Latest news with #emotionaldisconnection
Yahoo
21-07-2025
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
15 Signs You're Obsessed With Escaping Your Marriage
If you've found yourself daydreaming about life outside your marriage, you're not alone. Many people experience moments of doubt or dissatisfaction in their relationships, but if you're constantly looking for the exit sign, it might be time to take a closer look at what's going on. Recognizing these signs can be the first step towards understanding your feelings and deciding your next steps. Here are 15 signs that you might be obsessed with how to escape your marriage. 1. You Constantly Imagine Life Alone You often catch yourself daydreaming about what life would be like on your own. While it's natural to wonder about different paths, if you're imagining a single life more than you're enjoying your current one, it might indicate deeper issues. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, constantly fantasizing about life outside your marriage indicates emotional disconnection and dissatisfaction. When your mind frequently drifts towards solo adventures, it's a sign your needs might not be being met in your current relationship. Consider this a prompt to communicate with your partner or seek guidance. These fantasies may start as harmless escapism but can become a fixation. You might find yourself planning entire scenarios, from where you'd live to how you'd spend your newfound free time. The more detailed these daydreams become, the less content you feel in your current situation. If these fantasies are replacing genuine efforts to improve your marriage, it's a red flag. It could be an indication that you're emotionally disengaged from your partner and the relationship. 2. You Avoid Conversations About The Future Discussing future plans with your partner feels daunting and uncomfortable. You might notice that you steer conversations away from long-term topics like buying a house or having kids. This avoidance is often rooted in uncertainty or a lack of desire to imagine a future together. If you're dodging these discussions consistently, it suggests a reluctance to commit to a shared future. It might be time to reflect on why envisioning a future with your partner seems so unappealing. Instead of working towards shared goals, you may find yourself focusing more on personal aspirations. This shift can create a disconnect, where your priorities no longer align with your partner's. Avoidance can lead to serious misunderstandings and unmet expectations. Your partner might mistake your silence for agreement, leading to misaligned life paths. To prevent long-term discord, it's crucial to address your feelings about the future sooner rather than later. 3. You're Increasingly Resentful Of Your Partner You find yourself getting easily irritated by your partner's habits or quirks that never bothered you before. This growing resentment might be more about your unhappiness than their behavior. Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and one of the developers of Emotionally Focused Therapy, explains that resentment often stems from unaddressed emotional needs. When these needs are continually unmet, they can manifest as frustration or bitterness towards your partner. Recognizing this resentment can be the first step in addressing deeper issues in the relationship. Instead of communicating your frustrations, you might let them fester. This can create a toxic environment, where you silently seethe rather than seeking solutions. Over time, these feelings can erode the foundation of your relationship, making escape seem more appealing. The key is to identify these emotions early and address the root causes. Open dialogue can help mitigate these feelings before they become overwhelming. 4. You're Spending More Time With Friends Than Your Partner An increase in social activities might be an unconscious way to escape the confines of marriage. If you find yourself scheduling more nights out with friends than evenings with your partner, it might indicate avoidance. Socializing is healthy, but if it's used to dodge spending time with your spouse, it might be problematic. This pattern can lead to emotional distance and weaken your bond. It's essential to examine why you prefer friends' company over your partner's. If you're consistently choosing friends over your partner, it might reflect underlying dissatisfaction. You might feel more understood, valued, or relaxed with your friends, which highlights what might be missing in your marriage. While friendships are vital, they shouldn't replace the primary relationship with your partner. Balancing your time and addressing why you're seeking companionship elsewhere can prevent further drift. Consider discussing this pattern openly with your partner to find a compromise. 5. You're Secretly Planning For Financial Independence Managing your finances secretly or striving for financial independence might indicate you're preparing for an exit strategy. While financial independence is empowering, doing so in secrecy can be a sign of marital distrust or dissatisfaction. According to a study by Jeffrey Dew, a professor at Utah State University, financial disagreements are a significant predictor of divorce. If you're stashing away money without your partner's knowledge, it might be a sign you're contemplating leaving. Transparency in finances usually signifies trust, so secrecy can be a red flag. This hidden financial behavior can create a sense of isolation. You may feel like you're leading a double life, which can strain your relationship further. Building a secret financial safety net might suggest you're not fully invested in the marriage's longevity. It's essential to explore the reasons behind this secretiveness and what it means for your relationship. Consider discussing financial goals openly to rebuild trust and align your financial futures. 6. Your Interest In Intimacy Has Diminished A noticeable decline in physical affection can be a sign of emotional disconnect. If you've lost interest in being intimate with your partner, it might be time to explore why. This lack of desire could stem from unresolved conflicts or unmet emotional needs. It might not just be about physical attraction but rather an indication of deeper issues. Prioritizing intimacy can help mend emotional gaps and bring partners closer. However, if the thought of intimacy feels more like a chore than a pleasure, it's crucial to address it. Ignored, this can lead to feelings of rejection and hurt on both sides. Intimacy is often a reflection of the emotional state of a relationship. When it diminishes, it might signify larger, unspoken issues at play. Open conversations about these feelings can pave the way towards understanding and resolution. 7. You Frequently Argue Over Minor Issues Petty arguments can often mask more significant underlying problems in a marriage. If you find that minor disagreements quickly escalate, it's a sign of unresolved tension. According to Dr. Terri Orbuch, a professor at Oakland University, couples who argue about minor issues may be subconsciously expressing deeper dissatisfaction. These frequent clashes can erode the relationship over time. The key is to address the root causes instead of getting caught in trivial battles. This pattern of frequent fighting over small matters can create a toxic atmosphere. Each argument can leave both partners feeling frustrated and misunderstood. If these patterns persist, it might signal that the marriage is a source of stress rather than support. Reflect on why these triggers set you off and what they reveal about your relationship. Finding healthier ways to communicate is vital for breaking this cycle. 8. You're Emotionally Detached Feeling emotionally distant from your partner is a significant sign of marital dissatisfaction. You might notice a lack of emotional engagement in everyday interactions. This detachment can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood, even when you're physically together. It often stems from unmet emotional needs or unresolved conflicts. Recognizing emotional detachment is crucial to addressing the underlying causes. This distance can gradually transform your relationship into a mere coexistence. Without emotional intimacy, partners may feel like strangers sharing the same space. Left unchecked, it can lead to a complete breakdown in communication. To rebuild this connection, it's essential to express your feelings and listen to your partner's needs. Re-establishing emotional intimacy involves vulnerability and effort from both sides. 9. You Look For Validation Outside The Marriage Looking for validation or attention outside your marriage might suggest you're not getting enough support at home. This behavior can manifest in seeking compliments or emotional support from friends or even flirtations with others. It often indicates a desire for recognition and appreciation that you're not receiving from your partner. This can be damaging as it diverts emotional energy away from the marriage. Understanding why you're seeking validation elsewhere is key to addressing unmet needs within the relationship. This search for external validation can also erode trust. Your partner might feel neglected or suspicious if they sense you're emotionally investing elsewhere. It's important to communicate your needs openly and discuss how both partners can feel appreciated. By addressing these issues, you can prevent further emotional drift. Rebuilding mutual respect and admiration is crucial for a healthy marriage. 10. You Make Solo Plans For The Future Planning a future without your partner in mind is a clear sign of disengagement. This might involve career moves, travel plans, or lifestyle changes that don't include your partner. While individual growth is important, excluding your partner from these decisions can be a red flag. It suggests a lack of interest in a shared future, which can be deeply unsettling for your partner. Reflecting on why you're making these solo plans is critical. These decisions, made unilaterally, can create a rift in the relationship. Your partner might feel sidelined, leading to feelings of betrayal or confusion. It's important to assess whether these plans are driven by a desire for personal development or a sign of wanting out. Open discussions about each other's aspirations can bridge the gap. Reinforcing a shared vision for the future requires effort from both partners. 11. You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Partner's Presence If your partner's presence feels more suffocating than supportive, it might indicate underlying issues. You might find yourself craving solitude or feeling irritated by their company. This feeling of being overwhelmed is often a sign of emotional burnout in the relationship. It can stem from unaddressed grievances or feeling unfulfilled. It's essential to identify what's causing this discomfort. Consistently feeling this way can strain your relation significantly. Instead of cherishing time together, you might start avoiding it, leading to emotional distance. This behavior can create a cycle of frustration and misunderstanding. To address this, consider what space or changes you need to feel more comfortable. Honest conversations about personal space and boundaries are vital for a balanced partnership. 12. You're Reluctant To Work On Relationship Issues A lack of motivation to resolve conflicts or address relationship issues is a warning sign. If you find yourself indifferent or unwilling to put in the effort to improve things, it might indicate you've checked out emotionally. This reluctance often stems from a feeling of hopelessness or exhaustion regarding the relationship. Apathy can be more damaging than anger because it suggests a lack of investment. Addressing this reluctance promptly is crucial. Avoiding the hard work of relationship maintenance can lead to further deterioration. You might start accepting the status quo rather than striving for improvement. This can result in a stagnant relationship where neither partner is truly happy. To move forward, both partners need to recommit to addressing their issues. Seeking external help, like therapy, can provide new perspectives and tools for rebuilding. 13. You Live An Increasingly Independent Lifestyle While independence is healthy, an increasingly independent lifestyle can signal dissatisfaction if it excludes your partner. You might find yourself making plans, pursuing hobbies, or spending time away from home more frequently. This shift can indicate a desire for separation rather than partnership. While it's essential to maintain individuality, a lack of shared experiences can widen the gap between you and your partner. Recognizing this balance is key to a healthy relationship. This lifestyle change can make your partner feel excluded or undervalued. If you're consistently prioritizing personal endeavors over shared activities, it could harm your connection. It's important to evaluate whether this independence is fulfilling or if it's an escape mechanism. Openly discussing how to balance individual pursuits with shared experiences can strengthen your marriage. Maintaining a sense of partnership requires effort and commitment from both sides. 14. You Have An Increased Interest In Others' Marital Problems Fascination with other people's marital issues might be a sign you're projecting your own feelings. You might find yourself drawn to stories of divorce or relating too closely to friends' relationship struggles. This interest could serve as a distraction from your own marital discontent. It might also reflect a subconscious desire to seek validation for how you're feeling. Acknowledging why these stories resonate with you can be enlightening. This focus on others' problems can create an unhealthy comparison. You might start measuring your relationship against those struggling, using it to justify your feelings. While it's normal to be curious about others' experiences, it's crucial to address what's happening in your own marriage. Reflect on whether these stories are motivating you to improve or escape. Understanding your reactions can guide your next steps. 15. You've Been Researching Divorce Or Separation If you're frequently researching divorce or separation, it's a significant indication you're considering these as real options. This behavior might involve looking up legal advice, reading about others' experiences, or understanding the logistics of a split. It highlights a serious contemplation about leaving the marriage. While researching can be informative, it can also reinforce thoughts of dissatisfaction. Balancing this knowledge with a genuine attempt to address marital issues is crucial. This research can create a mindset focused on leaving rather than repairing. It might lead you to fixate on the negatives instead of seeking solutions. While it's important to be informed, it's equally essential to communicate your feelings to your partner. Discussing your concerns openly can provide clarity and direction. Whether you choose to stay or separate, knowing you've tried to address the issues can bring peace. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
23-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
If Your Husband Is Acting Like This He's Already Halfway Out The Door
You've felt it, haven't you? That barely perceptible shift in the air, like an echo of something you can't quite hold onto. Maybe it started as a whisper of doubt or a tug at your intuition, but now it's a chorus you can't ignore. Before you let the questions consume your every waking thought, take a moment to consider these signs that your husband might be drifting away—these nuanced tells that he's already packing his bags, even if just emotionally. Once upon a time, your lives played out across social media, a digital scrapbook of shared memories and inside jokes. But now, his profiles are ghost towns, devoid of your presence. If he's curating an online persona that doesn't include you, it might be more than just a digital detox. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, a sudden withdrawal from shared spaces could signal emotional disconnection and a desire to create distance. This isn't about needing a bit of privacy; it's about rewriting the narrative. His presence—or lack thereof—on social media might be hinting at new chapters he's drafting without you. When every tagged photo is from the past and each status update feels like a carefully edited version of a life that's moving on, it's hard not to feel like you're being left out of the story. It's the silence between the posts that says more than the words themselves. Exercise is healthy, and a new fitness kick might seem like a positive change, right? But when it morphs into an obsession, there's often something deeper at play. If he's swapping Netflix nights for late runs or spending hours at the gym with newfound zeal, it's worth wondering if he's running from something rather than toward a healthier lifestyle. Abs aren't the only thing being sculpted—sometimes it's a new identity, one that doesn't include you. This sudden dedication might not just be about health; it's about transformation. And while he's flexing in front of the mirror, you're left questioning whether he's imagining a different reflection. It's not just about the physical shifts but the emotional ones. When those endorphin highs leave you feeling low, it becomes about what he's gaining compared to what you're losing. The occasional late night at the office is one thing, but when he's consistently burning the midnight oil, it's worth examining. Work can be a convenient excuse, a socially acceptable cover for a myriad of other things. According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, increased work hours can lead to marital dissatisfaction and emotional estrangement. If he's choosing spreadsheets over shared dinners, it might not just be ambition driving him. You're left with the leftovers of your day, waiting up for the sound of his key in the door. Each tick of the clock feels like an echo of absence, a testament to the growing distance between you. And all the while, you're left wondering if it's the job he's committed to—or the escape it provides. It's not just the hours he's spending at work, but the moments you're losing together that are ticking away. When he suddenly picks up hobbies that don't include you, it's more than just a quest for personal growth. A new interest is great, but when it becomes a world you're not invited into, it can feel like a door slammed shut. It's not about the ceramics class or the guitar lessons, but who he's choosing to become while you're not looking. His new passions are starting to sound like solo performances rather than a duet. He might insist it's just about finding himself, but you can't help but wonder if he's also trying to lose you. These new pursuits could be his way of distancing himself, creating pockets of a life that's slowly drifting away from you. The conversations become stilted, filled with tales of adventures you weren't on, anecdotes you weren't a part of. It's a slow erosion of the intimacy you once shared, replaced by the unfamiliar terrain of his new interests. A little time with the guys is normal, but when it becomes a regular escape, you have to question what he's escaping from. If 'guys' night' is code for avoidant behavior, it's worth digging deeper. Psychologist Dr. Terri Orbuch notes that excessive time away from a partner can indicate underlying issues within the relationship. It's not just about the beer and the banter; it's about the deliberate choice to be anywhere but with you. You might find yourself waiting up, wondering why he seems more at home at the bar than in your living room. And as the nights pile up, so do the excuses and the unsaid words. It's not just camaraderie he's seeking; it's distance. Those nights out are starting to feel like nights away, a slow unraveling of the connection you thought was unbreakable. Once, he remembered your favorite comfort food and the way you like your tea. Now, he seems to forget the small details that stitch your lives together. It's as if the mundane minutiae have lost their meaning, slipping through the cracks of his scattered attention. When he stops noticing the little things, it's often because his mind is elsewhere. You start to miss the warmth of those everyday rituals, the unspoken understanding that used to feel like home. Each overlooked detail feels like a thread pulled from the fabric of your shared life. As the little things become less important, so does the emotional tapestry that binds you. It's in the tiny, unnoticed shifts that the real distance begins to grow. Screens have become our portals to the world, but when his is a barrier rather than a bridge, it's a problem. If he's glued to his phone but you're not part of the conversation, it's a red flag. Research by Dr. James A. Roberts in the Journal of Psychology of Popular Media Culture shows that excessive phone use can lead to decreased relationship satisfaction. When his screen is more captivating than your voice, it's time to take note. You might find him scrolling endlessly, lost in a world that doesn't include you. Each notification chime feels like an interruption, a reminder of where his attention truly lies. The digital world, with all its allure, becomes a shadowy third in your relationship. When you're left competing with a device for his time, it's a sign that something deeper is amiss. Conversations once flowed like fine wine, but now they've dried to a trickle of monosyllabic responses. 'Fine,' 'Good,' 'Okay'—the verbal equivalent of a shrug. When every question is met with a curt reply, it's more than just fatigue; it's a refusal of engagement. He's there, but not really, offering just enough to maintain the illusion of presence. You might brush it off as a phase, but the silence stretches like a chasm between you. Each unspoken word becomes a stone in the wall that's building itself higher with each passing day. What used to be shared laughter and secrets now feels like a guessing game with a silent partner. It's not just words he's holding back, but the connection that once defined you. When it's time to talk about the tough stuff, he's suddenly swamped with commitments. There's always a meeting, a deadline, or a convenient crisis that pulls him away. It's not that he's busy—it's that he's unavailable for you. Avoidance becomes a strategy, a way to dodge the heart of the matter and leave the weight of the relationship squarely on your shoulders. You're left feeling like you're speaking into a void, your concerns echoing back without resonance. Each missed conversation is another brick in the wall of emotional isolation. The important discussions are postponed indefinitely, lingering in the air like smoke. It's not just the time he's avoiding, but the accountability that comes with it. Once, you mapped out your dreams over lazy Sunday mornings, a future painted with shared hopes and plans. Now, those conversations feel like relics of a past you're struggling to hold onto. When the future is no longer a canvas of possibilities but a topic he avoids, it's a sign he might be imagining a different horizon. The silence on future plans speaks louder than any words. You're left wondering if you're still a character in the story he's writing for his life. Each unmentioned holiday or unplanned weekend feels like a door closing on the possibilities you once cherished. It's not just anticipation that's missing, but the shared vision that used to bind you. The future becomes a lonely place when you're dreaming alone. When simple questions become battlegrounds, it's not just stress you're dealing with. His defensiveness might signal deeper insecurities or guilt, an internal struggle projected outward. If every inquiry is met with a wall of justification, it's more than just protectiveness—it's a symptom of emotional unease. You're left tiptoeing around conversations, trying to find the balance between concern and confrontation. Each defensive retort leaves you feeling like a trespasser in your own relationship. The ease of open communication is replaced by eggshells and caution. It's not just his words that sting, but the underlying message that something's amiss. Defensiveness becomes the armor he wears, shielding a truth he's unwilling to share. His once-eager interest in your day and your dreams has waned, replaced by disinterest or distraction. When he stops asking about the things that matter to you, it's a sign that his attention has drifted. Your stories become monologues, shared in a void where they once sparked discussions. It's not just curiosity he's lost, but the connection that curiosity fosters. You start to feel invisible, your life a subplot in the narrative you once co-wrote. Each unasked question is a reminder of the distance growing between you. It's not just your day that goes unnoticed, but the essence of who you are that's slipping away. The silence becomes a barrier, separating the lives that once intertwined so effortlessly. Physical touch, once a language of its own, now feels like a foreign dialect. When he starts avoiding closeness, it's a sign that the emotional distance is manifesting physically. It's not just about the absence of touch but the withdrawal from the comfort and connection it represents. Each unreciprocated embrace becomes a stark reminder of the gap that's widening between you. You're left yearning for the warmth and reassurance that physicality once provided. The bed becomes a chilly expanse, the space between you a testament to the emotional estrangement. It's not just the absence of passion that hurts, but the loss of the intimacy that once held you together. Avoidance here is not just about the body but about the heart pulling away.
Yahoo
14-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Psychologist Warns 3 Subtle Signs Your Relationship May Be Over
Psychologist Warns 3 Subtle Signs Your Relationship May Be Over originally appeared on Parade. A 2025 study of more than 10,000 people uncovered an interesting trend in relationships — a pattern researchers call 'terminal decline.' The findings revealed that relationship dissatisfaction doesn't appear out of nowhere, rather, it builds over time. According to the study, many couples experience a subtle drop in satisfaction years before a breakup. This phase is often followed by a steeper decline just months before the actual split. Even with a clear pattern, many people don't recognize the signs until it's too late. Psychologists have long cautioned against ignoring the subtle signals of a relationship in decline. In a recent article for Forbes, American psychologist Mark Travers outlined three signs that, according to him, may indicate your relationship is already in the pre-breakup stage. 🎬SIGN UP for Parade's Daily newsletter to get the latest pop culture news & celebrity interviews delivered right to your inbox🎬 1. "You Feel Relieved When You Imagine Life Without Them" 'Fantasies of freedom often show up before a breakup, not because you want to hurt them, but because you want to feel like yourself again,' Travers wrote on June 11. He explained that emotional disconnection often comes in gradually. You may find yourself pulling back from meaningful conversations or fixing conflicts — not because you don't care, but because you 'no longer have the energy to keep trying.' 2. "You're Constantly Exhausted, But Can't Explain Why" If you find yourself making excuses or replaying missed opportunities to speak up, it could be a sign of deeper emotional fatigue. As Travers said, 'the emotional labor has started to outweigh the connection you're trying so hard to maintain.' He cited a 2023 study in Family Relations that examined dual-earner couples and found that uneven emotional labor was a major source of stress. Travers suggests that if your body feels drained while your mind insists things are fine, that disconnect might be telling you something important. 3. "You Keep Wondering If You Should Leave" Finally, Travers pointed out that people on the brink of a breakup often begin questioning why they're still in the relationship. 'You start feeling like you're the only one in the relationship who keeps trying, feeling a little lonelier each day,' he wrote. In support of this, Travers referenced a 2024 study published in Emotion, where researchers found that people conflicted about their partners often experienced 'mental whiplash.' 'For the participants in the study, this ambivalence gave rise to far more than just confusion. It shaped their daily behaviors in subtle but significant ways, from overthinking to emotional withdrawal,' he added. While every relationship has ups and downs, Travers emphasizes that prolonged patterns of burnout may signal more than just a rough patch. Recognizing these signs early could help people reflect more on their emotional needs and take action before it's too late. Psychologist Warns 3 Subtle Signs Your Relationship May Be Over first appeared on Parade on Jun 14, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 14, 2025, where it first appeared.
Forbes
07-06-2025
- General
- Forbes
3 Beliefs That Make You Vulnerable To Psychological Control — By A Psychologist
Some of the most enduring forms of manipulation don't rely on force. They take root quietly, through beliefs we never learned to question. These beliefs often form early, shaped by family dynamics, cultural expectations or past relationships that were either deeply disappointing or subtly dysfunctional. Over time, they harden into internal rules that feel like truth. Left unexamined, they become cracks in our psychological foundation, the very entry points where control and coercion can slip in. Many people who seek therapy aren't struggling because they lack insight. Often, they do sense that something feels off in their relationships. Perhaps a sense of vague discomfort or a gut instinct but find themselves stuck in patterns of over-accommodation, self-doubt or emotional disconnection. And beneath that stuckness is usually a belief system quietly working against them. Here are three such beliefs that can make you more vulnerable to psychological control — and what you can begin to believe instead, if you want to reclaim your autonomy. This belief turns boundaries into threats rather than tools for connection. It convinces you that asserting your needs will push people away. So, you trade honesty for harmony and authenticity for approval. You say yes when you mean no, tolerate discomfort silently, and in the process, shrink yourself to keep the peace. Manipulative or self-serving individuals often catch on to this quickly. They rely on your fear of abandonment to maintain control. When you attempt to assert yourself, they may respond with: These aren't random reactions. They function as a way of conditioning. You speak up and you're punished. Stay silent and things stay 'peaceful.' A 2014 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology helps understand why those with high attachment anxiety may struggle to set boundaries. In the face of conflict or criticism, they often express heightened emotional hurt to induce guilt in their partners. While this may momentarily preserve closeness and provide reassurance, it gradually erodes mutual well-being. Over time, their partners experience reduced relationship satisfaction — reinforcing a painful pattern: intimacy is preserved, but at the expense of authenticity. As this dynamic repeats, you start to associate losing yourself with keeping others. The relationship begins to feel more like captivity than connection. Often, this pattern takes root in childhood. If love or safety depended on compliance, or if expressing your needs led to conflict or rejection, you likely learned to suppress your truth to stay connected. However, as adaptive as this may have been in the past, in adulthood it translates to self-erasure. To outgrow this pattern: Remember, healthy relationships can handle your 'no.' In fact, they require it. If someone leaves when you assert yourself, they were never truly invested in your well-being. This belief often disguises itself as 'kindness.' Being the one who understands, helps and heals others can feel noble, even admirable. But when care becomes compulsion, and when support turns into self-sacrifice, the relationship begins to lose balance. You're no longer a partner, because now you are the fixer, the emotional buffer, the one who holds it all together for yourself and others. A 2013 study on unmitigated communion (UC) sheds light on this dynamic. Unmitigated Communion refers to the tendency to care for others at the expense of your own well-being. It's especially problematic when driven by self-oriented motives, such as the need to feel valued, needed or secure. The study found that people high on this tendency often tie their self-worth to how much they can do for others. The research shows that this dynamic is linked with shame, low self-esteem and anxious attachment — all of which keep you in overdrive while giving others room to take you for granted. Manipulative or emotionally immature individuals end up exploiting this belief with ease. They may offload their emotional pain to secure your attention and get you to invest your emotional labor, making their crisis your responsibility. And when change doesn't happen, or the emotional load gets heavier, you blame yourself — for not helping 'well enough' or working 'hard enough.' Often, this script begins in childhood. If you had to soothe a parent's mood, manage their distress or serve as the emotional adult in the room, you may have learned to equate being loved with being useful. And in adulthood, you unconsciously seek out people who allow you to stay in that role, even if it chips away at your sense of self. But support doesn't require self-abandonment. Love doesn't need to look like labor. The shift begins when you stop confusing care with responsibility. You're allowed to care about someone without carrying them. Support and responsibility are not the same thing. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself in difficult moments: Prioritizing yourself doesn't make you cold or indifferent. It makes you emotionally mature. You can still be compassionate without abandoning yourself in the process. True support honors both people. It says, 'I believe in your capacity to grow, and I trust myself enough not to carry what isn't mine.' On the surface, this belief sounds virtuous. Kindness is, after all, a deeply valued trait in most cultures and families. But kindness without discernment often turns into passivity. You may find yourself over-apologizing, avoiding conflict, downplaying mistreatment or saying yes when you desperately want to say no, all to avoid being seen as rude, selfish or difficult. This constant performance of goodness isn't always about caring for others. Often, it's about earning approval or avoiding rejection. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that when people are kind to be liked, rather than from genuine care, they're more likely to experience anxiety, shame, depression and chronic stress. In such cases, kindness becomes a form of appeasement. Manipulative individuals quickly pick up on this tendency. They sense that you're more invested in being perceived as kind than in protecting yourself which makes it easier for them to exploit it. Your silence, patience and reluctance to set boundaries become the very tools they use to push past them. Over time, you begin to equate 'being kind' with 'being quiet.' You swallow your instincts, suppress your anger and confuse peacekeeping with inner peace. This pattern often begins in childhood environments where emotional expression is discouraged or punished. You might have been praised for being 'a good girl,' 'a nice boy' or 'so easy to raise' as long as you didn't cause a fuss. If asserting yourself led to criticism, you likely learned to equate safety with agreeability. Cultural or gendered conditioning can further reinforce this. In many societies, kindness, particularly for women and girls, is conflated with compliance. Over time, it stops being a value and becomes a survival mechanism. To outgrow this belief, you must learn to say no without guilt, disagree without hostility and walk away without apology when your boundaries are violated. Here are a few ways to reframe kindness: Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is say 'no' to protect your dignity. Boundaries, directness and even distance can be acts of deep kindness, especially when they help restore balance in a dynamic that's become one-sided or unsafe. Because the moment you choose self-respect over self-sacrifice, the grip of control weakens and you begin to live a life on your own terms. The way out of psychological control isn't aggression — it's clarity. It's noticing the beliefs that quietly govern your behavior and asking: 'Is this true? Is this mine?' Do you often experience a lack of control in your relationship? Take the science-backed Relationship Control Scale to find out.
