Latest news with #selfdeception
Fast Company
17-07-2025
- General
- Fast Company
Can you be too self-aware for your own good?
Few traits are more celebrated than self-awareness, broadly defined as the ability to know or understand yourself. And yet, self-awareness is surprisingly rare. Perhaps this is why we worship and cherish it so much, precisely because it doesn't exist in abundance. Like punctual trains or humble leaders, its absence only seems to increase our collective obsession with it. In fact, evolutionary psychologists have a persuasive explanation: there are clear survival advantages to not knowing yourself, especially your limitations (or as corporate HR calls them, 'development opportunities'). After all, if you truly knew how incompetent you were, you might never leave your bed, let alone apply for that senior leadership role. Consider this: if you are unaware of your shortcomings, you will convince others (and sometimes yourself) that you are better than you really are. Robert Trivers, in The Folly of Fools, showed how self-deception can be a social weapon: delusions of grandeur are not just self-fulfilling, they are contagious. Striking a balance Imagine Donald Trump interviewing for a job in a parallel universe where reality mattered. In a rational world, interviewers would calmly examine whether his self-belief is grounded in facts or fantasy. But in our actual world, we can't even agree whether he's a genius or a fraud: a branding visionary or a human Twitter thread. Similarly, a lack of awareness about actual risks can make you seem invincible. When you confidently stroll into a crisis like a contestant on The Apprentice saying 'failure was not an option,' people might just believe you. We mistake certainty for competence all the time, which is why some tech founders get billions for half-built prototypes, while self-aware geniuses write brilliant Medium posts that no one reads. So yes, you can be too self-aware. There's a fine line between humility and shooting yourself in the foot with a spreadsheet of your flaws. Worse still, in a world where everyone exaggerates their strengths, honesty gets mistaken for incompetence. Just like in a CV, even if you're meticulously truthful, employers assume you're inflating your achievements like everyone else. So when you list 'basic Excel' under skills, they read 'struggles with double-clicking.' Ironically, that means the only way to be taken seriously is to overstate, or risk being underestimated by default. So how do you strike the balance? The secret lies in cultivating internal self-awareness (a sober and honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses) while externally projecting just enough confident swagger to not seem like you're narrating your own therapy session. Think of it as executive peacocking with emotional intelligence. It is better to be internally insecure and externally overconfident, than vice-versa. That said, because others are only able to judge your behavior, what matters is the image you project, irrespective of whether it is authentic or not, a sincere reflection of your self-concept or not, and based on your actual self-awareness or not. To be sure, there are more opportunities to succeed when you show overconfidence than self-awareness in real-life interactions. Some examples? Job interviews: The self-aware candidate says, 'I'm still learning how to delegate.' The blissfully deluded one says, 'I'm a natural leader—people just follow me.' Guess who gets hired? Team meetings: The self-aware person says, 'I'm not sure I have the answer.' The oblivious one says, 'Let's pivot and disrupt the value chain.' Guess who ends up presenting to the board? (Sad, yes, but true). LinkedIn bios: The self-aware write 'curious, collaborative learner.' The deluded write 'visionary thought leader, growth hacker, empathy-driven unicorn wrangler.' Guess who gets invited to speak at Davos? There seems to be no limits to the grandiosity of absurd titles people pick to describe their skills and roles on social media: Digital Overlord, Creator of Happiness, Change Magician, and Accounting Ninja. Ridiculous, yes, but if you go with the modest, accurate versions, namely IT Manager, Customer Service Representative, Organizational Change Consultant, and Financial Analyst, no one will care, remember, or be remotely impressed. You'll vanish into the LinkedIn void, right between 'results-oriented team player' and 'passionate about stakeholder alignment.' Can you fake confidence without deceiving yourself? Absolutely. In other words, you don't have to fool yourself to fool others. That's the magic trick (and downfall) of the modern workplace. Ultimately, true self-awareness isn't about navel-gazing or confessionals. It's about calibrating your self-image with feedback, especially from people who aren't your mum, your dog, or your Instagram followers. It's learning to see yourself as others see you, and then using that insight to pretend you're just a little better than you actually are. And if that sounds manipulative? Congratulations. You're self-aware. Authenticity as performance In my forthcoming book Don't Be Yourself, I argue that success depends less on being authentic than on knowing which version of yourself to perform when the spotlight's on. Of course, not everyone wants to perform. We live in a culture that fetishizes authenticity, as if our raw, unedited selves are always lovable, competent, and fit for public consumption. But the truth is that authenticity is a performance, too. It's just one that's more likely to make others uncomfortable, especially in professional settings. Imagine walking into a boardroom and sharing your unfiltered feelings about imposter syndrome, your recent therapy breakthrough, or your deep existential dread about the company's mission. That's honest. That's authentic. That's also a good way to get sidelined, labeled 'not a team player,' or, worse of all, 'not executive material.' Meanwhile, the person who polished their self-narrative, rehearsed their strategic humility, and remembered to nod empathetically at the right moments will likely be promoted. Why? Because they played the part—and in most high-stakes contexts, playing the part matters more than being the part. Impression management This is not cynicism. This is the reality of impression management, which is not only a survival skill but a professional superpower. In line, meta-analytic research suggests that emotional intelligence is basically impression management or faking good! Your career is less about who you are and more about how convincingly you can simulate the traits others value. Charisma, gravitas, confidence, these are often more influential than competence. Especially if you're a man. Or tall. Or attractive. Or all of the above. It isn't fair, or rational, or beneficial to the world . . . but it is what it is. The good news? You can learn this. You can learn to observe how you're seen, to script your strengths, to soft-focus your weaknesses, and to curate the version of you that fits the room you're in. This isn't selling out. This is growing up. It's understanding that success is not about being true to yourself, but about being true to your potential—and potential, like beauty, is always in the eye of the beholder. So yes, be self-aware. But not so self-aware that you become a philosopher when the job calls for a salesperson, an HR business partner, or a procurement officer. Learn which parts of you to mute, which ones to dial up, and which ones to save for your therapist. That, ironically, is the most authentic thing you can do. After all, the workplace isn't a confessional. It's a stage. As the great Erving Goffman noted, 'We are all just actors trying to control and manage our public image. We act based on how others might see us.'
Yahoo
27-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
15 Lies You Need to Stop Telling Yourself If You Want to Be Happy
It's tempting to cling to comforting illusions about ourselves and the world around us—narratives that soothe us in the moment but ultimately keep us stuck. We tell ourselves these lies to avoid the discomfort of change, to protect our egos, or simply because it's easier than confronting the truth. But if your goal is genuine happiness, these self-deceptions have to go. Here are 15 lies you need to stop telling yourself to clear the way for real joy. Ah, the elusive "when"—the cornerstone of future happiness. You might believe that a promotion, a relationship, or a new apartment will finally bring you contentment. But pinning your happiness on external milestones is a trap that postpones joy indefinitely. According to Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor at UC Riverside, sustainable happiness comes from intentional activities, not circumstances, which account for only about 10% of our happiness levels. Real joy is rooted in the present, found not in things but in moments. When you place your happiness on something yet to come, you make it conditional. You build expectations that, when unmet, lead to disappointment. Instead, focus on the now and savor small, everyday victories—these are life's true treasures. The myth of the modern multitasker is alive and well, but it's not as glamorous as it seems. Telling yourself you can juggle everything without dropping a ball is a recipe for burnout. You might feel invincible right up until the stress mounts and things start unraveling. The key is recognizing your limits and prioritizing what truly matters. Saying no is not a sign of weakness; it's an assertion of self-care. You're not required to wear every hat or fulfill every role. Delegate, defer, and delete tasks that don't serve your core goals. In doing so, you'll find more space for what genuinely fulfills you. Settling for less than you deserve often stems from a deep-seated belief in your own inadequacy. It's easy to convince yourself that you're asking for too much when, in reality, you're just yearning for a life that aligns with your true value. According to Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, embracing your worthiness is crucial for living a fulfilled life. Acknowledging your right to more isn't about greed; it's about honoring your potential. When you stop selling yourself short, you open the door to opportunities that match your authentic self. It's not just about wanting more; it's about realizing that you are enough and worthy of all the good that life has to offer. The pursuit of perfection is a never-ending race on a treadmill of self-doubt. Perfectionism masquerades as a noble quest for excellence but often leads to paralysis by analysis. You may find yourself stuck in a loop, afraid to take action lest it be anything less than flawless. This constant pressure can erode your self-esteem over time. True excellence comes from progress, not perfection. Embrace the beauty of imperfections and the lessons they offer; they're often where the real magic happens. Allow yourself the grace to make mistakes and grow from them. Remember, it's the imperfections that make us human and relatable. Time is the ultimate scapegoat, the universal excuse for not pursuing passions or self-care. Yet, if you dig a little deeper, "I don't have time" often translates to "it's not a priority right now." Research from Laura Vanderkam, author and time management expert, suggests that we make time for what truly matters to us, revealing our true priorities. The key is to audit how you spend your hours and align them with your values. Prioritize tasks based on their importance and urgency rather than their immediacy. When you reclaim control over your time, you'll find it's a more abundant resource than you initially imagined. The illusion of social media perfection has us all fooled to some extent. Seeing curated snapshots of others' lives can create the false narrative that everyone else is nailing it while you're floundering. This perception—rooted in comparison—leaves you feeling inadequate and perpetually behind. In reality, everyone has struggles, doubts, and bad days. You're only seeing the highlight reel, not the struggles behind the scenes. Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on your unique journey. Embrace your path and recognize that nobody truly has it all figured out. The desire to mold someone into a better version of themselves often stems from a place of love or a need for control. However, expecting someone to change for you is a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature. According to psychotherapist Esther Perel, lasting change happens from within, spurred by personal realization rather than external pressure. Investing energy in changing another person diverts focus from your own growth. Instead, work on being a supportive presence while understanding that real change must come from their own desire. In turn, this acceptance provides the freedom for true intimacy to flourish. Believing that your moment has passed is a self-imposed barrier to growth and happiness. This lie convinces you that the ship has sailed and that your dreams are now beyond reach. But history is rich with stories of late bloomers who defied age norms to achieve greatness. Your timeline is your own, not dictated by societal standards or external pressures. Embrace the notion that it's never too late to pursue what ignites your passion. Every day is a fresh opportunity to step toward the life you envision for yourself. The myth of "those people" creates an artificial barrier that separates you from opportunities or experiences. It's easy to label others as different or special, making their achievements seem unattainable. This mindset limits your potential, preventing you from exploring what's possible. Challenge this narrative by recognizing commonalities rather than differences. Understand that everyone starts somewhere, often filled with doubts and uncertainties. Your dreams are just as valid and reachable as anyone else's, and embracing this can open doors you never thought possible. The need for control can feel like a shield against chaos but often becomes the very thing that stifles happiness. When you cling too tightly to control, you leave little room for spontaneity, growth, or the unexpected joys of life. This rigidity can lead to stress and anxiety, creating a false sense of security. Embrace the chaos as an integral part of the human experience. Allow yourself to let go and trust in the process. By relinquishing the need for control, you open up to new possibilities and experiences that can enrich your life in unexpected ways. The two most overused words in the English language often serve as a band-aid over deeper issues. Convincing yourself that you're "fine" when you're not is an act of self-deception that stifles emotional growth. It's easier to gloss over our feelings than to confront the raw emotions lying beneath. Honesty with yourself is the first step toward healing and happiness. Acknowledge your feelings, even if they're uncomfortable or inconvenient. This vulnerability is not weakness; it's the courage to face your truths and to seek support when needed. Money is a tangible barrier, but it can also be an excuse that masks deeper fears or priorities. While legitimate financial constraints exist, often "I can't afford it" is shorthand for "I'm afraid to invest in myself." This mindset holds you back from opportunities that could lead to personal growth and fulfillment. Evaluate whether your limitations are financial or psychological. If the latter, consider reallocating resources to what truly matters to you. When you prioritize spending based on your values, you'll find that investing in yourself is the most rewarding expenditure of all. Busyness has become a badge of honor in modern society, but it often disguises a lack of fulfillment. Telling yourself you're too busy can be an excuse to avoid facing what really needs attention in your life. This mindset keeps you in perpetual motion, but not necessarily moving forward. Take a step back and evaluate where your time goes. Are you occupied with things that are meaningful or merely filling a schedule? Prioritize tasks that align with your goals and passions, and allow yourself the luxury of slowing down to savor life's simple pleasures. The need for approval can lead to a life lived for others rather than yourself. When your happiness is tied to others' perceptions, you sacrifice authenticity for acceptance. This people-pleasing tendency often leaves you feeling unfulfilled and disconnected from your true self. Authenticity is the cornerstone of a fulfilling life. It's impossible to please everyone, and that's a liberating realization. Focus on what feels right for you, and let go of the need for universal approval. True happiness comes from living in alignment with your values and desires. The insidious lie of not being "good enough" lurks in the shadows of self-doubt. It tells you that you're undeserving of love, success, or happiness. But this belief is not only false; it's destructive, eroding your confidence and potential. Challenge this narrative by focusing on your strengths and accomplishments. Surround yourself with positive influences that affirm your worth. Remember, you are inherently valuable, and recognizing this is the first step toward unleashing your true potential.
The Guardian
13-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
The Emperor of Gladness by Ocean Vuong review
Ocean Vuong's second novel is a 416‑page tour of the edgeland between aspirational fantasy and self-deception. It opens with a long slow pan over the fictional small town of East Gladness, Connecticut, beginning with ghosts that rise 'as mist over the rye across the tracks' and ending on a bridge where the camera finds a young man called Hai –'19, in the midnight of his childhood and a lifetime from first light' – preparing to drown himself. There's an almost lazy richness to the picture: the late afternoon sun, the 'moss so lush between the wooden rail ties that, at a certain angle of thick, verdant light, it looks like algae', the junkyard 'packed with school buses in various stages of amnesia'. His poetic credentials established, the author of the bestselling autofictional On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous gives narrative its head. Instead of jumping from the bridge, Hai crosses it, to be adopted on the other side by 82-year-old Grazina, a woman suffering mid‑stage prefrontal lobe dementia. He will become her proxy grandson; they will be each other's support in a crap world. It will be a disordered but productive relationship. Grazina, born in Lithuania, 'an old country, far away', lives on a street known locally as the Devil's Armpit, takes 14 pills a day, and always eats Stouffer's Salisbury Steak for dinner. She needs a carer; Hai, a pillhead in remission but longing to be back in the arms of opioids, needs a more constructive narrative of himself. Between them they invent a role-playing game to bring her down from the destabilising hallucinations and insomniac panics of her disease. Then, as she sleeps, he quietly ransacks her cupboards for prescription medicines. Some of the themes of On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous echo through into this novel. We recognise the familial landscapes of the Vietnamese immigration to the US; the need to manage partly assimilated, dangerously unprocessed generational tensions; the sense of life as the pursuit of a second chance. Complex relations between story and backstory also feature, but at a less demanding scale, producing less of a dense lyrical flicker at the sentence level, more of a traditional juggle with larger narrative elements. This is a huge novel in terms of where it directs our attention: from gay self-discovery to the uses of fiction; from the industrial farming of animals to the drive to write yourself free of the parental experience. As well as chosen family, The Emperor of Gladness is also about the brutality of work. Hai takes a job at HomeMarket, a fast-casual diner chain out on Route 4. There, beside 'smoking vats of vibrant, primary-coloured side dishes' precooked 'nearly a year ago in a laboratory outside Des Moines', he makes more new friends. BJ, the manager, 'six foot three with a buzz cut fade and shape-up', whose ambition is to become a pro wrestler under the pseudonym Deez Nuts; Russia, 'a cuter version of Gollum from The Lord of the Rings', who is actually of Tajikistani origins; Maureen the cashier, an ageing conspiracy theorist who relieves her arthritic knees each evening with a pack of mac and cheese from the freezer. Soon, they are his family too. Family outings include a visit to a slaughterhouse where the barbaric conditions are genuinely difficult to read, and an evening of wrestling at Hairy Harry's dive bar: experiences and situations which move steadily towards surrealism as the novel comes to its climax. BJ's crew are 'just like the people anywhere else in New England. Weatherworn and perennially exhausted or pissed off or both.' The take-home from their state being that, whatever else, the HomeMarket chain offers a tacky but undeniably sensual experience to the customer; and a living, however minimal, for the crew. Where they converge, these two basic socioeconomic goods encourage the emergence of a third: a genuine if brief glow of gladness cast over a life of hopeless situations. Versions of this glow become the real subject of the story. Dwellers in precarity must provide themselves with a narrative future. Some are better at it than others. For Hai – who once told himself the story of 'wanting to be a writer' – such support fictions aren't maintenance-free: after every defeat, every incursion of reality, they have to be repaired and revised. It's hard labour, carried out in addition to his daily struggles to manage Grazina's illness and earn a living. He's not good at it. We're all writers now, Vuong seems to suggest. A cheap dinner eaten at HomeMarket under the kitsch but somehow menacing light of a Thomas Kinkade fantasy painting – 'Beside Still Waters', 'Victorian Family Christmas' – is a story of reward. Two Dilaudid pills, crushed and snorted, are a story about time out. Any economic aspiration at all is so clearly a fiction. This condition is depicted with the authenticity of experience. At the same time Vuong takes it apart with patience and an ear for dialogue: 'I like Nasa – the real kind, not make-believe like Star Trek,' he has Hai's cousin Sony – named after the TV – say. 'My mom likes make-believe, but I hate it. It makes things wobbly.' Heartbreaking, heartwarming yet unsentimental, and savagely comic all at the same time, The Emperor of Gladness is about just how wobbly things can become. The Emperor of Gladness by Ocean Vuong is published by Jonathan Cape (£20).To support the Guardian and the Observer buy a copy at Delivery charges may apply
