3 days ago
The most common question I get asked about my 5 year sobriety
At 29, I've been sober for five and a half years.
What started as an optimistic New Year's Resolution in my 20s, to finally break free from my weekly binge drinking, became a defining decision in my life.
Since writing an article about my journey earlier this month, my inbox has been flooded with questions, many of which echo the ones I've come across before.
In a culture that normalises and even romanticises drinking, I get it. Before I quit, I myself had my own private judgments and doubts about those who chose to abstain.
So here, I list the most common questions I receive, along with my honest answers to them.
Why did you quit?
From the age of 14 to 24, I was caught in a relentless cycle of binge drinking most weekends.
Monday through Thursday, I was fine, but then came Friday to Sunday where I transformed into the classic party girl – the last to leave and always urging everyone for 'just one more'.
I thought, if you're going to have a drink, you might as well get drunk. Moderation wasn't something I had ever considered.
Drinking was my shortcut to confidence, my tool for fitting in anywhere. But beneath the wild night outs and hanxiety, it was unravelling me.
On Sundays, I would always try to piece together what I'd said, what I'd done, who I might have hurt. Reckless decisions piled up, and relationships were strained.
By 24 and at the end of 2019, I made the decision on a whim to quit cold turkey.
I was finally ready to learn who I was without the constant hum of alcohol and get rid of the cognitive dissonance between the person I was acting like and who I wanted to be.
Was it difficult?
If you read my first article (hi, hello, glad you're back), you'll know I categorised sobriety into three stages.
The first two stages were surprisingly straightforward. Stage one was full of novelty and excitement, trying all the non-alcoholic drinks and embracing my new lifestyle.
My motivation was strong, as my 'why' was front and centre.
Stage two, the maintenance phase, was also manageable as sobriety became woven into my everyday life.
I met my now-husband, built meaningful friendships and got my health and fitness in order.
But stage three, which I'm currently navigating (hopefully on the tail end now), has proven a little tougher.
Although I'm almost certain I won't drink again, a familiar inner voice has recently surfaced, tempting me with the lure of a 'good time'.
It's saying, 'You're different now, go on, have a drink'.
The novelty has worn off, and the Fade Effect Bias – the psychological tendency to soften the intensity of painful memories – has me seeing the past through rose-tinted glasses.
This stage requires constant self-negotiation. I remind myself that if drinking were truly enjoyable and manageable, I wouldn't have stopped in the first place.
I know that these doubts don't mean that I don't like my current sober life. I love it. However, our brains crave change.
And sharing these struggles recently, I realised that a lot of others in long-term sobriety have a similar internal dialogue.
The best advice I received was to ride it out and know these feelings aren't failures, but a normal part of the process.
What have you learnt?
To get the obvious benefits out of the way, your sleep, mood, relationships, and finances improve.
But here are some things that surprised me:
– You will become more in touch with your personal identity
– You'll have increased mental clarity and be able to better deal with whatever life throws at you
– You'll realise who your party friends are, versus your real friends
– You'll develop more self-respect
– You'll get genuine confidence, not alcohol-security-blanket confidence
– Quitting alcohol will create a ripple effect in other areas of your life as you realise you have more self-control than you thought (I also decided to stop drinking coffee three years ago).
– You feel less guilty when buying a new piece of clothing each week, since it still costs far less than what you'd spend on a single night out
– People will judge you, but often this is a projection of how they feel (a.k.a they might think your sobriety is a judgment on their habits, but it's not)
– You'll realise how widespread drinking culture is in our world. Once you're on the outside, you'll see it everywhere.
How do you socialise?
I socialise as much, if not more, than I used to, but now I actually enjoy it.
I made a point early on to try and shift my socialising to revolve around my hobbies and interests, and finding like-minded people who also enjoy hanging out sober, helped a lot.
I've started a Sydney hiking club with over 70 members, created a casual cafe book club for women in their 20s and 30s, and organised monthly ping pong tournaments with my neighbours in my building.
I'll catch up with friends over a walk or an exercise class, and I'll always offer to host a dinner party rather than going out to catch up at a bar.
That said, if I do want a night out, you can still find sober-friendly spots to have a boogie that don't involve going to a typical nightclub.
For example, if you love musical theatre, Club Broadway hosts monthly musical singalongs. Or, Bungalow 8 in Sydney just launched a Friday dancefloor with a piano in the middle, where everyone sings along to well-known ballads.
Of course, there will always be times when you're around people who are drinking or at an event that revolves around booze, like Christmas, birthdays, weddings, and bottomless brunches.
Where possible, I bring things like board games or conversation card games to provide an alternative activity to do. (If you're eyerolling at this, fair enough – but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes to get through).
Think of it like this: when you take alcohol out of the equation, you're forced to make your own fun.
You need to bring interesting topics and a good vibe to the table because you're not relying on alcohol to create them for you and be a social lubricant.
Is it difficult that your partner drinks? Why doesn't he abstain?
Yes, it can be challenging at times, but I don't expect or want him to quit.
My husband has always maintained a healthy, moderate relationship with alcohol and drinks responsibly (most of the time).
It was tough that he drank at our wedding, and of course, I would have loved to toast him with real Champagne – but people just handle their alcohol differently, and I can't pretend to be able to drink like him when I can't.
And of course, it was hard when he was sipping cocktails on our honeymoon by the beach. But I respect his enjoyment and believe drinking is his choice and not my issue to control.
Lasting change needs to come from within, and expecting him to abstain for my sake isn't sustainable or fair, in my opinion.
That's not to say I don't give him the cheeky nudge on New Year's or Dry July, but deep down, I really don't mind if he drinks or not.
Plus, his drinking has naturally decreased since we've been together, and he'll never drink in excess when we go out together, which I appreciate.
Oh, and one more thing – seeing him nurse a raging hangover a couple of times a year when he drinks a bit too much with the boys only reinforces how much better I feel about my decision. Hah.
How do you relax?
I never drank to unwind, but I know that drinking was still a form of escapism in some way for me.
Now, my coping mechanisms include taking long phone-free walks, getting good sleep, breathwork, meditation, sauna and exercising.
They are all awfully wholesome, I know. And unfortunately, they all work.
Is your life boring?
Yes. In conventional terms.
I don't have wild nights out, drama-filled stories or binge-fuelled memory montages.
But my life is infinitely more fun now, in a deeper, more authentic way.
If I fall into the trap of comparing my low-key, quiet weekends to those I see on Instagram, I remind myself that I'd rather be boring than blackout.
'Can you just have one? You weren't an alcoholic'
For those who never struggled with drinking, this question makes sense. For me, it doesn't.
Whether classified as an alcoholic or not is irrelevant. What matters is that moderation never felt like it was an option for me.
Trying to 'just have one' never worked, and if it did, I wouldn't have quit.
Personally, an all-or-nothing approach led me to my binge drinking in the first place, so I knew an all-or-nothing approach was the only way to get me out.
What do you drink?
Initially, non-alcoholic drinks helped with the transition.
I love Plus Minus non-alcoholic wines, Lyre's spirit alternatives, and Naked Life ready-to-drink cocktails.
Nowadays, I find myself needing them less and am comfortable just ordering a Diet Coke.
I do try to make them feel fancy, though, often adding lime juice, pickle juice or jalapeños.
Don't knock it 'till you try it!
