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Times
22-07-2025
- General
- Times
Sulking, screaming, fights: welcome to the summer holiday warzone
I have a friend who comedically handles his kids' squabbles with each other like this: minor disputes — 'he got a better bowl', 'she held the remote yesterday' — are referred to the small claims court, which means 'sort it out yourselves'. Slightly more serious stuff, not critical but big enough to descend into familiar, patience-stretching arguing — 'she won't leave my bedroom', 'he has my toy' — goes to the Court of Appeal (him), and the big stuff — full-on shouting matches, maybe some shoving — are sent to the High Court (Mum). It feels like an innovative concept in the parenting toolkit that serves a valuable function, giving him a coping mechanism and the kids a quick indicator of resolution. But, as my own sons squabbled for the thousandth-or-more time about who sat on the favourite chair at breakfast — and no one heard my references to courts of the land — I wondered how else we can deal with the relentlessness of sibling arguments, big or small, and in the best way for them and for us. How and when are we really meant to intervene, and are there times when we should just leave them to battle it out? Am I helping if I referee every disagreement (as they often beg me to), or am I hindering their ability to resolve conflict later in life? Parenting specialist and family therapist Caroline Peeney says: 'Your children are not all clones, they're going to have different hopes, needs and wishes, so conflict is normal.' Peeney, a mum-of-three and author of The Parenting Toolkit: Simple Steps to Happy and Confident Children, adds: 'Being part of a sibling group can be incredibly helpful — they have to learn to resolve conflict because they live together.' She suggests four layers to managing disagreements. 'If it's a normal argument, like whose turn it is to load the dishwasher, children can enjoy honing their skills and coming to a victory, negotiating and knowing parents aren't going to get involved. These are the arguments where it might be loud but they're not screaming or hurting each other, they're just working something out.' This is level one and parents can choose to leave well alone. • How to talk to your children about siblings The next level is when it's growing out of control. 'That's when you acknowledge feelings,' says Peeney. 'Say we've got a problem, for example you both want to hold the pet but he can't sit on two laps. State it out loud and say 'you're both clever, can you sort it out?' 'If they're getting more cross, make suggestions that help, such as setting a timer [an inarguable referee] to split the time they each have with whatever they're fighting over.' Level three is teaching them negotiation skills. 'Have each child say what they feel and need to their sibling. One might say, 'I was enjoying playing with the Lego and really need to finish it.' The other might say, 'I really want to play with you and feel upset because you don't want to.' You then say, 'Do you think you can come up with a plan to both get your feelings and needs met?' It sounds tough with little ones but if you start from an early age they can get into this.' And if they're still screaming at each other? That's level four. 'It can get violent and horrible,' Peeney says. 'So, you say this is no good, you all need to go somewhere to calm down. It can be two minutes but it shows they still have the ability to feel in control.' It also offers kids and parents alike the chance to cool down from the cortisol dump now bubbling from an over-blown squabble, whatever it started over. 'Often it's not even worth returning to — it can be better to offer them a biscuit.' Learning not to jump in all the time is 'an art', Peeney reminds parents. 'Managing their arguments feels exhausting but it's important. These are templates for future relationships.' And contrary to that familiar, sometimes undying, refrain of 'it's not fair', the way we parent our children's arguments is not always about treating each child fairly but treating them 'uniquely'. Dr Emma Svanberg, clinical psychologist and author of Parenting for Humans, agrees. 'Disputes are a normal and necessary part of family life but can be so difficult — and tiring — to deal with.' So, when thinking about the fairest way to step in, she says: 'It's worth considering each child's development, how intense this particular conflict is and how they're relating to each other generally at that time. Development matters more than age because some children find emotional regulation and conflict more difficult than others, so might need a bit more support and scaffolding from you as a parent.' She recommends that parents make a quick assessment of whether anyone risks getting hurt, physically or psychologically. 'If not, then dealing with discord [themselves] is a really important part of developing relational skills — learning how to manage conflict, negotiate and repair.' Parents might need to show their children how this is done early on but over time they should be able to step back as the child employs well-honed skills. • Read more parenting advice, interviews, real-life stories and opinion here In fact, those wails of 'it's not fair' might actually require a different response altogether, says Svanberg. 'This is a time to take a breath and listen. Why doesn't it feel fair? Sometimes there's a clear reason — someone got a bigger slice of cake — but sometimes these complaints are asking more 'Do you see me? Am I important to you?'' Better than answering with logic, defensiveness or a quick fix solution can be to answer with curiosity. 'Ask 'What doesn't feel fair? Why is that important to you?' Maybe even, 'Yes I can see why that would feel unfair, how shall we handle that next time?' We can teach our children that equity can be more important than absolute parity, while listening open-heartedly to their expressions of injustice.' Svanberg also encourages parents to grant themselves grace when handling squabbles that don't pan out the way everyone would like — a kind way of acknowledging that sometimes this whole pursuit is a keen test of parents' patience. 'One of the hardest things for us as parents is the feeling that those things our children are so aggrieved about just don't feel important to us, which can make us feel pretty worn out. But the question behind this for our children is 'do you take my needs and concerns seriously?'' This is an important one, not to be minimised, but, says Svanberg: 'Bonus for us as parents is that taking their experience seriously rather than as yet another problem to solve can also make it into a connecting experience.' Finally, she offers a word of advice for the long summer holidays: 'Take space — as much as you can — for decompression for yourself. Family discord can bring up a lot for us — about our own experiences of being parented, how conflict was handled, differences between us and a co-parent, not to mention the sensory overload of bickering children alongside the stress of the summer holiday juggle. 'It's extremely hard to respond with patience and understanding when you're feeling frazzled. Take time for anything that will help keep you grounded — whether that's a morning run, walk in the sunshine or going outside and screaming at the sky. Do what works for you.'
Yahoo
21-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
14 Things Dysfunctional Families Normalize That Healthy Families Don't
Navigating family dynamics can be a complex journey, especially when you're trying to discern what's considered 'normal.' Every family has its quirks, but some behaviors and patterns are more damaging than others. Dysfunctional families often normalize things that can be confusing or even harmful, and it's not always easy to see when you're in the middle of it. This list will shed some light on these behaviors, helping you recognize what might be a red flag. Let's dive into 14 things dysfunctional families often see as normal, but healthier families would avoid. 1. Having Zero Boundaries In some families, personal boundaries are routinely ignored or dismissed, leading to a sense of intrusion. You might find that your privacy is not respected, with family members walking into rooms without knocking or reading your messages. This lack of boundaries can create an environment where you feel like you have no personal space. According to family therapist Dr. John Smith, boundary violations can lead to increased anxiety and a feeling of being constantly on alert. A healthy family, however, understands and respects each person's right to privacy and personal space, fostering trust and individuality. In contrast, healthy families teach the importance of setting and respecting personal boundaries. They encourage open conversations about what makes each person comfortable and work together to honor those needs. This respect for boundaries builds a foundation of trust where everyone feels secure and valued. It's not about putting up walls but about fostering a respectful environment. You might notice that in healthier family dynamics, members rarely, if ever, feel the need to tiptoe around each other emotionally or physically. 2. Emotionally Neglecting Each Other Emotional neglect can be a hidden issue in many dysfunctional families. It occurs when a family consistently fails to respond to your emotional needs, making you feel unseen or unheard. You might find it hard to talk about your feelings because you've been conditioned to believe that your emotions are unimportant. This can lead to internalized feelings of worthlessness or emotional suppression. In a healthier family environment, however, emotional awareness and expression are encouraged, teaching you that your feelings matter. Healthy families prioritize emotional support, providing a safe space to express emotions without fear of judgment. They are attentive to changes in mood and behavior, offering help and support when needed. This nurturing approach creates an atmosphere where each member feels valued and understood. Instead of dismissing emotions as inconvenient or burdensome, healthy families see them as integral parts of human interaction. This understanding and empathy help foster stronger, more supportive relationships. 3. Constantly Criticizing Everyone In dysfunctional families, you might notice that criticism is rampant and often harsh. This kind of environment can make you feel like you're never good enough, chipping away at your self-esteem over time. Constant criticism is often disguised as 'constructive feedback,' but it can become toxic when it's relentless and unkind. This can lead to long-term self-esteem issues and may contribute to anxiety and depression. In healthier family dynamics, feedback is given with empathy and support, aiming to encourage rather than belittle. Healthy families focus on positive reinforcement and constructive criticism that empowers rather than diminishes. They create an environment where mistakes are seen as opportunities for growth rather than occasions for ridicule. This supportive approach helps build confidence and resilience, encouraging members to learn and improve. Encouragement is a key factor, as it fosters a sense of self-worth and capability. In these families, the focus is on building each other up, not tearing each other down. 4. Avoiding Arguments Or Conflict Dysfunctional families often fall into the trap of avoiding conflict at all costs. You might find that issues are swept under the rug or ignored entirely, leading to a buildup of unresolved tension. This avoidance can make it difficult to address problems openly and can result in passive-aggressive behavior. Sweeping problems under the rug might seem like a way to maintain peace, but it often leads to more significant issues down the line. In a healthier family, conflict is addressed calmly and directly, allowing for resolution and understanding. In contrast, healthy families approach conflict as a natural part of life that can be resolved through communication. They encourage open discussions where everyone can express their thoughts and feelings without fear of retribution. This openness helps to resolve issues before they escalate, reducing long-term tension and fostering understanding. By addressing conflict head-on, these families learn to navigate disagreements productively. This proactive approach encourages a more open and honest relationship among family members. 5. Not Communicating A lack of communication is a hallmark of dysfunctional family dynamics. You might find that important conversations are avoided, and assumptions are made instead of clarifying misunderstandings. This lack of open dialogue can lead to feelings of isolation and confusion about what's expected of you. According to communication expert Dr. Emily Greene, clear and consistent communication is crucial for a healthy relationship, as it fosters trust and understanding. In healthier families, communication is open, honest, and ongoing, allowing everyone to feel heard and appreciated. Healthy families prioritize communication and make sure that everyone feels included in the conversation. They create an atmosphere where questions are welcomed, and misunderstandings are clarified without judgment. This transparency helps prevent miscommunication and fosters a sense of unity and support. By encouraging open dialogue, these families ensure that all members feel valued and understood. This strong foundation of communication strengthens relationships and builds trust over time. 6. Enabling Dysfunctional Behavior Dysfunctional families often enable negative or harmful behaviors without realizing the long-term consequences. You might see a pattern of excusing or ignoring behaviors that are damaging, such as substance abuse or manipulation. This enabling can create a cycle where issues are never truly addressed, perpetuating the dysfunction. It's often easier to turn a blind eye or make excuses than to confront the problem head-on. However, healthier families recognize the importance of addressing these behaviors directly and constructively. In a healthy family environment, negative behaviors are addressed openly and with the intent to find a solution. They establish clear boundaries and consequences, encouraging accountability and personal growth. This proactive approach helps break the cycle of enabling, fostering a more supportive and responsible family dynamic. By addressing issues head-on, these families work towards resolution and healing, rather than allowing problems to fester. This commitment to growth and improvement helps cultivate a healthier, more stable environment for everyone involved. 7. Putting The Blame On Others In dysfunctional families, there's often a tendency to assign blame whenever something goes wrong. This blame game creates a hostile environment where you might feel constantly on edge, worried about being accused. It's a defensive mechanism that shifts responsibility away from oneself and can lead to resentment and tension. According to family therapist Dr. Linda Johnson, constant blame can erode trust and weaken relationships over time. In healthy families, accountability and understanding take precedence over finger-pointing. Healthy families focus on finding solutions rather than placing blame. They approach mistakes as learning opportunities and encourage taking responsibility without shaming or blaming. This focus on accountability helps build trust and fosters a supportive environment where everyone feels valued. By promoting understanding and empathy, these families strengthen their relationships and work towards collective growth. The shift from blame to accountability leads to healthier dynamics and more constructive interactions. 8. Being Emotionally Manipulative Emotional manipulation is a subtle yet pervasive issue in many dysfunctional families. It can manifest in various ways, from guilt-tripping to gaslighting, leaving you feeling confused and powerless. This manipulation often stems from an imbalance of power and a need to control the family's emotional landscape. Over time, it can erode self-esteem and create a cycle of dependency and guilt. In contrast, healthier families prioritize honesty and transparency, fostering an environment where manipulation has no place. In a healthy family setting, emotional honesty and integrity are valued above manipulation. Family members strive to communicate openly, addressing issues directly rather than resorting to underhanded tactics. This transparency creates a stronger foundation of trust and mutual respect, promoting healthy interactions. By rejecting manipulation, these families encourage genuine connections and a sense of emotional safety. The result is a more supportive and nurturing environment where everyone can thrive. 9. Playing Favorites Favoritism is a common issue in dysfunctional families, leading to feelings of resentment and inadequacy. You might notice that one family member receives more attention or praise, creating a divide among siblings. This unequal treatment can breed jealousy and competition, damaging relationships and self-esteem. It's often an unintentional behavior, but the impact can be long-lasting and deeply hurtful. Healthier families strive to treat each member with equal love and attention, fostering a sense of fairness and unity. In a healthy family dynamic, effort is made to celebrate each person's unique strengths and achievements. They recognize the importance of treating everyone with fairness, avoiding comparisons that can lead to rivalry and resentment. This focus on equality helps build a supportive and cohesive family unit, where everyone feels valued. By acknowledging and appreciating individual differences, these families cultivate a sense of belonging and respect. This approach fosters healthier relationships and a stronger sense of family unity. 10. Not Showing Support In dysfunctional families, you might find that support is often lacking, leaving you feeling alone in times of need. This lack of support can manifest in neglecting to attend important events or failing to provide emotional or financial backing when necessary. It can create an environment where you feel undervalued and overlooked, impacting your self-worth and sense of belonging. In contrast, healthy families prioritize being there for one another, offering support in various forms. This support creates a strong foundation of trust and reliability that strengthens family bonds. Healthy families understand the importance of showing up for each other, both physically and emotionally. They make an effort to be present during significant moments, offering encouragement and assistance when needed. This sense of support fosters a nurturing environment where everyone feels safe and valued. By being reliable and dependable, these families build a network of trust and loyalty. This supportive dynamic encourages each member to pursue their goals and dreams, knowing they have a strong safety net. 11. Being Overly Controlling Dysfunctional families often struggle with issues of control, where one or more members exert excessive influence over others. This over-control can stifle individuality and lead to feelings of resentment and rebellion. You might feel like you're constantly being monitored or that your choices are being made for you, leaving little room for personal growth. In healthier families, there's a balance between guidance and autonomy, allowing each member to flourish. This balance fosters independence and self-confidence, promoting healthier relationships overall. Healthy families encourage autonomy while providing guidance and support when needed. They understand the importance of allowing each member to make their own decisions and learn from their experiences. This approach helps build confidence and a sense of personal responsibility, empowering everyone to grow and thrive. By respecting each person's individuality, these families create an environment where everyone feels valued and respected. This balance between support and freedom strengthens familial bonds and nurtures personal development. 12. Having Blurred Roles In dysfunctional families, roles and responsibilities can often become blurred, leading to confusion and stress. You might find yourself taking on responsibilities that don't belong to you, like acting as a parent to your siblings or managing household issues beyond your capacity. This can result in feelings of overwhelm and resentment, as the lines between family roles become increasingly unclear. In contrast, healthy families maintain clear and appropriate roles, ensuring everyone knows their responsibilities and has the support they need. This clarity helps create a more organized and harmonious family environment. Healthy families emphasize the importance of clear and defined roles, ensuring that responsibilities are distributed fairly and appropriately. They foster an environment where everyone understands their part and respects the boundaries of others. This structure helps prevent confusion and conflict, promoting a more efficient and supportive family dynamic. By maintaining clear roles, these families encourage cooperation and teamwork, creating a more balanced and harmonious environment. This clarity fosters a sense of stability and security, allowing everyone to thrive within their roles. 13. Not Resolving Trauma Dysfunctional families often struggle with unresolved trauma that affects their interactions and relationships. This trauma can manifest in various ways, such as emotional outbursts, avoidance behaviors, or unhealthy coping mechanisms. You might find that past issues are rarely discussed, leading to a cycle of repeated patterns and unresolved tension. In healthier families, there's a focus on healing and addressing past traumas to prevent them from dictating present behavior. This proactive approach fosters healing and growth, allowing for more positive and supportive relationships. Healthy families recognize the importance of acknowledging and addressing past traumas to move forward constructively. They prioritize open discussions and seek professional help when necessary to work through these issues. This commitment to healing helps prevent the past from overshadowing the present, promoting healthier interactions and relationships. By fostering an environment of understanding and support, these families create a space where healing and growth can occur. This focus on resolution and healing strengthens family bonds and encourages a more positive outlook. 14. Lack Of Fun Dysfunctional families may overlook the importance of having fun and enjoying each other's company. You might find that family gatherings are tense or filled with conflict rather than laughter and joy. This lack of fun can create a disconnect and make family interactions feel like a chore rather than a pleasure. In contrast, healthy families prioritize spending quality time together, creating opportunities for fun and bonding. This focus on enjoyment fosters positive relationships and a sense of belonging. Healthy families understand the value of shared experiences and prioritize activities that bring joy and connection. They make time for family outings, game nights, or simple shared meals, creating a space where everyone can relax and enjoy each other's company. This emphasis on fun helps strengthen family bonds and creates lasting memories. By cultivating a joyful and loving environment, these families encourage positive interactions and a sense of togetherness. This focus on enjoyment and connection enriches family dynamics and promotes overall happiness. Solve the daily Crossword
