Latest news with #divorcelawyer
The Sun
02-08-2025
- General
- The Sun
The 5 signs your marriage is failing – and how to save it, from a top divorce lawyer
In the UK, around 42% of marriages end in divorce.* Knowing the warning signs while things are still unravelling can make the difference between beating those odds or your relationship coming to an end. 6 "You can learn a lot about keeping things together by watching how they fall apart," says James Sexton, New York divorce lawyer and author of How Not To F**k Up Your Marriage. "I've had hundreds of people sitting across from me telling me very candidly what went wrong in their marriage." Through decades of conversations with divorcing clients, James has identified ways to "reverse-engineer" failing relationships and bring back the joy that first sparked them. Of course, for some married people, he admits divorce can be the best option. "The goal isn't to stay miserably married," he says. "I don't see marriage as an endurance race. "The goal is for marriage to add value to us, to help deepen our connection to ourselves, to the world, to each other, to our family." Here, James shares his biggest predictors that your marriage will fail, and tells you exactly what to do to save it. You've stopped noticing your partner 6 "If I could give one piece of advice to anyone in relationships, it would be two words: pay attention," says James. "It's so easy to stop seeing your partner because they're there all the time, and to stop hearing them because they're always talking around you." When we stop noticing our partners, we don't show them they're appreciated. "Feeling love towards someone is great, but acting towards that person with love is important." Relationship expert shares three tell-tale signs your relationship is falling apart James uses the example of a client who realised her relationship was over when her husband stopped buying her favourite granola, which was only available in one shop. "Every time I ran out, there would just be a new bag," James' client told him, explaining that she felt loved every time she saw it. "Then, one day, the granola ran out. He didn't replace it." How to fix it: Only you know – or should do – the small things your partner loves. Keep doing them to show your other half you always remember them. For James, that means sprinkling cinnamon on his partner's morning coffee. For her, it means sharing a picture with James whenever she lands at the airport after a trip. It could be leaving a thoughtful note in the morning before leaving for work. "This tells someone: 'I still like you, I'm thinking of you.' It's such a low-percentage investment," says James. Plus, it often leads to reciprocity. Criticism is a reflex 6 Criticism makes your partner clam up and get defensive. It can cause any problem to snowball – and that includes constructive criticism. James says: "I'm not saying that when our partner is doing something we think should be changed for their good, or for the good of the relationship, that we shouldn't do something about it." However, being able to see your partner as your own personal cheerleader and a safe space from the daily criticisms of the workplace or general hardship, is how relationships thrive. How to fix it: "Raise the positive," says James. "Try to shift your partner's behaviour or perspective in a way that doesn't feel like criticism." That means reinforcing positive behaviour through compliments, rather than focusing on the negative behaviour you want to see altered. James gives the example that if you prefer your partner freshly shaven, rather than endlessly telling them how much you hate their stubble, wait until they have just shaved and pile on the compliments, avoiding criticism and creating a sense of closeness. You've lost yourself 6 Something James always hears people say when they're getting divorced is: "I lost myself in this relationship, I don't remember who I am any more." When we spend all our time with one person or only act in one role (as a wife and/or a mother), it is easy to lose sight of our own wants and needs. Long-term, this can fuel resentment and complacency. "Part of the fun of another person is the mystery of them," says James. "It's really fun to be interested and interesting." Maintaining a life and identity outside your relationship can help keep this interest alive and build deeper connections. How to fix it: Dedicate time to yourself. "Learn something from happily divorced people – there is time when you're the parent, time when you're a single person, time for all those multitudes inside you. You don't have to give up a relationship to have that." Allow yourself that Saturday once a month to go and do the thing you love. Monogamy has become monotonous 6 You know what you like, and you do it every time – is it any wonder you don't do it that much then? "Even with good intentions, people ruin their own sex lives when they are monogamous," says James. "I'm a fan of monogamy, but I think that people unintentionally make monogamy into monotony." When you figure out what your partner enjoys in the bedroom, things become more "efficient" and sex becomes routine. How to fix it: Switching things up sexually can be tricky when you've already established the script of your relationship. James says that telling your partner outright what you wish you had more of in bed can feel like criticism. Instead, he suggests finding ways to talk about your sex life indirectly. "One of the things I suggest is saying: 'Oh my god! I had a sex dream about you last night,'" says James. And using that as a way to share your fantasy. If your partner doesn't seem on board, this also gives you space to backtrack. "It's a dishonesty, but one with really honest intentions – the intention is deepening connection, sharing our authenticity with our partner in a strategic way." You're not doing relationship maintenance 6 Amid the gestures of goodwill and intimacy chats, James says the strongest marriages also continuously evaluate and address any issues as they arise. Otherwise, you run the risk of letting things reach crisis point before realising a lot of work needs to be done. "Preventative maintenance is everything, it should really be the subtitle for my book," says James. "It's a whole lot easier to keep something good than it is to let it fall apart and then try to fix it. "It's really easy to maintain your weight, it's much harder to gain a load of weight then try to lose it. "Think of it like having the oil changed on your car – it's not sexy, it's not complicated." How to fix it: You can make working on your relationship a conscious practice by checking in with one another on a regular basis, and being curious about what role you can play in improving your relationship. James suggests going on a "walk and talk" regularly with your partner, where you can share things that made you feel loved that week and any issues that arose. "It's kind of a praise sandwich, with some good alongside things to work on," he says.
Sky News
12-05-2025
- Business
- Sky News
12-hour days, £350k salaries: Life as a divorce lawyer
If you've ever spent your Monday morning commute daydreaming about starting afresh with your career, this feature is for you. Each Monday, our Money blog speaks to someone from a different profession to discover what it's really like. This week we chat to Yael Selig, partner at Osbornes Law and head of the family offices... I work 10-12 hours a day... The nature of my work means that I often have to work in the evenings due to unexpected issues. My workload is very intense, but I do try to make time for lunch. Of course, this very much depends on what is going on in a particular week. Newly qualified you'd expect to earn £50k... A top divorce lawyer... £350,000. We bill in six-minute increments... I deal with private clients, so it very much depends on the task at hand. If, for example, I have a 20-minute call with a client, this will mean that I will put down my time as three units. We do pilates... We recently introduced a weekly class in the office as well as various other wellbeing incentives (lunchtime walks, for example), which have all been met with great enthusiasm. This tells you a lot about how staff do need to be encouraged to get up from their desks. I wanted to be a dancer... I did ballet from a young age until I was 14 and then went on to join a contemporary dance group until I was 18. I come from a family of lawyers, so I decided to do a law degree. I do love connecting with people and family law seemed like the best option for me; it's the one I enjoyed most when I was studying. I have a reputation as a "Rottweiler"... I was acting for an older vulnerable client who was clearly being bullied by his ex-wife. She was the first to coin the phrase. You need patience and empathy. You need to be a good listener and a problem solver. But you also need to have some fight in you, as essentially you are a litigation lawyer. Unfortunately, it is inevitably a messy business, though I think I strike the right balance as I try my very best to resolve matters outside the court process and through negotiations. There are cases, unfortunately, where court is the only option, and this is where my reputation kicks in. Everyone hates something about their job and for me it's... the tight deadlines. You are often having to work to court deadlines and when your workload is super busy, it means you are faced with lots of these. There are two circumstances when I'd refuse a client... if it is unaffordable - litigation can be expensive. I always make sure that any potential client is made aware of the likely costs from the outset. And if a client is dishonest and wants to hide assets - then of course I cannot act for them. The biggest misconception about lawyers is... That you are cold and ruthless and only interested in fees. I lost a client to cancer... during divorce proceedings. I still think of him. Despite his diagnosis, the wife wanted to push on with litigation. Thankfully, I succeeded in stopping the proceedings while he undertook very aggressive chemotherapy. The courts were very sympathetic as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and he didn't know how long he had to live. His doctor's guess was that, at best, he had a year. I did everything I could to ensure that during the last eight months of his life he did not have to deal with the angst of court proceedings. I was adamant that, despite the other side's insistence to try and draw him into the litigation (court dates etc), I was not going to allow that to happen. I fought very hard for him, and we succeeded. He was a real gentleman who kept his sense of humour until the end of his days. What's it really like to be a... Brain surgeon Children's entertainer Royal photographer The job hasn't changed my opinion of marriage but... it does make me value my relationship. People can avoid a messy divorce by... being reasonable and not allowing their emotions to cloud their judgement. I accept this is difficult to do. In my experience, when the parties have a good line of communication between them, it helps keep matters on an even keel and they do not escalate. The most common mistake people make is to raise the temperature by... texting each other directly and insulting the other, and making threats regarding the children, which then makes matters considerably worse. If I had to do it all again... I would. Repeat, repeat, repeat! Despite the stress and intense workload... I do love my work. I have no plans to retire yet and haven't given it much thought. My job is very full on but I am very energetic, and I do love people and meeting new clients. It's what keeps me going.
