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RNZ News
7 hours ago
- Business
- RNZ News
Living apart together or bird nesting? Divorce in a tough property market
Auckland divorce coach Bridgette Jackson Photo: Equal Exes A slow property market is making it harder for some couples to separate - and divorce coach Bridgette Jackson says it's just one of a number of financial hurdles she is having to help clients through. Part of the problem was the wider economic environment, she said. "Financial stress is huge. That has a huge impact on people's relationships - people losing jobs, liquidation of companies. We're right in the thick of that now, aren't we? "The increase in unemployment is massive." But she said there was a clear trend towards people remaining in the same house, even when they had split. "I work with many, many couples and individuals and I'm seeing so many people who are living in the same property because they cannot afford to separate. "People just simply can't afford to move because it's usually their biggest family asset … when you can't sell a house it's really deciding that you're going to work together because you are potentially going to be stuck in the same house for a certain period of time. "Then looking at whether or not one of you potentially stay in the home or you both bird nest." 'Bird nesting' refers to couples taking it in turn to be in the family home with the children. Jackson said that needed to be planned carefully. "Whether it's staying with friends and family, what does that look like? "If you're not able to sell your house, what's plan b? Is someone going to stay in the house or are we going to get tenants? "There are many, many people in that position of living apart together, as we call it." She said that was particularly tough when the split was not mutual. "If one of you is the initiator of the separation and one of you is the receiver of the news … the receiver of the information … has got to cope with the acceptance that, actually, their relationship's over, it's out of their control." Cotality data shows that the number of people moving from one owner-occupied property to another is down compared to normal levels of activity, which may indicate a reluctance on the part of homeowners to sell if they can avoid it. They represent about 26 percent of the total transactions at the moment, compared to 30 percent in 2021. In Auckland, they are 23 percent, while first-home buyers are at 29 percent. Many people who bought their homes in recent years may have lost most, if not all, of the deposit they put into the purchase. Prices are still about 16 percent below their peak. David Cunningham, chief executive at mortgage advice firm Squirrel, said he had dealt with couples deciding to stay put even though they had broken up. "I saw one last week … My opinion is that, generally, it's better to bite the bullet and move on. "Squirrel's view is that property prices aren't about to materially lift - in fact, the dynamics are there for prices to move broadly with inflation over the decades ahead rather than the 6 percent of the last 30 years which was fuelled by falling interest rates." Jackson said there were a number of other things that often caught people out when they were divorcing. She would work with clients to put together a memorandum of understanding to form the basis of a separation agreement, would then go to lawyers for advice and certification. People sometimes struggled with how childcare should be divided, she said. "Is it 50-50? What does that look like, is that going to work for all of you? We understandably find this with women who are generally the caregivers that they tend to not want to see their children 24/7 and I completely understand that. "So really working through and making sure that children are the priority … there is an interim parenting agreement put in place and then something more permanent but just having regular reviews in terms of that to make sure that it's working for the family." She said there were often still serious economic disparities between men and women, particularly if the woman had taken time out of work to bring up the children, to allow a partner to focus on work. Sometimes the other party did not acknowledge the sacrifice. "I see a lot of instances where … the other partner maintains that it's not aligned with their career, accelerating, excelling. So you know that certainly ends up being an issue of contention in quite a number of cases. "Another mistake that people do make through this process is giving up the family farm, so to speak, because they think that their next relationship's going to give them everything they want." She said people looking for a lawyer should be prepared to ask questions about how much it would cost, who they would be working with, and what style or approach would be used. "I think that's a piece that isn't thought about because you know 'so and so said the neighbour had so and so lawyer who, you know, was a bulldog''... So everyone's scenario is completely different. It might be not the right approach for you." She said people who tried to make decisions when they were emotionally disregulated could end up worse off. Sometimes people who were dealing with someone who had a high conflict personality would choose to walk away with a bad deal because they just wanted to be finished with it. "One of the biggest things I see in my practise is 75 percent of women having no idea about their finances, which is huge. "You know, everyone needs to know what they own and owe, because if you end up separating, the last thing you want to do is have to get a court order to get transparency of your assets and liabilities. "I think also every woman needs to get a job, whether it's a something they do voluntarily or always keeping their hand in something because your relationship's not guaranteed, and I think we see a lot of women putting their heads in the sand and thinking well, she'll be right. Well, she won't be right, you know." She said she was seeing a lot of "women walk away" syndrome where women who were tired of "doing everything and not getting anything in return" left a relationship, and people separating later in life. "Older people think … 'I've only got 20 summers left, I'm out of here'. We see a lot of those now, the older age group now separating." It was often difficult for people to get back on their feet financially at that point, she said. "Particularly if you're the female and you haven't worked and you know and you're sort of 65, 70, what that looks like, but yeah, we definitely see more and more of that." Sign up for Ngā Pitopito Kōrero , a daily newsletter curated by our editors and delivered straight to your inbox every weekday.
Yahoo
5 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
13 Subtle Ways Divorce Changes How You Trust People
Divorce can feel like a seismic shift in your life, shaking up everything you thought you knew. It doesn't just change your relationship status; it alters how you see people, including how you trust them. Whether you see it coming or it blindsides you, divorce leaves marks. Some are visible, while others hide beneath the surface, subtly changing how you navigate future relationships. Here are 13 subtle ways divorce can change how you trust people. 1. You Question Intentions After a divorce, you might find yourself scrutinizing people's motives more closely. Maybe you were blindsided by your ex, or perhaps you always sensed something was off but couldn't pinpoint it. As a result, you become hyper-aware, analyzing every compliment or gesture for hidden meanings. According to Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach, "The experience can make you more discerning, which is a double-edged sword. While it can protect you, it can also make forming new connections challenging." Interestingly, this hyper-vigilance can sometimes become exhausting. You start to wonder if you're being too skeptical or if your instincts are spot-on. Trusting your gut becomes a balancing act, one that demands practice and patience. Ultimately, it's about learning when to put the magnifying glass down and take people at face value. Over time, you'll find a rhythm that works for you. 2. You Value Transparency Before your divorce, you might not have given much thought to transparency in your relationships. Now, it's near the top of your list of priorities. You want to know where you stand, and more importantly, where the other person stands. This need for clarity can feel like a safety net, a way to ensure you're never caught off guard again. It's not just about knowing facts; it's about emotional honesty and vulnerability. The journey to valuing transparency can be bumpy. You might demand it prematurely or get frustrated when someone isn't as open as you'd like. It requires learning to communicate your needs effectively without coming across as overbearing. Patience becomes an ally, as you realize that not everyone is used to being open from the start. In the end, this value for transparency can lead to stronger, more honest connections. 3. You Recognize Red Flags Sooner Divorce gives you a crash course in spotting red flags, whether you wanted it or not. You've been through a relationship that didn't work, so you're acutely aware of behaviors that could spell trouble. A study from the University of Alberta highlights how divorce can sharpen your instincts, helping you notice warning signs that you might have ignored before. This new-found ability can be a powerful tool in building healthier relationships in the future. However, this increased awareness can also make you overly cautious. The challenge lies in distinguishing between genuine red flags and harmless quirks. You might find yourself pulling back at the slightest hint of trouble, even if it's unfounded. Trusting again involves risk, but it's crucial to avoid letting past mistakes dictate your future entirely. Balance is key to using this skill effectively. 4. You Expect Consistency Consistency becomes a big deal after you've been through a divorce. You want to see the same behavior day in and day out. No more surprises or sudden changes; you crave reliability. This isn't just about someone being predictable; it's a way to gauge their authenticity. If they're consistent, they're more likely to be genuine, and that builds trust. The desire for consistency can sometimes lead to disappointment. People have bad days, and life gets messy, making perfect consistency impossible. It's about learning to discern between normal fluctuations in behavior and genuine inconsistencies. With time, you learn to appreciate the nuances of people's behavior, allowing room for imperfection. This understanding can strengthen your ability to trust others gradually. 5. You Appreciate Emotional Availability Emotional availability becomes crucial to you post-divorce. You want someone who's not just physically present but emotionally engaged. Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, a relationship expert, notes that "divorce often results in a deeper understanding of the importance of emotional intimacy." It's not just about being there during the good times; it's about being present through the struggles. However, finding emotionally available people can be tricky. You may encounter partners who seem available at first but retreat when things get serious. This can be disheartening and might make you second-guess your ability to choose the right partners. It's important to remember that emotional availability is a mutual journey, and it often requires patience and effort from both sides. With experience, you become better at recognizing true emotional availability. 6. You Need Reassurance Divorce can leave you feeling a bit wobbly in the trust department. You might find yourself needing more reassurance than you did before. A simple, "I'm here for you," can mean the world as you rebuild your confidence in others. It's not about being needy; it's about needing to know you're on solid ground. This reassurance acts as a bridge, helping you cross from doubt to trust. At times, you may worry that your need for reassurance comes off as insecurity. The balance is in understanding that asking for reassurance is okay but also learning to self-soothe. As you grow more comfortable, the need for constant reassurance often diminishes. Over time, you start to trust not just others but yourself too. This journey helps you build a more stable foundation for future relationships. 7. You Embrace Boundaries Boundaries become your best friend after a divorce. You learn that setting them isn't about keeping people out, but about protecting your emotional space. According to psychologist Dr. John Gottman, "Establishing clear boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships." Boundaries help you define what's acceptable and what isn't, offering a sense of control over your interactions. Yet, setting boundaries can sometimes feel awkward or confrontational. You might worry that you're pushing people away or being too rigid. It takes practice to communicate boundaries effectively and to hold them without guilt. You start to realize that those who respect your boundaries are often the ones worth trusting. This newfound respect for boundaries can lead to more meaningful connections. 8. You Notice Patterns Post-divorce, you become a detective of sorts, piecing together patterns in people's behavior. You're more likely to notice if someone is consistently late, forgetful, or dismissive. These patterns help you assess whether someone is trustworthy or not. It's not about finding flaws but understanding how consistent behaviors reflect a person's character. Over time, these observations become a tool for gauging trust. While noticing patterns can be insightful, there's a risk of overanalyzing. You might find yourself getting stuck on minor details, questioning whether they signify something larger. Patience and perspective are key to navigating this aspect of trust. It's about recognizing patterns without jumping to conclusions too quickly. This approach allows you to build trust based on evidence rather than assumptions. 9. You Value Support Systems Having gone through a divorce, you come to value your support systems more than ever. Friends and family who stick by you become invaluable in your journey to trust again. They provide a safe space to express doubts and fears without judgment. This reliance helps you realize the importance of surrounding yourself with trustworthy individuals. It's comforting to know you have people who genuinely care about your well-being. However, this reliance on a support system can occasionally lead to feeling overly dependent. You might worry that you're leaning too much on others instead of standing on your own. It's a delicate balance between seeking help and fostering self-reliance. As you grow more confident, you learn to cherish your support systems while also developing inner strength. This combination reinforces your ability to trust yourself and others. 10. You Seek Genuine Connections After a divorce, superficial relationships just don't cut it anymore. You crave genuine connections where you can let your guard down and be yourself. These connections become benchmarks for trustworthiness, as they require vulnerability and honesty. You start to prioritize depth over quantity, seeking relationships with substance and meaning. It's a shift that allows you to focus on what truly matters in a relationship. The pursuit of genuine connections can sometimes feel daunting. Not every interaction will lead to a deep bond, and that's okay. You learn to appreciate the process of getting to know someone gradually. This patience pays off when you finally form those meaningful connections that enrich your life. They become a testament to the resilience of your trust and the strength of your heart. 11. You Listen Differently Divorce teaches you to listen beyond words. You're more attuned to tone, body language, and what isn't being said. This heightened listening skill helps you decipher honesty from deceit. It's like having a sixth sense that keeps you alert to inconsistencies. Listening becomes a tool in your trust-building arsenal, allowing you to pick up on subtle cues. At times, this intense focus can be overwhelming. You might find yourself overthinking conversations, dissecting every word and gesture. The challenge is to strike a balance between being vigilant and enjoying the moment. Trusting your intuition while staying open to possibilities can help. With practice, you become adept at discerning truth from fiction, enhancing your ability to trust wisely. 12. You Become More Self-Reliant Divorce often forces you to stand on your own two feet, fostering self-reliance. You learn that, ultimately, you are responsible for your happiness and security. This newfound independence helps you trust yourself more, which is a crucial step in learning to trust others. It's a journey of self-discovery, where you uncover strengths you didn't know you had. As you grow more confident, your capacity to trust others gradually expands. However, relying on yourself can sometimes lead to isolation. You might find it challenging to open up or ask for help when you truly need it. The key is to recognize that self-reliance doesn't mean going it alone all the time. It's about knowing when to lean on yourself and when to let others in. This balance fosters healthy relationships and a more robust sense of trust. 13. You Acknowledge Your Worth Divorce can be a harsh reminder of your worth, highlighting areas where you might have settled in the past. You come out of it with a clearer sense of what you deserve in relationships. This self-awareness becomes a cornerstone of your trust foundation. Knowing your worth helps you set standards, making it easier to identify those who respect and value you. It's a powerful shift that impacts how you engage with others moving forward. Acknowledging your worth can sometimes lead to an inflated sense of self, making compromise challenging. It's essential to balance self-esteem with humility, understanding that everyone has room for growth. You learn to differentiate between healthy standards and unreasonable expectations. This awareness fosters mutual respect and trust in your relationships. Over time, it leads to connections that enrich rather than drain you. 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