These 7 ‘Nice Girl' Behaviors Could Actually Be Hurting You, According to Psychologists
Being a nice person obviously seems like a good thing. Empathy and kindness are great personality traits. But there's a point where being nice can go too far and enter people-pleasing territory—and that can actually do more harm than good. For women in particular, this has been referred to as "nice girl" syndrome or "good girl" syndrome. To better understand why "nice " behavior can actually be harmful to the person exhibiting it, Parade consulted with three licensed psychologists.Dr. Rhonda Reinholtz is a licensed psychologist providing counseling and therapy services in Madison, Wisconsin. Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a neuropsychologist anddirector of Comprehend the Mind. And Dr. Adrianna Holness is a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Worth and Wellness Psychology. The three of them weigh in on these so-called "nice girl" behaviors and the damage they may do.Dr. Reinholtz acknowledges that some men may exhibit people-pleasing behaviors as well, but she says that "societal conditioning to be 'nice'" is especially strong for girls and women. And as Dr. Hafeez notes: Girls, from a young age, are often "rewarded for being 'easygoing' or 'well-behaved'... [and for] keeping the peace." And while the reinforcement of that behavior often begins when a woman is young, it also can continue all her life. As Dr. Holness puts it: "Those tropes are played out in classrooms: The good girl is studious and quiet; the workplace: The good girl is helpful and agreeable; in sports: The good girl is athletic and a team player, but never too aggressive; and in our home lives: The good girl selflessly takes care of her family before meeting her own needs."Even though societal norms have set much of this system up, there are still ways to break out of it.Related:
What Is 'Nice Girl Syndrome'?
Dr. Holness thinks that "Nice Girl Syndrome" is really just a way of "describing a lot of the symptoms of high-functioning anxiety." "The pull of anxiety leads the so-called 'good girl' to fear disappointing others, to get stuck in a pattern of what she 'should' or 'shouldn't' be doing and to constantly try to conform to what others need her to do—or who they need her to be," she explains.And much of this comes at her own expense.Related:
7 'Nice Girl' Behaviors That Could Actually Be Hurting You, According to Psychologists
1. Being the go-to person
"Oftentimes, when we stay really busy, we can push off our own anxiety because we're focused intently on something else," Dr. Holness says. She adds that this is why many people pleasers want to be everyone's "go-to person—the person who is available to meet others' needs."The problem with being so reliable for others is that it can quickly become overwhelming. As Dr. Hafeez says, these women could start to "feel unseen or unappreciated, even though they're doing so much."
2. Prioritizing others at your own expense
People-pleasing isn't just about being nice; it's often about being nice in a way that ends up being mean to yourself. Dr. Holness says it can lead to minimizing your own needs or, worse, not even knowing what those needs are.Dr. Reinholtz describes this prioritization of others as "going out of one's way to meet someone's request regardless of whether it fits at all with one's own plans, schedule, needs or feelings."She adds that it perpetuates this societal idea that women are "expected to accommodate others at their own expense," thereby reducing the woman's own "autonomy and self-determination."
3. Downplaying your own ideas and accomplishments
Dr. Holness says that "fear of failure" or "chronic self-doubt" are common for those with people-pleasing tendencies. And, as Dr. Hafeez notes, this lack of self-confidence can show up through "downplaying" their own accomplishments, ideas and needs. She warns that, over time, this can lead to "resentment and a loss of self."Related:
4. Avoiding disagreements and confrontation
Dr. Hafeez says it's common for people-pleasers to feel "uncomfortable setting boundaries" or worry that they'll be portrayed as "selfish or mean if they speak up." As a result, they can often be overly non-confrontational to their own detriment."It's the internal pressure to always be agreeable," she shares. "They'll say yes when they'd rather say no... to avoid conflict or disapproval." She warns that this type of behavior can erode "natural assertiveness."One sneaky sign of this behavior, according to Dr. Holness, is re-reading your texts or emails several times. "Written communication can be incredibly hard for folks with high-functioning anxiety," she says. "That inner good girl wants to make sure that she is properly understood, non-confrontational, polite and not criticized."Related:
5. Going along with others' negative actions
If a people pleaser does disagree with someone, they often won't speak up or show it. Dr. Reinholtz says this can appear as "smiling, laughing or otherwise going along with comments or actions that are actually hurtful or in conflict with one's own beliefs or values." And Dr. Hafeez mentions avoiding eye contact, being quiet in group settings and "laughing at jokes they don't find funny" as other possible behaviors.By trying to be "nice," you're essentially "suppressing your true self" and "making yourself small," says Dr. Holness.
6. Explaining yourself
On the off chance that you do set a boundary, Dr. Reinholtz says you don't need to delve deeply into why. "People too often feel they owe an explanation if they can't do what someone has asked," she says. "The more detail you add, the more you are inviting someone to offer solutions to the reason you stated instead of accepting that you are declining."She adds, "You do not owe anyone a justification for choosing how to spend your own time and energy."
7. Being overly-apologetic
Another common sign of people-pleasing is frequently saying that you're sorry, even if something isn't your fault, says Dr. Hafeez. It's just another way this sort of "nice girl" behavior can hurt your confidence, Dr. Hafeez says. "Underneath it is a belief that being liked... depends on keeping everyone else happy," she adds.Related:
How To Break Free From 'Nice Girl' Behaviors That Ultimately Hurt You
If you do currently display any of the behaviors above, that doesn't mean you always have to operate that way. Though it may feel uncomfortable or difficult, you can break free from always being a "nice girl."Start small by saying no to a minor request or allowing yourself to disagree about something, Dr. Hafeez suggests. She says "the goal isn't to [be] harsh," but rather to be more honest. You might "be surprised how much people respect you" when you do set clearer limits, she adds.Dr. Reinholtz knows it can be difficult to start turning people down, so she suggests buying yourself time by saying "maybe" instead of immediately agreeing."Get in the habit of always answering requests with, 'I'll check my schedule and get back to you,'" she says. "Or, 'I hope I can! I'll let you know as soon as I can check the family calendar.' Or, 'Hmmm, I'm not sure the timing works for me. But I'll let you know tomorrow.'"Essentially, she says you want to give a response that doesn't instantly commit you to something. That way, you can take the time to decide if it's something you truly want to do.Lastly, Dr. Holness explains that she recommends therapy as "the perfect place to start addressing the underlying impact of high-functioning anxiety.""You're a human with needs, and it's OK to ask for help," she adds.Up Next:Sources:
Dr. Rhonda Reinholtz is a licensed psychologist providing counseling and therapy services in Madison, Wisconsin.
Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a neuropsychologist anddirector of Comprehend the Mind. Find her on Instagram @drsanamhafeez.
Dr. Adrianna Holness is a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Worth and Wellness Psychology.
These 7 'Nice Girl' Behaviors Could Actually Be Hurting You, According to Psychologists first appeared on Parade on Aug 6, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Aug 6, 2025, where it first appeared.
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