5 days ago
There's a dangerous type of narcissist you might have never heard of - but she's probably in your life
When most of us picture a narcissist, it's someone who works a room like a pro.
The type of person who oozes charm, is dressed to kill, and is very good at making everything about them.
Our minds may even pivot to images of slick, self-assured energy of a TV antihero or the big boss who thrives on being the centre of attention.
But according to Perth-based dating and relationship expert Louanne Ward, there's another type of narcissist in our midst - and it's far harder to spot.
The traits of 'vulnerable' narcissism (also known as covert narcissism), are a far cry from grand gestures, dominating conversations, and public power plays. No, this one hides behind a softer, more 'relatable' mask.
'They might seem shy, socially withdrawn, self-deprecating or even a little insecure,' Louanne told Daily Mail.
'They're the kind of person you'd never imagine could be manipulative.
But underneath, the self-focus and hunger for validation is exactly the same as the classic narcissist - 'they just go about getting it differently.'
Why women often display the 'quieter' form of narcissism
Ward says gender norms play a big role in how narcissism shows up.
'We've been taught that being loud, cocky, or unapologetically self-promoting is unfeminine. So for some women, the drive for attention and approval gets wrapped in humility, sensitivity, or victimhood instead,' she explained.
'It's still about being noticed and valued, just in a package that aligns with what's rewarded in women.'
The dating red flags you should never ignore
In a partner, however, Louanne warns that vulnerable narcissists can come across as deeply sensitive.
They can also trick us by seeming emotionally attuned and even fragile in the early stages of dating - which can make them hard to resist.
According to Louanne, some early warning signs include fast-tracked emotional intimacy by sharing deep, vulnerable stories within days of meeting as well as the tell-tale love bombing and sharing endless praise about your soul, your energy, your 'rare' connection.
She also listed 'guilt through fragility' which revolves around acting wounded or hurt if you make other plans without them.
'Subtle loyalty tests are also a way of manipulation,' said Louanne.
'They tell tales of past heartbreak and make you promise you'd never do the same.'
Other traits include going cold when they don't get their way, feigning sudden 'emergencies' that derail your plans so you'll focus on them, and soft-gaslighting by using terms like: 'that's not how I remember it' or 'you misunderstood me' to make you doubt yourself.
How it plays out behind closed doors
Once in a relationship, Louanne says the patterns often intensify.
Expect scorekeeping, stonewalling, withdrawing affection until you apologise, and rewriting history to make them the victim.
Even gentle feedback can result in tearful meltdowns that flip the script and put you in the role of comforter.
'They can also create emotional dependency, convincing you they can't cope without you,' Louanne said.
'It makes you feel guilty or selfish for putting your own needs first.'
The manipulation tactics to watch for
One of the most common is a term called 'triangulation', which brings a third person into the mix to make you feel insecure or competitive.
'It might be a compliment about an ex, mentioning someone who flirts with them, or comparing you unfavourably to someone else,' Louanne explained. 'The goal is to make you chase their approval.
Other tools in the covert narcissist's kit include guilt-tripping, playing the victim to divert attention from your concerns, and the silent treatment to force you to make amends.
Why they're so hard to spot, and even harder to leave
Louanne says the problem is these relationships don't start out looking toxic.
'They may appear misunderstood, unlucky in love, or just deeply sensitive. You feel needed, and that bond is intense.
'By the time you notice patterns, you've often explained them away.'
And because they're often polite, shy or 'nice' in public, friends and family may struggle to believe your side of the story.
Can they change?
Vulnerable narcissism is often rooted in deep insecurity and shaped by early experiences of feeling unseen or unprotected.
'It's a defence system that says, 'I'll keep you close so you can't hurt me. But I'll still make sure I'm getting my needs met first,' Louanne explained.
However she believes change is possible, but it is rare without genuine self-awareness and long-term therapy.
'Narcissistic traits are tied to a fragile sense of self, so feedback can feel like an attack,' she added.
If you suspect you're dealing with one, Louanne's advice is clear: track the patterns, set small, firm boundaries, and reality-check your experiences with a trusted friend or therapist.
'It's not about diagnosing them, it's about protecting your emotional space and deciding what's right for you.'
