5 days ago
Threesomes with my partner are on her terms as she refuses to let another woman join us… what should I do?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner is happy to have threesomes with other men, but she refuses to let another woman join us for sex.
It doesn't feel fair and it's making me very insecure. What should I do?
We've been together for five years and are both in our early 30s. Our sex life fell into a rut last year.
She was never in the mood and said it was because it had become boring.
So we discussed ways of spicing things up.
My partner suggested having threesomes, which I agreed to try. I found talking about it a turn-on but, if I'm honest, I wasn't overly keen on bringing other people into bed with us.
I mainly said I'd go along with it because I didn't want to risk losing her.
She told me there was nothing to worry about and that she would organise it.
My girlfriend said she knew a couple of guys who'd be up for threesomes and invited them round on different nights.
I genuinely did enjoy the experience the first few times.
Seeing her in ecstasy with another man was exciting, although I didn't want him to touch me as I'm not bisexual.
And after the other guy left, my partner and I had great sex.
But when I asked if we could start to invite women, too, she said, 'No way!'.
She actually got annoyed that I'd asked. How is that fair?
I've now started to worry she's using the threesomes as a way of having sex with other men with my permission, rather than as part of our relationship.
Sometimes, she gets so into it with the other guy that I might as well not be there.
I've realised I'm not happy about this situation any more but when I try to talk to her about it, she just says that I agreed, so it's too late to change my mind. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You may have agreed but that was before you understood what these threesomes would actually be like.
Regardless, when it comes to sex, you're entitled to change your mind or withdraw consent at any time.
You're unhappy, insecure and questioning her motives, but your partner won't even discuss your request to invite another woman into your bedroom.
This is all on her terms.
I know you're scared to lose her but it's not healthy to go along with something you don't enjoy out of fear. My support pack, Thinking Of A Threesome, explains the pitfalls of this type of arrangement.
Talk to her again. If she loves you, she'll understand, put a stop to the threesomes and try to find other ways to improve your sex life.
There are ideas in my support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex.
THANK YOU FOR... HELP BEING FIRM ON FELLA'S ILL HEALTH
My relationship with my new man was getting serious but I couldn't handle him neglecting his wellbeing.
He is 43, I'm 45, and we had been together for a year when I wrote to you.
Despite niggling symptoms, pain and tummy troubles, my partner refused to see his GP – so I blocked contact with him. He said it was ridiculous but I couldn't bear the thought of losing him, too.
You didn't think I was overreacting, though. You understood why his behaviour was so triggering and told me that men are often loath to seek medical help.
You advised me to read your support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, talk to him again and ask him gently but firmly to see his doctor. You also suggested I get counselling for my anxiety.
Nothing changed and, after a lot of thought, I decided to end our relationship and friend-zone him. It wasn't just his health problems, but also his refusal to see how it was affecting us.
Thank you for your advice. It helped me find clarity in a difficult situation.
Hopefully, as a friend, and from an emotional distance, you can persuade your ex to see a doctor.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I bring myself to an orgasm, I can't stop crying.
I'm a 19-year-old girl and I often pleasure myself in bed or in the shower. I really enjoy it and it feels amazing.
But every time I reach climax, I find myself unable to stop sobbing. Once, my sister overheard me crying and knocked on my bedroom door to ask if I was OK.
I don't understand why I burst into tears as I don't feel sad. Am I normal?
DEIDRE SAYS: Try not to worry. You're perfectly normal and healthy.
Orgasm is a physical release – and so is crying.
Masturbation can be intense and overwhelming, especially when it's a new experience. It's likely that over time this will settle down. But if it doesn't, that's fine too.
My support pack, Worried About Masturbation?, should help reassure you.
SHE'S CUT ME OUT OF MY GRANDCHILDREN'S LIVES
DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S my grandson's eighth birthday next week but I don't know if I should send him a present.
My daughter won't let me see either of my grandchildren and I'm heartbroken. She's trying to poison them against me and cut me out of their lives.
I'm a widow of 67 and my two grandchildren are precious to me. But my daughter, 40, has decided she doesn't want me around her son and daughter.
She has a childless, older colleague and says she is more of a grandma to her children than I have ever been.
They even call her 'Nanna'. I can't imagine how confusing this must be.
I retired recently, but while I was working full-time – as well as caring for my late husband – it meant I wasn't around to help with the grandchildren much.
Even so, I tried to see them when I could and I've always sent them gifts and cards.
Now I have much more time to spare and I want to spend time with them. I've offered to pick them up from school, take them to museums and the cinema, and look after them overnight.
But my daughter says it's too late, they don't need me, and she doesn't want me in their lives.
I desperately want to send my grandson a birthday present but I'm worried how my daughter will react.
DEIDRE SAYS: Losing contact with the grandchildren must be so tough on you. It's not fair on you or the kids for your daughter to keep you apart.
Perhaps there's something deeper going on here, which she hasn't told you about.
Try appealing to her again. Consider writing a letter, so you can get all your thoughts down without rowing. Ask her to give you another chance for the children's sake.
Do send the gift. Even if she doesn't pass it on right now, you'll have done the right thing.
In the meantime, you could contact a group that helps people in your situation.
NO MONEY FOR MY KIDS
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my father died, he left money in his will for all of his grandchildren – except for my kids.
My sister was his favourite, and her children got tens of thousands each. I'm so upset about this, and don't know what to say to them.
I'm a 58-year-old man and have two children, aged 32 and 29. My father was 89 when he died last year.
He was fairly wealthy, so I assumed my children would each inherit a large sum.
They both have young families and student debts, and could really do with financial help, which I can't provide. But when the will was read, I was horrified to discover he'd left my kids nothing at all.
My dad and I had a difficult relationship, but reconciled towards the end and I didn't think he'd take it out on the next generation.
Their cousins each have £25,000. My kids say they don't care but I know they're hurt – and I am fuming at the injustice. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: When wills are unfair, it can cause so much damage to family relationships.
You're angry with your dad but you obviously can't tell him. You're also hurt about the way he treated you and your children too, but there's nowhere for this emotion to go. This is a type of grief known as disenfranchised grief.
It would help to talk to someone about your feelings. See my support pack, Coping With Bereavement, for information on where to get help.
Try not to make your children share your anger, or feel jealous of their cousins, so the cycle of resentment ends with you.
