a day ago
‘For the first time, I was frightened of my husband'
Erik has become a man Amanda no longer recognises.
He's possessive and obsessive. Incessant texting has become standard whenever she leaves the house, especially if she's out after dark. Along with her day job with the academic research
team, Amanda has taken on a community role at a domestic violence drop-in centre.
Two nights per week, she mans the centre alone, meaning finish times can vary depending on the needs of the community.
'Where are you? What time are you going to be home?'
The minute the clock strikes eight, Erik's text messages come cascading in.
'I've got dinner ready for you. It's going to go cold.'
The irony of a man who spent the last 10 years cheating on Amanda, monitoring her every move is breathtaking.
'Is he there?'
Adam is never there. For the comfort of the women seeking refuge, there are no men based at the centre. But this fact seems lost on Erik.
When she arrives home in the evening, his reaction swings, depending entirely on his mood. Sometimes Erik will rush towards her, dramatically holding her in his arms.
'I just love you so much, that's all,' he'll say. 'I can't bear to be away from you. Things just don't feel right until you're here with me.'
Other times, Amanda finds Erik pacing, back and forth, back and forth, ultimately storming into their room, slamming it behind him. On these nights, she finds the dinner that she
didn't request thrown into the trash.
'I bet you're in the office with him. Just the two of you.'
After one particularly busy night, Erik's messages come more quickly than usual. His tone is angrier, more urgent.
Amanda assumes it's because she hasn't been able to respond to him as quickly as she usually does. Amanda can't wrap her mind around Erik's inability to empathise with the type of work she does, with the women she's trying to help.
By the time she walks through the door, it's almost 9pm. Amanda drops her bag and coat on the floor, exhausted, and desperately hoping Erik's mood isn't hostile. She walks into the living room.
'Where the f**k have you been?'
He's pacing, each stomp an unspoken announcement of his disapproval.
'You know where I've been, Erik,' she says, wearily. 'Why are you even asking?'
He continues walking aimlessly, each breath heavy and loud. Amanda feels like she's being circled by a hungry shark, prey waiting to be attacked.
'Honestly, Erik, I'm just so tired of this,' she says, but he isn't listening. 'I don't know what you want from me. I need to get out of here for a while.'
Amanda turns and leaves the living room, picks up her bag and coat.
'I'm just going for a drive, okay? I'll be back soon.'
Amanda leaves the house, but Erik follows.
'Like f**k you are.'
Erik has lost his mind, Amanda thinks, but she's too tired to care. As she gets into her car, she realises she has no idea where she's going to go. She can't keep showing up on Carly's doorstep. Still, she can't be here, not right now. She reaches for the ignition but pulls back when she hears a loud thud.
Erik is lying across the bonnet of her car.
'You're not leaving, Amanda!' he screams through the windscreen. For the first time, Amanda is frightened of her husband. What the hell is he doing?
'Get off my car, Erik, for God's sake.'
Amanda tries to sound calm, dismissive, to take the edge of fear away from her voice. Erik doesn't respond, but he doesn't move, either. He just lies there, draped across the bonnet. Amanda considers calling the police, but immediately decides against it. Erik isn't a dangerous man, but Amanda needs to leave.
She can't call their friends, most of whom are mutual. They would never look at him the same again if they saw him in this state. She loves him too much to permanently damage his life.
There's another bang then, and Amanda jolts upright in her seat. Erik is punching the windscreen, once, twice, three times.
Amanda isn't scared of Erik, but she is scared. Because this isn't Erik. And that means Amanda doesn't know what else he might do. She picks up her phone and dials Adam's number.
'Amanda?'
She and Adam have barely spoken since the kiss, nothing meaningful anyway. They've conversed, of course, because they work together, but aside from small talk, conversation
has been limited.
'He's on my windscreen! He won't let me leave.' The words tumble from her mouth. 'I just wanted to go for a drive. I don't know what to do.'
'You should call the police,' Adam says, his voice calm.
'No way. I'm not calling the cops. My daughters are in the house!'
For a few moments, she hears nothing but his breathing.
'Okay, well look, I'm not far, I'm coming over.'
For ten minutes, Amanda and Erik remain where they are, Amanda in the car, Erik on the car. Amanda looks towards the moon, not quite full, but close. It looks almost yellow and is particularly bright, neon paint on black canvas.
How did they get here, Amanda wonders. She also wonders why Erik is the one breaking down, when he is the one who's been cheating for their entire marriage.
Erik sits up suddenly. He must have heard Adam's car, because seconds later, it appears on the driveway.
Amanda's story
'What the f**k are you doing here?' says Erik, finally jumping off the bonnet. Slowly, Amanda gets out of the car too.
'Mate, I'm probably the last person you want to see right now, I get that,' Adam says, walking towards Amanda's car.
His voice is controlled. 'I know you're upset, but you can't be jumping on cars, mate, you can't stop Amanda from leaving.'
Erik nods vigorously, an angry sneer forming across his face. His breath is loud and heavy.
'Buddy, I have no interest in anything you say to me,' Erik spits. 'You're the reason we're in this f**king mess. So, what don't you get back in your car, and get the f**k away from
my house.'
'Well, you've got kids in the house,' Adam says. 'So how about we put this to bed, and we can all go back to our lives?'
'How about you f**k off,' Erik says. But he turns away then and returns to the house.
'Are you okay?' Adam rushes to Amanda, grabbing both her hands. She nods, pulling her hands away, but says nothing.
Adam nods too. 'Okay,' he says. 'Okay.'
He gets back into his car, and then he is gone. And Amanda is alone.
She looks up at the moon again. What now? But the moon has no answers. If she walks back into the house, Erik will know he can stop her from leaving any time he wants, that literally jumping on top of her car will stop her from leaving.
Why wouldn't he do it again?
Amanda shivers as a gust of wind lashes her skin. It's colder than usual for this time of year. She wonders why she isn't crying. Wonders why she feels as cold as the air around her,
and just as invisible.
She locks her car and walks into the home she and Erik built from together. Stopping in the doorway of their shared room, she sees Erik sitting up on the still-made bed. He looks up when he senses her, but she doesn't react. Instead, she pulls the door closed, continues down the hall to the spare room. She lies on the bed, without undressing, and falls into a dreamless sleep.
This is a book extract from Nicole Madigan 's new novel, Torn, which explores the true stories of four women during that in-between phase between betrayal, and making a decision about whether to stay or leave.
Nicole Madigan is a writer, editor, journalist, and author, based in Brisbane. She is a non-executive Board Director of Friends with Dignity, a charity providing support to victim-survivors of domestic violence. Her debut nonfiction book, Obsession: A journalist and victim-survivor's investigation into stalking, was released in 2023. She is also the author of two children's books.
