
Dear Coleen: He didn't want a big funeral but I want to say goodbye
A close friend of mine died recently after being diagnosed with cancer about 18 months ago.
I didn't get to see him at the end because he didn't want to see anyone, and now I've been told the funeral is being kept to four people – his parents, his partner and his brother.
These were my friend's specific wishes, so there's nothing to be done about it.
His partner explained that it wasn't because he didn't love his friends, but that he just didn't want any fuss and wanted to go quietly and spare people the sadness of a funeral.
Honestly, I feel bereft, though, and don't know what to do with all these feelings I have. I understand now why funerals are so important – they give you the chance to say goodbye and start the healing journey, as well as marking the end of someone's life and putting them to rest.
What's so upsetting and frustrating is that there was still so much I wanted to say to him before he died, including how much he meant to me.
Any suggestions on how to deal with these emotions and how I can move forward would be very welcome.
Join the Daily Record WhatsApp community!
Get the latest news sent straight to your messages by joining our WhatsApp community today.
You'll receive daily updates on breaking news as well as the top headlines across Scotland.
No one will be able to see who is signed up and no one can send messages except the Daily Record team.
All you have to do is click here if you're on mobile, select 'Join Community' and you're in!
If you're on a desktop, simply scan the QR code above with your phone and click 'Join Community'.
We also treat our community members to special offers, promotions, and adverts from us and our partners. If you don't like our community, you can check out any time you like.
To leave our community click on the name at the top of your screen and choose 'exit group'.
If you're curious, you can read our Privacy Notice.
Coleen says
Well, firstly, I'm absolutely certain your friend knew how much he meant to you. But he'd been ill for a while and had time to think about what he wanted at the end and you have to respect his wishes.
Maybe he didn't want his partner to have to pay for a big funeral and wake. Whatever his reasons, it's clear from what his partner said that he loved his friends, including you, so this isn't a snub. I think there are ways to mark his passing yourself.
Maybe on the day he's being buried or cremated, take some time for yourself to remember him and go to a place that holds special memories for you both and say some words. Tell him what he meant to you.
You could also get together with some of your other friends and have a little wake of your own, so you can have a drink to him and reminisce about the good times you shared.
Just meet in the pub and talk about him. You don't have to be standing in front of a coffin to express how you felt about him.
I think it'll give you a lift to be around other people who knew him, and it'll help with your grief, too, but just keep in mind that the feelings you have won't just suddenly disappear, so give yourself time.

Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles


Daily Record
5 hours ago
- Daily Record
900 year old carved stone head found on Scottish island in 'find of a lifetime'
The artefact is now being preserved along with other finds from the dig and will be cleaned and eventually put on public display An archaeology student has uncovered what could be a 900-year-old carved sandstone head on the Orkney island of Rousay, in what experts are calling a 'find of a lifetime'. Katie Joss, an undergraduate from the University of the Highlands and Islands (UHI) Archaeology Institute, made the remarkable discovery at Skaill Farm during an excavation of a large wall foundation. As she removed a slab, the intricately carved head tumbled into her hands. 'It was quite a shock,' Joss told the BBC. 'We were removing a slab when the head came rolling out at us and as we turned it around we saw a face looking back at us. It was really exciting.' The object is believed to be crafted from rich red sandstone, complete with yellow inclusions, and is thought to have originated from the island of Eday. According to archaeologists, the stone appears similar to other material used in the nearby St Mary's old parish church. Dr Sarah Jane Gibbon, co-director of the Skaill Farm excavation and part of the UHI Archaeology Institute, expressed her surprise at the detail and craftsmanship of the carving. 'This is such an exciting find,' she said. 'Over the years excavating at Skaill and The Wirk, the nearby hall tower, we have found several interesting moulded pieces of red sandstone but nothing like this!' She described the head as being carved to be viewed from the front at a slight angle, allowing the viewer to appreciate the finely detailed locks of hair on the top of the head. 'The eyes appear closed as there is nothing to indicate pupils,' she said. 'The slight smile and asymmetric eyebrows express real character.' Although the head is largely intact, its nose is broken off. Dr Gibbon said it remains unclear whether the damage was intentional. 'Could this have been done deliberately as an act of iconoclasm or was this accidental?' she wondered. 'It's odd that no other part of the head is damaged.' The style of the eyes has been loosely compared to early phases of the stonework found in St Magnus Cathedral in Kirkwall, though Gibbon noted she 'could find no comparison for the serene expression' captured in the carving. Join the Daily Record WhatsApp community! Get the latest news sent straight to your messages by joining our WhatsApp community today. You'll receive daily updates on breaking news as well as the top headlines across Scotland. No one will be able to see who is signed up and no one can send messages except the Daily Record team. All you have to do is click here if you're on mobile, select 'Join Community' and you're in! If you're on a desktop, simply scan the QR code above with your phone and click 'Join Community'. We also treat our community members to special offers, promotions, and adverts from us and our partners. If you don't like our community, you can check out any time you like. To leave our community click on the name at the top of your screen and choose 'exit group'. If you're curious, you can read our Privacy Notice. The artefact is now being preserved along with other finds from the dig and will be cleaned and eventually put on public display. The Skaill excavation is now in its tenth year and is located directly over what was once a prominent Norse settlement. The name Skaill comes from the Old Norse word 'skáli', meaning 'hall', and the site is believed to have belonged to the powerful 12th-century Viking chieftain, Sigurd of Westness. The discovery adds to a growing collection of artefacts linked to the Norse occupation of Rousay and may offer further insights into life and artistry in medieval Orkney.


Daily Record
20 hours ago
- Daily Record
The one way to know for sure which neighbour is responsible for garden fence
The question of who should pay for a fence is a common source of disputes among neighbours - but there is an easy way to find out. Struggling to determine who's responsible for a garden fence in need of repair? Well, you're not alone, as it's a common issue among Brits, with many airing their grievances on social media. Fortunately, specialists have divulged the one way to find out "with certainty" which neighbour ought to be painting, repairing, or even replacing the fence between two homes. Many homeowners might try to pass the buck to their neighbours instead of mending the fence themselves, leading to endless back-and-forth arguments. Some neighbours are even reluctant to share costs equally because they don't view it as their problem. However, it could very well be their fence that requires attention, even if they didn't realise it. So, what's the definitive method to resolve this conundrum? Jacksons Fencing experts assert there's only one surefire approach to settle disputes and alleviate the tension with your adjacent household, reports the Mirror. One initial indicator is to check if the 'good' side of the fence is facing your property, as it's common practice for homeowners to have the 'good' side outward. The professionals at Jacksons Fencing clarify: "Typically, you can guess who owns a fence by seeing where the rails are, with the fence typically facing away from their property so that their neighbour gets the 'good' side of the fence." They add: "This is the most secure way of facing fencing so there are no rails for anyone to use to climb into your garden. This is then repeated with the neighbour on the other side to ensure that each home has both a 'good' and 'bad' fence side." Whilst this represents a quick and simple method for making an educated guess about fence ownership, the experts revealed that it frustratingly isn't a guaranteed approach. The sole way to definitively establish ownership is by consulting the Title Plan or Land Registry documents. Within these records, a 'T' symbol shows who the boundary belongs to, which will determine responsibility for fence maintenance. Should the 'T' marking appear on both sides creating an 'H' shape, the fence is jointly owned and both neighbours must collaborate on its upkeep as it constitutes a 'party wall'. Join the Daily Record WhatsApp community! Get the latest news sent straight to your messages by joining our WhatsApp community today. You'll receive daily updates on breaking news as well as the top headlines across Scotland. No one will be able to see who is signed up and no one can send messages except the Daily Record team. All you have to do is click here if you're on mobile, select 'Join Community' and you're in! If you're on a desktop, simply scan the QR code above with your phone and click 'Join Community'. We also treat our community members to special offers, promotions, and adverts from us and our partners. If you don't like our community, you can check out any time you like. To leave our community click on the name at the top of your screen and choose 'exit group'. If you're curious, you can read our Privacy Notice. Should you believe the boundary is wrong, the specialists suggest examining the Land Registry to discover who bears responsibility for the fence - regardless of whether the property is rented or owned. Nevertheless, if your neighbour owns the fence but allows it to become an eyesore, regrettably it's not simply a matter of requesting they address it, and this issue may need disclosure during house sales. Jacksons Fencing explained: "Frustratingly, there is no way to make your neighbour repair their fence, even if it is rotting and making your garden look unsightly. "You can look to hire a disputes expert but this will go down as an official dispute and will have to be declared when selling your house. "The only way to get around this would be to install your own fence within your boundary right next to it."


Daily Record
3 days ago
- Daily Record
Plane carrying 49 people 'disappears' from radar over Russia
A total of 43 passengers, including five children, and six crew members were on the flight. A plane carrying 49 people has disappeared from radar over Russia's Far Eastern Amur region, notes the regional governor local officials. Vasily Orlov, regional governor, said that a total of 43 passengers, including five children, and six crew members were on the flight from the city of Blagoveshchensk on the Chinese border to the town of Tynda. The Siberia-based airline Angara operated An-24 reportedly fell off radar screens while approaching a town in the Amur region bordering China, its destination of Tynda, according to the local emergencies ministry. On Telegram, he wrote: 'All necessary forces and means have been deployed to search for the plane.' Russian news agency Interfax reported that the emergency services said: 'The An-24 plane was flying along the Khabarovsk-Blagoveshchensk-Tynda route. It failed to pass security checks near its final destination. There is no contact with it.' Join the Daily Record WhatsApp community! Get the latest news sent straight to your messages by joining our WhatsApp community today. You'll receive daily updates on breaking news as well as the top headlines across Scotland. No one will be able to see who is signed up and no one can send messages except the Daily Record team. All you have to do is click here if you're on mobile, select 'Join Community' and you're in! If you're on a desktop, simply scan the QR code above with your phone and click 'Join Community'. We also treat our community members to special offers, promotions, and adverts from us and our partners. If you don't like our community, you can check out any time you like. To leave our community click on the name at the top of your screen and choose 'exit group'. Get all the big headlines, pictures, analysis, opinion and video on the stories that matter to you. Follow us on Twitter @Daily_Record - the official Daily Record Twitter account - real news in real time. We're also on Facebook - your must-see news, features, videos and pictures throughout the day from the Daily Record, Sunday Mail and Record Online