Latest news with #parentingstyles
Washington Post
15 hours ago
- General
- Washington Post
Will hugs make my 4-year-old son ‘soft'? My wife and I argue about this.
My wife and I have a 4-year-old son. I'm very affectionate with him — I hug him a lot, tell him I love him and comfort him when he cries. But my wife is starting to express concern that I'll make him 'soft.' We both came from strict households but apparently drew different lessons from it. I think showing love and emotion is healthy for boys and, frankly, wish my father hadn't been so tough on me and had shown more love. She thinks that boys need a firm hand and has more of a tough-love approach. We're both good parents, but this is starting to create real tension. How do we resolve a parenting difference that touches on something so personal?
CTV News
23-05-2025
- General
- CTV News
What ‘gentle parenting' does for your kids
'Back in my day,' some grandparents say to their adult children, 'we didn't let our kids speak without being spoken to or talk back to without a spanking or question every parental decision without a consequence.' What did happen to time-outs? Or 'I'll give you something to cry about?' There's a certain segment of parents who reject that form of parenting for something they say may work better, called 'gentle parenting.' If you hear the term and roll your eyes, and we know that's likely — pause for a second. Gentle parenting is often misunderstood and taken to mean coddling, said Dr. Brian Razzino, a licensed clinical psychologist in Falls Church, Virginia. That's not the case. Gentle parenting –– or what many people mean when they talk about it –– is often about teaching skills for adulthood and enforcing boundaries, and it has a lot to offer families, he said. This strategy is becoming popular as nearly half of parents say they are trying to raise their children differently than how they grew up, according to a 2023 report from the Pew Research Center. Those parents said they were looking to give their children more love and affection, having open, honest conversations and yelling less and listening more. The problem is that many people, even those who call themselves gentle parents, differ on the specifics. Here is what you need to know about the latest parenting trend. The main parenting styles Psychological researchers have identified four main parenting styles: neglectful, authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. Neglectful parenting has neither high levels of warmth toward the child nor rules on a child's behavior, said Nicole Johnson, a licensed professional counselor in Boise, Idaho. A kid may act out and break a toy and not get much response from their neglectful parent, who might not have attended much to how they were playing anyway. Authoritarian refers to parenting that focuses on obedience and punitive response –– think 'because I said so,' Johnson said. The child who broke the toy would likely be yelled at and sent to time-out by the authoritarian parent without much conversation beyond that. Permissive parenting focuses on warmth toward children, but without much structure or boundaries, she added. That parent would acknowledge that the child probably broke the toy out of frustration but wouldn't follow up on consequences. Authoritative parenting seeks to strike a balance between structure and warmth. 'It's more focused on the idea of improving their ability to understand what's going on with themselves, their own feelings,' Razzino said. 'The parents are really focused on having that empathy for the child and respect when they when they talk with them, and that their feelings are valid.' Still, they are 'maintaining some very firm, clear limits.' Gentle parenting is not listed among the main parenting styles. While it is popular on social media, it is a relatively new term that hasn't been described much in the scientific literature. What do influencers mean by 'gentle parenting'? Researchers Annie Pezalla and Alice Davidson sought to investigate what parenting influencers on social media meant when they talked about gentle parenting in a 2024 study. 'Those who identified as gentle really prioritized emotion regulation. These are parents that are wanting to maintain calm at all costs, if at all possible, (including) their energy and emotions,' said Pezalla, visiting assistant professor of psychology at Macalester College in St. Paul, Minnesota. 'They do look like authoritative parents, for the most part, to us, like they're trying to hold boundaries and practice consequences with their kids,' she said, 'even though they showed the kind of no-holds-barred affection to their kids that typically permissive parents show.' Gentle parenting, like authoritative parenting, emphasizes the importance of boundaries while maintaining warmth and empathy, she said. However, the concept plays out differently in different families. In her research, Pezalla asked parents who identified as gentle parents about their practices. While some resembled authoritative parents, others acted in ways that fell more in line with a permissive style, she said. Ultimately, much of what people refer to as gentle parenting on social media is just another term for authoritative parenting: maintaining connection with the child, teaching them to regulate their emotions and behavior, and enforcing boundaries as a caring authority figure, said Razzino, who is also the author of 'Awakening the Five Champions: Keys to Success for Every Teen.' Are we being too soft on kids? Imagine a child is throwing their food off their plate and onto the floor. A permissive parent might say, 'please don't do that,' and then do nothing else to enforce a boundary. An authoritarian might glare sternly and immediately move to a time-out or spanking or to send their child to bed hungry. An authoritative parent, which is what many people mean when they identify as a gentle parent, might say, 'I can see you're feeling playful, but food stays on the plate. I can give you something else to do with your hands while we have dinner, but if you throw it again, I am going to have to take the plate away,' Razzino said. Some people critique this way of parenting as being too soft on kids, saying that the world is harsh and kids will need to learn to deal with that, Johnson added. But the goal of this parenting style isn't to shield your child from accountability; rather it is to get to a calmer place for the parent and child, give kids tools for making good choices, and then enforcing a boundary with logical consequences, she said. Logical consequences are ones that relate directly to a behavior: If you smack your friend with a truck, the playdate will be over, Razzino added. For the people who understand gentle parenting as a form of authoritative parenting, there are two parts: validating that you understand the feelings they are experiencing and teaching that not every way of expressing those feelings is acceptable or productive, Johnson said. It is important to neither skip the validation step nor get too bogged down in it, Razzino added. At some point, it is important to move from talking about the feelings to making plans on how to regulate the difficult emotions and what consequences will happen if the unacceptable behavior continues. And this approach has been shown in research to be effective in raising more healthy, resilient, successful adults, Razzino said. One 2022 study found that children raised with an authoritative parenting style were more likely to achieve academically. Another study in 2020 found that a lack of this parenting style was the most important factor in low life satisfaction. We need to go easier on parents There is a downside to authoritative or gentle parenting. Staying calm, validating your child's feelings, explaining a boundary and the consequences of breaking it, and then following through with a rational consequence is a lot of work, Pezalla said. It's even more work if you weren't parented with a lot of warmth and empathy, Johnson added. With so much pressure to parent perfectly, many parents feel burnt-out trying to adhere too strictly to gentle parenting practices, according to Pezalla's research. Gentle parents 'are working so hard to be emotionally regulated 24/7 that they are burning out,' she said. 'That's what we found in the article that we published … they're stressed out of their minds.' Some online parenting influencers will say that you can't use the word no, that you have to say no, that you should pause in a grocery store meltdown to give a hug, or that you need to scoop your child up from the store floor and not allow them to continue the tantrum there, Pezalla said. Instead of worrying too much about following the one right philosophy, Pezalla recommends prioritizing the four things she has found to be what every kid needs growing up. Those include structure, warmth, acknowledgement as an individual who may need something different from their siblings, and an approach that prepares for parenting as a long game, she said. 'Everything else is like static noise to me,' Pezalla said. 'It's like the same general authoritative parenting styles, just, we're calling it something different.' And don't worry if you mess up, lose your temper or change your mind on your parenting approach, Johnson said. Kids don't need a model of a perfect human, they need to see an adult who is trying their best to be a positive authority figure, striving for empathy, practicing regulating themselves, and taking accountability when they get it wrong, she added. Hopefully, that model will be a roadmap so they can grow up doing those things, too.
Yahoo
11-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
What Is ‘Lighthouse Parenting'? A Child Psychologist Shares the Benefits
Parenting isn't simply straightforward parenting these days. Currently, psychologists have taken to naming and defining different variations of parenting, from 'commando parenting' to 'FAFO parenting' to 'free range parenting.' But have you heard of one of the latest terms to start getting buzz—'lighthouse parenting'? These days, gentle parenting, attachment styles and common mistakes made by moms and dads seem to get most of the public's attention—after all, there are phrases that experts recommend avoiding, habits that should be stopped and more. But there are also suggestions on what habits to begin doing instead, which leads us to lighthouse we'll explain the ins and outs of this parenting style, according to a child psychologist. Initially defined by Dr. Kenneth Ginsberg as a form of balanced parenting that's both warm and empathic, essentially, lighthouse parenting provides the structure needed to 'keep children safe from harm and support their growth independence,' says child psychologist Dr. Caroline Danda. This is a form of parenting when parents show up consistently. As Dr. Danda describes, the lighthouse metaphor denotes parents who watch and prepare their children to navigate rocky shores and offer a secure base where children can venture out into the world—but return to their parents for support and guidance. 'Lighthouse parenting is not a new type of parenting, but rather revisits the concept of authoritative parenting, first championed by Diana Baumrind in the 1960s, and how to strategically apply these principles in today's world,' Dr. Danda explains. 'The focus is on developing meaningful, secure attachments through open communication, and setting expectations that allow growth and independence, based on the needs of the child and the environment.' This type of parenting actually tones down the focus on ensuring that kids are happy and successful in life. Rather, lighthouse parenting fosters qualities that can support growth and resilience, and acknowledges the reality that everyone struggles in 10 Things Every Kid Needs To Hear From Their Parents and Grandparents, Child Psychologists Say 'Being a stable force in your child's life means having solid ground underneath your feet,' says Dr. Danda. 'If we want our children to grow and thrive, we need to be able to embrace being human, taking care of our needs with self-compassion. Our kids trust we can support them and won't be overwhelmed by their challenges.' Lighthouse parenting isn't about being the 'perfect parent.' Instead, it's all about embracing both strengths and flaws, and models a growth mindset, as Dr. Danda says, adding, 'We know that actions speak louder than words.' Dr. Danda says that communicating effectively is a major part of lighthouse parenting, with its core found in active listening. To listen actively, you'll be curious about your child and their perspective, and in the process, you'll make them feel seen and heard. To keep your kids safe while lighthouse parenting, Dr. Danda says that you'll set clear boundaries around safety. 'At the same time, we offer kids gradual independence to take more risks and learn from experience,' she says. 'Essentially, kids know how far they can veer from shore.' 'The key component in building resilience is helping our children learn to embrace uncertainty, knowing they have support, in us and others, to navigate life's challenges,' Dr. Danda says. Although it might feel difficult, within lighthouse parenting, you'll allow your children to 'fail at the little things' so they can build skills from experiences and have 'the knowledge they need to weather the storms,' Dr. Danda shares. Additionally, she says that you'll provide a 'beacon of hope and safety' when you equip your children, as best as you can, with the tools they need and the knowledge you will remain available to support them. 'As children grow and mature, their sense of self evolves,' Dr. Danda shares. 'As parents, we are a reliable source that nurtures their strengths. We see our children's inherent good, no matter their challenges.' Related: These 125 Quotes on Being a Parent Will Give You All the Feelings From her professional viewpoint, Dr. Danda observes that lighthouse parenting is associated with improved academic achievement, social competence and higher self-esteem. 'Because the focus is less on happiness as a measure of success, lighthouse parents tend to be less controlling. In contrast, a helicopter or snowplow parent tries to make life easier for their children but inadvertently undermines the child's ability to gain confidence through mastery. Children may also base self-worth primarily on achievement,' Dr. Danda Why Apologizing to Your Kids Is Important—Plus, Therapists Explain How To Do It Effectively Dr. Danda shares her top tips for exercising lighthouse parenting: Paraphrasing and validating are truly parent superpowers. They slow down the conversation, allow children to feel seen and heard (but it doesn't mean you agree) and give parents time to think through the situation and respond versus react. It's also great modeling for effective communication and the foundation for building meaningful relationships. Listening is essential, particularly when children are sharing problems. Don't jump into conclusions, problem-solving, consequences or lessons to be learned too quickly. Cope out loud. When we cope well, it's usually an internal process of how we go from problem to calming to solutions. In contrast, kids can see when we aren't particularly resilient. Narrate identifying the problem, using self-calming skills and problem-solving. Take care of yourself. Model self-care and self-compassion. Nurture in yourself the same qualities that you want to see in your children. Be intentional and set aside time to reflect. It's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day busyness of life. When we're constantly on the go, we become more reactive rather than thoughtfully responsive. Focus more on nurturing what's going well and your child's strengths rather than constantly pointing out their challenges. I like to say you can focus on pulling weeds, but if you don't nurture and plant the grass, then it's easy for the weeds to grow back. Celebrate and notice effort and qualities more than simply outcomes and achievements. It's through these qualities and perseverance that achievements occur. Prioritize family time, whether it's board games, family dinners, yard work, chores or watching shows. Spend time together. The best conversations often occur in the most mundane moments. Consider family meetings as a way to check in and create a sense of investment in the family. Set aside tech-free zonesand times (like during meals) so there are more opportunities to interact. Up Next:Dr. Caroline Danda, child psychologist.
