2 days ago
27 People Are Sharing Their Long-Term Relationship Advice, And These Answers Are So Raw And Real
Falling in love is easy, but staying in love? That seems to be the tricky part. Is there a magic formula? What makes a relationship work long-term? In r/AskReddit, someone posed the question: "Redditors in long-term relationships: What's something no one tells you about staying together for years?" The answers that poured in were bountiful on what it took for these couples to make it past the honeymoon stage and cultivate a long-lasting relationship. Here's what people had to say:
1."You need to stay curious about your partner: keep asking questions, update your assumptions. You will never know everything about them, especially if years have gone by and they've probably changed in some way or another. As soon as you start treating them like you already know everything about them, then you start missing a lot of cool opportunities to be surprised by them."
—fookinpikey
2."You both need space, whether it's a room, upstairs or downstairs, hobbies, etc. Nothing against your partner, but everyone needs space. I've been with my wife for 15 years now, and one main condition for buying the house was that we needed separate spaces. Nothing against each other, but being able to just have a few moments of chilling in your own vibes to decompress."
—Woah_man34
3."Always remember that it's you two against the problem, not you two against each other. This eventually solves every other problem if effort is made."
Wwd / Getty Images
—Ardelente
4."Talk. About. Everything. EVERYTHING. Don't hide your feelings. Don't dismiss your worries. Talk. And when you do talk, don't get upset over it. Keep talking, be respectful to each other. As much as people like to pretend 'love is all it takes,' it's a lie. There is so much more beyond love to make it work."
—Oodles_of_noodles_
5."Go to bed mad. Get some sleep before you say something cruel. Tackle it again in the morning. Cruelty and resentment are killers."
—Acceptable-Music6825
"Can I upvote this a million times? That whole 'never go to bed angry' never made sense to me. Sometimes, you just need a good sleep, and you wake up calmer and with more perspective. Sometimes, all you need is a nap!"
—PopSpiritual2752
6."You need good boundaries with your respective extended families. As your spouse, they need to prioritize the family they chose to build with you over the family they were born into — and vice versa. If your relationship and needs are, more often than not, being pushed back in favor of the spouse's parents/siblings/etc, your family is going to suffer."
HBO / Via
"It's one thing to spend holidays with your spouse's parents, to have Sunday dinner, or help out with the occasional landscaping job. It's another thing entirely if you can never be alone with your spouse, because your in-laws are always at your house, inviting themselves on your vacations, or expecting your spouse to be at their beck and call."
—vocabulazy
7."Anything your partner does at the beginning of the relationship that irritates you will still irritate you 30 years later."
—ScottyMcBoo
"And don't forget all the exciting new irritating things they do that you will discover over the course of those 30 years!"
—SolidInitiative
8."Find someone you enjoy doing nothing with. Anyone can create magical moments with someone going on vacations and dates, but it's the one you can socially recharge with that feels like home that will make all the difference in the long run."
—snowblind08
9."Extra blankets. Learning to cook them their favorite food. Supporting each other's goals and dreams, hopefully to fruition."
—sleeepypuppy
10."You're not going to have a long-term relationship if your partner doesn't trust you. Don't do shady shit. You're going to get caught, and while they might forgive you, they won't trust you. That's the beginning of the end of a relationship, once the trust is gone. If you wouldn't want someone doing something to you, don't do that particular thing to them. It's common sense, but apparently, not everyone possesses that particular thinking. Don't talk shit about your partner behind their back. Don't do things that you know are going to piss them off, and be careful what you say and how you say it. This is the person you claim to love. Act like it."
—rosesforthemonsters
11."Once you have the 'right mate,' the real work is in keeping the romance alive. When you get comfortable, it's very easy to gradually fall into a rut. Over time, you're either growing together or growing apart. There is no neutral."
—lovealert911
12."Some days it's going to be hard to love them, so you need to consciously choose to love them anyway."
—eeyorebronte
"Exactly. Love is more of a choice, especially during hard times, than it is a feeling."
—DegenPatrol
13."How much of a privilege it is to see someone you love so deeply and know so thoroughly grow old with you. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years, and he's growing his first grey hairs now. It excites me that I get to see that."
Pixar / Via
—[deleted]
14."There's more to intimacy than sex. Shower together, cuddle, hold their hand, pet their is a choice that you HAVE to make every day, and the choices can come in the most mundane stuff. In picking up/cleaning something so they don't have to, in making two cups of coffee instead of one. Even if your partner isn't there to hear it, choose love. When someone jokes about hating their partner, don't laugh at the joke. Defend your partner when people are rude about your relationship, especially when it's your friends and family. Time apart gives you something different to talk about. Continue to invest in time together, but doing things by yourself gives you something new to talk about."
"The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. Do not become indifferent to the silence and space between you when it starts to grow. ALL OF THIS MUST BE MUTUAL!"
—chichipota
15."I recommend more hugs. My husband and I have been together for 25 years, and we still casually touch one another all the time. Not in a grabby way but casual hair ruffles, side hugs, full on squishes, butt pats, etc."
—munkymu
16."You both WILL change, and there will come a time, 30 years in, when you realize there are still things you're not entirely sure are compatible, but you stay committed because you realize that the good outweighs the bad and you know that there is nobody else in the world who knows you like they do and has been 'through it' with you like they have. You also know the core of them, and that's pretty priceless. Meaning: I know for 100% sure, after being with my husband for 30 years, that he is a decent human with a compassionate heart."
—Express_Hotel2682
17."That you need to put in the work, listen to each other, and give each other space. We have been together for 19 years. The last couple of years were very difficult, and now we are just finding each other again because we're putting in the work. We're talking more about our needs and not taking each other for granted."
Sony / Via
—Suzzert
18."You become more like each other. So, my wife has always been an extreme introvert, and I am the opposite. But over the years, she has craved time with people more, and I've come to appreciate and need solitude."
—dudewafflesc
19."That sometimes it's loyalty, and sometimes its love."
—EnvironmentalLuck515
20."The bad news? You can never get anything back. The honeymoon phase, pre-kids freedom phase, adventurous phase, etc. You can't get any of that back once it's gone; it's gone forever. Pining over it and trying to rebuild it is a waste of time and a recipe for disaster and resentment. The good news? You get to imagine and co-create a new life together. How does it look? What traditions do you want to implement? Where do you want to be? How long will it take? What must be true to make it happen? It's up to you and your S.O. to work together and make it happen, but it never will happen if you don't sit down together and imagine the life you both want to co-create."
—angry_allen2234
21."You won't always be able to split the work 50/50. Sometimes it's 100/0. Sometimes you'll have to do 'their' chores. What matters is that you are both on the same team, together. It's when one person carries the load all the time for years, and the other doesn't bother, that problems happen."
—Revolutionary-Yak-47
22."Porn is destructive when it is hidden in a relationship."
—decentlyample
23."You're not doing either of you a favor staying in there if you really don't want to."
—MilkersMoth
24."Fate, soulmates, and destiny are all scams meant to help unhappy Stepford wives comfort themselves in between doses of barbiturates. Nobody HAS to be together. Even after marriage, if you're still there in the morning, let it be because you chose to be there. Love is a choice you make every single day. Once you surrender that agency to 'fate,' you abandon the mutual effort that makes a relationship truly meaningful."
—Coal-and-Ivory
25."Stephen Sondheim actually said it best, IMO: 'You're always sorry. You're always grateful. Everything's different, nothing's changed. … Only maybe slightly rearranged.' You're sorry-grateful, regretful-happy. The point is that a relationship is HARD WORK, but it comes easily if you're doing it with the right person for the right reasons."
Bettmann / Getty Images, Daily Herald Archive / Getty Images
"Both of you will have to ask forgiveness from each other a million times, and you'll have to give it when you don't feel like it, or when the other person is too proud to ask. You'll be glad you said the harsh thing that was true, and you'll be sad it came out that way. They will break your heart. You will break theirs. What matters is putting each other back together."
—2110daisy
26."Acknowledge each other's birds. A couples therapist told my wife and me that one of the key factors he noticed in couples that stay together is acknowledging each other's birds. As in, you and your significant other are sitting there and she says, 'Oh, look at that cool bird,' and you take the time to look at it and respond. Sometimes you may not care about the bird, and sometimes you're busy with other things, but it doesn't take much effort to look up from what you're doing to say, 'That is indeed a cool bird.'"
—Nmueller21739
lastly, "Silly one, but the farts. My god, the farts."
—InterestingPoet7910
Any long-term relationship insights or advice to share? Let us know in the comments!
Note: Responses have been edited for length/clarity.
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