Latest news with #selfreflection
The Guardian
2 days ago
- General
- The Guardian
The noises you make every day fill me with disgust. Now I'm not afraid to tell you
In case you aren't related to me and didn't know, it was my dad's birthday last week. Looking through photos and various paraphernalia to make the perfect post about him that he almost certainly wouldn't see, I found a note I had written to him as a child. In it, using language that would now be considered 'toxic' and 'victim- blaming', I apologise for yelling at him for picking his nose (while also pointing out how disgusting I found it). Not to try and excuse my behaviour which I would describe medically as 'being a little shit', but occasionally in life we can look back at our child selves and understand something we didn't know at the time. This is one of those instances. To me, I can see the little shittery, but I can also see something else that probably caused this behaviour towards my dad, a condition outside my control: misophonia. Now that ADHD has had its moment in the sun, I am here to push for my cause. I have explained misophonia before, but essentially it is a disorder where specific sounds or movements from people around you act as triggers, causing extreme disgust, distress or even hatred. It's not the feeling you get when you're a bit annoyed at someone's open-mouth chewing; it's more like your entire body suddenly overflows with rage and sometimes vomit. The small amount of research into misophonia (it was only named in 2001) indicates it starts in childhood and may initially be focused on one particular family member. Hence, yelling at my dad for picking his nose. Which is disgusting by the way. My misophonic focus soon expanded to the rest of humanity, and since then barely a day has passed in which I haven't experienced some form of trigger. A few days ago I was watching a new Netflix show where one of the main characters was upset by a colleague eating an apple (very familiar) and she said he probably has misophonia, and then explained what it was. I was really surprised by what I felt when she explained it so matter-of-factly, and had it taken into consideration. It was the same feeling I get when I talk to someone else who has this condition, a relief that someone else understands and can give you appropriate support. The feeling that it has been taken seriously as a real thing. Because I know it sounds weird, and probably a bit made up. It's embarrassing to admit that a sound someone is making without even thinking about it has turned your insides into one of those primary school science fair volcanoes with vinegar and baking soda. That you can't listen to a conversation because someone is scraping a bowl. That you can't go to a movie with a friend who slurps their drink too loud. Even though I've written about misophonia, I still find it hard to talk about in real life. I find it hard to admit to a new friend and I find it very difficult to ask anyone to adjust their normal behaviours for me. I don't want to be a nuisance, or burden them. I'd rather put myself through the unpleasantness than ask them to change. But to feel able to ask for these things is a huge relief. Misophonia has clearly been with me forever, but as an adult I've also had the fun addition of some new mental health struggles. I have had a couple of depressive episodes in recent years, one right now as it happens (yes I am a hero), which is another thing I have found it very difficult to talk to people about. I still find it hard to be depressed around other people, even those who love me and will take my company in whatever state it's in. I am on a slow journey with it, but I have found that being open about my mental health with people – employers, colleagues, housemates, etc – has only been helpful. Misophonia feels like a different thing, but it's still related to my mental health – they sort of egg each other on. I am also on the slow journey with talking about it. I want to be more open about it – for most of my life I have gritted my teeth and blocked my ears, only letting the closest people in my life into my unusual reality. It's something that has heavily impacted my day-to-day and I have been too embarrassed to tell most people about it. But alongside society's growing awareness around neurodiversity and mental illness, I am getting better at knowing it is OK to ask people for adjustments to their behaviour, or more care, or a different way of doing things, if it will help. Whether it's depression or misophonia, having it taken seriously by other people is so important. So I am here to start the conversation. I am willing to become the face of misophonia. The face is scrunched up angrily at the sound of someone stirring their tea, but it's out there. In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14 and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat
Forbes
3 days ago
- General
- Forbes
3 Relationship Myths To Let Go Of For Healthier Love, By A Psychologist
Could your beliefs about love and relationships be setting you up for disappointment? Rethink these ... More three myths for a more authentic connection. We all carry internalized beliefs about what an ideal relationship should look like, how love is supposed to feel and how the 'right' person would act in a relationship. These beliefs usually become the guiding factor in how you judge people and show up in your relationships. Sometimes, these beliefs can be misguided, since they're often a product of suggestions from your surroundings. These might be interpretations of love based on the relationships you grew up watching, advice you may have heard in passing or the idealized versions of love you've watched in movies. While these may seem harmless or even helpful, it helps to pause and question the standards you hold for what you think is right or ideal in a relationship. This is because often, it's not the relationship itself that causes frustration or doubt, but the assumptions you may have attached to it. Reflecting on your assumptions can help bring awareness to whether your beliefs are setting your relationship up against an unachievable or impractical standard. Once you begin to reflect, you may realize that some beliefs you've held onto are more limiting than helpful. Here are three common relationship myths you should rethink. It's common for people to believe that partners should always compromise equally in a relationship. This is natural because, in essence, it sounds fair to want a sense of evenness and balance in love. But the reality is, no matter how hard you try, love cannot be a perfectly balanced scale. A relationship involves the coming together of two dynamic individuals, which means effort, sacrifices or needs will not always look the same. Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2012 supports this. Researchers explored the effects of daily sacrifices in romantic relationships on relationship satisfaction and how this might depend on a person's attachment style. They found that the more difficult someone felt their own or their partner's sacrifice was, the less satisfied they felt in the relationship that day. This may be because such sacrifices on either end can be overwhelming for both partners. Additionally, researchers also found that when people made more sacrifices in a day, they usually felt more satisfied in their relationship. However, this largely applied to those with low attachment anxiety. For people high in attachment anxiety — characterized by a strong desire for closeness and a need for reassurance in relationships — making more sacrifices didn't make them feel better. This was probably because they were more concerned about whether their partner appreciated what they'd done for them. Lastly, participants' satisfaction didn't change much based on how many sacrifices their partner made. Researchers suggest that this is likely because they didn't always notice or know about these sacrifices. The main takeaway is that more than the quantity of sacrifices, what matters is how those sacrifices are perceived and felt. Even small gestures can deepen connection when they're made with ease and emotional attunement. It's important to keep in mind that a relationship is not about scorekeeping. Instead, it's more helpful to cultivate open communication and make space for each other's efforts, however big or small they may be. We're often conditioned to believe that a relationship should flow effortlessly or should not feel like 'work' when it's right. However, that's not the reality of a healthy relationship. The truth is, being willing to put in effort and working towards constantly evolving yourself and the relationship is a sign of emotional maturity. 'If it's meant to be, it should be easy' is a very common 'destiny belief;' the idea that two people are either meant to be or not. However, destiny beliefs can be detrimental to relationship longevity. A two-year longitudinal study of over 900 couples found that those who strongly believed their relationship was 'meant to be' started out more satisfied, surely. But they also gradually experienced faster declines in satisfaction over time. This happened because when problems arose, destiny believers often saw these as signs their love wasn't meant to last. Instead of working through difficulties, they tended to avoid tough conversations or even walk away. This is the result of having a very fixed mindset towards love and relationships. In reality, relationships that last have often evolved with conscious effort from both partners. This happens because people who believe love is something you build through patience and growth tend to approach challenges with curiosity rather than panic. So, a healthier approach to relationships is the mindset of 'we build this together.' This mindset helps you embrace growth in love and build a relationship that truly stands the test of time. Another common belief is that you need to be completely healed before you enter a relationship. You may even think, 'I'm too broken to date,' and hold back until you feel perfectly whole. But the truth is that healing is an ongoing process. You don't have to be completely 'fixed' to build a meaningful connection. What's more important is being self-aware and willing to grow alongside your partner to build a healthier and more authentic relationship. A supportive partner can help you become a better version of yourself. No matter how 'ready' you feel, there's still a chance that inner wounds resurface unexpectedly — and that's completely alright. This does not mean you have to avoid being in a relationship altogether. This just means you still get to work on yourself as your relationship evolves. A 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology explored whether providing daily support to one's romantic partner, specifically related to physical activity, could also benefit the provider, rather than just the receiver. Researchers studied overweight and inactive couples, questioning if helping one's partner pursue fitness goals would improve their own health behaviors, emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction. Sure enough, researchers found that on days when people provided more support to their partners, they engaged in more physical activity themselves (measured objectively via accelerometers). They also reported feeling happier, less stressed and more satisfied in their relationship the same day. When your partner supports you, it can be inherently rewarding to them to be of help. It also encourages both partners to work toward shared goals. When both partners show up with awareness, care and accountability, the relationship becomes a safe place for both partners to grow, where deeper healing can happen together. Helping your partner may build a sense of connection and purpose, all of which enhance well-being for both partners. This shows that support strengthens relationships by making both partners feel valued. That said, it's also important to remember that your partner can only support you. It's not their job to fix you, nor are they your 'savior.' The way you take responsibility for your triggers, communicate your needs and show up with emotional honesty is what shapes the relationship. In the end, what truly matters is showing up with self-awareness, a willingness to grow and the ability to offer and receive support. Letting go of rigid relationship myths isn't about lowering your standards. It's a chance to re-evaluate your idea of right and wrong in love. When you challenge outdated beliefs, you can open yourself up to greater emotional growth. Relationships don't thrive because they meet some ideal checklist, but because both people are willing to show up as they are and are committed to co-creating something meaningful. The real magic lies in choosing each other through the discomfort and the healing, over and over again. How many romantic myths do you subscribe to? Take the science-backed Belief In Marital Myths Scale to learn where you stand.
New York Times
3 days ago
- Health
- New York Times
What I Learned When I Went Back to My Old Therapist
Two weeks before my father died last June, I wrote to my old psychotherapist, L.P. We'd exchanged a few brief emails, but we hadn't spoken in 15 years. I hoped she would be willing to see me. L.P., who asked that I use her initials to maintain her privacy, was surprised to hear from me and suggested we meet a few times to see how it felt. Maybe she was simply treating me like a new client, but I wondered if I was being put on probation. I kept thinking about the self-absorbed 20-something who used to visit her office. I could appreciate why she might proceed with caution. I rode the subway to our first appointment, full of questions: What was she like now? Would we still work well together? What if we didn't? L.P. greeted me in the reception area, and her smile quelled my anxieties. We took in the sight of each other: At 53, my hair was speckled with gray, my face a little drawn. L.P., who's almost 20 years older than me, was impeccably dressed in summer layers, her warm brown eyes alert behind tortoiseshell glasses. I was certain she had her portrait aging in the attic.
Globe and Mail
7 days ago
- Entertainment
- Globe and Mail
Your lookahead horoscope: May 25, 2025
Saturn's change of signs on your birthday means you need to bring your more extravagant aims down to earth. Listen to what your friends tell you because they can see you from the outside and will come up with some amazing suggestions. Saturn, planet of restriction, moves into your sign this week but that is not necessarily a bad thing. As the first sign of the zodiac you do need to be restrained in your enthusiasm once in a while, so take the hint and watch your step! Your attitude to material things will change quite radically over the next few days, not least because Tuesday's new moon will call into question if whether your current aims are worth pursuing. True love is always of more value than dollars and cents. Not only is the sun in your sign but Mercury joins it there tomorrow and there is a new moon, also in Gemini, on Tuesday. Put simply, that means this is your best time of the year by far to get creative and get important jobs done. Some beliefs are positive and some beliefs are negative and your task now is to study your own opinions and decide which category each of them belongs to. Change the way you look at the world and the world will look a lot more appealing. You have never felt the need to explain your motives or justify your methods and you are not about to change your ways now, no matter how much pressure others may bring to bear. Be true to who you are and let others adapt themselves to you. Your status in the world at large will come under the spotlight this week and you may have to make a major decision about your career. If you honestly feel that you need to move in a new direction now is the time to make it happen. You may not have concerned yourself much lately with questions of the 'Who am I?' and 'Why am I here?' variety but this week will be different. Your insatiable desire to get at the truth will bring answers to at least some of life's many mysteries. Everyone fears failure at some stage or other but for some reason your own fears have got a bit out of hand in recent weeks. Think of what occurs over the next few days as a crash course in how to embrace what fate sends your way. Expect the unexpected this coming week and you won't go far wrong. Cosmic activity in your opposite sign suggests that loved ones will want to surprise you and will go out of their way to put a smile on your face – which won't be too hard. Your daily routine is likely to be disrupted over the next few days but the good news is that out of that disruption a more efficient way of doing things will arise. Don't reject other people's ideas just because you did not think of them yourself. Cosmic activity in the most dynamic area of your chart means if you want something enough this week you will find a way to get it. By hook or by crook you intend to make the most of the many wonderful talents you were born with. Family matters are under excellent stars, so if there is anything about your domestic situation that you would like to change just go for it. Let loved ones know how much you care and resolve to make harmony at home your No. 1 aim. Discover more about yourself at
Yahoo
24-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
I Used to 'Guilt Declutter' to Help My Anxiety
This article may contain affiliate links that Yahoo and/or the publisher may receive a commission from if you buy a product or service through those links. For a long time I struggled with feelings of guilt for owning stuff beyond what's absolutely necessary. That book? I could have rented it from a local library, so it could be enjoyed by someone else when I returned it. Those clothing items I don't wear as often as other items in my closet? I wonder if I really need to keep them or should be donating them instead. Taking time to reflect and consider whether you truly need an item or value it enough for it to stay in your life are positive things for sure, but it's something I took too far in the past. I went overboard, to the point where I began to feel a sense of guilt about owning almost anything and, in turn, sought to declutter and let go of what I genuinely liked to have around. What I was doing was something I called 'guilt decluttering.' Here's how I was able to overcome it and learn to love what I have instead. 'Guilt decluttering' happens when you feel a sense of guilt for owning things, even if they are things you like and enjoy, because they are something you could live without. The main three pillars behind the guilt fueling my decluttering were feeling that someone else could enjoy or love what I owned more than me, that I was materialistic for owning items solely because I liked them, and shameful for owning excess when others in the world had little or nothing. I'm not a person who even owns a particularly large amount of stuff, but I would look around my home and instead of feeling waves of gratitude for being surrounded by items I connect with and like, I would seek to identify anything and everything I could give away to ease my anxious ultimately led to signs I needed to stop decluttering that I could identify at times but ignored, as well as quite a bit of decluttering regret over the years (unsurprisingly). I still regret to this day letting go of some of the irreplaceable items. I had to reframe my mindset to one of gratitude and acceptance — to learn that owning stuff I like is important and positive, and that having possessions in moderation for the sake of bringing joy wouldn't make me a bad person. That owning stuff wasn't inherently selfish; in fact, collecting, enjoying, and nurturing items a person cares about is very much normal. The first step I took towards learning to love the items I have instead of constantly wondering what to let go of was being honest with myself about the problem, as well as switching up my decluttering habits. Today if I wish to declutter anything and it isn't an instant 'yes, I'm ready to let this go,' I store it away in a box and place it under my bed to review in the future. This way, I can check in with my decision-making to ensure I'm decluttering those items because I genuinely don't want them anymore — not because I feel like I have to own less to feel less guilt or anxiety. Another major step I've taken toward learning to love what I have (which is still a work in progress!) is stopping even for a minute every day to look around my space at my items. As I look around each room, I may pick things up or just think to myself, taking a moment of gratitude and remembering what I liked about each item in my possession in the first place. And lastly, something that I've found to be particularly helpful in allowing myself to enjoy my items is to keep an eye on what new things I'm bringing into my life. Think about it: If you've already struggled in the past to let yourself love 'stuff,' then haphazardly inviting a bunch into your life that you don't really need will make things harder. By pausing to think about if a new item matters enough to me to join my 'stuff,' I'm able to more happily let it instance, today I bought a book! Even though I have some I haven't read and didn't 'need' it, I've been looking for a book by this author for a long time and found the excerpts of poetry I read while flicking through the pages in the store to be beautiful. It felt very 'me,' and like something I knew I would enjoy, so I plan to do just that — let myself sit in the sun or cozy in bed to simply enjoy it. I Just Discovered the Smartest Way to Store Paper Towels in Your Kitchen (It's a Game-Changer!) Everything You've Ever Wanted To Know About Article's DTC Furniture We Asked 8 Pro Travelers What They Never Pack in Their Carry-On, and Here's What They Said Sign up for Apartment Therapy's Daily email newsletter to receive our favorite posts, tours, products, and shopping guides in your inbox.
