Latest news with #emotionalcloseness
Forbes
2 days ago
- General
- Forbes
3 Signs Of The ‘Conflict Paradox' In A Relationship, By A Psychologist
Couples who fight and still feel close don't fear conflict. Instead, they use it as a doorway to ... More deeper connection. Conflict is often viewed as a threat to intimacy; an indicator that something is fundamentally wrong. However, conflict has a more nuanced reality: for some couples who have put in the work to make their relationship foundation healthy, arguments serve as a process through which emotional closeness is deepened. When managed constructively, conflict can become a mechanism for growth, understanding and secure attachment. This is the 'conflict paradox' — some couples argue, but often grow closer as a result of it. This is not the same as living for the intensity and rush of a conflict and feeling bonded after. It means being deeply grounded in your connection and putting the relationship first, despite unwanted conflict. Here are three psychological reasons why some couples engage in conflict and yet report increased closeness afterward. 1. They See Conflict As An Emotional Realignment Process Misalignments are inevitable. Emotional needs change; expectations shift. As a result, unresolved tensions can quietly accumulate over time. Couples who feel emotionally safe enough to express dissatisfaction, even through conflict, are often engaging in a process of emotional realignment. According to research on relational conflict and reconciliation, emotional pain tends to trigger one of two responses: a defensive reaction that perpetuates the conflict, or a more intentional turn toward justice and grace, which facilitates healing. In this framework, conflict is not inherently destructive. Rather, it is an adaptive response to emotional pain, signaling that something in the relationship needs to be addressed or restructured. In such dynamics, the only concern is that these arguments may not always be articulated clearly. They may emerge as frustration, sarcasm or even defensiveness. So even if it is difficult, remind yourself of how much you care about this relationship and put in the effort to look beneath the surface, where the message is often some version of: 'I need you to see me differently now.' This is a call for empathy and care, regardless of your differences. Instead of interpreting disagreement as relational breakdown, emotionally healthy couples use conflict as a cue to renegotiate roles, clarify needs and update their understanding of each other's internal worlds. In this way, the argument becomes less about dysfunction and more about data, revealing where connection needs to be repaired or reestablished. 2. Their Relationship Can 'Contain' The Conflict Without Collapsing A telling feature of couples who are emotionally resilient in their partnerships is their ability to 'contain' conflict — to experience emotional intensity without letting it crack the relationship. This containment allows partners to express anger, frustration or hurt without slipping into destructive patterns like contempt, stonewalling or emotional withdrawal. Even in heated moments, the relationship remains unaffected at its roots because conflict stays within respectable boundaries. A 2015 diary study of 100 cohabiting couples found that partners with greater attachment security were better able to emotionally recover after conflict. They reported less disruption to mood, intimacy and satisfaction on the following day. Meaning, their relationship could hold emotional tension without becoming destabilized. In contrast, couples with higher attachment anxiety experienced more pronounced emotional fallout, indicating that the perceived strength of the bond plays a critical role in post-conflict repair. This ability to 'hold' conflict without collapse reflects a deep trust. The belief that the relationship can stretch without breaking essentially marks the difference between differentiation (the capacity to stay emotionally present despite disagreement) and disintegration (where conflict is experienced as a threat to the bond itself.) But the crux is that, when couples argue within secure emotional bounds, they don't fear emotional ruin. They trust that they can return to each other, and that makes all the difference. 3. Conflict Reveals Vulnerabilities, And The Way They Handle It Deepens Intimacy In several cases, the content of a fight is less important than what it reveals about each partner's emotions. Anger, withdrawal or defensiveness often serve as protective layers, masking deeper emotional struggles like a fear of abandonment, unmet needs or longstanding feelings of inadequacy. Partners who grow closer through conflict are mostly the ones who are able, or willing, to engage with this underlying vulnerability rather than react only to the surface behavior. When one partner says, 'You never listen to me,' they might actually mean to say that they feel invisible. When another retreats into silence, it may mean that they have a fear of saying the wrong thing. Partners who can attune to these emotional signals respond to the emotional subtext underlying the surface level argument. This enhances intimacy by validating one another's inner experiences and reinforcing the sense that, even in conflict, one can be seen, heard and emotionally held. Research backs this up. A 2021 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that people felt their partners were less emotionally supportive when they shared something vulnerable that directly involved the partner, unless that partner was mindful and present. When partners were mindful, they stayed supportive even during tough conversations. These findings suggest that vulnerability has the potential to deepen intimacy, but it has to be met with presence, openness and care. Here are a few strategies to allow your fights to pull you closer rather than apart: 1. Treat the argument as a living system reorganizing itself. Think of conflict as the relationship's way of recalibrating. Like a garden that needs regular pruning to grow well, your relationship may need occasional tension to clear out emotional overgrowth and make space for healthier connection. Ask yourself: 'What equilibrium were we stuck in that this fight is trying to disrupt?' 2. Notice which role you automatically occupy, and step out of it. In many fights, couples unconsciously fall into rehearsed roles: the pursuer and the distancer, the critic and the defender, the exploder and the imploder. Closeness grows when even one partner steps outside the script. Think: 'What would happen if I changed my usual reaction, just by 10%?' 3. Assume the fight is a bid for attachment, not just a dispute. Most conflict isn't about logistics. It's about longing. A protest is often a disguised plea that sounds like 'Where are you? Do I still matter to you?' Metaphorically, the fight is the smoke, and the longing is the fire. Instead of defending your position, respond to the emotion. For instance: 'It sounds like you're scared I've stopped caring.' 4. Don't just repair the argument, repair the narrative. Healthy couples don't just fix the content of a fight; they fix the roots of it too. They reflect on what the fight meant in the broader arc of their relationship. So make sure you debrief later with: 'What did that argument show us about where we are right now?' In short, sometimes, a fight is the relationship's attempt to grow up. Don't just resolve it, listen to what it's trying to evolve you into. When handled with care, conflict does not erode connection. It can, paradoxically, be what fortifies it. Wondering if you and your partner resolve conflict productively or destructively? Take the science-backed Ineffective Arguing Inventory to find out.
Yahoo
5 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
16 Signs Your Partner Isn't As Smart As You
Relationships work best when both people feel intellectually connected, inspired, and on the same wavelength. But if you're feeling like you're pulling all the mental weight or that the conversations leave you wanting more, it might be time to reflect. Here are 16 signs that you and your partner might not be vibing on the same intellectual level—and why it matters. When you're excited about something and they seem bored or uninterested, it can hurt. A partner doesn't have to love all the same things you do, but showing genuine curiosity about what lights you up is a big part of feeling connected. If they're tuning you out, it can feel like you're on your own. Research published in the *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology* shows that shared excitement and responsiveness are key to maintaining emotional closeness in relationships. Feeling ignored in your passions often signals a larger emotional gap. True intellectual compatibility means being curious about what matters to each other. When that curiosity is missing, the relationship can start to feel hollow. If you're always the one giving energy and they're not meeting you halfway, the connection starts to fade. Passion is contagious, but only when there's someone on the other side ready to catch it. And if they're not, it gets lonely fast. When your conversations rarely stray beyond 'how's work?' or what to eat for dinner, it can feel a little stale. You might crave discussions about big ideas, personal growth, or even playful hypotheticals that make you think. If your chats feel like reruns of the same basic dialogue, you're probably longing for deeper conversations that aren't happening. Great relationships thrive on curiosity, imagination, and growth. Without those elements, it can feel like you're mentally withering in each other's company. Staying on the surface all the time can make the relationship feel emotionally stagnant. You don't need TED Talk-level debates, but meaningful back-and-forth is how you stretch your thinking together. When that's missing, it's easy to feel intellectually lonely, even if you're sitting side by side. Relationships need oxygen—fresh thoughts, shared laughter, and ideas worth exploring. If your talks are only logistical or routine, the emotional depth suffers too. Whether it's your job or a side passion, it's tough when your partner doesn't show much interest or even tries to understand it. You don't need them to be an expert, but a little curiosity goes a long way in making you feel supported and seen. According to psychologist Dr. Terri Orbuch, couples who show interest in each other's work report significantly higher satisfaction and emotional closeness. It's not about knowledge—it's about effort. When someone asks questions or listens with genuine attention, it builds a sense of team. Feeling misunderstood or dismissed in something so central to your life can create an emotional rift. You want your partner to celebrate your wins, comfort you during setbacks, and understand the pressures that come with your career. If you're always met with blank stares or quick subject changes, it chips away at the intimacy. When they 'get' what you do—even at a basic level—it shows they value your whole self. And that feeling of being valued makes all the difference. When someone never challenges your opinions, it might seem supportive—but it can actually signal disinterest or a lack of depth. Healthy relationships thrive on respectful debate and the ability to question each other thoughtfully. If every conversation ends in a nod and a 'yeah, totally,' it may leave you feeling unchallenged or unheard. True intellectual compatibility includes encouraging each other to think critically and explore new perspectives. Without that kind of engagement, it's easy for conversations to feel flat or uninspiring. You may start to feel like you're carrying the mental energy alone, hoping they'll meet you halfway. While harmony is important, so is mental stimulation. If they never push back, it might be time to ask yourself whether the dynamic feels too passive to grow with. When you share an idea and get eye rolls, sighs, or sarcasm in return, it's not just discouraging—it's silencing. Relationships should be spaces where ideas are exchanged, even if they're unconventional or unexpected. A partner who dismisses your thoughts without curiosity can make you feel small. In a Psychology Today article, Dr. Steven Stosny notes that intellectual invalidation over time can erode emotional safety in a relationship. Being able to entertain new ideas—even if you don't agree with them—shows openness and maturity. It's not about agreeing on everything but respecting each other enough to listen and engage. If they can't do that, it's hard to feel fully seen or supported. You deserve to be with someone who encourages your mental exploration, not someone who shuts the door on it. When your partner shows no interest in expanding their knowledge, it can feel like they've stopped evolving. You might be diving into new books, documentaries, or hobbies while they stick to the same routine. This lack of curiosity creates a gap—not just intellectually, but emotionally. Growth doesn't have to look the same for both people, but there should be a shared interest in becoming better, wiser, more aware humans. If one of you is constantly seeking and the other is always resisting, the disconnect gets wider. You may feel lonely in your curiosity or even judged for wanting more. That's a tough space to be in if growth is one of your values. Lifelong learning isn't just about smarts—it's about depth, adaptability, and connection. There's nothing wrong with loving reality TV or light comedy—but if that's all they consume, the conversations might start feeling one-dimensional. Shared entertainment is often a window into shared values and intellectual engagement. According to a 2022 report from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, couples who engage in meaningful media together report greater emotional intimacy and intellectual satisfaction. If your partner resists anything thought-provoking, you may begin to feel like your interests are too 'serious.' You want someone who's willing to occasionally dive deeper—not every movie night has to turn into a philosophy session, but you shouldn't feel like the odd one out for enjoying content with depth. Intellectual connection can often begin through shared culture and ideas. When those avenues are closed, it limits how you grow together. Don't be afraid to ask for balance in what you both consume and discuss. Explaining things once in a while is part of any relationship—but if you feel like you're constantly teaching, it can quickly become draining. The imbalance begins to feel more parental than romantic. It's not that intelligence must be equal, but the desire to keep up, learn, and understand should be mutual. When that's missing, your partner may seem disengaged or emotionally dependent on your mental labor. This dynamic can make you feel more like their guide than their equal. It's okay to want someone who can match your energy intellectually and emotionally. If they're not putting in effort to meet you where you are, it creates distance over time. Healthy relationships should feel collaborative, not like one person is carrying all the cognitive weight. Being disconnected from current events doesn't necessarily mean someone is unintelligent, but it can be a sign they aren't curious about the world around them. If you want to talk about politics, climate, or global events and they always change the subject, it creates a rift. Staying informed isn't just about news—it's about empathy, context, and awareness. A partner who avoids these discussions might struggle to engage with big-picture thinking. This makes conversations feel small and your shared worldview feel limited. It can feel like you're alone in caring about what matters. And while not everyone needs to be a policy wonk, a basic interest in the world shows mental presence. That presence matters in a partner you want to grow with. Talking about values, goals, and dreams may feel intimidating to someone who avoids introspection—but it's essential for building a future. When they dodge every deep conversation with jokes or deflection, you might feel like you're building alone. These aren't just 'heavy' topics—they're the architecture of a shared life. Without them, you can't really know if you're growing in the same direction. If you're the only one initiating meaningful dialogue, resentment starts to build. You want someone who's willing to explore uncertainty and imagine the future with you. Those talks don't need to happen daily—but they do need to happen. Connection thrives on vision, and without shared reflection, it's easy to feel like you're drifting. A shared sense of humor is often one of the strongest markers of compatibility—and when it's missing, it's hard to fake. If your jokes fall flat or you're constantly having to explain why something's funny, it might start to feel like you're on different planets. Humor is more than entertainment—it's cultural, intellectual, and emotional shorthand. When someone doesn't 'get it,' you may feel misunderstood in deeper ways, too. It's not about having the exact same comedic taste—it's about feeling like you're laughing together, not separately. Humor bonds people through timing, insight, and emotional resonance. Without that bond, light moments can feel awkward rather than intimate. A mismatched sense of humor may not seem like a dealbreaker at first, but it wears on connection over time. Self-reflection is what helps us grow, evolve, and become better partners. If your person avoids ever examining their past, their choices, or their habits, that can be a red flag. It means they may resist accountability or reject the idea that change is necessary. Over time, this kind of mindset leads to stagnation—not just in them, but in the relationship. You may feel like you're doing all the emotional labor, while they stay stuck. That kind of imbalance becomes a burden. Relationships thrive when both people are committed to understanding themselves and each other. Without that willingness, it's hard to move forward in a meaningful way. If every conversation has to stay surface-level, it starts to feel emotionally thin. Complex topics—whether it's love, politics, or personal philosophy—add depth and nuance to a relationship. When someone avoids these like the plague, it may signal discomfort with emotional or intellectual complexity. That avoidance creates distance and limits growth. It's not that you need to debate every night, but engaging in real conversations builds trust and intimacy. If they shy away from nuance, you may feel lonely in your thoughts. That loneliness grows over time, even if everything else looks okay on the surface. Don't underestimate the power of rich dialogue in sustaining emotional closeness. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is growing together by challenging each other's beliefs in healthy ways. When your partner refuses to consider different viewpoints—whether about people, politics, or even lifestyle—it can feel rigid and small. Open-mindedness isn't about changing your opinion on everything—it's about willingness to understand where others are coming from. A closed mind makes for closed conversations. You may start to censor yourself just to avoid their judgment or inflexibility. That's not a recipe for real intimacy. It's important to be with someone who's not just open to you, but open to the world. Curiosity and empathy go hand in hand—and they're both signs of deep emotional and intellectual intelligence.
Forbes
22-06-2025
- General
- Forbes
3 Questions Couples Should Ask For A Lasting Marriage, By A Psychologist
These three questions help long-term couples stay focused on what really matters and remind ... More themselves that they are still on the same team. As years go by, many couples drift apart, and the novelty of marriage gives way to routine. Often, when children are involved, they naturally take priority and the relationship is sidetracked. Eventually, many couples start asking themselves, 'Where did we go wrong?' It's one thing to fall in love. It's another to stay in love across decades of change, conflict and seasons where the spark dims and the marriage is barely surviving. Yet, with time, the couples who come out more resilient are the ones who consistently realign themselves by asking these three questions. 1. Are We Growing Together Or Just Coexisting? In a 2021 study published in Psychological Reports, researchers explored how intrinsic motivation, the internal drive to act based on interest, personal importance or inner values, affects satisfaction in long-term romantic relationships. Using a sample of 331 adults, including many who were married for over a decade, they found that higher levels of intrinsic motivation were significantly associated with greater emotional closeness, perceived relationship support and marital satisfaction. That is, relationships endure not because individuals promise to stay committed but because they are self-motivated to invest, participate and develop. It's the internal push that tells you, 'I want to get to know you better,' or 'I'm interested in who we're becoming.' That inner desire, not duty, is what energizes a relationship emotionally. So, when days start to feel mundane and routine takes over, it's easy to feel like you're just going through the motions of marriage. That's exactly when it's time to get curious again about your partner. Do you remember what first sparked your partner's passion? What dreams and interests lit up their eyes? Are those passions still alive? Do you recall falling in love with that spark — the way they talked about what mattered deeply to them, the difference they wanted to make in the world? Allowing curiosity to guide the way allows you to rediscover one another. It opens a doorway to a marriage in which you both keep developing as individuals and derive motivation from enabling that development within each other. Asking, 'Are we growing together or coexisting?' is not something done once. It's a habit that needs to be practiced regularly. Take time every now and then, even if it's a few minutes, to discuss what is evolving in your lives and how you can be there for each other's growth. 2. Do We Still Want The Same Future Together? As individuals mature, so do their priorities. The couples who remain connected are the ones who return to the plan. They discuss what still works, what's changed and how to align again. When two individuals no longer want the same future, disconnection isn't a matter of insufficient love. It means two partners have begun living parallel lives, with incompatible destinations. Studies of long-term relationship happiness often cite the significance of common values and life alignment. Emotional connection may keep couples together on a day-to-day basis, but it's a common direction that keeps them united over decades. A 2019 systematic review published in Epidemiology and Health examined what holds long-term marriages together across different countries and cultures. The most consistent protective factors weren't just romantic; instead, they were: When couples align on major decisions, like finances, parenting or where to live, they reduce sources of chronic conflict and increase their sense of partnership. These ongoing conversations don't just prevent misunderstandings; they reinforce the sense that you're still a team, facing life's changes together. In practice, this looks like carving out time, maybe once a year or during significant life milestones, to discuss what's most important to you right now. Are your aspirations still aligned? Have your priorities changed? Do you need to renegotiate any responsibilities or roles? You don't need to have all the answers during these check ins. The goal should simply be to remain connected as you both grow and evolve together. 3. Do We Still Feel Safe And Seen Even When We Fight? In most relationships, conflict isn't the problem; the way it's handled is. For this reason, long-term couples have to learn how to move through it without losing connection, instead of just avoiding conflict altogether. A 2024 qualitative study published in Contemporary Family Therapy introduced the concept of Jointly Negotiated Conflict Resolution Strategies (JNCRS) — the conflict habits couples actively develop together over time. After interviewing 90 couples married for 40+ years and surveying over 900 more, researchers identified six core strategies: Notably, just three of these — listening, conflict de-escalation and clear communication — accounted for nearly half of all responses. These strategies weren't static. They were evolved through lived experience, shaped by cultural norms, modeled parental dynamics and repeated through trial and error. They kept working to make conflict safer, softer and more constructive for both people involved. This sense of safety extends to physical health, too. A 2016 longitudinal study published in Emotion tracked married couples for 20 years and discovered that unresolvable emotional behaviors during conflict predicted certain health outcomes down the line. When anger was the dominant emotion during conflict, cardiovascular symptoms worsened over time. When one or both partners stonewalled — shut down or disengaged — musculoskeletal issues such as back and neck pain became more prevalent. These impacts didn't immediately appear. They added up gradually, year after year, as tension remained stuck within the body and the relationship. What this shows us is potent: feeling emotionally secure in conflict isn't just beneficial for your relationship. It's a long-term wager on your body, your health and your future. And so when you ask, 'Do we feel safe even when we fight?' and the response is no, that's not the end, but it is a signal. It's a cue to begin working toward a form of communication that safeguards the connection rather than sabotages it. This sense of emotional safety is never a given; it's something unique that couples learn to create and cultivate throughout their lives together. Take this research-backed test to find out if your fights are fueling connection, or breaking it down: Ineffective Arguing Inventory
Globe and Mail
26-05-2025
- General
- Globe and Mail
At first she ghosted me, then dropped me with AI. I'm not sure which was worse
First Person is a daily personal piece submitted by readers. Have a story to tell? See our guidelines at I met my friend in university. We shared a birthday, and we used to share an irreverent sense of humour. Both of us without siblings, there was a kinship. Over the course of 25 years, despite a chasm of several thousand kilometres, we maintained an emotional closeness. Just a few years ago, during a challenging time in her life, I flew across the continent to tend to her donkeys so she could attend to her own well-being. Highlights of my stay included mucking stalls in the 40-degree temperatures, skirting scuttling tarantulas (it was tarantula mating season) and sweaty co-sleeping with her pit bull. I wouldn't describe it as a comfortable visit, but I didn't mind as it was an important one. It was also an escape from my increasingly predictable life and the pandemic lockdowns. I had always enjoyed my friend's quirkiness, her love of animals and her life off the beaten path. Recently, this path had veered toward alternate forms of energy healing, including tuning forks and sound baths – not really my thing. A few months ago, I sent what I intended as a playful text that may have been seen as making light of whom she was aspiring to become. Soon thereafter, I noticed a chill. While I was visiting her city, she was 'too drained' to meet for dinner and cancelled our plans. I admit, I was a bit relieved. Our differences were making it challenging to find common ground. Her new interests seemed to have edited out her self-deprecating humour that I had once so thoroughly enjoyed. In turn, I suspect she found me spiritually bankrupt or terminally cynical. Unfortunately, it seems I will never know. I didn't want our friendship to end based on a single text that may have been hurtful to her. After a few failed attempts to meaningfully check in, I apologized if my note had landed sideways and suggested a phone call. In return, I got an e-mail that, at first glance, seemed civil and thoughtful. It thanked me for my apology, said 'nothing dramatic' had happened, but admitted that 'things had shifted for her' and she 'no longer felt a pull to stay in touch.' She wished me well for 'whatever is next.' Part of me admired her honesty. We all outgrow some friendships but sometimes maintain them out of obligation. Maybe this was what 'conscious uncoupling' (or in this case, conscious unfriending) is all about? Perhaps her approach had more integrity than my efforts to limp along out of shared history and a sense of duty. But something – besides my bruised ego – was nagging at me. The syntax of her e-mail was troubling: it was formal and used em dashes that weren't her style. Her sentiments were expressed in a vague and rather generic manner. Upon the suggestion of a much more tech-savvy friend, I ran this message through an AI checker. While not infallible, it suggested that her message was entirely written by AI. After a 25-year friendship, it seemed that I had been dumped by a bot. Let me diverge for a moment. Despite working part-time in academia, I had not yet become 'AI-empowered.' Like my long since departed grandmother, who had felt too old to master the VCR, I simply refused to embrace this new technology. I found it creepy, and I wanted to think for myself. My husband, captivated with AI, talked about 'Claude,' a seemingly French chatbot whom he thinks to be vastly improving his life. When Eric asked me a question, I would sometimes tease, 'let's just consult with Claaaude …'. Now, since having been bot-dumped, I've been tooling around with AI, myself. My friends and I have enlisted it to produce off-colour songs about each other set to Whitney Houston soundtracks. I also asked Claude for a menu of possible replies to my friend's message. (None of which I sent.) It (he?) started by acknowledging how painful that message must have been. Claude had been supremely, but eerily, validating. As a therapist, I was scratching my head and more than a little fearful for my job. When I think about my friend's goodbye e-mail, I wonder if breaking up with friends is unnecessarily dramatic. Is it more natural to have relationships slowly die on the vine? Should the world spin based on polite white lies and loosely sustained connections or is there a clarity and integrity in consciously acknowledging that we no longer find a connection fulfilling? The effort of grieving may be more than this situation calls for, and yet, I do feel some sadness not only about the loss of the specific connection, but also loss of connection more broadly. I will never know whether my former friend used this tool to help her find words for her feelings or whether she just couldn't be bothered to speak from the heart. I am left questioning at what precipice are we now standing with AI, and where will I stand a year from now? Will we be 'empowered' or enhanced, or will we have a convenient shortcut that removes the essence from the ways we are meant to relate? Perhaps I'll just ask Claude. Julie Goldenson lives in Toronto.
