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New York Times

Is It OK to Confide in My Best Friend About My Heavy Medical Diagnosis?

A couple of years ago, I received radiation treatment for two brain tumors. It was successful. Recently, though, my doctors detected changes in my brain chemistry that can lead to neurological problems, mobility issues or dementia. I prefer not to tell my family about this development until I absolutely must. My first impulse was to tell my best friend about my diagnosis, but I wonder if it's unfair of me to put so much sadness in her lap. Thoughts? FRIEND I'm so sorry to hear about your health challenges — what you've endured already and the anxiety over what may come. And to be extremely clear: The decision to share your news with family, friends or anyone else is yours entirely. Other people (like me) may offer suggestions that we intend as helpful, but you are in the best position to determine what's right for you. My only concern about confiding in your best friend is that it sounds as if you intend to do so in a vacuum: that she will be the only person with whom you share your diagnosis. That's a lot of pressure to put on one person. And this dovetails with my general impression of your letter: You may be undervaluing the benefits of community when facing big challenges. I admire your independent spirit, and I understand your reluctance to be regarded as 'sick' while you are still healthy, but there are other options here, too. Your medical team can probably recommend a support group (online or in person) for people facing medical challenges like yours. Similarly situated people can be uniquely helpful to one another in talking through shared problems. And it's no secret that I support therapy for help in processing life's thorny issues. Together with these resources, confiding in your best friend about a big development in your life seems sensible. She can be a helpful member of your team — without being the whole team. Lobbing Messages Across an Age Gap A friend of mine has an 18-year-old son who is starting college in the fall. He's an awkward kid without many friends, and for some reason he has started texting me occasionally: How are you? What are your summer plans? For reference: I am a 52-year-old mother of one of his former classmates. I do not want to become his pen pal, but ignoring his texts seems rude. It also seems as if he could use some pointers on text etiquette. Should I ignore him, respond briefly or give him advice about texting? MOM I know your heart is in the right place, but I can't imagine what advice you would give — over text, no less — to a young person who seems to have difficulty interpreting social cues. My hunch is that you have been kind to this young man, and he may be reaching out to you as a friend during a lonely summer. Unless you experience these texts as harassing (and it sounds to me as if you find them inconvenient, not upsetting), respond briefly to the boy and tell your friend about her son's messages. She is probably in a better position to explain to him, in person, why these texts to you are inappropriate and should stop. 'Plus One'? I Think You Meant 'Plus Brood.' Two boys spent summers together 25 years ago. When one of them got married, years later, he invited the other boy's entire family to his wedding. (They came, and the hosts provided accommodations.) Now, the second boy is getting married. He invited the first boy to be in his wedding party, but none of his family members are invited. The families have remained in touch occasionally but are not close. Is there any way to politely ask whether the exclusion was an oversight? FRIEND It seems to me that one of the boys needs to grow up! The fact that you — sorry, 'Boy No. 1' — invited your friend's family to your wedding in no way obligates him to invite your family to his wedding. Social invitations are not tit for tat. There may be budgetary issues, size constraints or a decision by the couple that the extended families of childhood friends do not merit invitations. You have been asked to be a member of your friend's wedding party, which tells me that he values your relationship. Try to focus on that — not the fact that your mother won't be there. Beware: 'No Gifts!' May Go Without Saying We are expecting our second child soon. We already have a lot of baby gear from our first child. Still, people are asking what gifts they can give us. We would like to tell them nothing, but we don't want to reject their desire to celebrate with us. If pushed, we would prefer a healthy meal that we could freeze to more stuff. Advice? MOM If people ask you directly what you want, tell them: 'A healthy meal that we can freeze would be terrific!' — or even a gift card from a restaurant you like. But I would avoid making a general announcement. Some people like to give gifts and appreciate direction, but others may resent the assumption that they should give you a gift for your second child when, as you say, you are largely squared away. And if you receive a couple of unwanted onesies, donate them to charity. For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@ Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.