What is 'sleep divorce' and how can you make it work?

The National

2 days ago

For the past decade, Courtney Brandt and her husband of 20 years have been sleeping in separate rooms at their Dubai villa. They've been practising what's sometimes referred to as 'sleep divorce' or couples sleeping apart in order to improve their rest – and their relationship.
'I am generally a terrible sleeper, so rather than keep my husband awake, I chose to permanently remove myself. And it worked out well because I go to bed quite early and I like to keep a very cool room,' the content creator and author tells The National.
'We spend a third of our lives sleeping, so I can't stress how important it is. And sleeping apart has zero to do with the status of your relationship and everything to do with your ability to sleep.'
Brandt and her husband are not alone. With our relentless schedules and constant glowing screens, good quality sleep has quietly become a luxury. This has led to a growing number of couples embracing sleep divorce, experts say.
'I estimate that slightly more than one of the three patients who have requested a consultation for a sleep disorder in the past year have already resorted to a sleep divorce,' says Dr Valentina Faia, specialist psychiatrist and psychotherapist at BPS Clinic Dubai.
According to a 2023 survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, which polled 2,005 adults in the US, 58 per cent of respondents said they adjusted their sleep routines to accommodate a partner. In the same survey, 20 per cent said they occasionally slept in another room while 15 per cent said they consistently slept in a separate room.
'Studies of sleep patterns or polysomnography have shown that co-sleeping couples often experience more short-lasting awakenings throughout the night than those sleeping separately, and a generally lower quality of sleep,' says Dr Faia. 'When couples share a bed, disturbances from a partner can lead to fragmented sleep cycles and reduced sleep efficiency.'
Dr Sudhanthira Devi Ramdoss, a specialist psychiatrist at Aster Hospital in Dubai, says she's also seen a rising number of cases where her clients practice sleep divorce. Despite its negative connotation – and when practised correctly – sleep divorce can lead to improved relationships, better mood regulation, increased patience and more positive interactions during the day, she says.
'It's a lifestyle choice that prioritises good quality sleep, reduced sleep interruptions and reduced irritability,' says Dr Ramdoss. 'At the end of a long day, if you are not able to sleep adequately or tossing and turning in the bed throughout the night, it will leave you drained in the morning. This can be a sticking point in an otherwise healthy relationship between couples.
'By practicing sleep divorce with mutual consent, couples will have improved quality of sleep, improved relationships and increased intimacy.'
Others are curious to experiment with the rising trend, with space being the only hold back. Kellie Whitehead, 47, a mother-of-three, who has been married for 25 years, says she would do it if she had the space 'for better rest and nothing else'.
'I'm older now and each hour counts more – against work, stresses and health concerns. I simply can't function well daily without a certain amount of good sleep,' says the PR consultant. 'I've never been able to sleep well 'entangled' or nose-to-nose with anyone else – husband or children.'
Yet, despite the rising number of cases she's seeing, Dr Faia says she only recommends sleep divorce to couples when there's a documented medical condition and the other partner has shown significant distress.
'It's often not easy to open up about this habit for someone who has embraced it, as it challenges traditional conceptions of cohabitation and at times even questions moral or religious beliefs,' she says. 'Some individuals equate sleeping together with intimacy, security and love. Sometimes, the physical separation triggers unresolved attachment issues.
'Typical conditions that lead to sleep divorce are obstructive sleep apnoea, snoring, periodic limb movement disorder and severely mismatched circadian rhythms. These issues can significantly reduce sleep quality, even when individuals are unaware of the disturbances,' Dr Faia adds.
Making sleep divorce work
To successfully practice a sleep divorce, communication is key, says Dr Ramdoss. 'Sleep divorce is not about ending a relationship, it's just a practical choice to deal with sleep issues. So have an open communication about your sleep needs and concerns with your partner and obtain mutual consent,' she says.
'Go for a trial period like practising two to three times per week or practice sleep divorce on weekdays. Create a comfortable space for sleep, and preserve bedtime rituals like cuddling and sharing parts of your day to maintain closeness and intimacy.'
Dr Faia often recommends hybrid solutions to her clients. 'These include the Scandinavian method of using separate blankets or sleeping in the same bed but with custom mattresses or earplugs, or scheduling alone-sleep nights interspersed with co-sleep nights,' she says. 'These alternatives provide flexibility while maintaining a sense of closeness and intimacy and protecting the time couples can spend together.'
Dubai resident Rima, who prefers to go by her first name, swears by the Scandinavian method – something she and her husband have been practicing since they got married 18 years ago.
'I like to cocoon myself in my blanket when I sleep, which means I like to tuck my blanket in around me,' says the marketing consultant and mother-of-two. 'Also because our room is like the North Pole at night I get cold quickly and so my blanket is thicker than my husband's.
'The freedom of moving around without bothering the other person, and also feeling like I have my own space on our bed is the best feeling.'
Brandt also suggests starting out with something less permanent. 'The key is to really define the two spaces, if you are fortunate enough to have a second room. If you don't have that, you can always do two duvets, which can help in creating that space,' she says.
Brandt, whose rescue dog Poppy splits her time between her and husband at night, says their sleep set-up is a permanent arrangement and something she has no problem sharing with friends.
'Sleep is paramount to living, especially in today's world,' she says. 'People might give me weird looks for sleeping apart, but I know how good I'm sleeping.'