4 days ago
I asked my girlfriend to send nude pics to my male pal – but now I fear I've pushed her into his arms
DEAR DEIDRE: I ENCOURAGED my girlfriend to send nude pics to my male pal and it has turned out to be a foolish mistake.
Now I fear I've pushed her into his arms and I'm scared I'm going to lose her.
My partner has an awesome body which she loves to show off — and I can't get enough of it.
She has an hourglass figure with long legs and a tiny waist like Jessica Rabbit.
Knowing how much her body turns me on, she sometimes sends me naked snaps when we're not together to get me in the mood for sex when I come home, or just to tease and entertain me. We've been in a relationship for eight years and are in our mid-thirties.
Recently, I told her it didn't seem fair that only I was able to appreciate her incredible figure.
I said it was a shame nobody else could see the photos she sent me, and would she mind if I shared them with my friend?
She wasn't sure at first but, with a little persuasion, she agreed. I gave her my pal's number and told her to send pics to him directly.
He told me he was impressed.
A few days ago, I then caught her giggling over her phone. When I asked what was funny, she blushed, and said my friend had sent her some pics of his own.
They were of his penis.
I felt insanely jealous — he's very well endowed, far bigger than me.
I then got hold of her phone while she was in the shower and discovered she has started sending him pictures — and even videos — that she hasn't sent me. I feel sick and so angry with myself.
I'm sure they're heading for an affair but I don't know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your jealousy is quite understandable but you didn't think through the possible consequences of your request.
Now, unfortunately, things have taken an unwelcome turn and you feel out in the cold.
But what's going on between them isn't entirely clear.
Perhaps she's upset with you for wanting to share her photos and this is how she's getting her own back. Maybe she thinks it's what you want.
Alternatively, as you fear, she may now have fallen for your friend.
Whatever the situation, if you want to save your relationship, you need to tell her how you feel and ask her to be honest with you.
My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help you both.
I'M AFRAID TO REVEAL OUR MIXED-RACE AGE-GAP LOVE
DEAR DEIDRE: THE woman I'm having sex with is older than me and from a different culture. I'm worried people will judge me.
I'm 25, white British, and she's 38, black African. We met at a church group where we were both volunteering last year. I thought she was drop-dead gorgeous but never dreamt anything could happen.
Then we bumped into each other on the train and she asked if I wanted to go for a drink. We did, and when I walked her home, I kissed her goodbye.
There was so much chemistry between us. She asked me to come in and we had mind-blowing sex.
Since then, we've been seeing each other regularly, having lots of sex and amazing conversations too, but I haven't told anyone.
I think they'll call me her toy boy, or call her a cougar, or make derogatory comments on her skin colour.
What should I do?
If anyone judges you, it's either because they are jealous or racist.
Age-gap relationships and those with people from different backgrounds do have their challenges because you have different life experiences and are at different stages, but they can work.
Enjoy getting to know this woman. Your feelings may grow or fizzle out.
See my support pack, Age Gaps, Do They Matter?, for more information.
HIS LONG LUNCHES HAVE ME WORRIED
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I secretly turned on my husband's phone tracker, I opened a can of worms.
I thought it would be fun to see what he got up to each day, but now I am convinced he's having an affair because he has lied about where he goes for lunch.
I feel so upset but can't tell him why without giving away the fact I've tracked him.
We've been married for ten years and are in our early forties.
I followed his movements for a week – and for three days in a row he went to a cafe near his office and stayed for an hour.
When he came home, I asked what he'd had for lunch. He told me he'd bought a sandwich at Boots the first day, and had something in the canteen on the others.
I know that's not true. He must be meeting another woman at the cafe.
DEIDRE SAYS: Tracking someone secretly is a bit like reading their diary. It rarely ends well.
Your husband may not be cheating. It's possible he lied about the cafe because he doesn't want you to know he's spending extra money on lunch.
But the fact you tracked him suggests a pre-existing trust issue, even if you weren't conscious of it.
Talk to him, explain you're not feeling completely secure in the relationship, and ask for reassurance. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, has tips.
GROOMING KIDS IN HER HOT TUB
DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS horrified to see the middle-aged woman next door in her hot tub with a young boy.
It seemed totally inappropriate and I'm worried the child is being groomed.
One evening, a few weeks ago, I looked out of my bedroom window and saw that my neighbour was in her hot tub. With her was a child, who looked around 11 or 12.
She must be in her late fifties, doesn't have children and is a bit of a loner. I'm 46 and live with my husband and daughter.
I don't know if the boy is related to her but it made me feel very uncomfortable. A few nights later, I saw them together in the hot tub again. This time my gut told me something perverse or evil was going on.
I spoke to another neighbour who said she had also become aware of this and was worried about it. She said she'd seen other children going to the house too, at other times. I think I need to report this to someone but I'm not sure who to speak to.
I'm not certain a crime is happening and have just my instincts.
I don't want to get anyone into trouble if there's an innocent explanation. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: What you describe does sound extremely concerning and you're right to want to tell someone.
You could contact the police or social services but it would be wise to get some advice first.
Don't confront this woman yourself. Call the NSPCC free on 0808 800 5000 to explain your concerns. You can also contact the Stop It Now helpline which helps prevent child abuse ( 0808 1000 900).
My support pack, Worried A Child's At Risk, has more guidance on what to do if you're that worried abuse is taking place.
