Latest news with #familydynamics
Times
5 hours ago
- General
- Times
Dear Julia: I'm scared my siblings will lose our close bond over inheritance
Q. My siblings and I were always close, but since our parents started dividing assets and discussing inheritance, tensions have skyrocketed. I never thought we were this kind of family, and I'm scared we'll lose our bond. A. I am sorry you're going through this. Inheritance has a way of exposing fault lines even in the closest of families. This isn't just about money — it's about love, fairness, power and belonging. When these core needs feel threatened, emotions run high, close family members become foes and long-buried tensions can surface. What you're describing is extremely common, yet it's an area with surprisingly little psychological research or widely accepted guidance. In this intense and fraught topic, psychotherapy has been lax in offering helpful support. I want to help normalise the difficulties you face. Every family, regardless of wealth, will face these questions. There can be battles over money that shatter families and equally painful disputes about sentimental objects — a floral jug, a photograph album. I've known families who did not speak for decades because of a dispute about an old armchair. Your parents are responsible for holding the family together while they lead this discussion and share their assets. Perhaps they have not thought about it deeply and naively believe it will be straightforward. It is never straightforward unless it is dealt with sensitively. Your parents need to consider their legacy — what they want to be remembered for, what values they hope to pass down — as well as their 'stuff'. Ideally, their decisions should align with what matters most to you all, rather than inadvertently create division. Money is never just money. It often serves as a proxy for deeper, unspoken dynamics: • Love: Am I loved? Who is the favourite? • Power: Who gets to decide?• Control: Is money being used as manipulation?• Security: Will I survive without the money I believe is my right? • Legacy: Who will be loyal to my legacy? Will my legacy be what is remembered more than me? When these questions remain unspoken, resentment or fear can grow. Each family member may tell themselves a story that fits their feelings, ignoring other family members. Old childhood roles re-emerge — was one of you always the 'responsible one' and another the 'bad' sibling? These deeply ingrained narratives shape how you perceive what is 'fair' and who believes they have a right to make the decisions. Reflecting on how your family has historically related to money is essential. Was it openly discussed or shrouded in secrecy? Did previous generations experience financial scarcity, creating a mindset of precarity? Understanding these patterns won't provide instant solutions, but it will help you to see the context within which your beliefs have formed — it can help you to resist being pulled into knee-jerk reactions. Families tend to approach inheritance in one of four ways Equality: Assets are divided equally to preserve family unity. Reciprocity: Distribution is based on past contributions or needs. Egoism: Decisions are made with individual self-interest in mind, with little regard for family cohesion. Tradition: Rules have been passed down from the past, like primogeniture, where the cohesion of the estate overrides individual family members. There are no clear answers to this, but I suggest as a family, you think about these ideas: 1. Pause ongoing plans — talk together. Ask your parents and siblings to delay major decisions and invite open discussion. Transparency is crucial, as secrecy or sudden surprises tend to escalate conflict. It helps if parents can share their reasons and allow space for their children's perspectives to be heard. 2. Commit to honest conversations — this is easier said than done. These discussions aren't just about 'who gets what' but about what feels just and emotionally fair. The key is to ensure that no topic or feeling is off-limits — when people feel heard, it reduces the toxicity of underlying tensions. Be patient; this process takes time. 3. Agree on shared values — what does your family stand for? Do you prioritise fairness, tradition, or security? If you can align on your core values, they can act as a guiding principle for decisions. 4. Accept conflict but prioritise repair — disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them will determine whether your relationships survive intact. Acknowledge when something feels unfair, name your feelings without blame, and work towards repair rather than retreat into silent resentment, or replay old fights. Be mindful of past family patterns — the roles that each act out. 5. Imagine your future — picture where you want your family to be in five or ten years. What does a 'good outcome' look like — not just financially, but emotionally? If the ultimate goal is to maintain close sibling bonds, then protect and prioritise those relationships over the assets. 6. Seek professional advice — inheritance disputes are rarely just financial; they are deeply psychological. A mediator or family therapist can help to navigate difficult conversations alongside financial advisers who can provide practical guidance. You may not want to spend the money on this now, but any money spent now will save you financially and psychologically . 7. Discuss the chattels — many fiercest battles are over objects with emotional value. If your parents are willing, discuss these now, while they can help to facilitate fairness. Some families take turns choosing items, while others use written agreements to avoid future disputes. • Read more advice from Julia Samuel on The Times These conversations will challenge you all, but they are also an opportunity. I've seen families torn apart over wealth, but I've also seen families who come through this process more robust as a unit, with a deeper love for one another. I believe that family bonds — being there for each other in times of crisis, celebration and day-to-day —are more protective than financial wealth. If you're lucky enough to inherit financial security, let it strengthen your relationships, not break them. I hope this helps, and I wish you and your family the best to find a resolution that works for everyone.
The Guardian
a day ago
- General
- The Guardian
As the first born, am I the smartest? Maybe – but siblings shape us in far more interesting ways
A new book about sibling relationships, The Family Dynamic by Susan Dominus, examines how things like birth order and the specific achievements of your siblings affect a person's life trajectory. As such, some of my favourite research is back in the public eye: the studies that suggest that I, as the eldest of three children, am the cleverest. I'm kidding. I don't actually think this is true in my own sibling group, but sure, I'll take it, and say so in the national press: I'm smarter than you guys, science confirms. I am very interested in siblings and their influences, though. So much so that I wrote my first novel about a brother-sister relationship. Siblings shape you in ways that are less deliberate than parents, which means their influence is less discussed, though just as important. That said, birth order has remained a public fascination, with parents agonising over whether a middle child is overlooked or eldest is overburdened. I definitely have classic 'eldest daughter syndrome': the tendency for the oldest girl in a family to take on roles of responsibility. Planning of family matters has generally fallen to me in the past, and I remain a planner. I like control to the freakish degree that I eat the same breakfast and lunch every single weekday and run my to-do list with the iron fist of a navy Seal commander. Still, I have often thought that some of the well-worn sibling birth order archetypes – the type-A eldest daughter, the laid-back middle sibling, the rebellious youngest child – must be too simple. They sat in my mind alongside things like star signs: fun but ultimately baseless ways to parse the eternal puzzle of why people are the way that they are. But it seems, as Dominus found, that the studies do bear this stuff out. Eldest children apparently outstrip their younger counterparts in cognitive tests by as early as their first birthday, probably due to the increased parental attention they receive during the however-brief period they are an only child. And sibling influence can be incredibly powerful. Dominus interviews families in which each child went on to achieve success in very different fields, and were spurred to do so specifically by what their siblings were doing. My brother was a quiet little boy, either naturally or because I did all his talking for him. We were very close as children – I would get my hair cut short like his, and enjoyed it if people mistook us for twins. But we grew into quite different people, and that is probably no accident. For instance, he went on to pursue Stem subjects, and I pursued the humanities: the boy whose sister spoke for him went for numbers and concepts, and I went for words. Age gaps between siblings can also complicate the effect of birth order. My sister is nearly 10 years younger than me, whereas my brother is only 18 months my junior. She told me: 'I feel like being the youngest, with two siblings quite a bit older than me, meant that I sculpted my perception of what is 'cool' on a pretty much even mix of your respective interests.' She's very into music (my brother) and also video games (me). I think she's also more emotionally robust than I am. We both wonder whether this is partly the result of getting a front-row seat to all of mine and our brother's chaotic decisions and teenage crises, and being able to take notes. By now, my siblings and I are, roughly, who we're going to be. We're all adults. Perhaps it is less that we are now honing ourselves consciously or subconsciously to resemble or differ from one another, but that we act as vivid mirrors for each other to really see ourselves in. Sometimes, in the company of my brother and sister, I have an ambient sense of something similar to not liking myself very much. Partly, it's that near-universal experience of regression in the family home: we start to occupy childish roles to befit the dynamics first built in childhood. But it's also that these are people who have seen every side of me. And they have not been afraid to challenge my less lovable attributes. That feeling of not liking myself is maybe more accurately a feeling of being truly, wholly known for my best and worst traits. My irritability, my belief that I know better than others, my melodrama. I see their flaws too, and they know that I see them. Not unexpectedly, some of these flaws are shared. I asked my brother about this, and he said: 'Seeing characteristics of yourself in people you love is quite helpful. Like, oh maybe I'm not that bad: I don't hate them for the way they are, but the opposite.' And for all that we bicker, it's a beautiful thing to be loved by people who, unlike your parents, are not hard-wired to love you unconditionally, but who know you just as well as your parents do, and for almost as long. Imogen West-Knights is a writer and journalist
Washington Post
a day ago
- General
- Washington Post
Asking Eric: Spouse wants to reconcile with husband's estranged sister
Dear Eric: My husband has a rocky past with his family. He is close with one sister and doesn't enjoy being with the other ('Lisa'), especially since she started dating (now married) a guy that is very awkward and makes our family get-togethers much less fun. Additionally, their mother 'Betsy' has been cut out of our lives, but not Lisa's. Betsy was physically and emotionally abusive to my husband's family growing up.
Yahoo
a day ago
- General
- Yahoo
Mom Says Her Husband Is Refusing to Let Their Son Go to a Friend's House to Avoid Their Daughter Becoming ‘Upset'
A mother has accused her husband of behaving unfairly toward their son to avoid upsetting their daughter She said in a post on Mumsnet that her daughter gets "upset" when her son gets to visit a friend while she has to stay at home Responses to the post argued that the parents shouldn't be expecting the children to keep each other entertained all dayA mother is stunned by her husband's latest parenting decision. Sharing the situation in a post on the U.K.-based forum Mumsnet, the mom explained that they have an 8-year-old and a 9-year-old, who her husband looks after during school breaks as he works from home three days a week. She said her son is often invited to a friend's house once or twice 'for a play date' during school holidays. However, her husband is refusing to let him go this time because their daughter 'starts whining that she's bored and wants to go to her friends for a play date.' 'Occasionally, that's feasible, but sometimes it isn't, and if it isn't, she will become upset,' the mom said of her daughter. 'DH [dear husband] has said it's too disruptive for his work and doesn't want to deal with it.' is now available in the Apple App Store! Download it now for the most binge-worthy celeb content, exclusive video clips, astrology updates and more! Curious to hear other people's opinions, the mom asked, 'AIBU [am I being unreasonable] to think this is massively unfair on DS [dear son]. The comments section of the post was flooded with people arguing it's unfair to expect her husband to watch both children while working and accusing the parents of expecting the 9-year-old to keep the 8-year-old entertained. 'I think what's unreasonable is your husband doing childcare instead of working,' one person said. 'Does his work know? It's people like your husband that will get the rest of us 'actual workers' dragged back into the office. Get proper childcare sorted out.' 'There is no way he should be caring for 2 dcs [dear children] while working,' another chimed in. 'It's a recipe for disaster. It sounds like he is relying on the 9yo to watch & entertain the 8yo. Can you organize a babysitter for that day?' 'I do think 8/9 is a bit young to be fully fending for themselves while dad works,' a third commented. 'Best to focus on actual childcare; book some holiday clubs, a bit of annual leave from each of you, and it won't seem so stressful.' Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Among the stream of commenters complaining that her husband shouldn't be multitasking work with childcare were also people arguing that their son should be allowed to go to the play date, while their daughter needs to accept she won't always get her way. The PEOPLE Puzzler crossword is here! How quickly can you solve it? Play now! 'Ah of course, a 9-year-old and an 8-year-old need constant entertainment and input from an adult and anything else is neglect... 🙄' one person said. 'OP [original poster], I think your daughter's whining is what needs addressing. It's not always possible to make everything perfectly fair for both kids, and she's not too young to understand that.' Read the original article on People
Yahoo
a day ago
- General
- Yahoo
Woman Tells Boyfriend His Mom Can't Come to Her Birthday Dinner. His Response Ends Their Relationship
A Reddit user was stunned when her boyfriend asked if he could bring his mom to her birthday dinner hours before the big event The poster declined, resulting in a poor reaction from both her boyfriend and his mom After asking for advice from Reddit, she decided to end the relationshipShould I have to let my boyfriend's mom come to my birthday dinner? That was the question posed by a Reddit user in need of advice. The 20-something-year-old woman explained that she was planning to celebrate her birthday at a rooftop restaurant with her friends and her boyfriend, whom she'd been with for over two years at the time of the post. Two hours before the dinner, her boyfriend texted her, 'Hey, my mom's coming with me, cool?' The woman noted she didn't even know her boyfriend's mom was in town. While the poster didn't have any major issues with his mom, she explained that she 'calls him multiple times a day, shows up unannounced, and makes comments about how no woman will ever take care of him like she does.' The user texted her boyfriend back saying, 'I'd prefer if it was just us tonight, babe. This is something I planned with people I'm close to.' The boyfriend responded by saying, 'Wow, seriously? It's just dinner. She wanted to come support you.' Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. The user held firm and wouldn't let her boyfriend's mom come, resulting in him skipping the celebration altogether. Meanwhile, his mom posted passive-aggressive things online like 'Some people don't know how to appreciate others who genuinely care for them' and 'God don't like ugly.' Many Redditors sided with the poster, agreeing that she made the right call and should reevaluate the relationship she had with her boyfriend, noting that it feels like he's putting his mom above her. 'If he can't go to a birthday dinner without dragging his mom along like an emotional chaperone, he's not ready for an adult relationship. OP made the right call, she needs a partner, not someone who needs mommy's approval to function. Time to level up to a man, not a man-child,' wrote one user. Another added, 'Just run, this is never going to get better.' In an update, the poster added that after reading the advice of commenters, she "decided to break up with him." "I called him and let him know that things aren't going to work out," she wrote. "He cried, and I felt sad, but I had to let him go.' To which one person replied, 'Good update. He's already in a primary relationship and it isn't with you.' Read the original article on People
