2 days ago
Humor: How to Choose Your Middle Schooler's Instrument
Considering your ears, wallet, and sanity
How will you ever know if your son or daughter is a musical prodigy if you don't put an instrument in their hands?!
But what instrument should it be?
Here are a few to consider.
Flute
You wish you'd been allowed to play the flute as a kid, or you did play it, quit as soon as your parents made the final payment on it, and have wondered ever since if that was where your high school career went wrong.
You still have the flute.
And you know that 99% of kids quit their instruments before high school graduation.
Why are you even reading this?
Clarinet
Perfect if you *really* miss the days of the 3rd-grade recorder.
You just must be willing to endure extremely high-pitched and ear-rattling squeaks during the approximately 500 hours of practice it'll take to hit those high notes.
And not have an aversion to saliva puddles on your floor.
Oboe
Is your middle schooler looking for something 'clarinet adjacent,' but that costs 3x more? Is your nickname MoneyToBurn?
Might we suggest the oboe?
Just don't expect this 'investment' to result in hearing anything, because if your middle schooler doesn't commit to an immediate and rigorous lip strength training routine, you won't.
Which may not entirely be a bad thing.
Saxophone
You desperately miss the musical stylings of Kenny G, but will happily settle for something akin to the sound of cow burps.
It's important to you for your kid to play an instrument that they can wear hanging from their neck like a gigantic necklace.
It's simple: You need your kid to play the saxophone.
Violin
Are you CRAZY about 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'? Do you want to hear it every single freaking day for 6 months??
Sounds like the violin might be perfect for your kid.
Just be honest with yourself about how likely they might be to try and smoke the rosin meant to smooth the hairs on the bow.
Because, yes, this is a thing.
Viola
Do you not want your kid to be basic and just play the violin like everyone else?
Did you think you bought a large violin at an estate sale, but were wrong?
The viola might be right for your family.
As long as hearing only the harmony of every song won't give you a massive case of FOMO.
And you aren't afraid to have rosin in the house.
Cello
If your kid gets tired when you ask them to hold something, but loves sitting down, the cello might be a good option.
Especially if you think smoking rosin is a myth and you have no aversion to the car drop-off and pick-up lines.
Because cellos aren't allowed to ride the bus.
Double Bass
Your motto is 'GO BIG OR GO HOME!' and you love driving your kid to school in your large vehicle?
You're dying to give your kid the responsibility of an unwieldy and expensive instrument that is taller than they are?
As long as you don't think low notes sound like Eeyore, and therefore make you sad, bring on the double bass!
Trumpet
You love being jolted awake at any time of the day by deafening sounds not remotely resembling 'Reveille'?
Or, alternatively, you already wear a fantastic set of earplugs all day long and your favorite lullaby is 'Taps'?
Get that kid a trumpet!
Percussion
It may sound crazy, but if you're sure they'll be content to practice using drumsticks on a pillow in their bedroom with the door closed, this could work.
Just be sure to check that there's not even the remotest possibility a xylophone might be sent home on loan from the school. And be honest with your tolerance for repetitive beats. Even if they are 'sick.'
Remember, the goal is to avoid insanity, or at least kick it down the curb a few more years.
Or this...
Don't have the patience of a saint, the deep pockets of a multimillionaire, an old instrument hidden in the closet, or at least some high-quality earplugs?
There's another possible choice. And no, it's not letting them decide.
You're funny.
It's called 'joining Chorus.'
No instrument to accidentally leave at home, school, or on the bus — and the price ($0!!) is RIGHT.
Just don't think this will get you out of sitting through the concerts. It won't.
Good luck! And choose wisely!
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