17 hours ago
Help! I Can Afford My Best Friend's Destination Wedding. But There's Another Reason I Really Don't Want to Be There.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
One of my best friends is getting married next year at an all-inclusive resort, because she doesn't want to spend the money on a wedding. I don't blame her, but I don't want to spend the money to go to the resort. It's not that I can't afford it; I just don't believe in spending $1,000-plus for a few days (yes, that's the cost for three nights; two isn't much cheaper) by a swimming pool eating mediocre food. That's just really not my idea of a good time at all, and while I would love to see her get married, I know I'll just be resentful the whole time that I spent all this money. Am I selfish for not going?
—Am I Being Selfish?
Dear Selfish,
One of the upsides of a destination wedding is giving everyone in your life a guilt-free reason for not attending. Just because it might not ruin you to spend more than $1,000 (and that's not including travel and formal wear) on a single weekend doesn't mean you're obligated to spend the money. If she's one of your best friends and there's any sort of compromise that feels workable and like it wouldn't be too much of a strain on your budget, I think you should at least consider it, but it's not like you're saying 'No' to a wedding on the other side of town. Offer to take her out when she gets back so you can celebrate her nuptials locally, and sleep soundly.
—Danny M. Lavery
From: Help! The Son of an Acquaintance Died. Is It Rude to Ask How? (Aug. 21, 2018).
Dear Prudence,
I met my current boyfriend, 'Drew,' a few years ago, though we didn't start dating until recently, partly because when we met, he had a girlfriend. Wading into this new relationship is a bit easier than usual because I've known Drew for a while, but something happened not long ago that made me uncomfortable: He mentioned that it was nice to be sleeping with a thin woman again after three-and-a-half years with his ex. I found this attempted compliment uncommonly mean and weird. It was obvious I was upset, and Drew made an excuse to leave soon after.
I'm not friends with Drew's ex, but I've met her and she's nice and even if she wasn't, what he said was a low blow. How should I talk to him about this?
—Compared to an Ex
Dear Compared,
'It really bothered me that you spoke so negatively about your ex's body the last time I saw you. I don't normally see you comparing women's bodies, so I'm having trouble understanding this side of you. Telling me something snide and unkind about the body of a woman you used to have sex with doesn't impress me, and it doesn't make me feel like I've been complimented. It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsure of your character, and it makes me wonder what you might say to other women about my body. What's going on here?'
If he can acknowledge that what he did was unkind and unnecessary and offer a sincere apology, then that's one thing; if he gets evasive or says you must have misunderstood him or that he was 'just trying to be nice,' I think you've seen a side of him that might change how you see him as a boyfriend.
—D. M. L.
From: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. (Oct. 10, 2018).
Dear Prudence,
I'm a fan of a sport that doesn't have many female fans, let alone gay ones like myself. My childhood BFF and I took a trip out of state together last year to see the big game, and that's where we met 'Becky' and 'Donna,' a couple who had also traveled for the event. We got along wonderfully, and the four of us have since gone to games together as often as distance will allow.
Here's my dilemma. I'm thinking of taking a road trip next summer, just for fun, and I want to invite Becky and Donna with me. I love my BFF, I really do, but I think we're better as long-distance friends. I sleep in, she's an early riser; I plan, she's spontaneous. We're at each other's throats by Day 3 of cohabitation. Also, she can say thoughtless things sometimes, insulting how I look, etc. I know she doesn't mean it badly, but without the buffer of distance, our interactions get increasingly tense. With Becky and Donna, it's easy to be myself and we mesh perfectly; I would love to be stuck in a smelly van with them for weeks. I worry BFF would be incredibly hurt by this, since she sees us as a dynamic foursome. They live as far from me as my BFF does, so I couldn't pass it off as convenience. How do I ask them to join me but leave out my BFF? And how do I tell my BFF, who I rarely get to see in person, that I love her, but don't want to spend that time with her?
—Cherry-Picking Vacation Buddies
Dear Cherry-Picking,
I know you're worried that your BFF will be hurt by your decision, but it sounds like right now your friendship is based on the premise that it's sort of OK for her to hurt you, because saying thoughtless things is apparently an unchangeable part of her personality. I think you should invite Becky and Donna on your road trip without a moment's hesitation. Just because you met them while on a trip with your BFF does not mean you signed a contract promising only to hang out together as a foursome in perpetuity. Have you ever talked to your BFF about the disparities in your travel preferences or the fact that she regularly says things that hurt you, including unkind remarks about your physical appearance? If not, I think you should consider it, even if it's uncoupled from telling her about taking a vacation with Becky and Donna. You are not doing something wrong by wanting to travel with other friends and so do not need to apologize for it. If your BFF is unable to listen to you talk about how her remarks hurt you, then it may be time to reconsider the friendship.
—D. M. L.
From: Help! My Niece and Nephew Took My Teenage Daughter Out of State to Get an Abortion. (Sept. 18, 2018).
Yesterday was my son's birthday. On Saturday, I took him and two friends to a preseason pro football game, including a tailgate before the game and pizza afterward, as his birthday gift. When my ex-husband heard about the football game, he declared that I hadn't given our son 'a real gift,' as in something tangible to open…
