Latest news with #singleness
The Guardian
4 days ago
- General
- The Guardian
I can't read anyone's body language and I feel flirt-illiterate. How do I meet new people?
I'm approaching 30 and I've been single since I was 19. What's more, I haven't dated anyone. This isn't a question of labels – I have objectively not seen anyone for 10 years. I'm a straight man and I have felt quite a bit of shame about not dating and not seeing anyone, and I have lied about my circumstances to family and friends. 'Oh, yeah, I've been on dates,' and 'Oh, yeah, I have a sex life,' are some of the lies I have repeated. I have more or less gotten over the reasons why I might have isolated myself emotionally from other people. I no longer tell myself that I am unlikable/unlovable, and am open to the idea that other people could be attracted to me. But, I can't fathom how to meet anyone. I can't read anyone's body language, and feel flirt-illiterate. How does a 30-year-old man meet people they might like and be honest about their dating illiteracy and inexperience without compounding the problem? Eleanor says: There's plenty of advice on how to get 'a date' or 'a girlfriend', as though they're a uniform species. Like catching 'a trout'. Some such advice is fine (be punctual, don't expect mind reading), but I'd be wary of treating dating as a uniform activity – one big sport where everyone but you knows the rules. Dating's different for everyone. Just like the friendships between high school girlfriends have different norms and origins from the friendships between golf buddies, your dating life will look particular to you. Figuring it out isn't about figuring out how to 'date' per se. It's about figuring out how to be yourself enough that the people who are looking for you can find you. With that in mind, here are some generalisations that should be treated as exactly that. 'People' are everywhere, but you're not just trying to meet people, you're trying to meet your people. Go where they're likely to be – joint activities, hobbies, shared friend groups. Expanding your romantic life often involves just expanding your social life: making sure you're out, known, in the habit of chatting to people you don't know. It might help to think of flirting as an extension of social bonding rather than a strategy unique to dating. It's just creating chemistry. Do you make people feel like the most interesting thing in the room? Do you hold eye contact a smidge longer in a way that suggests they're fascinating? Does it seem as though there's some mischief that you're in on together? When figuring out whether people are flirting with you, it's the same thing in reverse. If someone is trying to build some chemistry, they will find reasons to share things with you. A lot of philosophers worry that our closest relationships often start in a bit of deception: we act like our best selves in early romance. In fact, I think this is for good reason. You don't want to make your neurosis or baggage the other person's responsibility at first. In your case, you've felt unlovable in the past and you worry about your inexperience. But I don't think it's dishonest not to disclose this. The risk of sharing these things is they could become symbols for both of you – a date can't just be a date, a rejection can't just be a rejection. It becomes a symbol of your worth or romantic viability. That's a lot to put out there in the early stages of getting to know someone – for them and for you. It's important to have your own ways of dealing with the fears and vulnerabilities dating can bring up. Since you have learned ways to manage your negative self-talk, it sounds as though you're well on the way. Let yourself be seen for you, not for your fears and woes. And when in doubt, you can just ask. You mentioned finding it hard to read body language, feeling 'flirt illiterate'. Partly this is by design. A lot of flirting deliberately retains its plausible deniability. That being said, if your challenges reading social cues are general, not dating-specific, it may be worth coming up with direct and friendly ways to clarify: 'I'm not always sure if I've read the vibe right, but would you like to get a drink or dinner together?' Some people will feel liberated if you give them permission to say exactly what they mean. I know this stuff feels like an impossible world to break into, but believe me that dating is just an extension of the social interactions you're used to. It's not about learning a new language or world; it's about being yourself, on purpose, in ways that let your people find you.
The Guardian
4 days ago
- General
- The Guardian
I can't read anyone's body language and I feel flirt-illiterate. How do I meet new people?
I'm approaching 30 and I've been single since I was 19. What's more, I haven't dated anyone. This isn't a question of labels – I have objectively not seen anyone for 10 years. I'm a straight man and I have felt quite a bit of shame about not dating and not seeing anyone, and I have lied about my circumstances to family and friends. 'Oh, yeah, I've been on dates,' and 'Oh, yeah, I have a sex life,' are some of the lies I have repeated. I have more or less gotten over the reasons why I might have isolated myself emotionally from other people. I no longer tell myself that I am unlikable/unlovable, and am open to the idea that other people could be attracted to me. But, I can't fathom how to meet anyone. I can't read anyone's body language, and feel flirt-illiterate. How does a 30-year-old man meet people they might like and be honest about their dating illiteracy and inexperience without compounding the problem? Eleanor says: There's plenty of advice on how to get 'a date' or 'a girlfriend', as though they're a uniform species. Like catching 'a trout'. Some such advice is fine (be punctual, don't expect mind reading), but I'd be wary of treating dating as a uniform activity – one big sport where everyone but you knows the rules. Dating's different for everyone. Just like the friendships between high school girlfriends have different norms and origins from the friendships between golf buddies, your dating life will look particular to you. Figuring it out isn't about figuring out how to 'date' per se. It's about figuring out how to be yourself enough that the people who are looking for you can find you. With that in mind, here are some generalisations that should be treated as exactly that. 'People' are everywhere, but you're not just trying to meet people, you're trying to meet your people. Go where they're likely to be – joint activities, hobbies, shared friend groups. Expanding your romantic life often involves just expanding your social life: making sure you're out, known, in the habit of chatting to people you don't know. It might help to think of flirting as an extension of social bonding rather than a strategy unique to dating. It's just creating chemistry. Do you make people feel like the most interesting thing in the room? Do you hold eye contact a smidge longer in a way that suggests they're fascinating? Does it seem as though there's some mischief that you're in on together? When figuring out whether people are flirting with you, it's the same thing in reverse. If someone is trying to build some chemistry, they will find reasons to share things with you. A lot of philosophers worry that our closest relationships often start in a bit of deception: we act like our best selves in early romance. In fact, I think this is for good reason. You don't want to make your neurosis or baggage the other person's responsibility at first. In your case, you've felt unlovable in the past and you worry about your inexperience. But I don't think it's dishonest not to disclose this. The risk of sharing these things is they could become symbols for both of you – a date can't just be a date, a rejection can't just be a rejection. It becomes a symbol of your worth or romantic viability. That's a lot to put out there in the early stages of getting to know someone – for them and for you. It's important to have your own ways of dealing with the fears and vulnerabilities dating can bring up. Since you have learned ways to manage your negative self-talk, it sounds as though you're well on the way. Let yourself be seen for you, not for your fears and woes. And when in doubt, you can just ask. You mentioned finding it hard to read body language, feeling 'flirt illiterate'. Partly this is by design. A lot of flirting deliberately retains its plausible deniability. That being said, if your challenges reading social cues are general, not dating-specific, it may be worth coming up with direct and friendly ways to clarify: 'I'm not always sure if I've read the vibe right, but would you like to get a drink or dinner together?' Some people will feel liberated if you give them permission to say exactly what they mean. I know this stuff feels like an impossible world to break into, but believe me that dating is just an extension of the social interactions you're used to. It's not about learning a new language or world; it's about being yourself, on purpose, in ways that let your people find you.
Daily Mail
4 days ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
Diana Vickers reveals one-night stands leave her feeling 'really rubbish' and admits she's 'so ready' for a partner after 7 years single
X Factor star Diana Vickers admitted that one-night stands leave her feeling 'really rubbish' and has publicly shared her desire for a partner to build a life with. The 34-year-old singer made the confession while advising a caller about singlehood on her new Metro podcast Just Between Us, co-hosted with sex columnist Alice Giddings. Diana admitted she's been single for seven years and, despite insisting she's 'okay with being alone', confessed that seeing couples deeply in love can be tough to witness. On her struggles with casual sex, Diana said: 'It's really hard to separate the emotional and physical side – particularly if you fancy them. 'I have lost my mind sometimes after a one-night stand. 'You have this moment of intimacy, this really great day where you feel deeply connected to someone, and then it just doesn't go anywhere. 'It can end up making you feel really, really rubbish. You retreat back into your little hole – and that can be scary. 'I totally empathise with people not liking one-night stands.' Diana then shared her thoughts on being single for 'a long time' and whether she feels envious of her coupled-up friends. 'When I see a couple really in love with each other - it hits me', the singer confided in co-host Alice. 'I guess I am okay with being alone. I have done it for quite a long time now. I dated, had small relationships – but nothing serious over the past seven years. 'It does tug at my heart strings when I see a couple. I was in Italy recently and this couple was getting off the coach to go to the airport. They were snogging, devouring each other. 'I was like, oh my God – that's so nice. To be wanted like that, it's difficult to see.' Although adamant she would wait for the 'wait for the right person', Diana said she was 'so ready' to enter a new phase of her life with a partner by her side. The singer explained: 'There's a part of me that would rather take my sweet time, but it is getting scary. 'I am so ready for someone to come in and build a life with. Someone to open up this amazing world for me. 'I am so happy with my life and what I've achieved but I do lack this love and deep connection. 'Having that partner to do things with, to be adored – I'd really like that. It's a beautiful thing. 'I was on a beach, and I kept thinking: I just want a guy that I'm mad about to come over now and snog me in the sea.' To hear Diana's full confession, search for Metro's Just Between Us, wherever you get your podcasts.
Daily Mail
08-08-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
Humiliated Michelle Bridges admits she was stood up on her first date in FIVE years as she shares mortifying ordeal
Michelle Bridges has been left humiliated after being stood up on her first date in five years. The celebrity fitness trainer, 54, who has been living the single life following her split from Steve 'Commando' Willis in 2020, recalled the mortifying experience in an Instagram Story post on Thursday. 'Sharing for my single ladies,' the mother-of-one wrote alongside a photo of herself in the car on the way home. 'I went on a first date tonight. The FIRST date I've had in 5.5 years. (I looked frickin hot btw). And I got stood up,' she continued. 'Met someone who said 'you look lost, can I help you?' (So sweet and very handsome). We sat for 2 hours and chatted and laughed. He's like way too young but at this point who cares!' 'What a start??!!? Who does that???' the frustrated fitness guru lamented, before noting that the tale was however: 'Great content!!!' It comes two months after Michelle revealed that she has not been in a relationship since her high-profile split from Steve. The admission came when Michelle was commenting on a post from influencer Abbie Chatfield. In it, Abbie was telling followers not to waste their time with men who 'feel threatened' by women recognising the patriarchy. 'If they are threatened, you are signing yourself up for time wasted trying to make yourself smaller for HIS comfort,' Abbie captioned her video. 'You would rather NOT be picked than be picked by a man who sees you as less than.' Jumping into the comments, Michelle revealed that she was enjoying her years of singledom. '5yrs of being with me. Best years of my life,' Michelle wrote, augmenting the admission with a love heart emoji. The comment resonated with Abbie's followers, with many replying in support of the fitness maven. 'Same here, high five,' one responded, while another jumped in with a similar: 'This is everything.' A third added: 'Yes!! 8 years for I can't wait for 8 more!!' It was a sentiment Michelle echoed to Who magazine in 2024, admitting that a relationship was not on her radar. 'I just feel very independent and I really like it, and no, I'm not looking for love. At all. I haven't been able to date in four-and-a-half-years. I'm good with that,' she said. 'I feel empowered by being independent. It's the longest I've been on my own, and I don't plan on changing that any time soon.' Michelle and Steve debuted their romance on the red carpet in May 2013, shortly after announcing splits from their respective partners at the time. They welcomed their son Axel in December 2015 and later announced their split in 2020, the same year Michelle was convicted for drunk driving. Michelle blew 0.086 when she was pulled over in her Range Rover with Axel in the car at about 11.25am on Australia Day 2020. In 2021, the former Biggest Loser star told Good Weekend magazine she suffered her fair share of 'dark' days following her split from Steve. 'I felt very alone,' she said. 'To be honest, it was the hardest time of my life, ever, leading up to what happened. I felt like I was in a fog, and I didn't know what was happening.'
CNA
07-06-2025
- General
- CNA
Being single for too long can hurt, especially in the quiet moments. Here's how to deal with the pain
For most of her adult life, Ms Alyssa Yeo has been single. The business development manager is 36 this year, has a good sense of humour, is thoughtful and well-travelled. Apart from one serious relationship in her early 20s, she has no one now to call her significant other. She has had her share of "crushes", first dates that led nowhere, as well as short-lived situationships that never turned into relationships. She has tried using several dating applications and agreed to go on blind dates set up by well-meaning friends. Yet, after years of trying – trying to be open, to be patient, to be the best version of herself – Ms Yeo is still single. Most days, she enjoys her own company and works hard to build a life that she is proud to lead. She also said that she would get positive comments from friends telling her to enjoy her freedom and how nice it is that she does not have to deal with diapers, relationship "drama", and in-laws. Why, then, does being single still hurt sometimes, especially in those quiet moments, such as returning home to no one waiting, no one asking about her day and no one with whom to share a meal? Ms Yeo said: 'It's not that I can't deal with being alone but it's lonely and depressing sometimes. "It's hard not to feel like there's something wrong with me, or that I'm behind all my peers who are either engaged, married or already have kids, which is something that I dream of. "I'm worried when I think about whether I will ever find someone. What if I never find someone?' Ms Yeo wonders what it takes to be truly okay with being on her own, or if someone as emotionally needy as her is simply not built for singlehood. The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once said: "If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company." In that vein, how does one become comfortable being alone? Counsellors said that it is common – and completely human – to wrestle with negative feelings, and that although some people thrive in solitude, others may find singlehood more emotionally challenging. It often takes intentional practice and a shift in mindset to view this period as a season of growth, rather than one of lack. WHY PROLONGED SINGLEHOOD CAN BRING UP NEGATIVE EMOTIONS Relating Ms Yeo's experience to counsellors, I learned that extended singleness, especially when it is not desired, can take a psychological toll, where a person may experience low self-esteem, anxiety and shame, for example. Consultant clinical psychologist Roy Chan, founder of the psychology clinic Cloaks and Mirrors, said anxiety stems from the desire not to be single, and it is triggered when repeated attempts at finding a partner do not work out. 'This pressure is further compounded when people give themselves a timeline to find a date.' Dr Chan explained that low self-esteem can be triggered when people compare themselves to others in relationships and feel less desirable, or in more extreme cases, even "unlovable". Shame, he added, often arises when these social pressures are internalised, leading people to believe that they lack the qualities or attributes that would make them attractive to the kind of partner they desire. Mr James Chong, clinical director of counselling and psychotherapy centre The Lion Mind, said comparisons with others are often amplified by social media, where curated snapshots of seemingly perfect relationships can distort perceptions of reality. Everyday interactions can reinforce these feelings, such as when colleagues with family commitments are given priority during holiday planning, or when workplace cultures subtly favour married workers, he added. Mr Chong also said that some people may struggle with the feeling that they are complete only if they are in a romantic relationship. Even those who are confident in themselves can feel discomfort when close friends start focusing more on their partners or families, and that growing distance can trigger feelings of abandonment or being "left behind" that deepen the struggle, he noted. Some of these pressures are evolutionary. Dr Chan explained that in certain social circles or cultures, expectations to find a partner and procreate can be especially intense. 'This is especially if the culture is more group-focused, where dating and procreation are seen as a contributor to the longevity of their tribe and genetic code.' Even older relatives who pressure you to settle down may be doing so from a subconscious drive to see their genetic line continue, Dr Chan added. On whether certain personality types thrive better in singlehood, the counsellors had differing views. Mr Chong said there is a common misconception that introverts are naturally better at being alone. 'While introverts may prefer less social stimulation, they still require meaningful connections and are not immune to feelings of loneliness.' Most people still have an innate need for connection and belonging, he explained. Dr Chan, on the other hand, believes that some people, particularly those who are introspective, genuinely thrive on their own and do not equate being alone with loneliness. 'They are less likely to use social connections as a benchmark of self-worth or social success, and they can be more satisfied with their thoughts and activities that they enjoy.' GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH WHO YOU ARE So, what does it mean to thrive alone as someone who is perpetually single and can it be fulfilling? Psychotherapist Jeannette Qhek, founder of the wellness space Chill by Nette, said that it sometimes helps to step back and look at where we are through the lens of broader psychological ideas that reframe singleness not as a void but as a meaningful phase of growth. She pointed to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which theorises that although romantic love can meet humans' very real need for connection and intimacy, there is more to life than just a romantic partnership. Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a psychological theory that organises human needs in a pyramid, starting with basic survival needs such as food and safety, and progressing to higher-level needs such as love, esteem and self-actualisation. The idea is that people are motivated to fulfil lower-level needs first before they can focus on more complex emotional and psychological goals. 'The top of Maslow's pyramid, which is self-actualisation, can often be most powerfully accessed in states of solitude, introspection and spiritual practice. In solitude, we sometimes hear ourselves more clearly,' Ms Qhek said. Then there is attachment theory, a psychological framework that identifies different attachment styles – secure, anxious or avoidant, for instance – that influence how people connect with others in romantic, platonic and familial relationships. Ms Qhek said this theory teaches us about the patterns we have developed in relationships: how we reach for closeness, how we protect ourselves and how we respond to emotional risk. 'But one of its deeper lessons is that the most important secure bond we can build is with ourselves. Being single gives us space to create that inner safety, where we feel worthy and whole regardless of who stays or leaves.' And then there is the famous psychologist Carl Jung's idea of individuation, which is about becoming your fullest, whole self, Ms Qhek said. 'That process often begins when we stop seeking someone else to 'complete' us and start asking, 'Who am I, really?' 'This might mean confronting your own shadow, the parts of yourself you've ignored or pushed away... Singleness can be the very terrain where that deep work begins without the distraction of projecting it onto a partner.' Ms Qhek added that being single is not a pause on life, because it might be the very season that shapes you into the person you were always meant to become. HOW TO MAKE PEACE WITH BEING ALONE Of course, growing comfortable with solitude is not automatic. As with most things in life, it takes practice. The counsellors suggested starting small, such as going out to have a solo coffee "date", watching a movie in the cinema alone and going on a staycation where you don't have to compromise with anyone else's schedule. Mr Chong also said that it can be helpful to look at singleness as a season of self-discovery and growth, rather than a sign of lack or incompleteness. 'Community groups, religious fellowships, hobby clubs or even fan clubs offer a sense of belonging and shared purpose. "A secure sense of self-worth can also be cultivated through personal achievements, learning new skills or contributing to meaningful causes,' he added. 'Ultimately, self-worth should be anchored on who the person is, rather than whether the person is romantically desired by another.' Similarly, Dr Chan said that people can view solo experiences as unique and valuable opportunities to connect with themselves and the environment around them, which is unconstrained by another person's expectations, especially in a romantic relationship. 'There is joy in looking at the waves crashing along the Californian shoreline, or a late-night walk through the street stalls of Namdaemun, Seoul, where one is free to stop and linger for as long as the person wants, just looking and noticing the people,' he added. 'It's almost as if they are watching a movie, where they are the only audience. These are activities and really unique experiences that cannot be done with a partner.' Ms Qhek highlighted that it is not just romantic partners who can be sources of validation or companionship. 'Build a circle of intimacy beyond romance. Invest in deep friendships, community and chosen family. Emotional intimacy doesn't only come from romantic partners, as there are many ways to feel seen and supported.' More importantly, a period of singlehood is a time when you can work towards understanding yourself better. Dr Chan said some people start to wonder if they are being too picky or asking for too much when they are actively looking for a partner but have not found one yet. "But it's not just about what you're looking for. It's also about knowing yourself.
