Latest news with #psychotherapist
Daily Mail
19 hours ago
- Health
- Daily Mail
Millions stuck on pills that can wreck lives: Years after experts admitted crippling side effects of quitting antidepressants, we reveal doctors are STILL not following these crucial steps to help patients
When Helena Burton stopped taking her antidepressant medication she was gripped by a range of intense symptoms: her face went numb, her brain felt 'like it was being zapped with an electric current' and her entire world seemed unreal. 'I felt like I was going mad,' recalls Helena, 56, a psychotherapist who lives in Essex. 'Coming off the prescribed antidepressant, venlafaxine, after taking it for 15 years felt like there was a bomb going off in my head. But at the same time I was having doctors shout at me that there was no such thing as antidepressant withdrawal.'
Yahoo
a day ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Wedding Dream Meanings, Explained: This Is What Your Pre-Nuptial Nightmares Are Telling You, According to Experts
Wedding-related dreams are common, but they shouldn't take over your subconscious. As one of the biggest occasions in a person's life, it's not all that surprising that you'd dream about your wedding day, particularly in the months leading up to it. "Wedding-related dreams and nightmares might reflect underlying emotions about significant life changes and transitions," says psychotherapist Meghan Watson. "Positive or exciting dreams could signal excitement, confidence, or optimism about moving forward, whereas nightmares could reflect anxiety, fear of the unknown, or worries about expectations and perfectionism. More often, these dreams can indicate areas where one might feel vulnerable or uncertain, highlighting what may need reassurance or clarity." Pre-wedding dreams—and nightmares—are both common and normal. 'If you have a wedding in the works, it is likely on your mind every day, and therefore you will be dreaming about it at night,' dream analyst Lauri Quinn Loewenberg shares. 'Those dreams are actually helping you plan, prepare, perfect, and get your negative issues out of the way so that you can get in the right mindset for the day you get married.'Meet our Expert Meghan Watson, M.A. RP, is a psychotherapist based in Toronto. She is also the founder of Bloom Psychology & Wellness. Lauri Quinn Loewenberg is a certified dream analyst, author of Dream on It: Unlock Your Dreams, Change Your Life, and recurring guest expert on Dr. Oz, The Today Show, and Daily Pop on E! Nicholas Hardy, Ph.D., LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the founder of Hardy Behavioral Health. He is also the host of Untherapeutic Podcast. Layne Dalfen is an author, dream columnist, and expert for Oprah Daily and Psychology Today. In her work, she helps clients take stock in the conversations that play out in their dreams so that they can become better problem solvers, both short and the fact that wedding dreams are normal, they shouldn't be consuming your every waking moment. According to psychotherapist Nicholas Hardy, putting too much stock into wedding-related dreams—particularly the negative ones—could do more harm than good. "There are endless ways we could interpret our wedding-related dreams or nightmares. This makes it extremely challenging (and not always productive) to use our dreams as a predictor of what's to come," he notes. "For instance, if we excessively ruminate on a dream, it can rob us of being present or trigger strong emotions that are difficult to manage." All this begs the question: What are your wedding-related dreams and nightmares trying to tell you? Whether you're engaged and planning a wedding, hoping your longterm partner will pop the question, or decidedly single and years away from saying "I do," there are things you can learn from your brain's nighttime musings. While no two wedding dreams are exactly the same, the experts say there are a number of overlapping motifs that people commonly encounter. Related: Does Sleeping in Two Beds Help a Marriage? Why Do We Dream? Before we can understand what certain wedding dreams mean, we first need to think about why we dream at all. Loewenberg puts it simply: "We dream because we think. Dreaming is a thinking process and our dreams at night are a continuation of our thoughts from the day.' During the day, if we're feeling particularly bothered by something, we're proactive about finding distractions to push the unpleasant or persistent thoughts out of our periphery. At night, though, as we enter into REM/dream sleep, we no longer have the tools or wherewithal to defend against those intruding or non-threatening, yet still all-consuming thoughts. Now, Loewenberg says, 'We are thinking on a deeper, more focused and insightful level because our lights are out, our eyes are closed, the outer world is tuned out—and we're now deeper into our minds, our subconscious, thinking about our lives, our relationships, our struggles, our goals, etc.'Tips Our experts say that if your dreams become repetitive, stressful, and disheartening, this could be a telltale sign that you are putting too much pressure on yourself during the wedding planning process. Take some time to step back and reflect on how things are going, and maybe even take a little break from organizing the details for a week or Do Common Wedding Dreams and Nightmares Mean? Wondering what your wedding dream means? Here are eight common wedding dreams, decoded. The Wedding Dream: Something is wrong with your attire. Dreaming about wedding attire could allude to any anxiety you may have regarding alterations or fit, or it could mean that you are nervous about finding the perfect outfit—especially if you haven't found "the one" yet. This kind of dream can, however, symbolize present tensions about your wedding attire. For example, Loewenberg offers, "If you dream you are trying to walk down the aisle, but a bear is sitting on your train making it impossible to move forward, you could interpret it as a physical nod to the feeling like someone (your BFF, your mother, or your sister perhaps) is being too overbearing about your dress decision.' The Wedding Dream: No one shows up to the wedding. If you're dreaming about an empty ceremony space or being introduced as a married couple for the first time with no one there to clap or cheer, it can mean that you're afraid of bad blood or recent falling-outs being the reason that one or more of your friends or family members don't attend your wedding. It could also mean 'you're feeling like your wedding day isn't as important to other people (your friends, your family) as it is to you.' The Wedding Dream: There are issues with your bridesmaids or you have different bridesmaids in your dream. Loewenberg says that many of her brides have worried about fighting with their bridesmaids in their dreams. 'It's tough to narrow down the select few who get the special honor and privilege of being named bridesmaid, so if you're fighting with the ones you've chosen you might just be wrestling with an internal conflict or angry at yourself over something.' Conversely, whoever is standing beside you in your dreams might be who you're feeling particularly close with at this junction. Maybe you'll want to at least consider adding another bridesmaid if they've shown up for you in ways your other friends haven't as of late. The Wedding Dream: You're running late to your own wedding. Perhaps you've waited so long for this day to come or you are the last of your friends to tie the knot. There are also so many deadlines involved with getting married, so your dreams might just be cluing you in on the closing of those windows. Loewenberg asserts that 'whenever there is a deadline in waking life, we will often dream of running out of time in some form or fashion.' The Wedding Dream: You're marrying someone other than your fiancé or fiancée. If you're dreaming about marrying someone who isn't your fiancé, it might just mean that that person 'symbolizes some good quality, fault, or flaw you're preparing yourself to be committed to." Loewenberg adds, "Walking down the aisle to find your real-life best friend at the altar usually indicates that you can sigh a breath of relief and relax knowing that you and your spouse have a solid and strong friendship and your marriage will be built on it.' The Wedding Dream: You can't find the wedding venue. If you're dreaming about being lost or not being able to find your way to the wedding venue, then it might mean you're feeling some indecision or uncertainty about an aspect of your wedding plan. The Wedding Dream: You're getting married, but you are single in real life. If you're dreaming about getting married, but that is not the case in real life, it might mean that you're approaching some other sort of commitment and not feeling ready for it. The dream is trying to alert you to this turning point via visuals of marriage and exchanging vows. Dalfen encourages the dreamer to look within and question, 'Is my dream pointing me to this commitment for the purpose of grabbing my attention to speak now or forever hold my peace?' If so, then when you wake it's time to take action and not stand idly by. The Wedding Dream: You lost your wedding ring. You're likely feeling like an opportunity, a new job, a new career trajectory, etc. has slipped through your fingers and won't be coming back around. Your frustration and suffering in your dream is likely the frustration, sadness, and disappointment you're experiencing in real life, but not allowing yourself to concede to and heal from. 'We humans are self-regulating. If we hold in feelings and thoughts we experience during the day, our dreams will surely present them to us at night,' Dalfen says. 'It's all for the purpose of encouraging us to bring those feelings out to daylight. In essence, the dreams let the air out of the balloon.' Why Are You Having Wedding Dreams and Nightmares? This may come as a surprise, but you don't need to be actively planning a wedding to have a dream about one. In fact, you don't even need to be in a relationship at all. Whether you are single, dating, or engaged, here are the reasons you might be having wedding dreams. If you're having a lot of bad dreams or nightmares, Hardy suggests thinking about how you've been coping recently. "Stress can also increase the likelihood of wedding-related nightmares," he explains. "Therefore, it's important to maintain healthy habits like exercise, journaling, exposure to sunlight, and connection with others. Because weddings can be so consuming, it's easy to ignore the essentials of healthy, everyday living and solely focus on the wedding." If you're single... If you're single and you'd like to get married one day, then maybe it means you're finally ready to jump into the dating pool and test the waters. If you're single and want to stay single, then maybe a random wedding dream has less to do with marriage and vows and more to do with commitments. Loewenberg shares, 'Is there a lifestyle change you need to commit to? Are you suddenly feeling like you are 'married' to your job? What is it that you need to stick to or that you're feeling stuck to? Your subconscious may be trying to help you decide if this is something you want to be a part of your life 'till death do you part.'' If you're in a relationship, but not engaged yet... If you're dating or living together and starting to hear wedding bells in your slumber, you may be at a crossroads and need to seriously consider whether this relationship is the real deal or just the deal for right now. 'The subconscious puts us in a very real-life scenario so that we can figure out if the experience is something we want or not. How we feel in the dream and when waking up from the dream is often a big clue and a brutally honest answer about where we are emotionally and psychologically,' Loewenberg says. Watson agrees that dreaming about a wedding before you've gotten engaged could be a sign that you're ready for a stronger commitment in your relationship. However, they could also represent growth you're looking for on your own. "These dreams might reflect an individual's desires for personal growth, deeper connection in relationships, or readiness to commit to a new phase or decision in life," she explains. "Conversely, negative wedding dreams might indicate fears or hesitations about commitments or life transitions in other areas." If you're currently planning a wedding... Here's where you'll want to take your dream and cross-reference it with your wedding to-do list. Loewenberg says, 'The more stressed the planning is, the more upsetting or frustrating the [dreams] will be. However, when you take the time to examine the dream and compare the frustration or struggle in the dream to what was going on or what was on your mind the previous day, you may find the dream is actually giving you some pretty good insight and advice!' What to Do When You Wake Up From a Wedding Dream or Nightmare There are points, though, where you may need to filter out or quell the more meddlesome dreams—especially with a wedding date creeping up. "Any little step that can alleviate stress during the day will directly affect the tone of your dreams at night,' reveals Loewenberg. In her experience, many brides and grooms find resolve and comfort in daily dream analysis and reflection via a dream journal. Wondering how to make one? Follow these two steps. Before going to bed, write about your day on the left page of your journal. Include what you accomplished, what you struggled with, what you still need to do, as well as any important conversations you had and what was on your mind the most. When you wake up, write your dream(s) on the right page of your journal. This way, your day and your dream are side-by-side so you can see how they connect. Other options? Seek out professional help. If you already talk to a trusted therapist, Hardy notes that sharing your dreams or nightmares with them can really help you get a handle on why they're happening and how to move forward. Watson agrees, and adds that prioritizing self-care is also important. "For those engaged and experiencing heightened emotional intensity, it's crucial to prioritize emotional self-care, open dialogue, and rest," she adds. And, whatever you do, take a second to recognize that the dream could be exactly what you think it is: "There's the possibility that it doesn't mean anything at all!" Watson affirms. "Sometimes a dream is just that—a dream." Up Next: What Is Sleep Divorce? Relationship Experts Explain This Growing Trend Read the original article on Brides Solve the daily Crossword
Daily Mail
3 days ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
I'm a psychotherapist, this is the scientific reason why pampered celebrities like glamorous millionaire Molly-Mae Hague are NEVER happy... they're addicted to moaning
From the outside, celebrities often seem to have it all: Stunning looks, wealth, a gorgeous partner, an army of fans, an enviable wardrobe, beautiful homes, a dedicated glam squad... so why do so many also have a penchant for complaining? A mental health expert told the Daily Mail that MOANING is addictive, and even the rich and famous can struggle to free themselves from its clutches. Debbie Keenan, a BACP senior accredited psychotherapist, explained that it's human nature to focus on the negatives. This is because our brains have evolved to stay alert for potential dangers and threats—but while they once would have looked like a sabre-toothed tiger or landslide, now we often get worked up about relatively minor inconveniences. Ms Keenan said: 'This is called negative bias, and unfortunately it is more powerful than positive bias. 'Imagine a net, which is your mind, and as your thoughts pass through, only the bad ones get caught, sticking like velcro. 'Thoughts are not facts, we have about 60,000 of them a day and we hang on to the negative ones, we let all the positive ones go! 'If someone said one criticism about you, and 20 other people said positive things, it would be the negative criticism you'd be thinking about tonight.' Last month, former Love Island winner Molly-Mae Hague was blasted by fans for 'always moaning'. The mother-of-one, 26, raised eyebrows when told fans she's 'not done one fun thing all summer' despite glamorous holidays in Dubai, France and Spain, plus a staycation at Center Parcs. She also vented about a disappointing family trip to the Isle of Man with her partner Tommy Fury and their daughter Bambi, 2. It was their first trip out in Tommy's new £86,000 motorhome; but Molly-Mae used the video to complain about the traffic and having to change her daughter's routine—leaving fans shaking their heads in dismay. And there were more moans to come. Speaking in a vlog posted to her 2million YouTube followers, she said: 'I said to a friend the other day, that I'm going to make it to the end of summer having not done one fun thing.' Ms Keenan understands that people naturally become frustrated, but there's a time and a place to let it out—and it's not on social media. She said: 'If you want to vent, social media probably is not the healthiest place to do it. 'When celebrities with millions and millions of followers—from all walks of life, who follow them for escapism—start moaning, it's like they're a standing on a pedestal in a pair of Louboutin heels complaining that their feet hurt while everyone walks around on the pavement barefoot. 'People look up to them, and they're moaning and groaning about things that may be minor. 'They're complaining about their holiday to Dubai and a luxury lifestyle most people can never access, while their fans are struggling to make ends meet. 'It comes kind of from a place of privilege and entitlement and it's kind of a slap in the face for their followers who are struggling. 'You can't help but think, "What's the intent? Why are they doing it? Is it for attention? Is it for validation? Is it self esteem, or is it something deeper?" 'It's quite sad, really.' When Ms Keenan works with clients who are caught up in negative thought loops, she teaches them cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques to help nip them in the bud. 'If you're constantly offloading and moaning, it can become a vicious cycle until you don't even know you're doing it any more,' she said. But when it comes to influencers, the nature of the industry means they are often surrounded by hangers-on and yes men who enable their behaviour, plus adoring fans who validate their every word. Furthermore, moaning can be good for business: so when their monetised videos are clocking up millions of views and generating thousands of pounds, there can be little incentive to change tact. She said: 'They're often surrounded by people pleasers who don't want to call them out on their behaviour. It becomes rooted and ingrained. It becomes a behaviour whih can be quite toxic. 'Because it's not challenged, they're going to do it more and more. 'And when it comes to social media, they're going to do it even more the next day, because people are sympathising and validating what they're saying. 'And even if they're not sympathetic or in agreement with the content, people are commenting and interacting, they are still giving it their attention. 'It can quickly snowball.' Working as an accredited BCAAP therapist, Ms Keenan often deals with clients who can't shake themselves out of a glass half empty mindset, even if they're not diagnosed with depression or another mental health condition. 'The reasons for negative thinking can deep rooted; it might be related to low self esteem or low self worth,' she said. 'They might have learned in childhood that moaning was the only way to get attention, to get validation, to get their voice heard. 'Maybe moaning and complaining was the only way they could get people to listen to them. 'It can be also be a sign of unmet emotional needs. Someone who is constantly moaning may have deeper issues, perhaps they're lonely, or they're isolated.' As the old adage goes, misery loves company—but ironically, incessant moaning can leave you isolated because people can quickly get fed up of making an effort with persistent doom-mongers. 'You could be moaning for decades, and you might find that people stop listening to you,' she said. But, worryingly, things can go the other way. Ms Keenan said: 'Happiness is infectious, but so is negativity—if it's left unchecked, it spreads like water.' Molly-Mae also came under fire for griping to her sister Zoe—who left fans reeling after moaning that her 5* trip to Bali wasn't luxurious as she expected and she was leaving the Indonesian island for the more familiar climes of Dubai—that she had had a rotten summer. Molly-Mae said: 'Zoe, I haven't socialised once. I'm going to get to the end of this summer having not done one social fun thing. 'I haven't a life. That's not good is it. Summer will end and I've not done one fun social thing.' It left some fans open-mouthed as they called out how she failed to acknowledge the three holidays she's already been on this year not to mention a glamorous trip to watch the tennis at Wimbledon while wearing a pricey designer outfit. Ms Keenan said that one of the best ways to combat negativity in ourselves is to face it head on. 'Write down the negative thought, evidence for, evidence against—not your opinion, just the facts. 'Start to learn to be grateful, write down what you have in your life and what's going well, because it won't all be negative, unless you're really in a in bad way. 'When you have a negative thought, take a breath. You don't have to accept it, thoughts are not facts.'
Yahoo
4 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
Your Adult Children Fell Out. Don't Make These Mistakes Now They're Not Speaking
Your children haven't lived at home for a number of years. Yet, all of a sudden, they've fallen out. They won't speak, they avoid each other at family events (or don't show at all), it seems serious. You know you need to stay out of it, because if you take sides, you're ultimately going to ostracise one of your children. But equally the temptation to fix, fix, fix is overwhelming – because that's what you did when they were kids. And they still need you? Right? Charlotte Braithwaite, a BACP accredited psychotherapist and coach, told HuffPost UK: 'When adult children fall out, it can leave parents feeling helpless, unsure whether to intervene or step back.' This dilemma is compounded by the blurred lines of parenthood, she added, as there is 'no ceremonial moment that defines when a child becomes fully independent', and plenty of parents 'continue to feel responsible long after their children have grown'. Why do adult siblings fight? A poll of 2,000 UK adults by NOW found a quarter still argue and compete with their siblings – even though they're now adults. Meanwhile, one third of respondents said that an argument with a sibling has led to a period of not talking to them. Arguments between adult siblings can kick off for many reasons, whether it's unresolved childhood issues (very likely), power dynamics, financial squabbles (also likely), or simply clashing values and personalities. 'Differing values or lifestyles can create tension between people, whether this is due to political differences, contrasting parenting approaches, or conflicting priorities,' said BACP accredited counsellor Jenny Warwick. With siblings, old family dynamics can stick around well into adulthood, too. 'Even though you're no longer under the same roof, the memories (or scars) of childhood roles, rivalries, or perceived favouritism can still shape interactions,' said the counsellor. 'It's easy to slip back into those familiar roles: the 'baby of the family,' the 'middle child,' as well as all the emotions and behaviours that come with them.' Indeed, therapist Ayo Adesioye suggests 'unresolved childhood issues' are likely being reenacted when siblings fight – even if it's not what the argument appears to be about on the surface. Siblings can harbour resentment for a number of reasons 'such as birth order (youngest is the 'baby' of the family and often more protected), the sibling having had complex needs (e.g. learning, health, mental health), a more dominant sibling who naturally takes up more space, or parental favouritism including gender preferences and partiality towards the highest achieving sibling,' she explained. In addition to the deep complexities of sibling relationship dynamics growing up, other triggers for sibling fights can include big family events and milestones, where emotions are heightened anyway – think weddings, funerals, etc – which can 'bring back long-standing resentments to the surface', added Warwick. Then, as parents age and begin to need more support, feuds can crop up once more – especially if one sibling feels burdened with care responsibilities or unsupported. On top of this, Braithwaite suggests that in today's world of 'fractured attention spans and online interactions', many adult siblings are 'entering complex emotional territory with fewer relational skills than ever before'. 'Social atrophy – the erosion of our capacity to engage in nuanced, in-person dialogue – has quietly shaped a generation that often finds it easier to disengage than to repair,' she said. Honestly, it's a wonder really that there are any siblings out there who aren't fighting. What can parents do about it? Resist the urge to fix it While it's heartbreaking to see your children fighting, and you might inevitably want to help restore peace, Roya Rahmanzadeh, a BACP registered therapist, warns against trying to mediate, smooth things over or encourage forgiveness – as it can 'backfire' and adult children might feel like their pain isn't being taken seriously. 'Often, the most supportive thing a parent can do is to stay connected to both children without taking sides, and to accept that reconciliation can't be rushed or forced,' she said. Adesioye agrees: 'A mediator needs to be neutral and objective, which parents often aren't despite their best efforts. 'It may be hard for them to separate their own grievances from the aggrieved sibling or simply just not take sides. Also, sibling dynamics are personal to each sibling and can be complex – a dynamic that even the siblings themselves may not fully understand, let alone the parents. 'Therefore, trying to navigate the maze without fully understanding the inner workings of the relationship could complicate things even further.' Try to be neutral Adult children need to work through their own boundaries and repair things in their own time (if and when they're ready), said Warwick. The counsellor urged parents to avoid taking sides and added: 'Whatever you do, don't share one sibling's complaints with the other' as this can damage trust and deepen divides even more. 'Instead, focus on your own relationship with each child individually,' she advised. 'Keeping your bond with each of them strong and separate from the conflict will help them feel secure, even when they're distant from each other.' Even though you're neutral and won't be getting involved in the conflict, that doesn't mean you have to take a step back entirely. 'Do not ignore what's happening, acknowledge their pain and the fact that it's difficult – then leave them to get on with it,' said Adesioye. 'Recognise that, like anyone, they will grow and learn valuable lessons as a result. You could suggest that they have individual therapy or family/sibling therapy which is a growing trend.' Take accountability While it's not the parent's job to fix the sibling relationship, 'acknowledging any part they may have played in shaping those dynamics can be a powerful act of accountability', suggested Braithwaite. For example, if you believe you might have paid more attention to one sibling growing up, or have previously taken sides that might've fuelled resentment, acknowledging this can be important. 'In systemic family work, this kind of self-reflection can ripple out, easing longstanding tensions and creating space for healing across the wider family field,' she suggested. Look after yourself This period can bring a lot of emotion, and even grief, so it's important to care for your own wellbeing right now. 'Watching your children clash can be enormously upsetting,' said Warwick. 'It's important to remember that it's no longer your role to fix things as you might have when they were little and having a scrap. 'If you're feeling stuck in the middle, talking to a counsellor can be a helpful way to work through the emotions that come with this.' And don't lose hope. Warwick concludes that this disagreement 'may be how things are now, but relationships can and do change over time'. 'Even long periods of estrangement can be followed by a reconnection, so try to stay open to change,' she said. 'In the meantime, rather than forcing them together, support them in maintaining respectful boundaries. This is what lays the groundwork for future repair.' Related... 'I Refused To Give My Siblings Any Of Our Grandma's Inheritance. Am I Wrong?' Youngest Children May Have 1 Health Advantage Over Their Siblings My Siblings And I Have An Unusual Age Gap. Here's What It's Like.
Telegraph
05-08-2025
- General
- Telegraph
My ‘mankeeper' wife always wants me to share my feelings. Why can't she just leave me alone?
So it is called 'mankeeping' now, is it? Not 'nagging', or 'pestering', but a nice touchy-feely expression which gives every woman – especially my wife – the right to badger me multiple times a day about how I am 'feeling'? Last week my wife of 38 years, Diana, reported on this new psychotherapist term, 'mankeeping', in which couples are suffering a detrimental effect on their relationship because women are having to do all the 'emotional heavy-lifting'. 'Mankeepers' grumble that their male partners fail to share their innermost feelings and emotions with them, so they in turn feel shut out of their lives. This very much struck a chord with me as Diana asks me about 10 times a day if I am 'OK'. It drives me crazy – and I think most men will agree. I fear mankeeping will now become the word of the month in our household – and another stick to beat me with. Yet I do not need to be mankept by my wife or anyone else, thank you very much. We men want mainly to be left alone with our thoughts. We are not all emotional husks and we do have deeply felt emotions that do occasionally come out and, yes, need to be talked about. Just not 10 times a day. To avoid the never-ending 'How are you feeling? Are you sure you are alright?' series of enquiries about my health, both mental and physical (we're both now 64 years old), I have adopted a kind of rictus grin to allay any fears Diana might have about my state of mind. Sadly, I don't think it works. I spent 10 years as a TV war correspondent, reporting from Iraq, Kosovo, Sierra Leone and Albania, and, because some of my colleagues now have PTSD, Diana wants me to 'vocalise my fears'. Yes, the plight of civilians I witnessed – brutalised and trapped in these places – during my career did have a profound effect on me, and the memories are very deep-rooted. But that is where I want them to stay. If I opened that Pandora's box in my mind on a regular basis I very much doubt that our marriage – or even myself as a sane human being – would survive. Those memories need to be shared only by the camera operators and other journalists I have worked with over the years, not my wife and children. In other words, people who can relate to those things. When I get together with like-minded people – mostly men, but I also have female war-correspondent friends – we do share feelings and emotions, without the fear that we are burdening someone with them. Because that is how I feel – my emotions are mine. I don't want anyone else dabbling in my soul. Of course not many men have witnessed such trauma – but I think most do feel like me, that they'd rather trundle on from day to day not thinking about anything very deeply, just putting one foot in front of the other, getting jobs done and looking forward to a beer. I cannot understand why women need to take their emotional temperature seemingly 20 times each day and tell each other everything. It's as if they are constantly mentally patting themselves down, asking: 'Am I happy?' Men are not like this. We deal in facts and realities, and practical issues such as: 'Must get more AdBlue for the car.' When my wife looks at me with that annoying 'caring' expression and asks: 'What are you thinking?' I have to swiftly make something up on the spot that I think will please her, when the real answer is 'nothing whatsoever'. The term mankeeping was coined by postdoctoral fellow Angelica Ferrara, a postdoctoral scholar at America's Stanford University, and a visiting fellow at the London School of Economics. The term, she says, 'describes the unreciprocated work that women do to manage the emotional and social needs of the men in their lives, an under-recognised form of labour resulting from men's declining social networks'. Now hold on there! I have quite a few close friends, and we talk a lot. OK, mostly about cars and football and very little about our feelings – but that does not mean the closeness is not there. It is there, in an expression, in a nod, in a hand on the arm. We don't need to emotionally bleed all over each other to feel our support. I know they are there for me, and would go to the ends of the Earth if I needed them. But we deal with personal issues through jokes and light banter. I rely on them to cheer me up – not constantly mop up my spilt emotions. I can do that myself, thank you. If I really think about it, I don't want to be seen as weak by anyone, especially not my wife or children. That's my self-worth as a man. I remember an episode in the TV show Friends where one of the characters complains that her boyfriend has never cried. She pursues him until he breaks down and suddenly, he can't stop weeping. Soon after, she leaves him. Point proven! I hate crying in front of my wife. She says it is a 'strength' but to me, I have failed if I let go to that extent. That isn't my role. I would far rather unburden myself to people who really know what I am feeling inside – and this only very occasionally. In many ways this has been very helpful to us as a couple – I hope my wife now understands that emoting all over the place makes me feel much worse, not better. I don't enjoy it. I find it confusing and hurtful, and it stirs up way too much inside. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe in stoicism and presenting a brave face to the world. And, at the end of the day, I like to know I've kept my head down, worked hard and earned a drink. We really are that simple.
