's not always easy to figure out what to do with those two hours. Especially when life feels repetitive, planning something special can seem daunting—whether you're trying to come up with new ideas, balance different interests, or just reignite the spark. Thankfully, however, a 2021 study from the Journal of Personal and Social Relationships offers three key insights into how to make the most of your date nights. One of the standout findings from the study is that couples who prioritize 'approach relationship goals' — in other words, those who seek positive and exciting experiences together — tend to feel more connected. Additionally, these couples are better at planning thrilling and stimulating dates — which are vital for keeping the romantic spark alive. When you've been together for a while, however, routine can become the enemy of excitement. Date nights can quickly turn into the same old thing — a quick dinner out, maybe a movie, then back home. There's nothing wrong with that, but over time, repeating the same activities can make it feel like your relationship is stuck in a rut. That's why the researchers suggest aiming for novelty and adventure when planning your dates. This doesn't mean you have to go skydiving every weekend, but it could be as simple as trying something new together. Prioritizing novelty and excitement is the most effective way to reignite that sense of excitement you felt in the early stages of your relationship. For instance: Outdoor adventure. Think about activities you wouldn't normally do together. It could be ziplining, paddleboarding or even just exploring a new hiking trail; being outside and trying something novel can make the date feel more invigorating. If you're more low-key, a simple picnic in a scenic, unfamiliar spot can create a lovely sense of adventure. Think about activities you wouldn't normally do together. It could be ziplining, paddleboarding or even just exploring a new hiking trail; being outside and trying something novel can make the date feel more invigorating. If you're more low-key, a simple picnic in a scenic, unfamiliar spot can create a lovely sense of adventure. Explore your city. Sometimes, the most exciting adventures can be right in your backyard. Try exploring a neighborhood you've never visited or checking out that new café you've been curious about. Going on a 'staycation' in your own town can offer a fresh perspective on familiar surroundings and make for a surprisingly fun date. Sometimes, the most exciting adventures can be right in your backyard. Try exploring a neighborhood you've never visited or checking out that new café you've been curious about. Going on a 'staycation' in your own town can offer a fresh perspective on familiar surroundings and make for a surprisingly fun date. Surprise each other. If planning a full-on adventure feels overwhelming, try incorporating a small element of surprise into your date night. You could plan a mystery destination, organize a themed date or add an unexpected twist to your usual routine. Surprises help break the predictability, as they keep things light and playful. 2. Plan A Date That Allows You To Grow Together Another key finding from the research is the link between self-expansion and date nights. Self-expansion is the idea that when we engage in activities that help us grow, learn, or challenge ourselves, we feel more fulfilled — and when we do those things with a partner, it can help us reconnect. In practice, this would entail planning dates that allow both partners to experience something new or develop a new skill together. Notably, the goal shouldn't be just to spend time together, but to engage in something that helps you grow individually and as a couple. You could learn something new, take on a challenge or explore a new interest; sharing such experiences alone can create a deeper sense of partnership. It's important to note that 'growth' doesn't always mean taking on something huge. Sometimes, it's all in the little moments that allow you to see each other in a new light or appreciate different facets of your personalities: Take a class together. Sign up for something that interests both of you —like a cooking class, pottery workshop or even something completely niche, like mixology or photography. Not only will you learn something new, but you'll have shared the experience of mastering a skill together — and you can laugh through the process together. Sign up for something that interests both of you —like a cooking class, pottery workshop or even something completely niche, like mixology or photography. Not only will you learn something new, but you'll have shared the experience of mastering a skill together — and you can laugh through the process together. Physical challenge. If you're feeling adventurous, try an activity that requires teamwork and pushes you physically, like rock climbing, kayaking or even a workout that's tough for your shared standards. Physical challenges can be an effective (and healthy) way to build trust and encourage each other to step out of your comfort zones. If you're feeling adventurous, try an activity that requires teamwork and pushes you physically, like rock climbing, kayaking or even a workout that's tough for your shared standards. Physical challenges can be an effective (and healthy) way to build trust and encourage each other to step out of your comfort zones. Cultural experiences. If you're more drawn to intellectual pursuits, consider exploring new cultural experiences together. Visit a museum exhibit you've never seen, attend a foreign film screening or explore a new genre of music. The goal should be to share something new that stimulates conversation and reflection. 3. Set Positive Intentions Before the Date Couples who approach their date nights with an open, positive mindset tend to have more meaningful and fulfilling experiences — according to the study's findings regarding approach relationship goals. Thus, setting positive intentions before a date can have a profound impact on its success. In fact, the mindset you bring to the date can be just as important as the activity itself. It's easy to let date nights fall into autopilot — going out because it's something you're 'supposed' to do, rather than actually thinking about how to make the most of the experience. But by taking a moment beforehand to set clear, positive intentions, you can turn a routine outing into something special. Consider what you want to achieve from the date: Do you want to feel more connected? Have deeper conversations? Or simply enjoy each other's company in a more relaxed, fun setting? Focus on connection, not perfection. It's important to remember that not every date needs to be perfect. The real value lies in how you connect with each other. Even if the evening doesn't go exactly as planned, focus on the quality of your conversations, laughter and little moments of contentment. It's important to remember that not every date needs to be perfect. The real value lies in how you connect with each other. Even if the evening doesn't go exactly as planned, focus on the quality of your conversations, laughter and little moments of contentment. Plan activities that suit your personalities. Don't feel pressured to plan a lavish or complex date if that's not your style. The best dates are those that reflect who you are as a couple. It doesn't matter if it's as simple as cooking a meal together or playing a board game; so long as you choose something that allows you both to relax and enjoy yourselves, it's a date night worth having. Don't feel pressured to plan a lavish or complex date if that's not your style. The best dates are those that reflect who you are as a couple. It doesn't matter if it's as simple as cooking a meal together or playing a board game; so long as you choose something that allows you both to relax and enjoy yourselves, it's a date night worth having. Connection-focused games. If you're looking for a deeper, more intimate date night at home, consider playing a game designed specifically to spark meaningful conversations. Games like We're Not Really Strangers , Unpack That or …and then, we held hands are perfect for couples who want to explore each other's thoughts, feelings and experiences on a level that everyday conversation doesn't allow for. Are date nights a thing of the past in your relationship? Take this science-backed test and find out if it's cause for concern: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
