14 hours ago
The back-to-school pickup habit that might be shutting kids down
As a parent, it's natural to want to ask your child a million questions after school: Who did they sit next to at lunch? Did they make new friends? How did they like their teacher? But a viral TikTok video from child development specialist, early interventionist, and parent coach Caley Kukla, which now has over 530,000 views, shows why this approach might not work—and offers a better way to reconnect.
Questions are not connections
Kukla reminded parents that asking a string of questions right after school can actually be counterproductive.
'I know you want to hear about their day. I know you probably have a million questions about how is their teacher, who's in their class, who did they sit with at lunch, what did they do at recess, what was their favorite subject so far … here's the thing: they just had a day of so much excitement, so many nerves, so much socialization, so many new expectations in a new environment with new peers with a new leader. It's mentally exhausting.'
Related: Back-to-school can be hard on parents, too
She explained that questions create demand fatigue:
'Think about how you feel at the end of the day when you've been with your kids all day, and they have a million questions a million demands, and they ask like one too many, right? It's demand fatigue and questions are demands because they're really expectations.'
'We ask a question. We expect an answer in return, and that's a cognitive demand on our child who's probably already cognitively depleted.'
A new approach to reconnecting after school
So how can parents connect with their kids without overwhelming them? Kukla suggests starting with simple, heartfelt remarks:
'Some reconnection with phrases such as, 'It's so good to see you,' or 'I was thinking about you today.' Then, we wait. Wait for them to share their energy with you.'
Once you gauge your child's mood, you can respond accordingly—whether they're happy, tired, or frustrated. And don't forget the snack.
Middle school moments and navigating the rollercoasterMiddle school can be especially challenging. From ages 11 to 14, kids are navigating blossoming independence, shifting friendships, and a host of new social and academic pressures. Parents may feel overwhelmed too. Knowing how to be there for your child—and taking care of yourself—is key.
Comments from viewers echo the struggle
The video has resonated with many parents, as seen in the TikTok comments:
@jaimesquid said: 'My kid doesn't want to talk about anything until 15 minutes before bed and then wants to tell me everything that ever happened in their life.'
@madelaineak said: 'Can you send this to my mom (I'm 32!).'
@abbiemarg233 said: 'Ugh 20 years too late to send it to my mom.'
@fkajj88 said: 'Love this, I like to ask, do you want to talk, music or silence.'
Related: Mom and doctor shares the top ways to avoid back-to-school sickness this fall
Connection looks different for every child
The takeaway? Connection doesn't always have to be conversational. It can be quiet, playful, snack-fueled, or a mix of gestures and presence. By validating your care, understanding demand fatigue, and using practical scripts, parents can create an after-school routine that truly fosters sharing—without overwhelm.
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