Dear Coleen: He didn't want a big funeral but I want to say goodbye
A close friend of mine died recently after being diagnosed with cancer about 18 months ago.
I didn't get to see him at the end because he didn't want to see anyone, and now I've been told the funeral is being kept to four people – his parents, his partner and his brother.
These were my friend's specific wishes, so there's nothing to be done about it.
His partner explained that it wasn't because he didn't love his friends, but that he just didn't want any fuss and wanted to go quietly and spare people the sadness of a funeral.
Honestly, I feel bereft, though, and don't know what to do with all these feelings I have. I understand now why funerals are so important – they give you the chance to say goodbye and start the healing journey, as well as marking the end of someone's life and putting them to rest.
What's so upsetting and frustrating is that there was still so much I wanted to say to him before he died, including how much he meant to me.
Any suggestions on how to deal with these emotions and how I can move forward would be very welcome.
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Coleen says
Well, firstly, I'm absolutely certain your friend knew how much he meant to you. But he'd been ill for a while and had time to think about what he wanted at the end and you have to respect his wishes.
Maybe he didn't want his partner to have to pay for a big funeral and wake. Whatever his reasons, it's clear from what his partner said that he loved his friends, including you, so this isn't a snub. I think there are ways to mark his passing yourself.
Maybe on the day he's being buried or cremated, take some time for yourself to remember him and go to a place that holds special memories for you both and say some words. Tell him what he meant to you.
You could also get together with some of your other friends and have a little wake of your own, so you can have a drink to him and reminisce about the good times you shared.
Just meet in the pub and talk about him. You don't have to be standing in front of a coffin to express how you felt about him.
I think it'll give you a lift to be around other people who knew him, and it'll help with your grief, too, but just keep in mind that the feelings you have won't just suddenly disappear, so give yourself time.
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