3 days ago
Stride's vision of life: Thatcher, Branson and some gentle Tory porn
At an emergency meeting of the Militant Truss Army, held in a broom cupboard of the IEA, I broke the news about Mel Stride: 'Comrades, the shadow chancellor intends to denounce Lizonomics before the world press.'
There were two votes for calling a general strike; one for assassination. Liz, inaudible till she took off the balaclava, suggested we cut taxes. 'That's your answer to everything,' spat Count Dracula, 'and it's what got us in this situation in the first place!'
What situation? Out of power. As tragic to a Tory as being a fish out of water.
In the end, the Truss faction got lucky: few people watched Mel's speech, and the hacks that did focused on his words about Kemi. 'She will get better through time,' he said, as if she were 18 again and manning the fryer at McDonald's.
I always enjoy listening to the mellifluous Stride. Referencing the £120 million splashed on an HS2 bat shed, he said: 'It would've been better to have booked the bats into Claridge's and tucked them up in their little 'bat beds' with their 'bat butlers' to look after them.'
Gentle Tory humour from a clever man who eyes an opportunity to define the Conservative Party contra Reform.
Reform is populist: cut taxes, hand out goodies. The Tories seek to be popular but still recognisably conservative: balance the books, grow the private sector. For those who find Nigel a bit too much, or think his sums don't add up, you can instead have 'responsible radicalism' – a term Mel invented on the spot and offered less as a cri de coeur than a murmur of the heart.
Asked to sum up his vision of life, he went back to the entrepreneurial Eighties and messin' about in boats: 'Thatcher and Branson going up the Thames,' he said, eyes blazing, 'with the sunlight playing on the water like an endless stream of opportunity.'
Gentle Tory porn. Many Conservative MPs regard the good life as defined by money; their idol is Nigel Lawson. But most voters have no interest whatsoever in starting a business or storming the stock exchange: we want security, dignity, an easy job, long holidays and a loyal dog.
Farage is winning because he's left Thatcher behind, crossing to the shallower end of conservatism, where we tread water in rubber rings, not so much swimming as floating on welfare.
What's often forgotten about Liz's 2022 Budget is that it included a massive bung for home heating. Mel Stride, who surely does remember this, pledged: 'Never again will the Conservative Party undermine fiscal credibility by making promises we cannot afford!' So this is the pitch: Reform is too generous, we'll crack the whip.
Politics has abandoned 'thoughtfulness', complained the shadow chancellor; it must give time to 'the careful consideration of arguments in order to establish the truth'. It's a nice idea, but while Kemi is biding her own time – working on getting better – we're anticipating Reform will overlap the Tories in the Hamilton by-election. Nigel is emerging as the real opposition.
There was a crash: four figures in black descended from the skylight into the room, waving guns. 'This is an action by the Militant Truss Army,' cried a revolutionary in red heels, 'and we demand that you cut taxes!'
