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I was told to be ladylike. Thanks to Tom Lehrer I rebelled
I was told to be ladylike. Thanks to Tom Lehrer I rebelled

Times

time3 days ago

  • Entertainment
  • Times

I was told to be ladylike. Thanks to Tom Lehrer I rebelled

Five years ago, at 92, the great Tom Lehrer handed over to the public domain all copyright on his wicked lyrics, cementing even more deeply my long devotion. He was a childhood idol long before any rocker: my elder brother and I would creep towards the family turntable in whichever foreign post Dad had migrated to and sneak out his copy of the 1953 Songs by Tom Lehrer (the one with a devil's tail becoming a keyboard). We revelled in his brutal unsentimentality, his elegantly scanned musical demolition of all romance and decorum. My mother, a Catholic and lover of real Irish ballads, winced at his cheerful family-killer admitting it because 'rickety-tickety-tin, she knew that to lie was a sin'. Not to mention the yearning romantic tunes and dastardly lyrics of the The Old Dope Peddler, about the man who gives the kids free samples 'because he knows full well/ That today's innocent young faces will be tomorrow's clientele'. As for the satirical Scout anthem Be Prepared, never underestimate the glee of under-ten siblings working out the meaning of 'don't solicit for your sister, it's not nice/ Unless you get a good percentage of her price'. • Tom Lehrer obituary: devilish musical satirist Maternal attempts to hide the album failed and we introduced our siblings to it in turn. Maybe the relief was particularly intense because of the setting we lived in as 1950s diplo-brats abroad, drilled in gentlemanly and ladylike behaviour. When you're handing out vol-au-vents at dull cocktail parties it helps to be humming a song to yourself about a skirt coming off in a Viennese waltz. Lehrer's leering tone here is brilliant as he sings of the wardrobe malfunction 'revealing for all of the people to see — just what it was that endeared you to me'. The second album landed when we were in Johannesburg, to greater relief. We knew about the Bomb and radiation sickness the way kids now learn climate change. In March 1960 I had been personally patted on the head by Nikita Khrushchev on a walkabout in Lille when Dad sent us out to taste the crowds' attitude: a huge man in dungarees made me wave a paper tricolour with a hammer and sickle. Two years later, while at boarding school in Krugersdorp, the Cuban missile crisis made the nuns keep us in chapel because of a weird rumour that South Africa would be attacked first. What could be more cheering than Lehrer's jolly rhyming of 'Te Deum' with 'ICBM' and 'misery' with 'rotisserie' in We Will All Go Together When We Go? We child Lehrerites were, I suppose, innocently prefiguring the merry defeatism of punk. Then, a few more nuns later, came his 1965 shocker, The Vatican Rag. Another kind of relief, even to a quite devout teenager. So thank you, Tom Lehrer, for everything. For the sheer ingenuity (and science), as if rap had suddenly turned swotty and turned up in chem class. For sheer disgracefulness and awful truth. The pleasure also lies, as often in Lehrer's work, in the parody of sentimental downhome ballads. In the age of own-your-fetish it's hard to explain today how shocking this was. And how jolly it felt to sing it under your breath. A reminder that people used to think and write post-nuclear dystopian books about mutually assured destruction. The world will always need songs about plagiarism. And intellectual property theft. Need I say why? His world was cleaner than ours is …

Asking Eric: Niece excludes one branch of large family tree at wedding
Asking Eric: Niece excludes one branch of large family tree at wedding

Washington Post

time3 days ago

  • General
  • Washington Post

Asking Eric: Niece excludes one branch of large family tree at wedding

Dear Eric: My husband is one of eight siblings. A few live on opposite sides of the country, but they do remain in contact, and we all get together occasionally. One of my brothers-in-law is married and has a stepdaughter. The stepdaughter became engaged, and we were told that since she was paying for her own wedding, they had no say in the invite list and we all may receive an invite or not. Mind you this daughter was invited to any event we had, including my kids' weddings. At my daughter's wedding she responded that she was coming but was a no show.

Man Skips Twin Brother's Wedding After Being Snubbed at Engagement Party
Man Skips Twin Brother's Wedding After Being Snubbed at Engagement Party

Yahoo

time4 days ago

  • Entertainment
  • Yahoo

Man Skips Twin Brother's Wedding After Being Snubbed at Engagement Party

A 28-year-old is asking if he made the right decision after missing the wedding A 28-year-old man is asking the internet if he made the right choice by deciding not to go to his brother's wedding after being slighted at their engagement party. On Reddit, the man shares that he and his twin brother used to be inseparable, and until recently, he thought they "were still very close." "I was always more of a shy nerd and he was an extrovert that played sports throughout our childhood and high school, but we spent almost all of our time together, by choice," he writes, noting that they went their "separate ways" around college as they went to schools in different states. While his brother remained close to home in Arizona, the poster moved to Portland after graduating. Still, he "always flew back home for holidays, events, birthdays, etc." "My brother announced on instagram that he and his girlfriend of 3 years got engaged. I was incredibly happy for him and texted him congrats," the poster writes. "He mentioned they were planning to have an engagement party in 6-8 weeks and I told him to let me know so I can book a flight to come celebrate." However, he was "never told a date" and if he brought it up with his brother or other family members, "they'd change the subject or say it's still being planned and confirmed." "After a few weeks I texted my brother to ask about the date because it must be getting close and I don't want to pay for a last minute flight. No response," he writes. 'I asked my mom for details and she said, 'It's not really an engagement party, just a small dinner with family. There's no need to come down for it.' " However, the man later found out that it was, in fact, 'a big party." "They rented out an entire restaurant for 4 hours and there were about 80 guests: family, friends, cousins, everyone. Everyone was told I couldn't make it," he writes. 'My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, texted me that she was very disappointed I couldn't make time to join and I replied that I would have happily come, but I was not invited," he explains. "Word spread quickly about my snub and my parents and brother tried to say it was just a misunderstanding." It's been nearly a year since then, and the poster has yet "to get to the bottom of why [he] wasn't invited." "Over the course of months it went from, 'It was just meant to be a small gathering,' to 'I don't know what happened, there must have been a miscommunication,' to 'It's just a party. It's no big deal,'" he says of his family's excuses. "I asked my brother if he was mad at me, I thought maybe his fiance didn't like me. Even if she or he didn't want me there, why were my parents ok with this? This really wasn't like them." The poster says holidays were "awkward as hell" as there was a clear elephant in the room. During one gathering, his sister said it was like he was "not really family anymore" since he moved far away. While the man was invited to his brother's wedding, he wasn't asked to be in the wedding party, despite his sister and younger brother being included. He also didn't get a plus one for his girlfriend of over a year, but his sister got one for a man she isn't even officially dating. "So I decided I wasn't welcome and I was probably only invited for optics and to play happy family. I didn't RSVP no since I knew that would cause a s---show, I just didn't go," he writes. "The wedding was this past weekend. No one contacted me about missing the rehearsal dinner, so I guess even if I did go, I wasn't invited to that either or expected to be there." However, one hour before the wedding ceremony, he started getting calls and texts asking him where he was. He ignored them until after the ceremony. 'I finally picked up my mom's call and she screamed, 'Where the hell are you?' I replied, 'In Portland, where you all prefer me to be,'" he reflects. "She said, 'This is your brother's wedding, how could you embarrass us?' I answered, 'It's just a party. It's no big deal, right?' It was probably the first time in my life my mother was speechless," he adds. "After a few seconds of silence, I said, 'Tell everyone I said hi,' and I hung up.' In the days that followed, his family members called and texted him to say that he was 'being petty' and "ruined the day.' Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. However, people in the comments section agreed with the man's decision, agreeing that he was "just matching their energy." 'Message your family that since they decided that you don't count as family anymore, then you're acting accordingly. They decided to essentially cut you out because you moved so they can face the consequences,' one person wrote. Another person responded, 'I'd stop going to holidays going forward too,' to which the man who made the post replied, 'Agreed. Not gonna happen anytime soon.' Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword

Woman Is Confused Why She Wasn't Invited to Her Sister's 50th Birthday Party — but Her Parents and Other Siblings Were
Woman Is Confused Why She Wasn't Invited to Her Sister's 50th Birthday Party — but Her Parents and Other Siblings Were

Yahoo

time4 days ago

  • General
  • Yahoo

Woman Is Confused Why She Wasn't Invited to Her Sister's 50th Birthday Party — but Her Parents and Other Siblings Were

"This came as a complete surprise," the woman said of not being invited to the family gathering A woman is feeling left out after she wasn't included in celebrations to mark her sister's milestone 50th birthday. In a post on the U.K.-based forum Mumsnet, the woman wrote that her sibling "had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents," but she wasn't looped in on the plans. "This came as a complete surprise," the woman said in her post, adding, "No one mentioned it to me at all." Now, the woman said she is looking for "advice about what I do next," because she feels her family's actions were deliberate. "The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them," she wrote. The woman added that she plans to see her mother soon, and she is currently wondering: "Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our [group chat]? Anything? Nothing?" Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer​​, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. In the comments section of the post, other Mumsnet users sided with the upset woman, writing that they understood her hurt. "This is a horrible way to have treated you," wrote one commenter, as another said, "That is so sneaky and hurtful of them to do this." The PEOPLE Puzzler crossword is here! How quickly can you solve it? Play now! Others, meanwhile, told the woman that they think she should cancel her plans with her mother for the time being, in order to figure out why she was excluded from the family gathering. "I would [cancel] seeing her Monday and [tell] her that you'll be processing being excluded by all of them for a bit," was a suggestion from one user. "I would cancel the meeting with your mother and not bother with any of them for the time being. They are all to blame. It's nasty," another said. Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword

I'm trying to be a 'gentle parent', but it's a lot tougher than I thought
I'm trying to be a 'gentle parent', but it's a lot tougher than I thought

CNA

time5 days ago

  • General
  • CNA

I'm trying to be a 'gentle parent', but it's a lot tougher than I thought

I was brought up with rather strict parenting – the kind where most discussions ended with "because I said so" and questioning authority would earn you a lengthy, often heated lecture. Many of my friends had a similar upbringing. Our parents largely subscribed to the proverbial wisdom of " spare the rod, spoil the child". They genuinely believed that a strict, fear-based approach would turn us into well-behaved, successful adults. With that, we as children learnt to bottle things up, blow up or, worse, shut down completely when our feelings became too overwhelming. We became people-pleasers, emotional avoiders or masters of silent rage-cleaning (this last one is me, honing in on cleaning things while feeling angry or frustrated). So when I had my two boys, born just 11 months apart, I wanted to do things differently. A few years ago, a moment of pure sibling chaos erupted in our household when my boys were fighting over a toy. I stormed in, eyes blazing and hands on hips. I raised my voice over the noise they were making, so loud that they froze and flinched. And then I saw it – the fear in their eyes, not of the consequences, but of me. In that moment, I realised that I was falling into the exact same traps and patterns as my own parents did. From that moment on, I delved wholeheartedly into the world of gentle parenting, reading all the books, listening to all the podcasts and watching all the TikTok videos with my children. It sounds beautiful in theory, the calm tones, mutual respect, co-regulation and empathy at the heart of the discipline. It is the kind of parenting you imagine happening in softly lit, beige-toned homes filled with Montessori toys, probably while you and your children are dressed in matching white linen outfits. But practising it in real life is a whole different story, especially when you were not raised that way. REWIRING YOURSELF Contrary to some misconceptions, gentle parenting does not mean giving your kids a free pass for any and all sorts of behaviour. To me, gentle parenting is similar to authoritative parenting, but with a softer edge. We still need to set clear boundaries and expectations with our kids, but we do so with empathy, respect and open communication, rather than fear or control. The hope is that the gently parented child would learn to recognise and control their emotions because the caregiver is consistently affirming that those feelings are important. Hence, every gentle parenting technique starts with the parent learning how to self-regulate themselves and their emotions, which is much, much easier said than done. Self-regulation sounds intuitive, but it is not something innate. It is a skill and one that must be taught and practised, like any other. When we learn how to self-regulate, we can model how to keep cool when faced with big feelings or inconveniences. We are able to stay calm, think clearly and react with intention, even when we are running on caffeine and only three hours of sleep. HARDER THAN YOU THINK I wish I had learnt to self-regulate before I learnt how to swim or ride a bicycle. Now, as an adult, I would rather feel the pain of giving birth again than have to give deference to a child's every mood, all while keeping my voice within the "gentle" threshold, just to get them to brush their teeth or put on their freaking shoes. It doesn't come easily at all. A friend once asked me: "We're facing an economic crisis, a climate crisis, mental health issues and a million work deadlines. Why add this pressure to gentle parenting, too?" And my answer was: Because I've seen it work. One small but meaningful win came during a particularly stressful afternoon. I was on a Teams call at work, trying to sound like a competent professional, when my three-year-old marched into the living room and, right before my eyes, dumped an entire bowl of cereal onto the carpet. My gut reaction: Yell. Scold. Lecture. But instead, I muted my microphone and, as calmly as I could, told him that I was overwhelmed and asked if he could clean up the mess. He looked up at me and, without missing a beat, said: "Okay, Mum. Do you need a hug or some space to breathe?" I was stunned. This tiny human, covered in crumbs, had just offered me the exact compassion I'd been trying to model for him. It was one of those moments that made all the effort feel worthy. BREAKING THE CYCLE Honestly, I don't know if I'm making the "correct" choice. I don't know what the long-term effects will be – my boys are still little. However, I'm already starting to see a shift. They come to me with their feelings. They know they are allowed to cry, to rage, to laugh, to be messy and human. They call me out when I say things that are overly harsh or inappropriate. Sometimes, I apologise for hurting their feelings, sometimes they do for hurting mine. Gentle parenting is also teaching me to pause and look for the reason behind the behaviour. When kids act out, it is often because they are overwhelmed or disconnected. And when they defy you, it is often a plea for connection or autonomy (or sometimes just for snacks). Don't get me wrong. It is still hard – so hard. But it helps to remind myself daily that my kids are learning how to handle their big emotions by watching how I handle mine. Some days, I get it right. I pause. I validate. I hold the boundary with kindness. I sit beside my sobbing child and say, "I know this is hard. I am here. You are safe." And then there are days when I lose it, when I snap over spilt milk and slam the fridge door just a little too hard. When I say something sharp, my child shrinks. I can't be perfect. After all, I am just a sleep-deprived working mum-of-two trying her best. But now, I notice. I apologise. And I try again.

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