Latest news with #emptynest
Yahoo
6 days ago
- Health
- Yahoo
Empty Nest Stress?
Let's face facts. For the many moms who raise kids while working full-time, there are not enough hours in the day to think. As kids reach their teens, they still need your attention and time, for navigating sports tournaments, college applications, dentist and doctor appointments. Life flies by, then BAM! suddenly, they're gone, and your social schedule, your busy lifestyle, is gone too. Whoa… Is this the empty nest? More from Flow Space The Surprising Ways Your Brain Changes (Good and Bad!) When Your Kids Leave Home 'It is a milestone, a life transition that represents a significant change, ' says Arthur Kovacs, PhD, a psychologist who puts 'empty nest syndrome' into context with his description. 'It's a new type of stress. The stress of change or transition stress.' Even when it is expected, the change can feel like you're lost or getting left behind. 'Oftentimes, when children leave the home it forces you to consider what the next phase of your life will be,' explains psychologist Scyatta Wallace, PhD. 'That unknown can cause anxiety,' Contributing factors may be complex and intertwined. 'A constellation of things happen at the same time. As your child may be leaving home, you're also trying to figure out, do I need all this space?' says psychiatrist Dr. Gaby Cora. 'We moved here for good schools. Do I need to stay? Do I really want to stay at this job?' Like a Death in the Family Empty nest syndrome, and intensely missing your kids when they leave home, is not unlike grief, according to Cora. The adjustment is similar to a grieving period. Kovacs concurs. 'It's very much like a death, because it is a death of the family that once was,' he says. 'That family is being totally disordered, reorganized. I would guess the mourning period, the feeling of loss, separation, disruption, is going to last for a year or two.' Research actually backs up the idea that the adjustment process lasts for about two years. In a study published in July 2024 in the Journal of Education and Health Promotion, researchers concluded that empty nest syndrome is 'a subjective phenomenon' that takes about two years 'from crisis to self-regaining.' Gulp. That's a long time! How to Make Peace With the Life Change Change is always stressful, and we need to make peace with it, says Kovacs. The process simply moves slowly. Stressing out while your partner stays cool? It is not your imagination, and you're not alone. 'It is normal to worry,' reassures Dr. Cora. But trying to refocus your life on things that are important to you is a good way of moving forward. Who and What Is Changing? The empty nest is not just about a kid moving house. In mixed sex couples, when both people are involved parents who experience an extreme discomfort of change, men may not talk about it. 'Traditionally, women may be more vocal and open and expressive in communicating our life's changes,' says Cora. In other words, a dad on the verge of an empty nest probably won't tell his bank teller, or barista, or anyone, about his kid who is about to leave for college. But that doesn't mean that men aren't emotionally touched. They might not demonstrate their fears and insecurity, but suddenly snap over the hassle of moving a kid into a dorm or news about tuition increases. Women may be more in tune to the shifts from a predictable, over-scheduled life to one that generates slightly less pressure, yet seems to have less purpose, more sadness, and even some fear. What's more, for many women, launching adult children coincides with another big transition- perimenopause–the years-long shift to menopause, when hormonal chaos on your insides mirrors the disorder and confusion in your family life. Sleep interruptions, irritability and neverending PMS compounds with stress so intensely that it can lead to emotional mood swings, fatigue and even depression. The official end of fertility may make a mother's perceived loss of identity sting a bit more. Men find going through the transition easier, says Kovacs. 'No matter how much culture changes, it's still perceived that the mother is probably the one who is closest to the child, and the father is in an auxiliary role.' What's Next? Kovacs adds that it's important that the woman empty nester makes sure that she rebuilds the structure of her life, that she has some things to do that have meaning for her, and that she has some people who will provide warmth and caring. He suggests leaning on friendships at work or looking for additional friends to bring into her circle so that she can buffer herself from loneliness and dysfunctional separation from the child. Letting go is not easy. It can be especially difficult for parents of children with health issues, developmental or learning difficulties, as they often play a big role arranging and advocating for their medical care. If you have been overwhelmed doing just one thing, it may be hard to just switch gears. Being consumed is part of the hyperfocus of caregiving, Cora notes. A person taking care of an elderly parent or one who lives in a caregiver role for an extended period needs to have a narrow focus, and that makes it really hard to pivot. Take some deep breaths, advises Cora. Try to find what is important to you, and the life that you want to live. If you have a partner, it's going to be on you and your partner to figure out how to move forward together in a healthy way. Write Your Own Script Make a list of the things that you love to do, then categorize it by activities you do alone or for yourself versus everything that is meant to benefit other people. You might go back to playing piano, gardening, take some art classes, start a band, a book or film club, or a writing group. 'Start with the things that are dear to your heart, that you love and enjoy doing, ' says Cora. The ideal activities will depend on the person, often something they have enjoyed in the past – but often felt they didn't have time for. A therapist or counselor may make it easier to get through the transition in a healthy way for some. Worried? Talk about it. Know that for many women, the empty nest represents a relief from caregiving burdens, an opportunity to socialize more and participate in once-loved activities. While there is not much research about the transition, mental health improvement has been seen in women who increase their participation in social activities after the kids are gone. A study published in November 2024 in Psychological Communications showed that some parents benefit significantly from the relief in strain related to the parenting duties. A Window of Opportunity Ready to take up dancing or tennis again – or maybe try pickle ball? The empty nest is an opportunity to move your body more. While research suggests that the birth of a child–the start of parenthood–coincides with a decline in physical activity and self care for most folks, launching adult children may do the opposite: reduce obstacles to regular exercise by reducing responsibilities and enable more physical exercise. What's more, suggest the authors of a small feasibility study published in June 2023 in the Journal of Aging and Physical Activity, the transition may lead to a reassessment of meaning in life and a reframing of identity. Which could be huge. No wonder we're anxious! Reinvention Anyone? Turns out, transitions like emptying the nest often move people 'into different settings with new opportunities and constraints, roles, and relationships,' say researchers. Translation: this big change can be a big chance to kickstart healthy new habits and even see yourself in a new light. In theory, sustaining regular exercise is much easier when you experience changes in habits and routines and how you think about yourself. Get ready to get moving! Carpe Diem, mama! Solve the daily Crossword
Times
08-08-2025
- Lifestyle
- Times
Hang on, when did I become a milf?
When my marriage disbanded last October, and I knew I didn't want to rush into anything serious but I quite wanted to see what was 'out there', a friend recommended I get on Feeld. This is the ostensibly fun dating app where anything goes, and most people are looking for short-term 'interactions' rather than long-term relationships. Feeling like a deer in the headlights, I finally, tentatively signed up this year. By Feeld standards my wants and needs were reserved. Other users say they're into multi-partner interactions, BDSM, shibali (ropes) or simply 'watching'. I, meanwhile, said I loved good food, nice hotels, and was up for lunch dates to see if there was a spark. Unlike many others on the app (I later discovered), I was upfront and honest about my age, separation and co-parenting situation. 'That will sort the wheat from the chaff,' I thought, anticipating that declaring that I had three children — and the 47-year-old body that carried them — would put men off me, like a natural filter, so I'd only be left with a select few likes. • Help! I've got part-time empty nest syndrome How wrong I was. A week after posting my profile, I had over 1,000 likes from men. Some 25 per cent were older than me, ranging up to mid-seventies, but what surprised me — dumbfounded me, even — was that 75 per cent were younger than me. In fact 25 per cent of them were under 30; young enough, feasibly, to be my son. When I saw an 18-year-old blond boy who liked my profile and lived two miles away, my first thought was, 'But I might know your parents!' At first I thought that all these boys/men had clicked on me by accident, or that they hadn't read the 'mother of 3' part of my profile properly. However, as the next week progressed, my app continued to fill up with new likes from very young men. What was strange was they were all good-looking, gym-honed, interesting, often creative and well travelled. They didn't look desperate. • Why is everyone swinging — except me? Gulp … does that mean I'm a milf? Having three children, life is busy, so my hair regularly goes unwashed, my legs are only shaved on special occasions, and I often wear the same clothes a few days in a row. I go to bed at 9pm and love nothing more than a good book in the bath, so it's not something I'd ever had cause to consider. I'd always found the phrase repellent but when, at a dinner party a couple of years ago, a drunk dad-friend whispered over the table, 'Don't worry, you're a milf,' after I admitted the youngish waiter was attractive, I understood it as a compliment. At least he was my own age. Seeing all these 18-30s liking my profile was even more flattering. But in all honestly, it brought out a nurturing instinct rather than an erotic one. I felt more inclined to make them dinner and watch Stranger Things together than get naked with them. In the interests of research, I messaged a couple of the boys/men as I was intrigued to find out why they'd liked my profile, but pretty soon each referred to my age. One said: 'I fancy older women, like you.' Another explained: 'Milfs are more confident, it's hot!' Then he asked: 'Are your kids my age?' Cue me inwardly cringing and politely saying goodbye while feeling sorry that these Gen-Z daters aren't out in bars making eye contact with women their own age like we used to do in the Nineties, when most of them weren't even born. • My first date after the split — oh dear, I got 'friendzoned' Also, didn't they know there is nothing that's going to make a woman run away faster than being told she's an 'older woman'? It reminded me of the midwives at the hospital who kept telling me I was a 'geriatric mother' at the birth of my second child when I was 35 (let alone my third, four years later). Since this experience, my thoughts on milfdom have changed. I've had a spring in my step from the attention, but it's not a kink I'm keen to explore. There's something appealing about having a conversation with someone my own age-ish. I'm not sure I even want to date someone in their thirties, as I enjoy banter with people who get the same cultural references, whose body is a similar vintage, and who don't view me as older by default. Now I've set the Feeld filter to only see likes from men between 40 and 57. It's an arbitrary, non-scientific age pool, but I'm interested to see what those conversations bring. At least they won't need to ask me if they are older than my kids. Follow Molly's must-read dispatches on love, life and parenting after separation online, every fortnight
