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From Joey Barton's French accent to Steve McClaren's dismal Dutch effort: When English football expats get foreign languages WRONG after Trent Alexander-Arnold dazzled with his perfect Spanish at Real Madrid unveiling
British players have a track record of struggling outside of the United Kingdom. Watching an export of ours speaking in an exotic tongue can seem like a new episode of An Idiot Abroad.
Ian Rush was said to have quipped that 'he couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' It was an astute observation.
A generation of players with a reputation for appalling language skills has been the norm. That is why when Trent Alexander-Arnold stunned Real Madrid by introducing himself in flawless Spanish, it was like watching Arthur pull out Excalibur from the stone. Few had thought it possible.
This wasn't just a PR gig, it was months of practice in another tongue. It's a sign of a player that cares about his new club, home, and culture, and a sign of respect to the fans that will worship him.
It's also a symbol of a new type of English footballer, one that isn't afraid to step out of the cultural comfort zone and move on to new things. Alexander-Arnold is not alone. Fikayo Tomori dedicated himself to learning fluent Italian and regularly delivers post-match broadcast interviews in the language at AC Milan. Jude Bellingham has seemingly had a good start to his Spanish lessons, with a certain affinity to the word 'vamos'.
Unfortunately, we are not free from the memory of their forerunners who butchered the languages of their hosts. Here are the most memorable.
Joey Barton at Marseille (2012) - The Mocking French Accent
Joey Barton invoked his best impression of Officer Crabtree from the BBC Sitcom 'Allo 'Allo! while on loan at Marseille.
After his Ligue 1 debut against Lille, he ditched the scouse, for a self-proclaimed 'Bartonese', a new dialect of English, in which the speaker adopts a hyper-stereotypical French persona.
He said 'Maybe the one criticism of the French Ligue is it's a leetle bit boring'. He then tweeted, 'Steve McClaren… eat your heart out'.
Gareth Bale at Real Madrid (2013 - 2021) - 'I don't have a clue what you've said'
'Golf. Wales. Madrid.' Famously in that order. What wasn't written, but was definitely included as a subheading of that Madrid part, was 'Spanish'.
Bale did not want to learn Spanish. It's lucky he was a supremely talented footballer playing for an incredibly gifted team.
The tactics were easy. Give the ball to Cristiano or Benzema, or have a pop yourself. Simple.
A hilarious video was released in which Bale took part in a chat with Spanish publication Marca, during which a small group of Madrid players exchanged information about themselves in order for fans to get to know them a little better.
Standing together in the Real Madrid team plane, Bale joined Luka Modric, Sergio Ramos, Marcelo and Casemiro for a chat. He was asked gently by former teammate Modric, 'what are the three things you carry in your luggage?'
Bale looked perplexed. 'I don't have a clue what you've just said,' replied the Welshman with a deadpan expression.
Joe Hart at Torino (2016) - Tried his best
In his Torino introduction, Joe Hart read fluent Italian directly from a script for his, before asking everyone to only ask him questions in English.
He let out an enormous sigh of relief once he'd finished reading out his, *checks watch*, 39 seconds of Italian.
There wasn't much more Italian after that. But Hart did insist that he was going to put in every effort to become more adept in the Romance language.
'I'm doing [language] lessons at every opportunity. I think it was most important for me to learn how speak and communicate with the players on the football field before I could have a conversation in a coffee shop,' he said.
'Now I'll be looking to take major strides forward top really improve my Italian in order to interact on a daily basis.'
Steve McClaren at FC Twente (2008) - SCHTEEVE
When 22 Jump Street was released in 2014, one of the opening scenes had the world in stitches.
When Channing Tatum's character 'Jenko' is pressed for his identity by members of the cartel, he panics and responds with a laughably cringeworthy Spanish-infused response of 'my name is Jeff'. Comedic genius.
Steve McClaren was ahead of the curve. When interviewed by Dutch media, he put on a super-thick Dutch accent, announcing himself as 'Schteeve' and maintaining it throughout his two year spell as manager.
And maybe it wasn't the worst idea. Something rubbed off on the players, as they won the Eredivisie title in 2009-10.
Jadon Sancho at Dortmund (2021) - Germglish Hybrid
Jadon Sancho was electric at Dortmund. Simply one of the best English youngsters there had ever been.
After scoring two goals, one of which was a screamer, in the final of the DFB-Pokal, Sancho delivered his post-match interview with a curious accent.
He spoke like Karl, the German exchange student trying to make friends in freshers' week, rather than Jadon, the 20-year-old winger who grew up in South London his whole life.
It didn't look forced, either. That's just the sign of a man who immersed himself into Westphalian culture, even at the expense of his own.
Jadon Sancho was a storming success at Borussia Dortmund but never quick cracked the lingo
David Moyes combined English and Spanish in one of his early interviews at Real Sociedad - but quickly regretted it
David Moyes at Real Sociedad (2014) - Oh no, David
While managing Real Sociedad, David Moyes attempted Spanish during an interview but faltered when he forgot the word for 'times'.
'I know about the B-team,' he began. 'I know about some of the players. They have been training with me, dos, tres, quatro... times, and, er, but I've not seen them play.'
His visible regret mid-sentence was noted as a relatable but awkward moment. Unlike Barton, at least Moyes was trying to speak the actual language rather than a bizarre form of accented English.
It didn't his case. He only lasted 42 games with the Spanish side before returning to English football with Sunderland.
