Latest news with #solitude
South China Morning Post
2 days ago
- Lifestyle
- South China Morning Post
Chinese man, 35, refuses to work or get married, lives in a cave for 4 years
A 35-year-old man in China who believes work and marriage are redundant notions has been living in a cave for four years. Min Hengcai from southwestern China's Sichuan province calls home the adapted cavern in the town where he was raised. At the end of 2021, he gave up a ride-hailing driving job, which earned him 10,000 yuan (US$1,400) a month in the city, and returned home to live a life of seclusion. At the close of 2021, Min quit his ride-hailing job that paid US$1,400 monthly in the city and went back home to embrace a life of solitude. Photo: Min said he found work meaningless. He had previously worked for 10 hours a day to repay a debt he owed to relatives. He said he still owed the bank and lending companies 300,000 yuan (US$42,000). Min has given up hope of repaying them, adding that his relatives had sold his properties which could have been used to clear the arrears. He exchanged his land with that of a fellow villager, which was only one quarter the size of his, so that he could use the cave next to it.
BBC News
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- BBC News
'Humans need solitude': How being alone can make you happier
From spending time by yourself to making the most of being single, flying solo can be fulfilling – a philosophy championed by a new wave of books. In Wim Wenders' recent film Perfect Days, the main character, a Tokyo toilet cleaner, spends many of his hours in solitude; watering plants, contemplating, listening to music and reading. While more characters are introduced as the film develops, for many viewers its earlier moments are, indeed, perfect; described by the BBC's own Nicholas Barber as a "meditation on the serenity of an existence stripped to its essentials", it really struck a chord. No wonder. Thoughtful and positive outlooks on solitude have been taking up more and more space on our screens, bookshelves and smartphones, from podcasts to viral TikToks. Seemingly, there's never been a better time to be alone. In the past couple of years, several titles on the topic have been released, with a few more in the works. Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone, and Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own hit the shelves in 2024, and Nicola Slawson's Single: Living a Complete Life on Your Own Terms was published in February. Then last month saw the release of Emma Gannon's much-anticipated novel Table For One; having made her name with non-fiction books questioning traditional ideas of success and productivity, Gannon is now reconsidering modern relationships, in a love story focusing on a young woman finding joy in being alone, rather than with a partner. Later this year, two more self-help guides, The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect with Yourself in an Overconnected World and The Joy of Sleeping Alone, are coming out, as well as a paperback, English translation of Daniel Schreiber's Alone: Reflections on Solitary Living, which originally came out in Germany in 2023. A shift in attitudes Packed with keen observations and helpful tips, this new wave of books aims not only to destigmatise solitude, but also to make a case for its benefits and pleasures. Such a powerful stream of publications might come as a surprise, at first, to everyone who has lived through the pandemic and inevitably heard of – or got a bitter taste of – the so-called "loneliness epidemic", a term popularised in 2023 by then US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. "Post pandemic, there [was] a huge focus on loneliness, for a really good reason," says Robert Coplan, a professor in psychology at Carleton University in Ottawa and author of The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect with Yourself in an Overconnected World. But because of the concerns about the effects of loneliness, he says, solitude ended up "with a bit of a bad reputation – throwing the baby out with the bath water, so to speak". Now, though, the discourse is course-correcting itself. The distinction between loneliness and solitude, according to Coplan, is an important one, and many writers echo this sentiment. "While loneliness is a serious and harmful problem for some people, it is a subjective state very different from solitude, that someone has [actively] chosen for positive reasons," says journalist Heather Hansen. In 2024, she co-authored the aforementioned Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone with Netta Weinstein and Thuy-vy T Nguyen. Hansen had watched the media telling us we're very lonely for a while; but as a counter to this narrative, she says, "people are reflecting on their own lives and recognising that they are choosing solitude for various reasons that benefit them". The message of rom-coms, love songs and Jane Austen novels – that we need a partner to be fulfilled – isn't backed by data – Peter McGraw "I have a theory that since the pandemic we've been able to clearly understand the difference between loneliness and chosen solitude," says Emma Gannon, who is also a big proponent of "slow living". The extremes of the pandemic – being cooped up with all your loved ones, or, contrastingly, going for months without human contact – had prepared us, Gannon says, "to have nuanced conversations about the differences between isolation and joyful alone time". Nestled cosily within these timely conversations is Gen Z-ers and millennials' re-evaluation of romantic relationships and enthusiastic embracing of single life, alongside a careful reassessment of interpersonal relationships in general. Gannon's new novel might be a fictional depiction of a young woman reinvesting in a relationship with herself, but it will ring true to many readers who grapple with what are increasingly seen as outdated societal expectations to "settle down". According to a 2023 US survey, two out of five Gen Z-ers and millennials think marriage is an outdated tradition, and in the UK only just over half of Gen Z men and women are predicted to marry, according to the Office of National Statistics. In April, a viral TikTok, with over one million likes and close to 37,000 comments, showcased one man's perspective on dating women who live alone, and like it this way. Many women deemed the analysis "spot on" and related eagerly. Nicola Slawson, who based Single: Living a Complete Life on Your Own Terms on her popular Substack The Single Supplement, isn't surprised. "The number of people living alone in the UK has been steadily increasing over the last decade or so," Slawson points out, with this fuelling a cultural shift towards the acceptance of single people, and putting a focus on "freedom and independence, and especially a rejection of domesticity, as women are realising they don't have to put up with things they might have been expected to in previous generations". Having said that, our cultural fascination with being alone is deeply rooted. Capturing the beauty of solitude has been a focus for numerous artists over the centuries – from German romanticist Caspar David Friedrich, whose great works include Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog, (c. 1817), which can be seen in the Hamburger Kunsthalle art museum's collection in Germany, to the revered 20th-Century US artist Edward Hopper, and his paintings of solo city dwellers. A New Yorker review of the 2022 Hopper retrospective at the city's Whitney museum noted, "Everything about the urban life he shows us is isolated, uncommunal – and yet his images of apparent loneliness seem somehow anything but grim, rather proudly self-reliant." Daniel Schreiber believes the correlation between people living alone, sans partner, and being lonely has traditionally been overestimated. "Society understands better now that romantic love is not the only model to live by, or something to wish for," he adds. "There are different ways of life, and it's not as necessary to be in a traditional romantic relationship." Revel in the soft blanket, the sound of music, the taste of your food. What can you see, smell, touch and sense when you are alone? – Emma Gannon In Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own, Peter McGraw, a self-titled "bachelor", and professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Colorado, makes a similar point, with gusto. "There's a lot of mythology around single living, and a failure to understand the reasons marriage was invented – mostly as a business arrangement," he says. "Frankly, the message of rom-coms, love songs and Jane Austen novels" – that we need a partner to be fulfilled – "isn't backed by data," he says, "if we look at the longitudinal data": many studies cited in Solo show that even if personal happiness spikes around marriage, it doesn't last. Even within a relationship, traditional routines can be upended to allow for more alone time, as advocated in The Joy of Sleeping Alone. Its author, yoga and meditation teacher Cynthia Zak, noticed that many women prefer sleeping alone to sleeping in the same bed as their partners, and decided to write the book, originally in Spanish, in order to advocate for "more space to express what we need and feel, more opportunities to let go of fears and limiting beliefs, and more freedom to choose". How to be alone well If being, and doing things, alone is increasingly widespread – and stigma-free – then how to make the most of it? A couple of key factors everyone agrees on are finding a healthy balance between solo time and communing with others – and having the ability to choose solitude, rather than being forced to experience it. "The greatest indication of success in time alone is that a person has chosen that space believing that there is something important and meaningful there," says Hansen, adding that solitude is a "neutral blob of sculpting clay; it can be whatever we mould it into". Fittingly, according to McGraw it's perhaps best to not mould said blob into "lying in bed, vaping and ordering Uber Eats". Rather, he suggests channelling alone time into creative pursuits and pastimes that tend to blossom in solitude; a walk or a run, people-watching at a cafe, going to a museum and "taking it all in, as fast or slow as you can". Or how about "sitting in a bath listening to Vivaldi", he adds more specifically, or taking an online course? Paul Storrie For those who are single, leaning into potentially blissful solitude – instead of waiting for it to be over – is advised, Slawson says. "I used to find myself putting off doing things until I 'settled down' or until I found a partner, but you need to live the life you have got and squeeze as much joy as possible from it instead of feeling like you're in a waiting room, waiting for your life to start," she says. And when societal pressure builds? "Don't default to any type of thinking or a script," McGraw suggests. "The nice thing is, that there's now an alternative script." More like this: • The rise of the slow living moment • Ann Patchett on writing amid chaos • The star tidying guru who transformed our homes More broadly, alone time is full of potential and possibilities. "I think solitude inspires a wonderful sense of creativity, it gets the juices flowing and encourages problem solving," Gannon says. She suggests treating solitude as an adventure – or a chance to reconnect with yourself, through journalling or revelling in your senses: "The soft blanket, the sound of music, the taste of your food. What can you see, smell, touch and sense when you are alone?". Further turning inward, says Zak, can deepen one's understanding of solitude; she suggests paying attention to moments of solitude, and turning these moments into recurring rituals that aid relaxation and reflection by practice. "Ask yourself, what is the thing that you most enjoy being alone with? Make a jewel of the moment you choose and give yourself the task to cherish this specific space more and more," she says. And most importantly, if obviously? It's about mixing things up. "Humans do need social interaction – but I would also say that humans need solitude," says Coplan. "It's finding the right balance that is the key to happiness and wellbeing. Everyone has a different balance that's going to work for them." -- If you liked this story, sign up for The Essential List newsletter – a handpicked selection of features, videos and can't-miss news, delivered to your inbox twice a week. For more Culture stories from the BBC, follow us on Facebook, X and Instagram.
Forbes
26-05-2025
- General
- Forbes
Why Some Leaders Thrive In Silence While Others Struggle
Have you ever found yourself craving silence when everyone around you is calling for collaboration? You're in a meeting, people are speaking quickly, ideas are flying around, but your best thinking happens later—on your own, away from the noise. Does that make you less of a team player, or just a different kind of leader? In leadership, there's often an unspoken expectation to be visible, vocal, and constantly available. But what if your strength lies in quiet focus rather than constant interaction? That tension—between deep solo work and the demands of team engagement—is something many leaders face, even if they rarely talk about it. Choosing to work alone isn't about pulling away from your team. It's about creating space to think clearly, plan carefully, and bring forward ideas that matter. Maybe you've had moments when your most valuable contributions came after time spent reflecting—not reacting. But in many organizations, collaboration is treated like a badge of commitment. If you prefer quiet thinking over group discussion, have you ever worried others might see it as disinterest? Do they understand your need for space, or does it come across as distance? If you find yourself needing solitude to do your best work, you could try framing that time not as absence but as part of your leadership rhythm. You might say, 'I need time to think through this deeply and I'll bring a draft tomorrow.' That one sentence can help reframe how your team interprets your silence. The disconnect often becomes visible in meetings. Maybe you've spent hours shaping a detailed strategy, but because you didn't talk through it during early discussions, colleagues are surprised or even skeptical. Or you hold back from constant group check-ins, and others start wondering whether you're fully engaged. Have you ever skipped a meeting because you were deep in focus—and then sensed you'd missed more than just updates? In environments where collaboration happens fast and out loud, working alone can unintentionally signal that you're not part of the team's momentum. If that's familiar, you could choose to stay silent longer and risk misunderstanding, or you could step into brief, strategic touchpoints where your input has the most weight. Sometimes just showing up at key moments helps bridge the gap. When people don't understand your need for independent work, it can affect more than just team dynamics. It can shape how you're seen as a leader. You might be seen as distant, even if you're deeply invested in the work. That misperception can gradually impact trust, decision-making, and even how your ideas are received. Have you ever shared an idea you developed on your own, only to find it was too late to influence the group's direction? Timing matters. Insightful contributions can be lost if they arrive after the team has already moved on. That's not a failure of content—it's a mismatch of process. If you often find that your insights are developed in solitude but need to land within fast-moving conversations, you could adapt by sharing rough drafts earlier or giving others a glimpse into your thinking before it's fully formed. If you lead best through quiet thinking but want to stay connected with your team, here are a few simple ways to navigate that balance. Leading with focus doesn't mean rejecting teamwork. It means knowing when to step back, and when to step in. Think back to a time when your solo work unlocked a new direction for your team. What made that possible—and how can you do it again in a way that brings others along with you? The goal isn't to work louder. It's to make sure your quiet leadership is visible, understood, and aligned with what your team needs. When done well, focused independence can become a core part of a high-trust, high-performing culture.
Yahoo
22-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
What's a 'LAT' Relationship? Therapists Weigh In on This Fascinating Trend
Relationships are a lot of work. Even healthy relationships take effort and you have to be an active participant every day. Constantly communicating your feelings and where you're at is integral to a solid partnership, but for some, that doesn't mean you have to be together 24/7. For some, living apart together is the way that they keep their love alive and their relationship intact. Even if you're head-over-heels in love with your partner, you can probably agree that there are times when you just need your own space. Whether it's after a fight or you just need to recharge your social battery alone, solitary time in a relationship is important. After all, you both have your own interests, hobbies and your own TV shows you keep up with. Being in a couple doesn't mean you throw away what makes you you, so it's understandable that partners need to unwind in a solo environment from time to time. However, a LAT relationship offers a different and unconventional way to deal with apart together—or LAT—relationships are becoming more popular on social media and present a very different idea of what living arrangements look like for serious couples. You can even have a LAT marriage if this is something that works for you. 'It's not 'settling'—for some couples, it's love done better,', a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc., tells Parade. But how do you know if living apart together would work for your relationship? Parade spoke with therapy professionals about what LAT relationships and LAT marriages are, along with signs it could work for you, plus its benefits. We also touch on the cons or challenges of this type of arrangement and when it might not be the right answer for couples. Related: So, what exactly is a LAT relationship and what does it entail? 'LAT stands for Living Apart Together,' Dr. McMahon explains. 'It refers to couples—married or not—who maintain a committed romantic relationship while living in separate homes. This isn't a step toward divorce. For many, it's a conscious, long-term choice that allows both intimacy and independence.', LPC, a licensed professional therapist, shares with Parade that it's 'when you're in a committed relationship, emotionally, sexually, maybe even legally, but you don't share a mailing address.' Guenther (AKA TherapyJeff on Instagram and TikTok, where he has 1.1 million and 2.8 million followers, respectively) adds, 'It's not new but it is gaining traction as we collectively realize that 'love' and 'constant physical proximity' aren't the same thing."In the same vein, Dr. McMahon also shares that while it might sound modern, it's not.'What's changed is that more couples feel empowered to make their relationships fit them, rather than forcing themselves into a one-size-fits-all structure,' she Before you cast LAT relationships aside completely because of how different they sound or how much you're sure it won't work for you, there are benefits to a "living apart together" McMahon, who is also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist, tells Parade that LAT relationships can mean less friction because there are no more debates about messiness, morning routines or noise levels if you're not living also mentions that there can be more appreciation for each other in your couple, because 'seeing each other becomes an event, not a background routine.''Some couples tell me, 'This is the first time I've missed you in years,'' she adds. 'Distance can reignite desire.'Guenther shares similar benefits, saying that living apart together means you get your own space, schedule and even your own toothpaste. 'And, this is the big one, you get to choose when and how you engage, instead of just cohabiting out of habit or obligation,' he explains. 'LATs often have better sex [than before], fewer petty fights and more appreciation for each other's weird little quirks because you don't have to live with them 24/7.'Couples who choose to be in a LAT relationship also have more autonomy, Dr. McMahon shares, which she also mentions is 'especially important' for those who are neurodivergent or who have 'intense careers.'On that note, she also says that living apart together can grant you 'career harmony' and greater income because you're not 'forced to relocate, sacrifice or suppress your ambitions' which can lead to you pursuing 'the most lucrative jobs… without sacrificing an intimate bond.'Related: When you're not living together, every in-person meeting or interaction needs to be planned out. Or even if you have an 'open door' policy of sorts, you still need to factor into your routine how far away they live and how you'll get there. If you don't have a car or reliable transportation, this can pose a problem. Not to mention, the challenge of figuring out how to handle distance in a LAT relationship can especially impact physical intimacy. 'It's not easier than living together—it's just different,' Dr, McMahon notes. But she does say that it can be best for some. 'For the right couples, it's healthier.'Related: Double the homes means double the bills. You'll have to pay for two separate living spaces (homes, apartments, etc.) and that comes with separate utility bills, internet bills and groceries. Which can be a strain on anyone in this current economic climate. While it's easy to say you don't care what others think about you or your relationship, it's harder when it happens. Dr. McMahon says that judgment from friends and family is a notable challenge if you choose to live apart together. Guenther agrees.'Some people might see your setup as 'less serious,'' he says. However, he does note that that's not always bad; it's 'annoying but also kind of freeing.' Dr. McMahon says that there's also the con or challenge of risking emotional drift without deliberate connection in a LAT relationship. 'LAT takes effort,' she says. 'Intimacy isn't automatic—you have to plan for it.' When you aren't coming home after work to your partner and you have different schedules, you not only need to make time for each other, but you need to have really strong communication skills to make it work.'There's no 'default' path,' Guenther says. 'Which means everything needs to be talked about. (Yes, even who hosts Christmas).' Good communication can be a challenge for any couple, but it really breaks down if it's not there in a LAT relationship. As you can imagine, it can be challenging to live apart from your spouse or significant other for many reasons, one of them being the fear that they could be off cheating or having people you don't like over behind your back. So living apart together will put your trust to the ultimate test, meaning you need to really have solid trust in your partner.'You'll also need a strong sense of trust and emotional security because you're not going to be around to see what they're texting at 11 p.m. (And good! You deserve rest),' Guenther Along the lines of having good communication and trust in your relationship and your partner, there are certain rules and boundaries you may need to set if you're living apart together. Nothing should be assumed and expectations should be set. Some rules or questions Dr. McMahon says that you should discuss are: When and how often will you connect? What's the physical intimacy plan? How do you handle emergencies? What happens when needs change? Guenther has some great questions to add, including: What does commitment look like? Are overnights expected or optional? How do we handle bad days when one of us wants company and the other is nesting in sweatpants? 'LAT relationships run on communication and clarity,' he explains. 'If you hate talking about feelings, this might not be your jam.'Dr. McMahon agrees, sharing that 'the biggest risk is silent accommodation—when one person is quietly unhappy.' Full transparency is a must for living apart together to work, she adds, explaining, 'If one partner's quietly suffering, the whole setup unravels."Related: How do you even know if a LAT relationship is right for you? Well, Dr. McMahon has five signs. 'You thrive on solitude.' 'You love your partner, but miss having your own space.' 'Your careers are in different cities.' 'You argue less when apart': 'If your fights vanish when you have space, LAT might be your sweet spot.' 'You feel more emotionally connected when physical space is honored.' Living apart together isn't for everyone. While you might already know it won't work for you or it doesn't seem appealing to you, here are some signs that it's not a good fit, according to Dr. McMahon. 'If one person is just going along to keep the peace.' 'One wants to keep the relationship closed and the other wants to open it up to dating other people casually.' 'If it's a way to avoid addressing big problems.' 'If either partner needs daily affection to feel secure.' 'If communication is already poor—it'll likely get worse with distance.' You've made it this far, so you might be wondering, point blank, do LAT relationships even work? Guenther says that it 'sure does' but 'for the right people''LAT isn't the backup plan for folks who 'just couldn't make living together work,'' he explains. 'It's the main plan for people who know themselves, know their needs and want connection without co-dependence. It's not easier, necessarily, but it can be way more intentional.'Dr. McMahon says that relationships can survive the shift to living apart together, and can thrive for the first time in years in some cases. 'Distance can create room to breathe—and remember why you chose each other,' she explains. 'It's not always forever, but it can be the right thing for now.'This kind of living arrangement can be an 'upgrade'—not a compromise—for some couples. 'LAT isn't about doing marriage wrong,' Dr. McMahon shares. 'It's about doing it your way. With the right intention, living apart can lead to deeper connection, fewer fights and a fresh, exciting way to love.'Again, you don't have to turn to a LAT relationship to make your partnership thrive or work. Living apart together isn't for everyone, and sometimes it's not distance that can help. 'If you're struggling to make it work? A couples retreat can help create rituals, improve communication and strengthen your bond—no moving truck required,' she Next:Dr. Kathy McMahon is a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc. She's also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist. Jeff Guenther, LPC, is a licensed professional therapist. You might know him as TherapyJeff, which is what he goes by on Instagram and TikTok, where he has 1.1 million and 2.8 million followers, respectively.
Yahoo
10-05-2025
- Yahoo
I chose to live abroad and travel the world over becoming a mother. As I approach 50, I'm wondering if I made the right decision.
I've lived abroad since 2018, traveling solo through 10 countries and building a child-free life. My 70-year-old father recently made me realize I chose a life without many roots or bonds. Now, I'm reimagining my future by planting deeper roots and creating community. On most Sundays, I walk to the beach in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, with a papaya, blackberry, and banana fruit bowl packed in my bag. After a couple of hours of sun, sand, and salt water, I go home, shower, and call my dad. Our conversations are usually quick and light: How's life? How's business? What's for dinner? But one recent Sunday, my 70-year-old father shifted gears. He wanted to discuss his end-of-life wishes: burial plans, the house, and the family heirlooms. It wasn't a sad conversation, just practical. Still, after we hung up, I panicked. My father is my last close relative. When he's gone, I won't just grieve him. I'll be facing the full weight of being alone in the life I happily created. I've lived abroad since 2018, traveling solo through 10 countries with an overstuffed backpack and a duffel bag of prized possessions. I originally planned a three-month trip to Thailand to reset my life, but it turned into something bigger. This wasn't my first adventure abroad. In my early 20s, I joined the Peace Corps and served in Togo, West Africa, where I met my now ex-husband. I always held a vision of us traveling throughout Africa together with a kid or two in tow. However the marriage ended after eight years. I met another gentleman who also promised me that one day we'd travel the world together. After five years, I had to face the fact that it would never come to pass. At 40, I was still single and childless, so I chose myself. I moved abroad and haven't stopped traveling since — building a life I love. I believed for years that building a life abroad that was full of sunrises on new beaches and friendships across cultures would be enough to last the rest of my life. And it was, until that Sunday call. My dad's casual conversation about mortality rattled me. His voice has always been an anchor, a living thread connecting me to my roots. The thought of losing him triggered something deeper: Who would care for me when he's gone? Who will be in my corner when I need help? Who would remember my birthday without a Facebook reminder? I realized something more sobering: the chosen families and vibrant friendships I've built abroad may not be the ones at my side when it's my time for me to pass on. It's not about regret. I don't regret choosing freedom, travel, or a child-free life. I'm grateful for the woman I've become. But facing the eventual loss of my father marks a new chapter in my life, one where I understand that I need to create an even stronger root system for myself. Since that conversation, I've started reimagining my future. Instead of drifting from place to place, I'm laying foundations for something more permanent. I've set my sights on San Miguel de Allende, a colorful artists' town in central Mexico known for its creative energy and strong community ties. I dream of buying a Spanish colonial home where I store my collection of medicinal herbs in the kitchen, my favorite cookbooks and travel memoirs in the living room, and host dinner parties around the wood fired pizza oven in the back. Having a home will help me build deeper relationships that extend beyond passing travel companions. I'm also dedicated to improving my Spanish so I can truly connect with neighbors, not just wave hello from across the street. I want to be invited to family dinners and become part of the local fabric — not just a visitor passing through. This moment isn't about fear overtaking my life or regretting my decisions because I'm proud of the solo life I've built. Rather, it's about choosing to live more intentionally than I ever have before. Now, as I approach 50, I'm learning that choosing freedom also means choosing to anchor myself in new ways. The next chapter of my life won't be about wandering; it will be about belonging. Halona Black is a memoir coach and freelance journalist who writes about food, travel, well-being, and spirituality. She can be reached on LinkedIn. Read the original article on Business Insider
