‘I still write to her every day': How we stay in touch with lost loved ones

Telegraph

03-03-2025

From the moment he met her in 1986 to the day she passed away in 2021, actor Richard E Grant loved to have daily conversations with his wife, Joan Washington.
Now, four years after her death, he has revealed that he still talks to her – via email.
'I have no woolly spiritual delusion that she's hearing this, or that I'm going to get a response, but it somehow keeps the connection going,' says the Withnail and I star. 'So, I write to her – 'Dear J, today would really have amused you...' It makes it feel like that person is still there – it's an ongoing conversation.'
The actor claims it has helped his grief enormously. And he's not the only one who copes with loss in an unusual way…
I texted my dead auntie – and got a reply!
It's 15 years this week since I lost my auntie to cancer. Her death hit me so hard, but I found comfort in texting her to tell her my news. Of course I knew she would never reply but I needed to tell her that I was missing her or what was happening in my life. I texted her when we bought our first house, when I was pregnant and again, when I found out I was having a girl.
But about three years after her death I got a reply! It said: 'I think you must have the wrong number!' I was so shocked. The phone company must have given her number to someone else. It was upsetting to think I couldn't 'speak' to her anymore, but instead, I started chatting to her while I was in the house. I'll never forget one New Year's Eve when I asked her to show me a sign that she was with me. The kettle burst into life. I like to think that was her showing me that she was still around.
Vicky, 41, property manager
I still write Mother's Day cards for mum
My Mum died in 2021 from a Glioblastoma brain tumour, and I remember feeling extremely upset by little things like not being able to buy her a card on her birthday or Mother's Day anymore. My husband very gently told me that I could, and this was when I started to write cards and letters to her, to tell her how much I missed her and things about my life and her grandchildren.
It is really comforting to be able to choose her a card as I would have done when she was alive and to write something to her. I keep them in a box together with the letter she wrote to me before she died and some photos of her. It helps me feel connected to her, especially with events like Mother's Day, which can feel isolating without a Mum. Being able to still celebrate these moments, albeit in a different way has helped me as part of my grieving.
Danielle Seatter, 53, owner of Eco-Able, a sustainable business
I say hello to the planes my father kept safe
My father Derrick died in 1990. He'd been ill for only six weeks, and I was devastated. I was so close to him. Dad was supervisor of engineering for British Airways and he and his team had worked on the prototype engines for Concorde. He'd always taught me never to cut corners or do a shoddy job. So, when Concorde flew over our house in London one day after his death, I found myself standing outside and applauding it. Now, as that beautiful aircraft is no longer in the sky if I see a BA flight, I always say: 'Hiya Dad'. I know it's a daft thing to do. I don't believe in an afterlife, I'm an atheist. It simply makes me smile – and I know that a big part of overcoming a howling grief is when you can think of your loved one and smile, rather than being overwhelmed by sadness.
Lynne, 65, writer
I listen to my best friend's voicemails
My best friend Laura passed away from cancer in June 2023 at the age of 35. The immediate grief was really difficult as it was relatively quick from her being diagnosed to her being gone. I really struggled as she was four months older than me and we'd joke that she was doing life in advance and reporting back. I still have voice notes from her from when it was getting harder for her to text. She talks about her medical treatment and some about other people who had messaged her and how much she appreciated them. It's amazing to still be able to hear her voice every so often.
Laura, 37, a Transport for London network co-ordinator
We keep her alive on WhatsApp
When my grandmother Joyce was alive, we had a family WhatsApp group with nine of us who all kept an eye on her. It was called Project Nanny Ding – a name my son had given her because of her collection of wind chimes. She died in March 2020 aged 93. But since then, the WhatsApp group has been the most wonderful way for us to help heal our grief and to still feel connected to her. Not only do we share our thoughts and memories, but we share her voicemail messages – things like her shouting at my son to 'Get up! And go and clear my garden!' And we'll share videos and pictures. We'll arrange plans around her anniversaries and birthdays and I know that she's probably reading them all and thinking: 'That's brilliant!'
Vicky Borman, 46, owner of CBD Angel
I touch the screen and remember what it feels like to hold our daughter
We lost our 36-year-old daughter, Stephanie in October last year after a very short illness. The grief was unbearable. I stopped eating, sleeping, functioning. It was while looking through photographs for her funeral that I came across five videos – all around 30 seconds long – where she appears. And in one of them, you can hear her giggling. It's the only recording of her voice that we have, and watching it has really helped me because I've already forgotten her smell and I don't want her sound to be forgotten or misremembered. When I see her, I touch the screen and say her name, and it makes me remember what it felt like to hold her hand and feel close to her.
Suzanne, 53, a teacher
I listen to my husband telling me about the childcare
My husband Ben died while scuba diving off the coast of Kent in 2018 aged 42. I was 37 and had three children aged seven, six and five. It was the single most catastrophic event, so sudden and shocking that it's taken a long time to feel real. His body has not been recovered, leaving a lot of uncertainty and ambiguity.
I do have videos of him, but I have been unable to watch them in seven years. However, I do have one voicemail from him, which I listen to whenever I need to hear his voice. It says: 'Hiya baby, don't' worry about getting the baby, I am on my way' – just a mundane message about childcare arrangements, but it's all I have.
Sometimes, I still text him, particularly when I'm having a crisis or need to make a big decision or when the heartache is too much. I know he isn't reading them but it's strangely therapeutic.
Rosie Gill-Moss, 44, creator of the Widowed AF podcast
I speak to my husband via a medium
Dave, my husband of 24 years died in November 2022 of motor neurone disease. The first few weeks were difficult. I had vivid dreams where he told me he could walk again and I would wake up feeling at peace. Other days, I missed him so much I felt like I couldn't breathe. In January 2023, I attended a group seance, and Dave came through. No one suggested it, I sought it out. He said he was indeed fit and healthy and told the psychic to tell me the Beatles song I Feel Fine. We had both loved the Beatles. I have been to two other seances since and seen mediums five times. I speak to him and he gives me signs all the time – dreams, lights flashing on and off and once a family picture fell off the wall when I spoke to him. It's something I'll continue to do, even though I'm now dating again. I think it's just part of how I cope with losing him.
Sharon, 54, newspaper editor
I chat to my grandmother in the bath!
My grandma died 20 years ago. But she was the wisest woman I ever knew calm, gentle and always had brilliant advice and insights. Ever since she died, I have found comfort in talking to her when I need advice. Of course, I know she isn't really there, but she is in my head, so I usually do this when I'm in a calm, meditative place, like a hot bath or on a walk. I don't feel silly, because I think nearly all of us talk to our deceased beloved relatives. I'm glad I can do this, because I miss her and I always will.
Fran, 53, author