3 days ago
I'm middle-aged and still care what people think. How can I stop?
How do I stop obsessing over whether people like me? I thought by middle age I'd feel comfortable enough in my own skin to say, 'take it or leave it.' But I still get upset by even minor (or imagined) rejections. Why does this still bother me so much, and how can I care less?
If you are overfocusing on people's opinions about you, you're not alone. Many of my patients struggle with deep feelings of rejection if they think someone dislikes them, even if they are not always sure that they are perceiving the situation accurately. While people can become better at handling rejection with age, many do not. But that does not mean you can't improve with practice.
If we can understand why we care about being liked and learn how to take any type of rejection less personally, we can better deal with the inevitable social stress.
It's normal to want to be perceived positively and appreciated for who we are, and it's a helpful desire when it comes to getting along with others. It has an evolutionary origin: If rejected from a tribe, our ancestors' survival chances decreased dramatically; being liked by others could be a matter of life and death.
People we interact with these days don't hold the key to our existence in the same way, but we are left with the same fear of being shunned.
If your parents' approval and love depended on whether you behaved in a certain way, the need to be liked can be particularly strong. This is also true if you had rejecting, neglecting, or unreliable caregivers, and grew up always afraid that others would abandon you. Finally, living in an environment that is hostile to people like you (based on race, gender, sexual orientation, national origin, among others), is bound to make you more vigilant for signs of rejection.
Beyond individuals, Americans are shifting from being mostly guided by internal principles and values instilled in childhood to relying on the expectations and approval of contemporaries, sociologist David Riesman argued as far back as 1950.
And the pressure to be liked by others has only intensified in the era of the internet and social media.
Initial impressions are developed extremely quickly — sometimes in less than one-tenth of a second — and mostly outside our conscious awareness.
Imagine meeting a co-worker, and the smell of your shampoo triggers a negative reaction because it reminds her of a second-grade teacher she hated. She may not be aware of why she feels this way, but she might later think of 'explanations' that fit the initial emotion. What is worse, first impressions are hard to change, even when faced with evidence to the contrary.
There are countless reasons others evaluate us positively or negatively. People's opinion of you often reflects their own experiences, needs, biases and mood, rather than something about you. Someone having a bad day or being hungry might be critical of everyone around them. Or they might project their insecurities onto you.
Know that you are not going to be everyone's cup of tea. A life without rejection means that you either have been people-pleasing to the point that you do not even recognize yourself or that you have opted out of the social world — neither of which is a recipe for a fulfilling life.
People may not dislike you as much as you think. We consistently underestimate how positively others feel about us, including in initial conversations with one person, in small groups, work teams and online.
Rejection is partly in the eye of the beholder. Next time you think someone is shunning you, ask yourself, 'What evidence do I have that they're judging me negatively?' It could be just a story you're telling yourself.
Also, the more undesirable we feel, the more likely we are to perceive negative reactions because we assume that others see us the same way we see ourselves.
You also may be high in 'rejection sensitivity' — a tendency to anxiously expect and readily notice rejection from others, particularly in ambiguous social situations. Those who are high in rejection sensitivity sometimes become cold and unfriendly when feeling rejected. Unfortunately, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy because others are likely to react negatively to the distancing behaviors.
Instead, work to build an 'acceptance prophecy': Assume that others will accept you and behave accordingly. This can set in motion a positive loop, leading to others actually liking you.
To lessen the emotional impact of rejection, you can change the way you talk to yourself. For example, one time I bought a drink at my favorite coffee shop, and a new barista seemed annoyed with me. After my attempts at pleasant chitchat were met with terse responses, I thought, 'Why does he dislike me so much? Did I say something that offended him?' Even such a passing interaction left me feeling dejected for a bit.
You can imagine how a rejection from someone you know and care about, or hold in high esteem, could really throw you for a loop.
One way to ease the impact of a negative interaction is to say, 'That didn't go the way I hoped,' or if it happens at work, you could say, 'My idea was rejected,' instead of 'I was rejected.'
Then focus on your strengths, talents and values, even if not directly related to the rejection. This affirmation broadens your sense of self, so that a threat in one domain does not feel like condemnation of you as a person. When the initial hurt passes, consider whether you can glean any useful information or feedback from the rejection.
If you find yourself repeatedly ruminating about past rejections or worrying about how others will treat you in the future, ask yourself: 'Does it really matter that they think that about me?' You might realize the actual consequences are minimal or nonexistent. Another strategy is to think about how much someone's opinion of you will matter in a week, a year or 10 years.
Finally, give yourself some grace when you feel down about rejections or obsess about people liking you. We are built this way, and beating yourself up will only make it worse. Even better, rely on those who love you to feel the balm of human connection and reinforce your positive qualities.
To be human is to (sometimes) face rejection. While it is natural to care whether people like us, you can learn to become more resilient to others' negative views at any age. That resilience, in turn, will help you to keep putting yourself out there.
Jelena Kecmanovic, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in the Washington area and a professor at Georgetown University. Her Substack is No Delusions with Dr K. Psychologist.
If you have a question for a therapist about mental health, relationships, sleep, dating or any other topic, email it to AskATherapist@ and we may feature it in a future column.
