a day ago
CHRISTOPHER STEVENS reviews Celebs Go Dating on E4: Television hits the most wretched abyss with this atrocity of a series
Celebs go dating (E4)
Nadir: that's the word. It's the lowest point possible, the utter depths, the most wretched abyss... the very definition of Celebs Go Dating.
This atrocity of a series, which has been running for nine awful years, sends showbiz has-beens and never-weres into a bar full of singles and watches to see if anyone is desperate enough to seek out their company. This time, the celebs have to pick a companion for a week in the Med.
It's a nadir, not only for reality TV but for our entire species. An hour of watching 1990s pop stars and ageing self-publicists flop around like dying fish, gasping for attention, is enough to make you feel that compulsory celibacy might be better for everyone.
That's safer than bumping into former Atomic Kitten member Kerry Katona, who describes herself as, 'best known for being a singer, a mother, a reality star and a car crash'.
Kerry claims to be shy and retiring, which explains why so far, at 44, she's worked her way through three husbands and an abortive fiance.
'I just meet someone and we get married,' she explains, before unleashing a cackle that can shatter Perspex, while scanning the Soho bar for her next victim.
There were gay men too, for 43-year-old Jon Lee from S Club 7
At least KerryKatFlippinTona, as she likes to call herself, once had a hit single. What is Christine McGuinness famous for, apart from being divorced from but still living with Paddy McGuinness?
She tells us repeatedly that she dates women these days. Helpfully, the producers of Celebs Go Dating stocked the bar with a scattering of lesbians, like caterers providing cheese sandwiches for the vegetarian at a buffet.
There were gay men too, for 43-year-old Jon Lee from S Club 7. His 'ideal man,' he said, 'is someone rough around the edges, seems like a quite nice, fun guy, but looks like they can rip your head off with their bare hands if they really wanted to'.
The other two celebs were both twentysomething reality show veterans — Olivia Hawkins from Love Island and Louis Russell from Too Hot To Handle — and they seemed more interested in flirting with each other than mingling.
It's quite obvious that Louis has already met the love of his life... himself. He was the first to pick a date, though he couldn't remember her name: 'I'm pretty sure it's Catherine, or maybe Jenny.' It turned out to be Caitlin.
Commentating on all this is comedian Rob Beckett, with the forced enthusiasm of a Butlins redcoat trying to convince campers that an egg-and-spoon race on a wet bank holiday is the best fun they've ever had.
Rob has never outgrown the infantile slang of his teens, so that his voiceover sounds like it was recorded in the Noughties. Announcing the upcoming trip to the Balearics, he gurgled, 'We're front-loading this mofo with a mega break to Ibiza.'
Serve him right if he ends up marrying Kerry Katona.
