Latest news with #duplicity
Yahoo
3 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Not Getting Invited Sucks. But Here's How To Stop Taking It So Personally.
It stings when you discover you weren't invited to that couples dinner, industry event or weekend trip with your college pals. Your mind starts swirling, and you conclude that you are a social outcast destined for a life of loneliness. Or maybe you're convinced that the friend who planned this intentionally excluded you because they're a terrible person. Friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson has recently come across 'a surge of videos' on social media focusing on the latter. 'Oftentimes the tone of the video is very accusatory, and people tend to dismiss the inviters as being bad friends, fake friends, not really caring and as somehow being duplicitous and being exposed in their duplicity,' Bayard Jackson — a friendship coach and host of the 'Friend Forward' podcast —told HuffPost. 'And I saw less dialogue around other reasons why you may not be invited.' So she posted her own TikTok in response, listing a dozen other possible reasons for people to consider when they aren't invited to something. She created the video, she said, to open people's eyes to different perspectives and 'depersonalize' the experience. It has racked up more than 1.5 million views since she uploaded it in March. 'It was something that people needed to hear, but a lot of people don't want to say,' Bayard Jackson said. 'But my job as a coach is to offer you various perspectives to inform the choices you make about your friendships.' Some of the potential explanations Bayard Jackson offers in the video include: 'You never go to other things they invite you to, so they stopped trying.' 'They've made assumptions on your behalf about your financial abilities, your interest or your availability. And they think they're doing you a favor by not inviting you because of those things.' 'They got together out of convenience, meaning the two of them were together, they saw the coffee shop down the street, and they decided to go to the coffee shop. The decision was less about you and more about proximity.' 'They prefer to keep their circles separate. So they're going together with church friends, maybe they don't invite you. If they're going with mom friends, maybe they don't invite you. Because they want to maintain a certain sameness or rhythm in a particular group.' Her hope was for people to see that 'sometimes it's logistical, sometimes it's an oversight, sometimes they're doing it for what they believe to be noble reasons,' she said. Adopting this perspective won't get rid of the pain of rejection — but it might help soften it. Anna Goldfarb is a journalist who covers friendship and the author of the forthcoming book 'Modern Friendship.' She's also noticed that people tend to take not getting invited 'very personally' while acknowledging how hurtful the experience can be. 'Studies show that rejection triggers the same pathways as physical pain, so it does hurt to be excluded,' she told HuffPost. Goldfarb said even she struggles with this from time to time. For example, when she finds out a friend went to dinner in her neighborhood but didn't call her, she sometimes gets a 'ping of hurt.' 'Then I'll think, 'Well, she was going out for dinner with her husband. Why would she invite me?'' she said. 'Then I remind myself I've had dinner in her neighborhood and haven't called her, and it wasn't that I don't love her. I still love her. So that helps, just to put yourself in the other person's shoes.' But sometimes, the reasons for not being included do feel a bit more personal. Pulling from Bayard Jackson's list, things like: 'Whenever you're there, you dominate the conversation, so it's not a good time.' 'You make them feel judged or criticized when you're around, which makes people measure their words. And if they don't want to do that, they just don't invite you.' 'You have some kind of conversational tendency that makes the experience unpleasurable for other people. So if you tend to be a one-upper or a negative Nancy, then people probably won't elect to have you in the room.' These reasons require you to look inward: Is there, perhaps, something you're doing that's putting people off? And though these might be hard to consider, doing some introspection is a good thing. In fact, having self-awareness is an important first step toward having better friendships, said Bayard Jackson. 'A lot of times on social media, I see people conflating feedback with attacking you or criticism,' she said. 'But that's how we get better. That's how we're made aware of how our friends experience us. I should want to know how my efforts and intentions are being received by others, by the people that I love. I want to know that.' Consider these possible reasons and if they might apply to you. If they're not relevant, let them go. But if they might be, then explore them further. 'Reflect on the past couple experiences you had in a social gathering. If you looked at a pie chart, how much of the talking was you? How much was them? And how frequently does that happen?' Bayard Jackson said. 'Sure, there might be times where maybe the spotlight's on you tonight because you kind of need more of the attention. But how often are you speaking most of the time? Do you tend to notice the same reaction from people? Do they tend to pull away or switch subjects when you bring up certain subjects? Does the energy in the room shift after you say certain things?' And take note if you're hearing the same comments about your attitude or conversational habits from different people in your life. 'If your mother and your boyfriend and your friend and your coworkers are giving you the same feedback, it might be worth looking at,' Bayard Jackson said. 'We can't be so sensitive to feedback that we don't get any. Because if we do, what continues to happen is we're going around life not realizing that we're turning people off, offending people, and just simply not engaging them well.' How To Deal With Not Being Invited Again, it's totally normal and OK to feel hurt, disappointed or even embarrassed by not being included in someone's plans. But resist the urge to dwell on those feelings, Goldfarb said. 'If there's a long history of closeness, if you're in a good place with your friend, give your friend the benefit of the doubt,' she said. 'Assume they have good intentions.' Think back to when you've planned something and haven't invited certain people for practical or arbitrary reasons. Then keep that in mind the next time you feel left out. 'I don't invite my best friends to some things I do, not because I don't want to connect with my friend, but because I have another friend going through a sensitive time, and I want to carve out time to focus on that other person,' Goldfarb said. 'That's OK. It's OK to not include everyone in everything.' You can also communicate your desire to be included in future social get-togethers or events. Just approach the conversation in a casual, tactful way. 'You don't have to accuse anyone of leaving you out,' Goldfarb said. 'Maybe they didn't realize you'd be interested, just like Danielle said. Just throw it out there. Be like, 'Oh, I'd love to come. If anyone can't make it, let me know, or next time you throw an event, keep me in mind because that sounds really fun.'' Taking some positive action can also help you feel better. For instance, you could use this as an opportunity to reach out to friends you've 'let float into the outer orbits,' said Goldfarb. 'Anytime you feel rejected, it can feel empowering to use that sadness, use that energy, to connect with someone else,' she said. 'You feel a little hurt, go connect with someone else. Because I'm sure, there's a friend out there who would love to hear from you.' Related... Freudenfreude Might Be Just What Your Friendships Are Missing This Is One Of The Most Damaging Phrases In A Friendship It's Not Just You: Making Friends After 60 Is Really Hard Solve the daily Crossword
The National
14-07-2025
- Politics
- The National
Trump and Netanyahu are masters of creating the illusion of regional peace
Meetings between US President Donald Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are more akin to a master class in posturing and duplicity than in diplomacy. Last week's meetings were no exception. Both men are master manipulators, products of the current media age. They create illusions that they insist are real. They often repeat an untruth over and over, and with such force, that it becomes real for those who trust them. Those who do not believe in the illusion are threatened, belittled or shunned. Both leaders have used their guile to achieve personal success in domestic politics. They have developed strong constituent bases that include followers who believe that their leadership must be supported and protected. At the same time, they are polarising figures who have contributed to creating deep fissures within their countries. Ignoring the reality that a root cause of tension in the Middle East is the Israeli dispossession of Palestinians, their proposals only add to that dispossession and the resistance it spawns in Gaza But because some of the illusions they project are often based on untruths, there are limits to their successes. In the first place, reality invariably presents a strong check to illusions. And ignoring reality can result in social unrest and political chaos. For example, Mr Trump promoted his signature budget plan – which he called the ' Big Beautiful Bill '– promising that it would be fiscally sound and bring greater prosperity to more Americans. Instead, it appears that it will dramatically increase the nation's deficit while potentially causing 17 million Americans to lose their health care. For his part, Mr Netanyahu has prolonged his war on Gaza (and Lebanon, Syria and Iran) promising that it would lead to 'total victory', making Israel more respected and secure. Instead, it has led to the International Criminal Court issuing an arrest warrant for Mr Netanyahu for war crimes and crimes against humanity. Israel, meanwhile, has seen its international standing diminished because of its war effort. Truth wins out. And so, we can expect the day to come when many of Mr Trump's voters lose their healthcare plans and see their rural hospitals forced to close and realise that the illusion of the 'Big Beautiful Bill' didn't include them. Much the same will occur in Israel when Israelis realise that 'total victory' is a farce – the conflict with Palestinians will continue as long as they are denied rights – and as tens of thousands of young Israeli soldiers return from having served several tours of duty in Gaza with PTSD, wreaking havoc at home and in their communities. With this as a backdrop, it was both fascinating and deeply disturbing to see the two leaders at work with, and on, each other last week – a bizarre exercise in flattery. As we say in colloquial English: 'They laid it on thick.' Mr Netanyahu, charged with war crimes, gave Mr Trump the letter he sent to the Norwegian Nobel Committee nominating him for the peace prize. And Mr Trump returned the compliment calling Mr Netanyahu 'the greatest man alive'. All of this can be dismissed as harmless puffery. But where the efforts of these two leaders become truly dangerous is when they and their acolytes come to believe the deceit and attempt to extend their efforts to supplant reality with illusion through policies that affect others. From what little is known of what transpired in the meetings between Mr Trump and Mr Netanyahu, it's clear that the ideas driving both are not based on reality. Mr Trump's plan was to evacuate Palestinians from Gaza to a location outside of Palestine where housing will be provided so they can live productive lives, making way for Gaza to become a Riviera-style resort. This was criticised early on as being based on ethnic-cleansing and blatant colonialism. Mr Netanyahu appears to have nothing better to offer than a slight modification of Mr Trump's idea. He wouldn't expel all of Gaza's Palestinians. But he would force as many to leave as possible to other countries that would take them. Those who remain would be 'relocated' to what Israel is calling 'a humanitarian relocation site' where Palestinians can be provided for and 'deradicalised'. Both plans share three elements. First, to sell their ideas, both Mr Trump and Mr Netanyahu clothe them in humanitarian language. Second, no matter how they try to dress them up, both plans are designed and offered without consideration for what Palestinians really want. And finally, therefore, both are delusional and destined not only to fail, but to exacerbate an already volatile situation. Maybe the biggest illusion projected by both men is the notion that their plans will create the conditions for regional peace. Ignoring the reality that a root cause of tension in the Middle East is the Israeli dispossession of Palestinians, their proposals only add to that dispossession and the resistance it spawns in Gaza (all the while compounding the same dispossession in the West Bank and East Jerusalem). As history has shown, it is perilous to ignore the humanity of Palestinians. It is also foolish for Mr Trump and Mr Netanyahu to assume that their projected illusions will be believed in the Arab world, making possible an 'era of peace'. This fantasy only exists in their minds and in the minds of their acolytes. As Abraham Lincoln, a great Republican president, is believed to have said 160 years ago: 'You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.'
