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The Guardian
28-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
Overwhelmed by company? Five introvert-friendly ways to hang out
When I arrive at a gathering I tend to announce my departure in the same breath as my greeting. 'Hi! I brought some wine, where do you want it? Just letting you know I can only stay an hour because I start work really early on Sunday mornings.' Then I might throw in a little yawn and stretch. Restaurants aren't much different: my leg's likely to be jiggling before the order has been jotted down. The last mouthful of dessert sounds a last-drinks bell in my head. It's not that I don't love my friends. I've just got a window of tolerance for face-to-face activities, and then the agitation kicks in. I've been so fascinated by social reluctance that I wrote a book exploring it, The Introvert's Guide to Leaving the House. In my 30s, I'd embarked on a five-year mission to become more outgoing, figuring out which situations I could be comfortable in, and setting myself exercises in social etiquette, empathy and positive reframing. These techniques became second nature by the time I hit my 40s, so I decided to share what I'd learned. It seems timely. When discussing the book with non-introverts, I realised that social overwhelm has massively broadened in recent years. Whether you blame lockdowns, news-cycle malaise or digital-era disconnect, we're less likely to commit to an outing. But I've learned it's possible to engineer low-key hangs that charge an introvert's social battery – or at least don't drain it as quickly. The three-second rule doesn't just apply to dropped food. As reported by the British Psychological Society, a 2016 study of nearly 500 participants found the vast majority felt most comfortable with eye contact that lasted just over three seconds. Business blogs from Throughline Group to Inc will tell you that's the optimal eye gaze time because you're showing engagement without becoming unnerving. That's why shoulder-to-shoulder activities are such a relief. These are activities we do alongside each other rather than face to face, such as going to a gallery, playing pool, a games night, joining your local chapter of the Silent Book Club or taking a simple walk – cheapest hangout ever. Men tend to naturally go shoulder to shoulder more than women; in fact, the Australian Men's Shed Association slogan is 'Men don't talk face to face, but shoulder to shoulder'. I prefer to know in advance how many people are coming. A newish friend once suggested we go on holiday overseas. I agreed, we made an itinerary, then she announced that another woman, who I didn't know, would be joining us. 'The more the merrier!' said the friend. Worst holiday ever. The maths is simple: the more bodies there are in a social pile-up, the more overwhelming it becomes. A single person is possible to read. A scenario with two people requires split concentration to accommodate them both. More than two people means second-guessing what everyone is thinking, so knowing what is most appropriate to say is absolutely impossible. It can help to know who's coming in order to take a moment beforehand to recall the last time you met each person and what was going on for them. Having a one to one side-conversation with someone about something that interests them is infinitely better than aimless group small talk. You could even make notes in your phone contacts whenever you've had an interesting chat. It's not stalking, it's anthropology – you're studying your community. What if you don't know the people? I like to gamify a situation I'm not looking forward to. In this scenario the game could be: figure out who in this group could potentially be your new BFF. Find common ground. Many introverts take the scraping of chair legs across a cafe floor extremely personally. We're sensitive to loud, unscheduled noises (at kids' parties, balloons were a nightmare for me), so venues with the acoustics of a concrete cube are best avoided lest we fritz our synapses. For anyone with sensory processing issues or simply of an irritable nature, a table of six people talking at once sounds like a beer hall during Oktoberfest. Worse, there's probably going to be cross-talk, where more than one conversation is competing for our brain's attention. In these social gatherings I often fall silent. People must think I have the consumptive constitution of a 19th-century muse. If it's just you and a friend, you could likely get away with suggesting a venue change because you're dying to hang on to their every word but can't hear them. If it's a larger group you could try wearable tech – the fancy term for earplugs. Brands such as Happy Ears, Earjobs or Loop earplugs reduce background noise while still allowing conversation to cut through. Every year I fly back to the UK for a week-long family holiday by the seaside, but despite wanting to see my family, I find being fully present during this intensive period a real struggle. After each trip my cousin Adam posts a big album of photos to Facebook. Without fail I'm only in about two photographs, because all week I've been 'just going back to the house', 'just off to get something' or giving them a head start to the beach hut and promising to catch up. Eventually. One year, I decided I would consciously opt to skip certain activities and fully participate in others. Of course, I chose to commit to shoulder-to-shoulder activities. For instance, I opted out of sitting and chatting in the beach hut, but committed to a board game in the evening. Think of the next lengthy get-together you've got coming up and consider what elements you'll sit out and what you'll commit to. Then make sure you're in the photos. Now you've committed to a hangout, give yourself time to self-regulate, since your mood has an effect on others. That means no sighing on arrival or being distant. Introverts can find it harder than most to communicate what's going on for us, but developmentally, managing our spillage is something we ought to be on top of by the time we leave school. If we're still killing everyone's buzz as adults, then it's something we've given ourselves permission to do, hoping people will just make allowances. If your modus operandi has always been Wallow Now, Apologise Later, a good way to behaviour-check yourself is to ask: am I likely to send an apologetic text to this person later? If the answer is yes, try to tackle your behaviour in the moment instead. You might acknowledge your mood and say you're going to reset. You could even half-jokingly ask the other person to help you out by giving you an update on their news while you're 'rebooting'. Better still, take a few minutes before a meet-up to focus on your positive relationship with the person and what might be going on in their life. Ultimately, the best way to get out of your own head is to consider another person's needs. Jenny Valentish is the author of The Introvert's Guide to Leaving the House (Simon & Schuster, A$36.99)
Yahoo
24-05-2025
- Business
- Yahoo
This Luxury NYC Apartment Building Actually Pays Tenants To Throw Parties In Their Homes, But There's A Catch
Benzinga and Yahoo Finance LLC may earn commission or revenue on some items through the links below. Landlords are famous for telling new tenants they can't host loud parties. If you like to entertain, and the "no party" rule has always stuck in your craw, you may want to consider living in New York's Brooklyn Crossing. The owners of this luxury apartment building not only allow you to throw parties on the premises, but they will even pay you to do it, but there's a catch. Brooklyn Crossing is a 51-story, 858-unit luxury apartment community in the Prospect Heights neighborhood. According to Newsweek, the property is managed by the Brodsky Organization. This isn't the first management group to encourage an active social life among its tenants, but they're taking the concept to another level. Don't Miss: Hasbro, MGM, and Skechers trust this AI marketing firm — Inspired by Uber and Airbnb – Deloitte's fastest-growing software company is transforming 7 billion smartphones into income-generating assets – Brodsky already features a variety of social activities like Yoga classes, group outings, and music events for children. However, they also offer a "neighborly events" program that gives tenants Visa gift cards valued at up to $500 as reimbursement for hosting gatherings at Brooklyn Crossing. As you might imagine, it's not a blank check, and tenants must meet several criteria to be eligible for the payout. A Newsweek profile listed the paid requirements. First, the events must be "for Brodsky residents only." Non-residents can't participate, and residents must get approval from building management and the Brodsky Neighbors Events Team before throwing the party. Approval requests must be submitted at least two weeks before the event date. Second, the host must document the event on the community's private message board by posting photos from the party. Party hosts must also provide receipts for all party-related expenses. Trending: Maker of the $60,000 foldable home has 3 factory buildings, 600+ houses built, and big plans to solve housing — On the surface, it's an unorthodox approach, but it actually makes a lot of sense. Although New York has an estimated eight million residents, the hustle and bustle of everyday life can leave many residents feeling disconnected. This is especially true in large apartment communities like Brooklyn Crossing, where even tenants who live on the same floor may have trouble making meaningful connections with each other. If, on the other hand, they can come together and create a sense of community amongst themselves, Brooklyn Crossing residents may be less likely to move out. There is no shortage of luxury real estate options in the city, and every developer is looking for a way to stand out from the crowd. The presence of an internal community could help Brooklyn Crossing stand out from the crowd and improve resident retention. This is a brand-new apartment community, which means the investors will be very motivated to get the building filled and keep it filled. Nothing hurts multifamily real estate investment returns more than vacancy loss. If the Brodsky Organization's plan works, you might see more luxury buildings paying you to host your next soirée. Read Next: This Jeff Bezos-backed startup will allow you to . Invest Where It Hurts — And Help Millions Heal: Image: Shutterstock Send To MSN: 0 This article This Luxury NYC Apartment Building Actually Pays Tenants To Throw Parties In Their Homes, But There's A Catch originally appeared on
Yahoo
18-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Dating apps left me suicidal. How can I find love before it's too late?
I'm a 40-year-old man who has used dating apps for eight years and met about 100 different women, not counting the ones with whom I just chatted. That's a lot of first dates, quite a few second dates and a few short relationships. Nothing stuck. No one seems to want a relationship. Everyone is broken, including me. Some women turn me down, allegedly, because I ask to split the bill on the second date, having paid on the first. Some turn me down because I want kids and they don't. Some tell me I'm a nice man, after which I don't hear from them again. I've never ghosted anyone, but I've turned down some good people too. I was trying to do the right thing by my head and my heart. It appears everyone is looking for chemistry and not finding it. So I tried meeting women without using apps. My friends are married or in long-term relationships and unfortunately don't know anyone they could match me with. When I was younger I worked in a big company and went to house parties; now I'm self-employed and my friends throw baby showers. So I don't meet single women as much. But I've gone to bars and courageously chatted to the women I fancied. Sometimes it actually works – we connect and later go on a date. But she may just like me professionally or as a friend; she may be in a relationship already. I work long hours and rarely meet new people. I go to a social event once a week, but often it feels more like networking. I've also tried speed dating to no avail. At least on the apps all the women are single, which is a good start. But last year the corrosive activity of swiping, chatting, meeting, rejecting or mostly being rejected became too much and I considered suicide. I deleted the apps instead of myself. I wish I could afford counselling, but it's too expensive and the NHS talking therapies appear to be reserved for people who are struggling more than me, which is understandable. I want to find love and try having children before it's too late. I would appreciate your advice. Something struck me about dating apps – and I say this with trepidation – but they are no different from real-life dating in so far as people sometimes think they're ready for a relationship, but subconsciously they actually aren't. I'm wondering if that could be you. I spoke to Susanna Abse, a couples psychoanalytic psychotherapist and the author of Tell Me The Truth About Love. 'The world of dating apps is notoriously challenging,' she says. 'It's clear you are bruised and disappointed by the experience. The reality, however, is that an estimated 8% of people in the UK now find their long-term partners this way, and the older you are, the more likely this will be.' Immediate physical attraction is great, but perhaps chemistry also develops over time if the person is interesting While it's true that people on dating apps are (mainly!) single, it's also a highly pressurised setting. As Abse says: 'People can be very anxious about rejection, so they avoid showing interest.' Abse wonders whether 'open-heartedness and a willingness to look for friendship are actually as important as chemistry. Of course immediate physical attraction is great, but perhaps chemistry also develops over time if the person is interesting and, crucially, interested in you. In other words, it goes both ways – are you interesting? Are you curious about those you meet?' Related: My sister gets into toxic fights with my mother. How can I help? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri We wonder if you'd consider doing something that interests you – an activity – and putting that ahead of looking for a partner, just for a while, to get you out of the place where it seems to be all about work or finding a partner. Abse makes another point. 'I wonder if you are struggling with low-level depression,' she says. 'You might have a tendency to minimise and mute your feelings, because the idea that feeling suicidal isn't something that would qualify you for NHS therapy support is simply wrong.' I take all mentions of suicide very seriously. Please see your GP and explain how you feel. Abse also suggests group therapy, which can help us see how we interact with others and 'is much more affordable'. Contact the Institute of Group Analysis for more information. Our sense of worth and self-esteem can be augmented by a partner, but ultimately it has to come from within. I have a hunch that if you could address this first, the rest may follow. • In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@ or jo@ In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counsellor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at • Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here. • Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
