What's a 'LAT' Relationship? Therapists Weigh In on This Fascinating Trend

Yahoo

22-05-2025

Relationships are a lot of work. Even healthy relationships take effort and you have to be an active participant every day. Constantly communicating your feelings and where you're at is integral to a solid partnership, but for some, that doesn't mean you have to be together 24/7. For some, living apart together is the way that they keep their love alive and their relationship intact. Even if you're head-over-heels in love with your partner, you can probably agree that there are times when you just need your own space. Whether it's after a fight or you just need to recharge your social battery alone, solitary time in a relationship is important. After all, you both have your own interests, hobbies and your own TV shows you keep up with. Being in a couple doesn't mean you throw away what makes you you, so it's understandable that partners need to unwind in a solo environment from time to time. However, a LAT relationship offers a different and unconventional way to deal with that.Living apart together—or LAT—relationships are becoming more popular on social media and present a very different idea of what living arrangements look like for serious couples. You can even have a LAT marriage if this is something that works for you. 'It's not 'settling'—for some couples, it's love done better,', a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc., tells Parade. But how do you know if living apart together would work for your relationship? Parade spoke with therapy professionals about what LAT relationships and LAT marriages are, along with signs it could work for you, plus its benefits. We also touch on the cons or challenges of this type of arrangement and when it might not be the right answer for couples. Related:
So, what exactly is a LAT relationship and what does it entail? 'LAT stands for Living Apart Together,' Dr. McMahon explains. 'It refers to couples—married or not—who maintain a committed romantic relationship while living in separate homes. This isn't a step toward divorce. For many, it's a conscious, long-term choice that allows both intimacy and independence.', LPC, a licensed professional therapist, shares with Parade that it's 'when you're in a committed relationship, emotionally, sexually, maybe even legally, but you don't share a mailing address.' Guenther (AKA TherapyJeff on Instagram and TikTok, where he has 1.1 million and 2.8 million followers, respectively) adds, 'It's not new but it is gaining traction as we collectively realize that 'love' and 'constant physical proximity' aren't the same thing."In the same vein, Dr. McMahon also shares that while it might sound modern, it's not.'What's changed is that more couples feel empowered to make their relationships fit them, rather than forcing themselves into a one-size-fits-all structure,' she says.Related:
Before you cast LAT relationships aside completely because of how different they sound or how much you're sure it won't work for you, there are benefits to a "living apart together" partnership.Dr. McMahon, who is also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist, tells Parade that LAT relationships can mean less friction because there are no more debates about messiness, morning routines or noise levels if you're not living together.She also mentions that there can be more appreciation for each other in your couple, because 'seeing each other becomes an event, not a background routine.''Some couples tell me, 'This is the first time I've missed you in years,'' she adds. 'Distance can reignite desire.'Guenther shares similar benefits, saying that living apart together means you get your own space, schedule and even your own toothpaste. 'And, this is the big one, you get to choose when and how you engage, instead of just cohabiting out of habit or obligation,' he explains. 'LATs often have better sex [than before], fewer petty fights and more appreciation for each other's weird little quirks because you don't have to live with them 24/7.'Couples who choose to be in a LAT relationship also have more autonomy, Dr. McMahon shares, which she also mentions is 'especially important' for those who are neurodivergent or who have 'intense careers.'On that note, she also says that living apart together can grant you 'career harmony' and greater income because you're not 'forced to relocate, sacrifice or suppress your ambitions' which can lead to you pursuing 'the most lucrative jobs… without sacrificing an intimate bond.'Related:
When you're not living together, every in-person meeting or interaction needs to be planned out. Or even if you have an 'open door' policy of sorts, you still need to factor into your routine how far away they live and how you'll get there. If you don't have a car or reliable transportation, this can pose a problem. Not to mention, the challenge of figuring out how to handle distance in a LAT relationship can especially impact physical intimacy. 'It's not easier than living together—it's just different,' Dr, McMahon notes. But she does say that it can be best for some. 'For the right couples, it's healthier.'Related:
Double the homes means double the bills. You'll have to pay for two separate living spaces (homes, apartments, etc.) and that comes with separate utility bills, internet bills and groceries. Which can be a strain on anyone in this current economic climate.
While it's easy to say you don't care what others think about you or your relationship, it's harder when it happens. Dr. McMahon says that judgment from friends and family is a notable challenge if you choose to live apart together. Guenther agrees.'Some people might see your setup as 'less serious,'' he says. However, he does note that that's not always bad; it's 'annoying but also kind of freeing.'
Dr. McMahon says that there's also the con or challenge of risking emotional drift without deliberate connection in a LAT relationship. 'LAT takes effort,' she says. 'Intimacy isn't automatic—you have to plan for it.'
When you aren't coming home after work to your partner and you have different schedules, you not only need to make time for each other, but you need to have really strong communication skills to make it work.'There's no 'default' path,' Guenther says. 'Which means everything needs to be talked about. (Yes, even who hosts Christmas).' Good communication can be a challenge for any couple, but it really breaks down if it's not there in a LAT relationship.
As you can imagine, it can be challenging to live apart from your spouse or significant other for many reasons, one of them being the fear that they could be off cheating or having people you don't like over behind your back. So living apart together will put your trust to the ultimate test, meaning you need to really have solid trust in your partner.'You'll also need a strong sense of trust and emotional security because you're not going to be around to see what they're texting at 11 p.m. (And good! You deserve rest),' Guenther says.Related:
Along the lines of having good communication and trust in your relationship and your partner, there are certain rules and boundaries you may need to set if you're living apart together. Nothing should be assumed and expectations should be set. Some rules or questions Dr. McMahon says that you should discuss are:
When and how often will you connect?
What's the physical intimacy plan?
How do you handle emergencies?
What happens when needs change?
Guenther has some great questions to add, including:
What does commitment look like?
Are overnights expected or optional?
How do we handle bad days when one of us wants company and the other is nesting in sweatpants?
'LAT relationships run on communication and clarity,' he explains. 'If you hate talking about feelings, this might not be your jam.'Dr. McMahon agrees, sharing that 'the biggest risk is silent accommodation—when one person is quietly unhappy.' Full transparency is a must for living apart together to work, she adds, explaining, 'If one partner's quietly suffering, the whole setup unravels."Related:
How do you even know if a LAT relationship is right for you? Well, Dr. McMahon has five signs.
'You thrive on solitude.'
'You love your partner, but miss having your own space.'
'Your careers are in different cities.'
'You argue less when apart': 'If your fights vanish when you have space, LAT might be your sweet spot.'
'You feel more emotionally connected when physical space is honored.'
Living apart together isn't for everyone. While you might already know it won't work for you or it doesn't seem appealing to you, here are some signs that it's not a good fit, according to Dr. McMahon.
'If one person is just going along to keep the peace.'
'One wants to keep the relationship closed and the other wants to open it up to dating other people casually.'
'If it's a way to avoid addressing big problems.'
'If either partner needs daily affection to feel secure.'
'If communication is already poor—it'll likely get worse with distance.'
You've made it this far, so you might be wondering, point blank, do LAT relationships even work? Guenther says that it 'sure does' but 'for the right people''LAT isn't the backup plan for folks who 'just couldn't make living together work,'' he explains. 'It's the main plan for people who know themselves, know their needs and want connection without co-dependence. It's not easier, necessarily, but it can be way more intentional.'Dr. McMahon says that relationships can survive the shift to living apart together, and can thrive for the first time in years in some cases. 'Distance can create room to breathe—and remember why you chose each other,' she explains. 'It's not always forever, but it can be the right thing for now.'This kind of living arrangement can be an 'upgrade'—not a compromise—for some couples. 'LAT isn't about doing marriage wrong,' Dr. McMahon shares. 'It's about doing it your way. With the right intention, living apart can lead to deeper connection, fewer fights and a fresh, exciting way to love.'Again, you don't have to turn to a LAT relationship to make your partnership thrive or work. Living apart together isn't for everyone, and sometimes it's not distance that can help. 'If you're struggling to make it work? A couples retreat can help create rituals, improve communication and strengthen your bond—no moving truck required,' she says.Up Next:Dr. Kathy McMahon is a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc. She's also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist.
Jeff Guenther, LPC, is a licensed professional therapist. You might know him as TherapyJeff, which is what he goes by on Instagram and TikTok, where he has 1.1 million and 2.8 million followers, respectively.