Latest news with #healthyRelationships
Forbes
30-06-2025
- General
- Forbes
3 Non-Negotiables In Emotionally Safe Relationships, By A Psychologist
Emotionally safe partners are not flawless, but they are consistent in the security, validation and ... More open-mindedness they offer. Here's what emotional safety looks like behind closed doors. Emotional safety is more than just a buzzword. It forms the foundation of lasting, resilient love. Emotionally safe couples don't have fewer problems, they just fight fairer, talk truer and feel freer. And most tellingly, they rarely have to 'ask' for certain things. And no, this doesn't mean that their partners are mind readers. Instead, their relationship is built on a secure emotional foundation that makes these behaviors natural and automatic over time. Here are three things you never have to ask an emotionally safe partner for, and why these are true signs of the strength and safety of your relationship. 1. 'Can You Please Listen Without Trying To Fix Me?' Emotionally safe couples don't treat each other like projects. They don't act like the other person is a puzzle waiting to be solved. When one partner opens up about having a bad day, the other doesn't rush in with solutions or logic. They know how to hold space. Listening, in safe relationships, is an act of connection. And research backs this up in multiple ways. A 2022 study drawing on Self-Determination Theory shows that high-quality listening is a powerful, autonomy-supportive act. When someone feels genuinely heard without being interrupted, constantly analyzed or corrected, it meets two core psychological needs: autonomy (feeling free to express oneself) and relatedness (feeling emotionally connected.) This kind of listening reduces defensiveness and creates a sense of emotional safety that motivates deeper openness and change. Additionally, our perception of being understood, not just whether we are accurately understood, but whether we 'feel' understood, adds to both our relationship satisfaction and personal well-being. Couples with the aforementioned qualities have attuned responsiveness, or an ability to sense what the other truly needs in the moment. Often, it's not advice, or fixing things for them. It's presence in the form of a nod, a hand gently placed on the back or an empathetic statement. Fixing, then, can create distance that no one really intends. Presence, on the other hand, creates intimacy. Emotionally safe couples know that deep listening isn't about having the right answer. It's about making your partner feel seen, safe and significant. And sometimes, this emotional validation is more healing than any solution ever could be. 2. 'Can You Please Reassure Me That I Matter To You?' You know your relationship is emotionally safe when your partner doesn't just assume that you feel loved. Instead, they express it. Regularly. In silent yet powerful ways, perhaps in the form of a lingering glance, a midday check-in, a silly meme or a shared joke no one else would understand. Here, reassurance is not earned. It is offered freely and preemptively, where one partner senses when the other might need grounding, especially in moments of conflict, stress or self-doubt. A meta-analysis of 30 studies found that the perception of mattering — the belief that one is important to others — is strongly linked to personal well-being, especially eudaimonic well-being, which includes purpose, meaning and authenticity. When people feel they matter, they become more emotionally secure and resilient, which strengthens both the individual and their relationships. Another 2022 study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that the sense of mattering also mediates the link between intimacy and marital satisfaction. Couples who engage in frequent communication or sex aren't just bonding physically or verbally. It's their way of saying 'You matter to me.' And when one form of connection is low, the other can buffer the emotional impact by keeping that sense of mattering alive. Additionally, one of the hallmarks of emotional safety in these relationships is never feeling like a burden when you're vulnerable. It means knowing that your need for reassurance won't be dismissed or resented; it will be met with care. Reassurance, in short, is a quiet, daily 'I've got you' expressed in a hundred different ways. 3. 'Can You Please Take Accountability?' This one might surprise people, especially those who grew up thinking defensiveness was just how conflict works. But emotionally safe couples operate differently. They treat accountability not as blame, but as an act of love. They say 'I was wrong' without flinching, 'I hurt you' without spiraling and 'I want to make it right' without needing to be cornered. For them, responsibility is seen for what it is — a bond-strengthener, rather than a threat. And researchers agree. A large-scale study in 2023 involving over 1,200 participants found that people who score high on accountability are more likely to exhibit empathy, humility, forgiveness, self-regulation and the ability to repair relational ruptures. They also report higher levels of personal flourishing and a stronger sense of meaning in life. In fact, accountability was a better predictor of relational repair and well-being than even conscientiousness or other demographic traits. Without accountability, wounds fester. But with it, trust compounds. And emotionally safe couples choose trust every time, even if it means the humbling work of self-reflection, and choosing repair over righteousness. Emotionally safe couples operate on an unspoken emotional contract: 'I will try to know you, show up for you and take care of what we build between us.' So, if you find yourself repeatedly having to ask for these three things — to be listened to, to be reassured, to feel like someone owns their impact on you — pause. Not to blame. But to notice. What kind of safety (or lack thereof) has your relationship normalized? And what kind do you want to build together? Emotionally safe partners often display high levels of emotional intelligence. Take the Emotional Quotient Inventory to see if you possess this strength.
Forbes
10-05-2025
- General
- Forbes
I'm A Psychologist Who Studies Couples — These 3 Habits Separate Strong Relationships From The Rest
Good couples see their relationships as perfect, but great couples know that there's no such thing. ... More Here's three ways that this makes all the difference. The difference between a good relationship and a great one can be hard to spot. As a social psychologist who studies couples, I'd say the difference is stark. But as a married man, even I can admit how easy they are to overlook during day-to-day interactions. You can know the research by heart, but living it is something else. And, unfortunately, most people aren't taught what a real, healthy relationship should look like (at least, not correctly). But, more often than not, most couples are already halfway there. These three habits likely aren't new to you — you're probably already doing them in some way or another. In this sense, the difference between a good couple and a great couple isn't their habits alone, but rather how they're maintaining them. Here are three habits great couples maintain, with care and intention. If you've been told that healthy couples never argue, then you've been misled. In fact, if you've ever been made to feel inferior by a couple who claims to 'never fight,' you're likely better off than they are. As classic research from the Journal of Marriage and Family teaches us, every couple has to deal with conflict — there aren't any hacks or tricks that can prevent this. If anything, attempting to rid your relationship of conflict altogether would be a disservice. A good couple might say, 'Why would we fight? Our relationship is perfect, and there's nothing worth fighting over.' But by ignoring issues they deem 'not worth fighting over,' they simultaneously ignore the potential for their relationship to improve. In this sense, the true difference between a good couple and a great one isn't that they don't fight at all. In all likelihood, they fight regularly — just not with each other. They recognize that there is always something worth fighting for. They know that there is always room for improvement, even if their relationship is already healthier than most. With this in mind, the only way to take a relationship from good to great is to overhaul the idea that conflict can only serve argumentative purposes. Rather, it must be viewed as a means for healthier, happier ends. Good couples wait for the 'right time' to bring up issues, but great ones know that there's never a right time — and if there were, it would be now. Similarly, good couples might avoid conflict out of fear of the discomfort that precedes it; they might see it as a sign that something is irreparably wrong. But great couples simply recognize that this discomfort usually means something needs tweaking, and not that it's broken altogether. It's tempting to believe that healthy couples avoid being critical of one another, or that they simply accept each other as they are. This is admissible to a certain extent, but not in its entirety. According to research from Dr. John Gottman, criticism is, indeed, one of the greatest predictors of divorce. But while it's true that criticism can be deeply damaging to a relationship, the idea that partners should never be critical in any way is misleading. Giving your partner feedback or pointing out a genuine concern is not an act of criticism. Real criticism would be an attack on your partner's character, or making an over-generalized accusation about their behavior or personality. Of course, great couples steer clear of this. But they don't shy away from speaking up when something's off. Good couples might view one another's bad habits as something they simply 'signed up for.' Great couples, however, understand that relationships are like machines: they have moving parts that will rust without regular oiling. Relationships consist of two evolving people, which means that growing pains are inevitable. So when one partner notices a behavior that could be harmful — to themselves, the other or the relationship as a whole — they recognize that the risks of staying quiet outweigh the benefits of keeping the peace. Instead, they call a spade a spade gently, and in doing so, they affirm the potential they see in each other. They aren't harsh, and they certainly aren't nitpicky, either. They simply refrain from settling for 'good enough' because they know that both of them are capable of more. Even the most self-assured partners hesitate to ask for what they really need from time to time. Somewhere along the way, we absorb the idea that expressing needs equates to being 'too much,' 'too clingy' or 'nagging.' Instead, we convince ourselves we can go without — even if it means putting our own satisfaction on the line. This is a well-observed habit in relationships, and not a good one. According to a study from Communication Research, the more insecure or uncertain partners feel about their relationship, the more likely they are to withhold their needs. This is driven largely by the fear that speaking up will rock the boat or drive their partner away. And in many 'good' relationships, that fear is given more credence than individual needs. Partners might go months or even years without making any truly vulnerable requests. They might think, 'We get along just fine. There's no need to make things awkward.' It works in a general sense, but they'd never know any better. Great couples, on the other hand, trust that their vulnerability will always be met with tenderness — and they're always better off for it. They ask for what they need, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. That might mean asking for more reassurance, or more alone time. It might mean expressing that a certain tone of voice feels condescending, or that they need specific kinds of affection on some days more than others. And rather than hinting, testing or sulking, they say it plainly. They aren't 'high-maintenance' for making these demands. They might even struggle to make them, considering the courage and candor they require. But they don't make a habit of hiding, either. One way or another, they always speak their minds — because they know it's the only way to give their partner a fair chance to meet them halfway. Where does your relationship fall on the scale from good to great? Take this science-backed test, and see how you compare to others: Relationship Flourishing Scale
