Latest news with #humanbehaviour
Yahoo
12-08-2025
- Yahoo
I'm a private investigator – these are the telltale signs that your partner is cheating
Ali Marsh is an expert in human behaviour, thanks to her unusual career as a private investigator. Now 58, she's been working as a PI for nearly 10 years – and in that time she's taken on a host of cases, from looking for missing people and tracking down family relatives to debt recovery and identifying cheating spouses. Previously a worker in the care industry, Marsh, who lives in Oxfordshire with her retired husband and has a grown-up daughter, says: 'I've got the skills as a listener, picking up on people's vulnerabilities and body language. I am quite perceptive and have learnt to adapt to different personalities.' Her startling career change came after she was mugged at knifepoint. While she was waiting for a bus after a night out, a man approached her and demanded that she give him her bag. Something snapped. Not only did Marsh fight back, she chased the mugger too. 'I was so angry that he thought he could do that,' she says. 'I started to chase him and he was so surprised.' At the time, she had been grieving the loss of her father. 'I was destroyed by his death,' she says. 'That [the attempted mugging] was the pivot for me to change my life.' She wanted to know why people committed crime, and went on to study psychology and criminology at the Open University. She then moved on to profiling, looking at ways to identify suspects. And at the age of 50, she became a private investigator, setting up her own agency, Miss A.M. Investigations. She charges £85 per hour but, if a case could be drawn over days or weeks, will negotiate a total fee. Since then, she has taken on a host of cases – a number of which are outlined in her new book, Private Lies. She says over the years she has come to understand how cheaters work. So what are the telltale signs? How to spot a cheater Emotional and behavioural shifts are one clue, she says, explaining: 'They become distant, there are changes in intimacy and a lack of interest in you as a partner.' Look out for them withdrawing from you and not engaging physically or mentally. 'They also change their phone or passwords and leave the room when on the phone. They have a sudden interest in their own appearance – they lose weight and start going to the gym.' Check if there is a change of hairstyle, a new fragrance or aftershave, or new clothes. 'There are sudden, unexplained expenses,' says Marsh – not to mention absences. In one scenario, she was following a man who had told his wife he often had to go away because of work. His wife had noticed a change in him, became suspicious, and believed he was cheating. After hours of surveillance, Marsh got pictures of him kissing the other woman at her front door. Case closed. 'People are devastated when they find out, but often I think they know,' she says. 'They just want me to confirm or deny. And I've had men as often as women coming to me. It isn't just a man who cheats.' On another occasion, she managed to unmask a coercive, controlling husband who was cheating with a younger woman. Not only that, he also had a secret business, hiding his wealth, which Marsh tracked down. Her discovery helped the woman financially when it came to their divorce. 'I punched the air with that one,' she says. 'He was really horrible and she was lovely. I do think that is why I do this.' Another sign to look out for if someone is straying is whether they are talking about someone a lot. 'If they have fallen for someone at work, they may mention them often,' says Marsh. 'They want to talk about them but they can't, so they say 'so and so did this today'.' And they will start going out more. 'They can cause arguments, giving them an excuse to storm off – 'I've had enough of this, I'm off out',' she adds. How to spot a catfisher Infidelity is one thing – but what if your beloved isn't actually really in love with you, but with your wallet? There have been numerous cases of both men and women falling for catfishers and scammers who use fake photos and online personas to lure people into relationships – an increasing risk in a world in which online dating is normal. 'People work on these scams for a long time. They vet people to get to the right person,' says Marsh. But there are steps you can take to protect yourself. 'Scammers are skilled at getting into your head and preying on any weakness,' says Marsh. 'If they send you any images, do a reverse image search.' You copy and paste the image into a search engine, click search, and the results will show whether it has been used elsewhere. 'Ask yourself if the image is legitimate, as fraudsters often use stock images or other people's,' she adds. 'I did a reverse image search for a friend recently. She was going out with someone who was slightly strange. 'He phoned her up and said he had been in a really bad crash, so could she send him some money so he could go to a garage. I did a reverse search, and the photo he had sent was of a car crash that happened two years ago.' Other telltale signs include if they mirror your hobbies or life experiences, pretending they like the same things you do, whether that's squash or opera, football or theatre. 'They don't really offer a lot about themselves or what they do until they know what you like,' says Marsh. In another of her cases, a man called Bradley* had been catfished on a dating app by someone called Alfie*. He had love-bombed Bradley, showing that they had similar tastes in music, a love of Japanese food and shared family values. Then Alfie said his mother was ill and he needed £150 for the train ticket to visit her, which Bradley sent. Alfie then disappeared – a textbook case. Marsh discovered the deception by trawling through images online and realising the Alfie in question did exist, and had a girlfriend in Essex. 'How cruel is that?,' she says. 'You get to know them and supposedly trust them and think 'this is the person for me'. That someone would do that and still get money out of you. It wasn't thousands, it was just £150, but even so.' Other signs of a catfisher are, she says, 'if they won't speak to you via FaceTime, only via audio. They'll say they can't get FaceTime on their phone. Or they will always cancel at the last minute when you are going to meet, particularly citing family issues or health reasons'. Another good pointer is their social media profile, whether that's on Instagram or Facebook. If they have a lot of followers and little engagement, it's likely to be fake. Check, too, if they tag lots of people, which could be a giveaway. Marsh says she is particularly concerned about scammers preying on the elderly and, with advances in technology, their scams are getting far more sophisticated. 'When I go and see elderly people, I say to them don't answer the phone to them, don't give them what they want. Don't give them your address.' How to catch a cheater out Marsh uses all sorts of methods to get to the truth and says her biggest assets are 'instinct and a dog lead'. She often uses the guise of a dog walker to get talking to people, or has 'lost' cat pictures on her phone. 'Then I can say 'can I look in your garden for my lost cat?' and get through the house.' She also has personas with names such as Susan and Claudia. On one occasion, she joined a book club to check on a woman whose husband thought she was cheating. 'My personas are always based on someone I know, so I have got a story. It's more credible that way,' she says. And she can change her look by dyeing her hair or wearing different glasses. She also has a profile of her own on a dating app so that she can check whether people she is investigating are on it. Her other equipment is a long lens camera, a Dictaphone, a notebook and a strong constitution. 'Sitting in cars for hours at a time on surveillance, I think I have got the bladder of an elephant,' she says. 'You have to be alert, waiting for people to move. It's mentally tiring rather than physically.' Marsh also feels that being a woman, and an older woman, has helped. 'Some people say you feel invisible at this age,' she says. 'I wouldn't say I do. But if you saw me in a car, you wouldn't think 'oh, she is following me', you would think 'oh Christ, she can't work out her sat nav!' It can sometimes work to your advantage. 'Women are good as private investigators because we adapt well to people and circumstances, whereas men can be a bit awkward if they are not in any kind of familiar territory. Patience is a big factor in my job.' Keeping safe while on surveillance What about her own safety? Has she ever been bothered while on surveillance? 'Not often. I keep a load of flyers in my front seat, so if someone taps on the window, I'll say 'oh, I was just dropping these off'.' She also has an amicable relationship with the police. 'If I was going to be doing surveillance for a long time in one place, it is always useful to go to them and say 'this is why I am here'. So if people phone up and say there is a strange woman in a car, they know.' How does Marsh switch off? ' I love watching real crime,' she laughs. 'But not violence. I like a nice cosy one, I love Richard Osman.' And despite all the scamming, cheating, catfishing and resultant heartache she has seen, she still has faith in human nature. 'I think inherently there are more good people than bad.' Private Lies: True Stories From My Life As A Private Investigator by Ali Marsh is out now, £20, Blink, Bonnier Books UK *Names have been changed Broaden your horizons with award-winning British journalism. Try The Telegraph free for 1 month with unlimited access to our award-winning website, exclusive app, money-saving offers and more. Solve the daily Crossword
Telegraph
12-08-2025
- Telegraph
I'm a private investigator – these are the telltale signs that your partner is cheating
Ali Marsh is an expert in human behaviour, thanks to her unusual career as a private investigator. Now 58, she's been working as a PI for nearly 10 years – and in that time she's taken on a host of cases, from looking for missing people and tracking down family relatives to debt recovery and identifying cheating spouses. Previously a worker in the care industry, Marsh, who lives in Oxfordshire with her retired husband and has a grown-up daughter, says: 'I've got the skills as a listener, picking up on people's vulnerabilities and body language. I am quite perceptive and have learnt to adapt to different personalities.' Her startling career change came after she was mugged at knifepoint. While she was waiting for a bus after a night out, a man approached her and demanded that she give him her bag. Something snapped. Not only did Marsh fight back, she chased the mugger too. 'I was so angry that he thought he could do that,' she says. 'I started to chase him and he was so surprised.' At the time, she had been grieving the loss of her father. 'I was destroyed by his death,' she says. 'That [the attempted mugging] was the pivot for me to change my life.' She wanted to know why people committed crime, and went on to study psychology and criminology at the Open University. She then moved on to profiling, looking at ways to identify suspects. And at the age of 50, she became a private investigator, setting up her own agency, Miss A.M. Investigations. She charges £85 per hour but, if a case could be drawn over days or weeks, will negotiate a total fee. Since then, she has taken on a host of cases – a number of which are outlined in her new book, Private Lies. She says over the years she has come to understand how cheaters work. So what are the telltale signs? How to spot a cheater Emotional and behavioural shifts are one clue, she says, explaining: 'They become distant, there are changes in intimacy and a lack of interest in you as a partner.' Look out for them withdrawing from you and not engaging physically or mentally. 'They also change their phone or passwords and leave the room when on the phone. They have a sudden interest in their own appearance – they lose weight and start going to the gym.' Check if there is a change of hairstyle, a new fragrance or aftershave, or new clothes. 'There are sudden, unexplained expenses,' says Marsh – not to mention absences. In one scenario, she was following a man who had told his wife he often had to go away because of work. His wife had noticed a change in him, became suspicious, and believed he was cheating. After hours of surveillance, Marsh got pictures of him kissing the other woman at her front door. Case closed. 'People are devastated when they find out, but often I think they know,' she says. 'They just want me to confirm or deny. And I've had men as often as women coming to me. It isn't just a man who cheats.' On another occasion, she managed to unmask a coercive, controlling husband who was cheating with a younger woman. Not only that, he also had a secret business, hiding his wealth, which Marsh tracked down. Her discovery helped the woman financially when it came to their divorce. 'I punched the air with that one,' she says. 'He was really horrible and she was lovely. I do think that is why I do this.' Another sign to look out for if someone is straying is whether they are talking about someone a lot. 'If they have fallen for someone at work, they may mention them often,' says Marsh. 'They want to talk about them but they can't, so they say 'so and so did this today'.' And they will start going out more. 'They can cause arguments, giving them an excuse to storm off – 'I've had enough of this, I'm off out',' she adds. How to spot a catfisher Infidelity is one thing – but what if your beloved isn't actually really in love with you, but with your wallet? There have been numerous cases of both men and women falling for catfishers and scammers who use fake photos and online personas to lure people into relationships – an increasing risk in a world in which online dating is normal. 'People work on these scams for a long time. They vet people to get to the right person,' says Marsh. But there are steps you can take to protect yourself. 'Scammers are skilled at getting into your head and preying on any weakness,' says Marsh. 'If they send you any images, do a reverse image search.' You copy and paste the image into a search engine, click search, and the results will show whether it has been used elsewhere. 'Ask yourself if the image is legitimate, as fraudsters often use stock images or other people's,' she adds. 'I did a reverse image search for a friend recently. She was going out with someone who was slightly strange. 'He phoned her up and said he had been in a really bad crash, so could she send him some money so he could go to a garage. I did a reverse search, and the photo he had sent was of a car crash that happened two years ago.' Other telltale signs include if they mirror your hobbies or life experiences, pretending they like the same things you do, whether that's squash or opera, football or theatre. 'They don't really offer a lot about themselves or what they do until they know what you like,' says Marsh. In another of her cases, a man called Bradley* had been catfished on a dating app by someone called Alfie*. He had love-bombed Bradley, showing that they had similar tastes in music, a love of Japanese food and shared family values. Then Alfie said his mother was ill and he needed £150 for the train ticket to visit her, which Bradley sent. Alfie then disappeared – a textbook case. Marsh discovered the deception by trawling through images online and realising the Alfie in question did exist, and had a girlfriend in Essex. 'How cruel is that?,' she says. 'You get to know them and supposedly trust them and think 'this is the person for me'. That someone would do that and still get money out of you. It wasn't thousands, it was just £150, but even so.' Other signs of a catfisher are, she says, 'if they won't speak to you via FaceTime, only via audio. They'll say they can't get FaceTime on their phone. Or they will always cancel at the last minute when you are going to meet, particularly citing family issues or health reasons'. Another good pointer is their social media profile, whether that's on Instagram or Facebook. If they have a lot of followers and little engagement, it's likely to be fake. Check, too, if they tag lots of people, which could be a giveaway. Marsh says she is particularly concerned about scammers preying on the elderly and, with advances in technology, their scams are getting far more sophisticated. 'When I go and see elderly people, I say to them don't answer the phone to them, don't give them what they want. Don't give them your address.' How to catch a cheater out Marsh uses all sorts of methods to get to the truth and says her biggest assets are 'instinct and a dog lead'. She often uses the guise of a dog walker to get talking to people, or has 'lost' cat pictures on her phone. 'Then I can say 'can I look in your garden for my lost cat?' and get through the house.' She also has personas with names such as Susan and Claudia. On one occasion, she joined a book club to check on a woman whose husband thought she was cheating. 'My personas are always based on someone I know, so I have got a story. It's more credible that way,' she says. And she can change her look by dyeing her hair or wearing different glasses. She also has a profile of her own on a dating app so that she can check whether people she is investigating are on it. Her other equipment is a long lens camera, a Dictaphone, a notebook and a strong constitution. 'Sitting in cars for hours at a time on surveillance, I think I have got the bladder of an elephant,' she says. 'You have to be alert, waiting for people to move. It's mentally tiring rather than physically.' Marsh also feels that being a woman, and an older woman, has helped. 'Some people say you feel invisible at this age,' she says. 'I wouldn't say I do. But if you saw me in a car, you wouldn't think 'oh, she is following me', you would think 'oh Christ, she can't work out her sat nav!' It can sometimes work to your advantage. 'Women are good as private investigators because we adapt well to people and circumstances, whereas men can be a bit awkward if they are not in any kind of familiar territory. Patience is a big factor in my job.' Keeping safe while on surveillance What about her own safety? Has she ever been bothered while on surveillance? 'Not often. I keep a load of flyers in my front seat, so if someone taps on the window, I'll say 'oh, I was just dropping these off'.' She also has an amicable relationship with the police. 'If I was going to be doing surveillance for a long time in one place, it is always useful to go to them and say 'this is why I am here'. So if people phone up and say there is a strange woman in a car, they know.' How does Marsh switch off? ' I love watching real crime,' she laughs. 'But not violence. I like a nice cosy one, I love Richard Osman.' And despite all the scamming, cheating, catfishing and resultant heartache she has seen, she still has faith in human nature. 'I think inherently there are more good people than bad.'
Telegraph
17-07-2025
- Health
- Telegraph
What your buffet behaviour says about you
The heels are high, the tie knots Windsor, the conversation genteel and nobody has yet started to worry about the babysitter. The wedding reception is going smoothly. But there's a beast behind the nearby sneeze guards. And, when it's set loose, the atmosphere changes. It's the same at golf-club socials, corporate away-days and resort hotels – because when you put Britons and a buffet in the same room, human behaviour turns from pristine to primitive before you can say 'cocktail sausage'. We're different from many European countries when it comes to communal feeding. Picture the aperitivo spread in a Milan bar: exquisitely made snacks – arancini, tramezzini, bruschetta – to place, one by one, beside your cocktail glass. This could never work in Britain: too many of us would sweep an armful of goodies into a carrier bag and leg it. Here, it's less 'eat as much as you like' and more 'eat as much as you can before gout kicks in'. So what do our dining habits say about us? We asked Dr Sean Thomas*, an NHS behavioural psychologist, to analyse buffet behaviour. The front-of-the-queue diner Always first to the spread, they approach with a speed usually witnessed in children fleeing a wasps nest when the cold cuts are first sighted. 'This behaviour might relate to a sense of entitlement, a self-centredness bordering on self-importance,' says Dr Thomas. 'Some people just believe they are more important or deserving than others, which might stem from social status, age or cultural norms they've internalised. They may not even realise they're being rude – they just assume it's acceptable.' Such guests are the Elon Musks of the dining room; imbued with a messianic sense of superiority and no small measure of avarice. They cannot function in polite society until they have secured the silkiest salmon slice, the largest muffin and the most perfect poached egg on their plate – to the chagrin of everyone queuing behind them. The pile-it-high purveyor Who says you can't have lasagne, chow mein, pizza, pâté en croûte and a scoop of ice cream on the same plate? Not this trougher, that's for sure. The only thing preventing them from upending entire steam trays into their mouths are simply logistics. How can you lift an entire platter of sausages when you're already holding a plate so unstable with comestibles that a slip on the carpet could render it a culinary carnage resembling a (barely) edible version of the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan? 'What can look from the outside like greed often has its roots in experiences of scarcity,' explains Dr Thomas. 'People who take this approach may well have had times in their life why they couldn't rely on food being available, and so have learnt to make the best of any opportunity they have to eat.' It makes for an unedifying spectacle. And a whole lot fewer roast potatoes for the rest of us. The little-and-often eater This can be interpreted, incorrectly, as the behaviour of a buffet arriviste. But be in no doubt, this is a long-practiced assault plan. Visiting with a clean plate each time, they sample every single item the buffet has on offer, while giving forth the impression that they are being selective and frugal. The true sophisticate butters up a member of serving staff to ensure that their vessels are removed immediately from the table, lest a pile-up of crockery give away their multi-plate manipulation. 'Novelty-seeking is well-established as a psychological trait, often associated with a drive for exploration,' explains Dr Thomas. 'People high on this trait find new experiences rewarding, and can easily become bored with repetition and routine' – sweet succour to any guests unfortunate enough to sit next to the buffet binger, since they'll soon get bored, move to sit somewhere else and leave you with a chance to pick at the crumbs of whatever hasn't yet been snaffled up by this highly skilled gourmand. The dessert-only diner 'The evolutionary psychologist Steven Pinker has written about how desserts (cheesecake specifically) hijack our evolved preference for rich, fatty and densely calorific foods, which are rare to find in nature,' explains Dr. Thomas. 'The instinctive pull towards these kinds of foods is very strong for some people, and hard to overcome with willpower alone.' Hence those who swarm around the pudding station, studiously ignoring anything that doesn't have cream, chocolate or ideally both ladled on top of it. How on earth do they deal with the comedown from the sugar rush, which must scupper any plan more arduous than taking Nurofen in bed the following morning? Teeth throbbing with pain, but who cares – how often is it that you can eat 24 profiteroles in a public place without it looking like a YouTube challenge? Only at the buffet, my sweet friend. The make-friends-with-the-server manipulator The Gareth Southgates of the buffet crowd, able to get the right people on side with their easygoing charm, and using said charisma to divert from the fact that they're getting far more food than they deserve. A cheeky wink, a bit of soothing patter ('Cor, can't be easy serving up the spuds in this heat, eh?') and, with any luck, the server will squeeze just a little more roast beef and the largest available Yorkshire pudding onto their plate. 'Humans are innately social animals,' says Dr Thomas. 'In evolutionary history, our capacity to get along with others was highly tied to being able to survive. Some people are very adept at leveraging social connection to get their needs met.' If you can wangle an extra spring roll from a bain-marie, then access to a more lucrative buffet of life will surely follow. The take-away smuggler The smuggler doesn't see the buffet as a single meal; it can support a further three or four meals if the right combination of large shoulder bag, a plentiful supply of napkins and a furtive ability to transport items from plate to holdall can be implemented over the next two hours. 'This speaks to a capacity for planning ahead and strategic thinking,' explains Dr Thomas, who points to the famous 'marshmallow' experiments conducted by psychologist Walter Mischel in the 1960s. 'Mischel suggested that some people are more adept than others at delaying gratification in order to meet longer-term goals. This is a tendency that can be seen even in childhood, and might to some extent predict success across a range of different life domains.' The smuggler may have done well in life. But don't share a taxi home with them after the buffet; the smell of egg-mayo sandwiches emanating from their bag will really start to nauseate by sundown. The clandestine consumer The supreme buffet coward who deploys their partner to refill their plate while they stare at their knees, and ever-expanding waistline. 'There are strong cultural beliefs linking appetite with supposedly positive personality traits such as self-control, and with (often unrealistic) body image norms,' says Dr. Thomas. 'No wonder some people end up feeling ashamed of their own appetite.' But sympathy must also lie with the other half of this couple who is compelled to load up two plates instead of one. One day they will get their revenge. Stacking their own plate with all their favourite items, they will retire to the lobby to eat it all before returning to their partner with a plate bearing a water biscuit, a grape and a flimsy triangle of Emmental. Words may be exchanged. But this kind of 'buffet vengeance' can leave a surprisingly wholesome aftertaste.
Globe and Mail
08-05-2025
- Business
- Globe and Mail
Improving your relationship with your boss starts with being more aligned on priorities
Interested in more careers-related content? Check out our new weekly Work Life newsletter. Sent every Monday afternoon. Melody Wilding, an executive coach and professor of human behaviour at Hunter College in New York City, believes that most of the stress and frustration people experience with their bosses is fixable, because it stems not from pure incompetence or antagonism but a lack of awareness on both sides about how to work together effectively. 'Most professionals know they need to manage up but few know how to do it well,' she writes in her new book Managing Up. The first step, she advises, is to adopt a strategic, investigative mindset. As you start to see your boss less as a gatekeeper or overseer and more like a human being dealing with their own pressures, distractions and demands from higher-ups, you will begin to discover what drives their decisions and unlock how best to communicate with them. That may seem unbalanced. Making the relationship work better is falling upon your shoulders. But she asks you not to view it as making your boss's life easier. It's about taking control of your own work experience. 'Even if you have a good relationship with those above you, why settle for good when it could be great,' she writes. 'Consider it an investment in your satisfaction at work.' You will need conversations with your boss to ensure better alignment, so you don't seem pulled in 100 different directions or spend so much time trying to decipher cryptic feedback or mixed messages. You want to figure out how your work fits into the bigger picture and make sure you and your boss agree on success. 'No more emotional drain from doing what you think your boss expects, only to get it wrong and face frustration and disappointment,' she says. 'You can replace any simmering tension with a sense of shared purpose and understanding.' Beforehand, she suggests spending some time figuring out your one-year vision – what work would be like 365 days from now if it was the best possible situation. What would you be doing? Who would you be interacting with? What would make the day energizing and fulfilling? What key projects might you be leading? What organizational changes can you foresee now and how can you best prepare? That will allow you to understand where you want to steer. Now you are ready to get into your boss's head. In upcoming one-on-one meetings and more general conversations with your boss, she recommends weaving in questions like: If it's your first time bringing up alignment or the relationship with your manager has been rocky, she warns you will need to ensure the questions don't seem to come out of nowhere by indicating your overall desire to understand things better. And the answers won't necessarily be crystal clear. You will undoubtedly need to dig deeper with further questions. Bringing yourself in alignment with your boss can help improve the relationship dramatically. You will want to supplement that by subsequent observation and conversations on issues like differing styles, how to get beyond bottlenecks and take greater ownership of your work, providing feedback to the boss on frustrations such as their lack of vision to favouritism to other colleagues, how to position yourself for promotion and remuneration. Managing up is part of your job. Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn't Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.
