Latest news with #covertnarcissism
Yahoo
2 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
5 Signs You're In A Relationship With A Covert Narcissist
When you think of a narcissist, you probably picture someone whose behavior is grandiose, entitled and arrogant — what's known as an overt narcissist. But there's another, lesser-known type of narcissism that often flies under the radar: It's called 'covert narcissism.'And while a covert narcissist's behavior may be less obvious, it can be just as harmful to those in their orbit. Like overt narcissists, covert narcissists lack empathy for others, use manipulation to get their way and have a strong drive to feel special in comparison to other people. But the way the two different types of narcissists try to stand out is different, said clinical psychologist Craig Malkin. 'Covert narcissists don't feel special by virtue of positive qualities like attractiveness or intelligence; they feel exceptional because of their pain or suffering, agreeing with statements like 'most people don't understand my problems' and 'I'm temperamentally more sensitive compared to others,'' Malkin, author of 'Rethinking Narcissim,' told HuffPost. Related: Think of it this way: 'In overt narcissism, their vulnerabilities are hidden and their grandiosity is loud,' he said. 'In covert narcissism, the grandiosity is hidden but vulnerability is at full volume.' Covert narcissists may appear quiet, introverted, anxious or even depressed, said University of Georgia psychology professor W. Keith Campbell. 'It takes a while to see the self-centeredness and entitlement in covert narcissism because it's often indirect and comes out in them as anger about other people's success, and insecurity and defensiveness about not being appreciated,' Campbell, author of 'The New Science of Narcissism,' told HuffPost. It's also important to know that narcissism exists on a continuum; it's a trait all people possess to varying degrees. You can have narcissistic tendencies in a certain area of your life without meeting the clinical criteria for full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD — a diagnosable mental health condition. Covert narcissism is not a formal diagnosis, but it's a term mental health professionals often use 'to describe a certain manifestation of narcissism that has a lot of anxiety, insecurity and neuroticism along with it,' Campbell said. 'People use the term 'covert narcissist' informally to describe somebody who is high on that personality trait of covert narcissism,' he said. 'But that is not a clinical description.' So what does covert narcissism look like in a romantic relationship? Experts explain some signs to watch out for below: They constantly play the victim. No matter the situation, somehow your partner is always the injured party. 'Because they channel their grandiosity into being the most misunderstood or aggrieved person in the room, covert narcissists always have to win in the game of who was hurt the most,' Malkin said. 'One of my clients had a boyfriend who predictably turned the conversation to how neglected he felt whenever she brought him even the smallest request—even something as simple as putting items back in the fridge,' he said. Even when you thoughtfully try to voice a complaint, your partner will say things like, 'You don't appreciate me,' said therapist Wendy Behary, author of 'Disarming The Narcissist' and founder and director of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey. 'They're always feeling criticized, let down and unsupported,' she told HuffPost. So if you find yourself apologizing anytime you feel hurt or misunderstood — that's a sign you could be living with a covert narcissist, Malkin said. They seethe with jealousy when the spotlight is on you. While grandiose narcissists are practically pushing people out of the way to be the center of attention, the covert narcissist is quietly 'sitting on the sideline getting judgy, feeling envious, feeling insecure, feeling resentful and fantasizing' about being in the spotlight, Behary said. Related: 'There's a lot more neuroticism, a lot more hypersensitivity to not getting this extraordinary attention they think they deserve, never feeling appreciated enough,' she said. (She also noted that covert types tend to have more trauma or abuse in their upbringings). Let's say your friends threw you a celebratory dinner for a promotion you got at work. If your partner is a covert narcissist, they'd have a hard time playing second fiddle during your big moment. 'The covert narcissist is just boiling inside and will find other ways of punishing you or trying to banish you from this moment of glory,' Behary said. 'And they will do it by bringing the attention perhaps to their own suffering, their own victimization. It can look like vulnerability.' They brood or act out instead of saying what's really on their mind. A covert narcissist wields emotion in a manipulative way. Any vulnerability they show is more display than genuine feeling, Malkin said. 'If your partner collapses in tears or withdraws into sulky silence when you ask for help with chores or dare to suggest they ask you about your day, the feelings may be more about getting you to change the topic than expressing genuine needs or reactions,' Malkin said. Related: 'Covert narcissists don't really trust people enough to state needs and feelings directly and clearly, so the emotions never quite feel genuine. In fact, covert narcissists often brood instead of saying exactly what's on their mind.' They suck all the air out of the room. A covert narcissist believes their problems are more important than yours — or anyone else's, for that matter, Malkin said. And they act accordingly. 'For that reason, they feel entitled to air time. If instead of a hug or hello, you're greeted with an angry tirade about mistreatment at work or endless stories about how everyone else is treated better and has more advantages, it's a strong indication of covert narcissism,' he said. They're very defensive. This might show up as 'defensiveness about one's lack of achievements or negativity and hostility towards other people's success,' Campbell said. Covert narcissists are both insecure and hypersensitive, which can make them 'very difficult to deal with,' psychiatrist Dr. Harold Hong told Mind Body Green. 'They're constantly seeking reassurance and validation but are also quick to become defensive and react angrily when they feel threatened,' he said. How To Cope If Your Partner Is A Covert Narcissist When you're in a relationship with someone who dominates every emotional exchange, it's all too easy to put your needs aside, ignore your feelings and lose your voice in the process. 'Covert narcissists can make it so unpleasant when you ask for anything at all that it feels simpler to stay silent,' Malkin said. 'But when you do, you're nurturing a relationship where your partner's pain is always more important than yours.' Psychotherapy is often 'crucial to the process of holding on to your center,' he added. It's important to become 'keenly aware of the intricate game-playing of the covert narcissist through your clear observations, intuition and research,' marriage and family therapist Linda Martinez-Lewi, author of 'Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life,' told HuffPost. 'Renew your promise to be faithful and true to yourself as an individual,' she said. 'Develop a practice of mindfulness that keeps you psychologically grounded. Honor and maintain stable, steady boundaries.' Behary said she often coaches her clients on how to plan their departure — whether that's from toxic conversations with their partners or from the relationship altogether. 'Find a way to say: 'When you're more ready to speak about this, without the escalated feelings, without the accusations, without the blame, when you're ready to have a heart-to-heart, I'm happy to talk about this,'' she said. 'And really stepping away because it can just be exasperating to constantly be in the throes of feeling like you're being accused of being the bully.' Related: You may consider setting an ultimatum: If your partner doesn't seek professional help, you can no longer stay in the relationship. Behary also noted that therapy is typically required to make 'any meaningful, sustainable changes' in these kinds of relationships. Her biggest advice for partners of covert narcissists is to work on finding your voice and 'feeling sturdy in your skin again.' 'Because that's something that gets lost in all the drama of living with people with this type of disorder.'
Daily Mail
4 days ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
There's a dangerous type of narcissist you might have never heard of - but she's probably in your life
When most of us picture a narcissist, it's someone who works a room like a pro. The type of person who oozes charm, is dressed to kill, and is very good at making everything about them. Our minds may even pivot to images of slick, self-assured energy of a TV antihero or the big boss who thrives on being the centre of attention. But according to Perth-based dating and relationship expert Louanne Ward, there's another type of narcissist in our midst - and it's far harder to spot. The traits of 'vulnerable' narcissism (also known as covert narcissism), are a far cry from grand gestures, dominating conversations, and public power plays. No, this one hides behind a softer, more 'relatable' mask. 'They might seem shy, socially withdrawn, self-deprecating or even a little insecure,' Louanne told Daily Mail. 'They're the kind of person you'd never imagine could be manipulative. But underneath, the self-focus and hunger for validation is exactly the same as the classic narcissist - 'they just go about getting it differently.' Why women often display the 'quieter' form of narcissism Ward says gender norms play a big role in how narcissism shows up. 'We've been taught that being loud, cocky, or unapologetically self-promoting is unfeminine. So for some women, the drive for attention and approval gets wrapped in humility, sensitivity, or victimhood instead,' she explained. 'It's still about being noticed and valued, just in a package that aligns with what's rewarded in women.' The dating red flags you should never ignore In a partner, however, Louanne warns that vulnerable narcissists can come across as deeply sensitive. They can also trick us by seeming emotionally attuned and even fragile in the early stages of dating - which can make them hard to resist. According to Louanne, some early warning signs include fast-tracked emotional intimacy by sharing deep, vulnerable stories within days of meeting as well as the tell-tale love bombing and sharing endless praise about your soul, your energy, your 'rare' connection. She also listed 'guilt through fragility' which revolves around acting wounded or hurt if you make other plans without them. 'Subtle loyalty tests are also a way of manipulation,' said Louanne. 'They tell tales of past heartbreak and make you promise you'd never do the same.' Other traits include going cold when they don't get their way, feigning sudden 'emergencies' that derail your plans so you'll focus on them, and soft-gaslighting by using terms like: 'that's not how I remember it' or 'you misunderstood me' to make you doubt yourself. How it plays out behind closed doors Once in a relationship, Louanne says the patterns often intensify. Expect scorekeeping, stonewalling, withdrawing affection until you apologise, and rewriting history to make them the victim. Even gentle feedback can result in tearful meltdowns that flip the script and put you in the role of comforter. 'They can also create emotional dependency, convincing you they can't cope without you,' Louanne said. 'It makes you feel guilty or selfish for putting your own needs first.' The manipulation tactics to watch for One of the most common is a term called 'triangulation', which brings a third person into the mix to make you feel insecure or competitive. 'It might be a compliment about an ex, mentioning someone who flirts with them, or comparing you unfavourably to someone else,' Louanne explained. 'The goal is to make you chase their approval. Other tools in the covert narcissist's kit include guilt-tripping, playing the victim to divert attention from your concerns, and the silent treatment to force you to make amends. Why they're so hard to spot, and even harder to leave Louanne says the problem is these relationships don't start out looking toxic. 'They may appear misunderstood, unlucky in love, or just deeply sensitive. You feel needed, and that bond is intense. 'By the time you notice patterns, you've often explained them away.' And because they're often polite, shy or 'nice' in public, friends and family may struggle to believe your side of the story. Can they change? Vulnerable narcissism is often rooted in deep insecurity and shaped by early experiences of feeling unseen or unprotected. 'It's a defence system that says, 'I'll keep you close so you can't hurt me. But I'll still make sure I'm getting my needs met first,' Louanne explained. However she believes change is possible, but it is rare without genuine self-awareness and long-term therapy. 'Narcissistic traits are tied to a fragile sense of self, so feedback can feel like an attack,' she added. If you suspect you're dealing with one, Louanne's advice is clear: track the patterns, set small, firm boundaries, and reality-check your experiences with a trusted friend or therapist. 'It's not about diagnosing them, it's about protecting your emotional space and deciding what's right for you.'
