03-08-2025
I Thought Parenthood Had Broken My Commitment to Thank-You Notes. Then I Discovered This Genius Solution.
This is One Thing, a column with tips on how to live.
It's time for me to come clean: For many years, I was a huge champion of thank-you notes. Once, asked for a piece of unsolicited advice in a radio interview, I encouraged everyone to write them. They're delightful to receive! They help you tap into your own gratitude! They make people feel appreciated, and make them like you more!
I still agree with all that, at least in the abstract. But parenthood has humbled me. In the daily triage of raising kids that involves deciding what won't get done during limited free time, finding a pen and stamps and sitting down to compose messages of gratitude is rarely going to happen.
The good news is that I've realized there's a better way, especially for baby shower gifts.
Parents-to-be, listen carefully as I tell you what you need to do with every item you receive at your baby shower, from onesies to baby bathtubs to books: Write the name of the person who gifted it on the actual item. Get creative when it comes to non-paper material. Permanent markers and little stickers help. Even just initials on a tag may be enough to jog your memory. (Maybe you can use a label maker or something, I don't know, but if you are a label-maker person you're probably organized enough to do the traditional cards.) The point is that you are going to need a quick reminder of who bought the thing.
Then, days or weeks or months down the line, whenever your child actually gets around to enjoying the gift, or getting use out of the gift, or looking adorable in the gift, text the gifter a photo with a few words right that minute about how wonderful the item is. They'll go crazy for it, perhaps even more so than they would have for the traditional paper note.
The key to this, I must underscore, is to mark the actual gift. No, a list on your phone won't do. If you're anything like me, if you pick up your device, you'll end up on TikTok before you know it, and next thing you know your kid will take an interest in your phone and you'll be having screen time together, with no gratitude expressed.
With the name clearly marked, you can just open the book, flip the item over, or take a peek at the tag, check the name, and send the photo. Instant joy. If you weren't able to make time to send thank-you notes, you've redeemed yourself. In fact, you've actually done something even better.
After all, what's cuter and brings more positive vibes: a note with a newborn photo you've already seen on social media with 'Thanks for your generous gift' scrawled on it by an exhausted parent, which you toss into the recycling along with the junk mail, or a picture of a cute little human wearing the baby bath towel you bought in a pack of three off the registry? I think the answer is clear.
Plus, it feels really good to send the message of gratitude at the moment when you are actually feeling grateful for the item. I know from experience. On the bookshelf in my home's playroom is a set of tiny, square, white baby books: My First Book of Fruits, My First Book of Birds, My First Book of Vegetables, My First Book of Birds. There's one in the set that I know is My First Vehicles, even though the title is heavily obscured on a cover that is peeling off and, frankly, filthy. To say it's been well-loved is an understatement. It was likely damaged in a stroller ride in the rain, or on a high-chair-tray encounter with spilled milk or blueberry residue. It may have even made it to the bathtub. Because for a long time, My First Book of Transport went everywhere with my car- and truck-obsessed son. And on many occasions, if my husband or I had a free hand, we snapped a picture or video of our toddler intently pointing at a dump truck or race car, or turning pages with sticky little fingers, and texted it to Uncle Emerson, the person who sent the set before he was born. To reach out and say 'Look who still loves the book' or 'Best gift ever' inspired legitimate happiness on both sides.
This technique works even for gifts that aren't quite as fun. I sent my colleague Dan a photo of my preschooler lying listless on one of the puppy pee pads he gifts to every new parent, explaining how helpful they were to catch unexpected incidents of norovirus vomiting. He wrote back something funny, and in that decidedly not-fun moment, this approach gave me a moment of encouragement and connection.
So when the baby gifts come in, you have permission and encouragement to skip the traditional cards. Get out your Sharpie and use this trick. Thank me later—with a photo, if you want!
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