I'm decluttering due to divorce – here's how to make it easy on you and your ex

Yahoo

26-05-2025

My marriage broke down last year, after over a decade of togetherness and three young children. With 42 per cent of couples choosing to end their relationship after an average of 13 years together, there's a strange comfort in knowing I'm a disappointingly average statistic.
Of course, we tried all the cliched things to stay together, a complete upheaval of our lives to the countryside from London, multiple attempts at couples' therapy, we even bought a puppy, but in the end, there was no avoiding the inevitable. For a myriad of reasons we had reached the end of the road.
With our children all being pre-teens, we decided that the 'nesting' approach would be the kindest solution to separate living arrangements while we navigate the longer process and nitty-gritty of divorcing, from the legal stuff to the tricky division of our belongings.
Nesting involves the children staying put in the family home, with the parents alternating being there with them. This method has become increasingly popular over recent years, designed to minimise the disruption to the children's lives by not being shipped between two houses while you all figure out this new normal. However, this only works if both parties adhere to the boundaries and structures in place. If it goes on for longer than planned it can fast become destabilising for the parents to live like this. And if that happens, who is actually steering the ship? So, it's not for everyone, and is usually a medium term solution before the family home is sold.
However, one plus side to my experience of 'nesting' was that it inevitably started the process of removing certain belongings from the family home to furnish a little separate sleepover pad without too much emotion involved. My ex and I were sharing both spaces – the pad and the home – taking turns looking after the children.
I ensured that during the time I spent away from the children and the family home, I would be surrounded with photos of them and simple things that brought me comfort: my favourite pillow – as I got used to sleeping alone again – my mother's vase to fill with fresh flowers for myself, my softest blanket to snuggle under on too-quiet evenings as the chaotic bedtime routine unfolded at home without me. And my ex could do the same with the things that mattered to him in his solitude.
Even if we don't consider ourselves materialistic, there is comfort, attachment and memories associated with certain objects. I have my grandmother's old g-plan coffee table, complete with mug stains and scratches, not because it's hugely aesthetically pleasing, but because the mug stains belong to her, and even though she died decades ago, there are traces of her still alive in the object. I think of how she taught me to play gin rummy on that table. Aged eight, I sat cross-legged on her floral carpet as she dealt the deck. Flicking her cigar into a marble ashtray and sipping Guinness, she was a formidable 97-year-old hustler.
The sentimental objects that only have resonance with one of you are obviously easier to agree on when it comes to splitting belongings. I doubt my ex cares much for Granny's coffee table, for example. But the trickier elements of a divorce declutter come into play when you try and decide who keeps the things that hold meaning to you both as these things can evoke strong emotions and memories, making the process challenging.
For me, I found the biggest struggle was the antique furniture we'd accumulated over many years together and that we both still love, and the vinyl collection that had steadily grown with a passion for music and similar tastes.
Dividing things up according to who bought them can be tricky too. As many (typically) women will know, it's not as simple as 'who paid for it gets to keep it', because if this were true, my years of sacrificing my own career to be a stay-at-home-mum would have me sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor.
Roop Kaur, a BA Hons psychotherapist based in London, has worked with many couples throughout her years of practice, 'There can be several reasons for a marriage breakdown, some can be worked on, but some have just come to their expiry date.'
She adds, 'When there is a longer marriage breakdown, then feelings of rejection, shame, guilt and disappointment may be experienced, but it's in that moment that you accept the duration of the ride was good, but it is time to now get off the bus, leaving the baggage behind. To avoid flashbacks it's always good to clear out, and detach from anything that was related to the marriage, but to hold and cherish the good ones if they exist.'
This advice can be attributed not only to the emotions involved in the break-up but to the objects amassed throughout a couple's time together.
Ultimately what it might come down to in the end is compromise over what you're willing to let go of. Not ignoring the practicalities of course: if one of you has moved in with a new partner then you may find they have little need for the sofa or sideboards. Their new partner might not want to adorn their shared living space with paintings from that little gallery in Cornwall you sheltered in the rain from on your soggy honeymoon, which only has symbolic meaning to you and your ex.
Divorce is not only a legal and financial process but also a deeply emotional journey. The division of shared belongings, especially those with sentimental value, can significantly impact mental health and wellbeing. Everybody's situation will be unique, depending on how amicable the divorce is, but from my own personal experience here are my Dos and Don'ts.
It can be overwhelming when there's a lifetime of things to decide on. Tackle one area at a time.
Avoid impulsive decisions you may regret. Emotional clarity often comes gradually.
Not everything is about money. There can be so much worth in the emotional attachment we hold towards certain objects that far outweighs any monetary value.
Prioritise items that serve a purpose. As an interior designer, my first priority in design is ensuring a space works practically for how it's needed. Do you need the desk and office chair – then keep them. Will the dressing table fit in your new downsize – maybe not, get rid and use the bathroom mirror instead.
Helpful in legal contexts. Making a record of key items with a value over £500 is part of legal proceedings when divorcing (Form E). So it's useful as you declutter to keep an inventory of these things.
Value and attachment aren't always equal.
Enlist a neutral friend or professional organiser if needed.
Emotions can cloud judgment.
Be realistic. It can be hugely cathartic to learn to let go. After all, you've already started with the marriage.
Organise legal and financial documents. Make copies where needed.
Support makes a big difference. If the nature of the split isn't amicable and you're left to do the lion's share, then call on good friends. You know who they are.
Let go of any objects that bring back painful memories – no matter how much you love it. It's time to move on.
Keep what they currently use or love; consider whether a duplicate is needed for the other home.
Ask them to claim their belongings (don't store their clutter indefinitely – you will likely have less space to do this).
Copies are simple and cheap to make or divide originals fairly.
Especially vinyl or CDs; can have emotional and monetary value. Ensure that if one of you keeps all the first pressings worth thousands and the other has Glenn Miller for 99p in Oxfam that the financial disparity isn't overlooked.
Decide what still serves you; libraries or friends may welcome donations.
Items purchased together, such as furniture or art, can be difficult to divide fairly, leading to potential conflict. Assess the practicalities. Consider resale or rotation options but ultimately if you love the same thing it could just come down to good old-fashioned compromise.
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