Latest news with #relationshipdynamics

My boyfriend is almost perfect – but he's too vanilla in bed

The Guardian

08-07-2025

General
The Guardian

My boyfriend is almost perfect – but he's too vanilla in bed

I'm a woman in my early 30s, and after dating my male partner for seven months I've become frustrated by his vanilla and mundane sexual preferences. This makes me feel bad about myself, because he is perfect in all other ways. Not only are we intellectually compatible and share many interests, but he is also kind, caring and romantic. He makes sure I never leave for work without a healthy packed lunch and is full of fun ideas for our outings. He makes me feel safe and secure. I had an unstable childhood and am not on speaking terms with my father. With my boyfriend, I am able to open up about this. In the past, I dated difficult and unreliable men with whom I could nonetheless indulge in kinky sex, role-playing and other experimentation – and I always loved that part of the relationship. When I try to initiate this with him, he rejects it; he once said he finds it degrading to women. Sometimes I fantasise about having sex with more adventurous partners, but I can't stand the thought of losing such a wonderful partner with whom I can build a future. Endowing a partner with fatherly attributes is a fairly certain way to dampen eroticism. This process is often an unconscious one – as it undoubtedly is in your case – but when a relationship feels familial at some level, whether mother-child, brotherly, sisterly or fatherly, the deep-seated incest taboo renders sexual contact distasteful. Many relationships fall into such patterns, and this is particularly understandable when adults have emerged from unresolved traumatic childhood patterns such as longing for an unavailable parent, or being a survivor of familial abuse. The task of developing a relationship into a healthy, fully adult union is rarely easy, because people tend to gravitate towards what the 'child' part of them needs. Think carefully about the father-daughter dynamic within your relationship and, if you want to desire him, experiment with identifying and changing overly familial aspects that remind you of unrequited childhood needs. Make your own lunch. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to (please don't send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

The Guardian

08-07-2025

General
The Guardian

My boyfriend is almost perfect – but he's too vanilla in bed

2 Signs That You ‘Under-Function' In Relationships, By A Psychologist

Forbes

07-07-2025

General
Forbes

2 Signs That You ‘Under-Function' In Relationships, By A Psychologist

Being the 'easygoing' one in love can feel safe. But if you're always deferring, avoiding or waiting ... More for them to lead, it's time to take a closer look. It's natural for a relationship to have days where one partner takes on more than the other. Relationships are not about keeping score or splitting everything evenly, but rather about showing up for each other in ways that feel balanced over time. While most people recognize when they're doing too much in a relationship, like taking on all the planning, emotional labor or decision-making, it can be harder to be honest with yourself when you're the one doing too little. This may not be very evident to you at first if it's become a habit, but it might be showing up in subtle ways in your relationship, such as you pulling back emotionally, waiting for your partner to lead or assuming they'll handle the hard parts. This dynamic is known as 'under-functioning.' It's a relational pattern where one person consistently avoids responsibility, emotional presence or initiative, often without realizing it. To build a healthy relationship, it's important to recognize such imbalances. This pattern can sneak up on you, especially when it comes from fear, burnout or not knowing where you fit into the dynamic. Know that it is possible to shift this dynamic once you acknowledge where you may be falling short without realizing it. Here are two signs you may be 'under-functioning' in your relationship. 1. You Rely On Your Partner For Emotional Regulation One common sign of under-functioning is emotional outsourcing. This might happen when you rely too much on your partner to manage, soothe or fix you in some way. You might find yourself waiting for them to make things feel okay when you're upset or expecting them to steer every difficult conversation. While it's easy to think that this pattern is about being 'too needy,' the truth is that it can often be rooted in deeper conditioning. It could be how you learned, over time, that your needs would only be met if someone else stepped in. Maybe you grew up in an environment where emotions weren't handled openly, or where someone else always took the lead. A 2024 study explored how emotional regulation difficulties might explain the link between insecure attachment styles and emotional dependence in romantic relationships. This study specifically examined whether that relationship is indirectly shaped by a person's ability (or inability) to regulate difficult emotions. To examine this, researchers analyzed data from over 700 young adults aged 18 to 30, comparing emotional regulation and dependence levels across three attachment styles: secure, preoccupied and dismissing. Researchers found that individuals with a dismissing attachment style, that is, those who tend to avoid closeness and suppress emotional expression, reported both higher emotional dependence on their partners and greater difficulty regulating emotions. This was especially true when it came to rejecting or avoiding negative emotional experiences. The study also confirmed that these difficulties with emotional regulation partly explain why dismissing attachment is linked to dependence. These findings suggest that what may appear as emotional detachment on the surface can mask an underlying emotional reliance on partners, which is driven by an inability to process uncomfortable feelings independently. The researchers recommend that interventions targeting emotional dependence should focus on helping individuals develop greater tolerance and management of negative emotions. If you recognize this pattern in yourself, the solution isn't to shame yourself or to toughen up emotionally, either. The real work lies in reclaiming your emotional space. This can easily start by building your capacity to sit with difficult feelings instead of outsourcing them. It may not seem easy at first, but you can start by naming what you feel and holding emotional discomfort without immediately needing your partner or anyone else to fix it. While you make this shift, it's important to keep in mind that you don't need to distance yourself from your partner to do this work. You can still let them support you and walk alongside you emotionally. The difference is that you must learn to hold space for yourself first so that their presence becomes an added layer of support and not your only lifeline. In doing so, you make the shift from needing your partner to carry your emotional weight to inviting them into a more balanced connection. This is not just healthy for the relationship, but will also feel liberating to you individually. 2. You Lose Your Sense Of Self In The Relationship Another telling sign of under-functioning in a relationship is when you lose your sense of self in the name of love. This may not even look like dysfunction on the surface. While it may seem like you're being 'low maintenance' or 'easygoing,' you may eventually feel like your voice, preferences and boundaries begin to blur or disappear altogether. Compromise is natural in love, but self-abandonment is not. Often, what looks like 'going with the flow' is really a quiet fear of disrupting the connection. This eventually creates an invisible imbalance in the relationship. When one partner consistently under-functions by silencing themselves, avoiding disagreement or waiting for the other to lead, it shifts the emotional weight of the relationship onto the other person. Without realizing it, the relationship can start to operate like a system of emotional over-functioning and under-functioning, where one person takes more responsibility for the emotional health of the relationship, while the other slowly disappears into passivity. A 2019 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, combining insights from Self-Determination Theory and Family Systems Theory, explored how two core human needs, autonomy (a sense of self-direction) and relatedness (a sense of closeness), interact in romantic relationships. Researchers conducted three studies involving over 800 participants. They examined how these needs influenced how people responded to their partner's negative behavior, particularly whether they reacted constructively (with calm communication and accountability) or destructively (by shutting down or lashing out). Researchers found that feeling close to a partner led to healthier conflict responses but only when participants also felt autonomous. In other words, people who maintained a strong sense of self were more likely to communicate openly, take responsibility and stay emotionally regulated, even when things got tense. On the contrary, those who felt close but lacked autonomy were more reactive, defensive or emotionally dependent. These findings highlight that when you lose your sense of self in a relationship, you may appear agreeable, but you're more likely to struggle with emotional balance. This affects both you and your partner. So, if you find yourself constantly agreeing, holding back or deferring, it's worth pausing and gently checking in with yourself. Again, the idea is not to blame yourself but rather to come to understand where you stopped showing up fully in your relationship. Naturally, this change will not occur overnight. It does not mean you have to suddenly become louder or more assertive. Let it begin gradually with small acts of self-acknowledgment, in moments where you choose to stay connected to your thoughts, feelings or needs, even when it feels easier to let them slide. It might look like voicing a small opinion when you usually stay silent. Or noticing where you've started to mold yourself around someone else's comfort instead of honoring your own. Constantly remind yourself that true closeness isn't about erasing yourself to stay connected. It's about bringing your whole self into the relationship, including all the messy feelings, deeper needs and unfiltered thoughts. That's the version of you your relationship needs, and that's where intimacy deepens. Under-functioning doesn't always appear as clear red flags or dramatic breakdowns. It usually hides in emotional habits you quietly pick up over time, without realizing it. Taking responsibility for these patterns starts with becoming aware of where you may be emotionally shrinking, avoiding or leaning too heavily. Love thrives when both partners show up as themselves, whole and engaged. A truly healthy relationship is when two people are willing to meet themselves fully and then meet each other from that place. Could you be under-functioning without realizing it? Take this science-backed test to find out if you're authentically showing up in your relationship: Authenticity In Relationships Scale

15 Behaviors That Make Women Finally 'Snap' In Their Marriage

Yahoo

30-06-2025

General
Yahoo

15 Behaviors That Make Women Finally 'Snap' In Their Marriage

Navigating the intricacies of marriage is a journey, one adorned with both delightful highs and challenging lows. Yet, there are certain behaviors that, when left unchecked, can make even the most patient of wives finally 'snap.' Here's a compelling exploration of those often-disregarded dynamics that can unravel the threads of matrimony. When you are emotionally neglected, it feels like you're living in a ghost town, albeit a beautiful one. Your partner may be physically present, yet their emotional investment is absent, leaving you alone in the relationship. A study by Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute reveals that emotional neglect can be even more damaging than open conflict. This lack of connection erodes the foundation of intimacy, leading many women to reevaluate their marital vows. The emotional vacuum often goes unnoticed at first, masked by daily routines and responsibilities. You might dismiss it as a phase, attributing it to stress or busyness. However, over time, this void becomes glaringly apparent, manifesting in resentment and loneliness. It's a stark reminder that marriage requires not just presence, but wholehearted engagement. Nobody enjoys feeling like they're under a microscope, especially when it's wielded by the person they love. Constant criticism can chip away at your self-esteem, making you feel inadequate in your own life. When every action is scrutinized and every decision questioned, it's no wonder that patience wears thin. The relentless barrage of negative feedback can transform a once harmonious partnership into a battleground of resentment. The damage of constant criticism is insidious, often creeping in under the guise of "constructive feedback." But when the critique outweighs the support, it creates a toxic atmosphere. You start to question your worth, and the relationship begins to feel more like a trial than a partnership. In the end, it becomes a fight not just for validation, but for survival. Money matters can be a loaded topic, especially when deception enters the picture. Financial infidelity, as coined by Dr. Terri Orbuch, a professor at Oakland University, is a growing concern in marriages. This involves secret spending, hidden debts, or undisclosed accounts, eroding trust and creating a chasm in the partnership. The betrayal is not just about the money but about the dishonesty that undermines the entire relationship. You might find yourself in a scenario where you're blindsided by a secret stash of credit card debt. Or perhaps it's an undisclosed bank account that's been quietly accruing funds. Such revelations are not just about finances; they represent a breach of trust that is hard to mend. Once this trust is fractured, the path to reconciliation is fraught with doubt and suspicion. Feeling underappreciated in your own home is a special kind of isolation. When your contributions are overlooked or taken for granted, it's as if you're invisible in your own life. This lack of recognition can be profoundly disheartening, leading to a chasm between expectation and reality. It's an all-too-common scenario where small, thoughtful gestures go unnoticed, and effort is unrewarded. The gradual build-up of neglected appreciation is often overlooked until it's too late. You start to wonder if your sacrifices are even worth it, questioning the very fabric of your relationship. The truth is, acknowledgment and gratitude are powerful motivators in any partnership. Without them, the foundation of love and commitment begins to crumble. The modern marriage may promise equality, but the reality often falls short. A study by the Pew Research Center points out that women still shoulder a disproportionate share of household duties. When one partner disproportionately bears the brunt of domestic chores, it breeds resentment and fatigue. This imbalance is not just a logistical oversight; it's a testament to underlying gender dynamics that haven't evolved with the times. Conversations about equality often hit a wall when it comes to household responsibilities. You might find yourself juggling work, childcare, and household chores while your partner remains oblivious. This persistent imbalance can lead to burnout, resentment, and a feeling of being trapped in an unending cycle. In the long run, it's a recipe for discontent and disengagement. Silent treatments and unsaid words can be as destructive as a shouting match. Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship; without it, misunderstandings and assumptions take root. When dialogue turns into monologue, and important conversations are sidestepped, emotional distance grows. You find yourself navigating a minefield of unspoken grievances and unresolved issues. The absence of meaningful conversation can make the relationship feel hollow and stagnant. You're left guessing your partner's thoughts and motivations, leading to frustration and emotional fatigue. This communication breakdown is often a slow burn, gradually escalating from minor disagreements to significant rifts. Without intervention, it becomes a chasm that is difficult to bridge. Being told you're overreacting or imagining things is a quick way to feel undervalued. This dismissal of your emotions invalidates your experiences and erodes your sense of self-worth. Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, emphasizes the importance of empathy in relationships. When your feelings are consistently brushed aside, it signals a lack of empathy and understanding that's vital for emotional intimacy. It's more than just hurtful; it's damaging to the trust and respect that a marriage should be built upon. When your partner dismisses your feelings, it sends the message that your perspective is irrelevant or trivial. Over time, this pattern of invalidation can lead to withdrawal and emotional shutdown. It's a clear sign that the emotional contract of the marriage needs serious reevaluation. Infidelity is often viewed as the ultimate betrayal in a marriage, and for good reason. It shatters the foundation of trust, leaving both parties grappling with a mix of emotions. While some may argue it's a symptom of a larger issue, the act itself is undeniably destructive. The discovery of an affair is typically a devastating blow that's difficult to recover from. The aftermath of infidelity is a tumultuous period of confusion and heartbreak. You're left to question the authenticity of your shared history and the future you've envisioned. It's a betrayal that goes beyond the physical act, affecting the emotional and psychological dimensions of the relationship. Rebuilding from this fracture requires immense effort and often professional guidance. Nobody wants to be belittled, especially not in front of others. Public disrespect, whether intentional or not, feels like a betrayal of trust and loyalty. When your partner makes disparaging remarks or jokes at your expense, it undermines your confidence. This behavior is not only hurtful but also signals a lack of respect and consideration. The sting of public disrespect lingers long after the incident. It's an embarrassment that feels both personal and public, leaving you questioning your partner's regard for your feelings. This can quickly foster resentment and distance, creating an emotional divide. Respect, both in private and public, is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Promises may seem like mere words, but they carry the weight of commitment. When promises are broken, it feels like a betrayal of trust and integrity. Each unfulfilled promise chips away at the foundation of the relationship, creating cracks that grow over time. It's a reminder that actions often speak louder than words. You're left to navigate a landscape of disappointment and disillusionment when promises are carelessly broken. Trust is a fragile thing, easily tarnished by repeated letdowns. The cumulative effect of these broken commitments can lead to a profound sense of instability and insecurity. It's a cycle that, if not addressed, can lead to the eventual unraveling of the marriage. When your priorities no longer align, the relationship begins to drift into unfamiliar waters. Whether it's career ambitions, family planning, or personal values, misalignment creates tension. It's like trying to steer a ship with two captains charting different courses. This discordance breeds conflict and dissatisfaction, undermining the partnership. Misaligned priorities often surface during major life decisions. You find yourself at a crossroads, torn between your partner's expectations and your own aspirations. It's a struggle that tests the flexibility and understanding of both parties. Navigating this requires open dialogue and a willingness to compromise, but without it, the marriage is on shaky ground. Affection is more than just a gesture; it's a vital form of communication in a relationship. When affection is withheld, it communicates distance and disconnection. The sudden absence of touch and tenderness can feel like an emotional cold shoulder. It's a silent yet powerful signal that something is amiss. Without affection, the relationship becomes mechanical and devoid of warmth. You're left feeling unloved and undervalued, questioning the depth of your partner's feelings. This lack of intimacy can lead to feelings of isolation and frustration. Reigniting the spark often requires intentional effort and vulnerability from both partners. Marriage is a dance of give and take, requiring both partners to meet halfway. When one party refuses to compromise, it creates an imbalance that's hard to maintain. This stubbornness can turn minor disagreements into major conflicts, eroding goodwill and cooperation. It's a rigid stance that signals a lack of empathy and flexibility. The refusal to compromise often stems from deep-seated beliefs or fears. You find yourself caught in a tug-of-war, with one person unwilling to budge. Over time, this stubbornness leads to resentment and a breakdown in communication. The relationship devolves into a power struggle rather than a partnership. Carrying the baggage of unresolved past issues into the present can weigh heavily on a marriage. When old wounds are left to fester, they infect the relationship with bitterness and mistrust. It's like continuously picking at a scab that never heals. This unresolved history can resurface in unexpected ways, sabotaging the potential for growth and healing. You're trapped in a cycle where the past is always lurking in the shadows. It's a constant reminder of pain and disappointment, tainting new experiences. Without addressing these lingering issues, the marriage remains mired in old grievances. Healing requires honesty and courage to confront and resolve the ghosts of the past. Boundaries are essential in maintaining respect and individuality within a marriage. When these boundaries are ignored or violated, it feels like an invasion of personal space and autonomy. Boundaries protect emotional, physical, and mental well-being, providing a framework for mutual respect. Disregarding them can lead to a loss of identity and personal freedom. The violation of boundaries often starts subtly but can escalate over time. You may feel pressured to conform or sacrifice your needs for the sake of the relationship. This disregard underscores a lack of understanding and respect for your individuality. Upholding boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship.

2 Ways To Rewrite Your Relationship Dynamics, By A Psychologist

Forbes

06-06-2025

General
Forbes

2 Ways To Rewrite Your Relationship Dynamics, By A Psychologist

Does your relationship feel stuck in a loop, where you've tried everything to fix certain issues, yet they keep resurfacing? If this sounds familiar, you might need to change where you're doing the 'fixing.' Your focus might be on the surface issues, which are merely the byproducts of deeper patterns that control your relationship dynamics. Many relationship patterns you may decide to start working on, like communicating better, spending more time together or setting boundaries, aren't necessarily where the work starts. The more insidious patterns may stem from the roles you and your partner may have slipped into over time. These can look like the moments you hold back, overextend or wait for the version of them you hope will show up. Rewriting your relationship simply means becoming aware of the invisible patterns shaping your connection and making the conscious choice to show up differently. The point here is to slowly change the unsaid script that runs your relationship by taking responsibility for your part in the pattern from a place of clarity. Here are two ways to rewrite your relationship dynamics to change the way you engage in the connection. In some relationships, the dynamic dictates that you're not attached to the person, but the emotional experience they evoke for you. You may be addicted to emotional states like chaos, rejection, control or longing. Emotional patterns that feel like 'home' because of the familiarity, despite the pain. In classic research published in The Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, the authors conducted a conceptual and clinical review, combining key psychodynamic theories to develop a framework for understanding trauma reenactments. Research highlights that individuals who have experienced trauma often unconsciously 'reenact' aspects of their past, not out of choice, but as a psychological pattern driven by unmet emotional needs or unresolved pain. These reenactments are categorized into four broad types: This framework can offer insight into why you may unknowingly place yourself in roles or dynamics that echo your original trauma. For instance, someone who grew up neglected may continually find themselves in one-sided relationships, not because they want to suffer, but because that dynamic feels familiar to them or 'normal' to their nervous system. This shows that love, comfort and dysfunction often intertwine, making these patterns hard to spot. But here are a few ways you can begin untangling them: 1. Recognize the emotional roles you both repetitively play. One of you may become the 'fixer,' and the other the 'distancer,' for instance. Even arguments can start feeling repetitive as you play out the same dynamic each time. You can ask each other, 'Are we truly addressing the issue at hand, or are we caught in a cycle that's older than the problem itself?' 2. Recognize what you feel when things are calm. When things are calm, if you feel restless or disconnected, it may indicate unresolved issues. Ask yourself, 'Do I crave intensity to feel close, and does calm feel like something's missing?' 3. Recognize when small things trigger big reactions. A disproportionate reaction to an insignificant situation often reveals deeper insecurities or past wounds that get activated, rather the current situation. 4. Recognize if the relationship is thriving on uncertainty rather than stability. If emotional distance or unpredictability makes you feel more alive or invested, you need to understand that your attachment might be rooted in dysfunction. Together, ask each other, 'What does closeness mean for us — ease and emotional availability, or tension and chase?' 5. Recognize if you are bonded over pain or values. Being 'seen' through trauma can create a bond, but struggling to move beyond it may mean the relationship is stuck in old patterns. Ask each other, 'Are we here out of love and conscious choice, or just comfort in what we've survived together?' You might not immediately understand what's going on when you reflect, because deeper patterns are often difficult to spot. You may even need to seek professional support to work through them, which is completely normal. But recognizing these patterns is the first step in undoing dynamics that may be quietly dominating much of your relationship. That said, this change cannot come from just one of you. It needs willingness and awareness from both partners. Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. What matters more is how you and your partner handle it together. Each person has their own way of managing conflict, so you both must take the time to reflect on your own approaches. People usually view conflict from their own perspective, which that shapes how they respond to it. Interestingly, research also shows that the way you manage your emotions during conflict can change both your memory of what happened and your emotional experience. The study investigated two common ways of managing emotions during conflicts. Here's what the results suggested: The researchers also highlight that the difference in memory wasn't due to how much was said (conversation length) or how participants felt before the conversation started. The effects were specific to the individuals practicing these strategies, meaning each person's emotion regulation style influenced their memory. This matters because sound memories of relationship conflicts and discussions are important, as it helps both partners understand each other's perspectives and work through problems effectively. If suppression clouds the memory of what was said, conflicts may feel unresolved or more emotionally charged, which makes it harder to communicate and heal. To rewrite your relationship dynamic, it's essential to become aware of your emotional habits during conflict and make conscious efforts to move toward healthier approaches as a couple. Based on the research findings, here are some practical ways to better manage your emotions during conflict to enhance healthier communication in your relationship: Remember that the goal isn't to avoid conflicts but to come out of them feeling more understood, rather than more distant. Emotional awareness is what turns breakdowns into breakthroughs. Rewriting your relationship dynamic is less about quick fixes and more about slow and intentional shifts. Often, this deeper work brings up patterns that may be hard to untangle alone and that's where therapy, individually or as a couple, can become a powerful tool. Sometimes, growth means asking for support, so you don't keep carrying what was never yours to hold in the first place. Are you aware of how your conflict style impacts your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Ineffective Arguing Inventory

Latest news with #relationshipdynamics

My boyfriend is almost perfect – but he's too vanilla in bed

My boyfriend is almost perfect – but he's too vanilla in bed

2 Signs That You ‘Under-Function' In Relationships, By A Psychologist

15 Behaviors That Make Women Finally 'Snap' In Their Marriage

2 Ways To Rewrite Your Relationship Dynamics, By A Psychologist

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