I'm 59. She's 19. We're in love. Now what?

Yahoo

6 hours ago

Longtime journalists Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes have decades of relationship experience between them. Each has been married and divorced twice. They've raised children, been through heartbreak, found love and together have formed a blended family. The celebrity couple has weathered it all by staying authentic to themselves and each other. Now they're here to share their battle-tested expertise with you in , a relationship advice column from Yahoo. Have a question they should answer? Email [e-mail] and hear more from them on their podcast.
Amy and T.J.,
I'm 59, she is 19. I'll wait while you shake off the obvious initial reaction, the one that says I'm a predator or, at best, simply with this young woman because of the sex! She and I have found intimacy at a level we never thought existed while navigating the complexity of falling in love. You guys could not be more correct … love is indeed messy!
Finding the courage to step off the cliff of "settling for less," in hopes of experiencing the kind of love that even the best poets, artists and musicians can't fully describe, is paralyzing! She and I are currently standing on that cliff.
Can you offer some non-judgmental feedback about how — or whether — to pursue this relationship?
Hope to hear from you and congratulations on stepping off that cliff yourselves!T.J. Holmes: That's … damn. He's 59, she's 19. They're in love. Bill Belichick's girlfriend is 24, and he's 73. That's a 49-year age gap for them. It's not a morality thing, but there are 25-year-olds I don't have anything in common with. So, how does this work?
Amy Robach: I say to my daughters — they're 19 and 22 — all the time: You don't know what you don't know. It's probably the most annoying thing I say to them because, of course, they can't know what I'm talking about, not yet. But it's the truth. You don't know what you don't know when you're 19, and your 20s are such an important time to figure out who you are, what you want and what your limits are.
TH: Love can take so many forms. You never know where you're going to find it, how, when or with whom. Sometimes love just happens and, if you're not hurting yourselves or someone else, who are we to say it's wrong? But based on what you've said here, I don't think I could in good conscience simply say, 'yeah, go for it.'
If you really care about this woman, and love her, think of how much life she has ahead of her and how much she might miss out on by being with a nearly 60-year-old man. She's going to miss out on being a teenager, on partying with her friends, on so much of the stupid little stuff that's part of our formative years. Don't take that from her.
AR: I'm not interested in judging who should date whom. It's not so much the age gap. There are people who fill different roles in our lives and the age difference between you might feel comfortable and safe to her right now. But I can't imagine that it's always going to be that way. And it's her age that is a bigger red flag for me.
A relationship like yours — between a considerably older man and a very young woman — is difficult because there is a power imbalance and an experience imbalance. I see many potential problems for you both because she is so impressionable at this age. Both T.J. and I got married for the first time when we were 23. And I wouldn't advise that either! Because you don't yet know who you are in your teens and 20s. Your brain is still forming, growing and developing until you're 27. In fact, I told my daughters that if they wanted to get married before 27, they'd have to pay for their own weddings.
You have had all of the experiences in life that make you sure of who you are and what you want. But a 19-year-old doesn't really know any of those things.
TH: It was Aaliyah who said, 'Age ain't nothin' but a number.' And it isn't; age isn't necessarily the important thing, but experience is. Love is a powerful thing — I know it, I've felt it and I feel it — but I don't know if there's a love strong enough to overcome the challenges you're going to face.
It might be worth thinking about what some of those challenges might be down the road. I ain't judging anybody for anything they do. Amy and I never would. But think about it: Is this young woman going to stay with you until the end of your days, and then start dating again? What type of life experience do you want her to have, with or without you? And that's not to mention what your friends and family or society think of your relationship.
AR: If you don't have that kind of support, it puts pressure on a relationship. When our relationship was outed, the first and most important thing we had to get was the support of our children, friends and parents. We needed that. Most couples do, especially if their relationship is going to be scrutinized, and you should be prepared that yours might be.
The truth is that a 19-year-old doesn't know s***. She's had almost zero experience, and she's trying to have a relationship with you, somebody who has had decades of different relationship experiences. You know what you want and need, and what you don't. You know what you can give. She doesn't know any of those things yet. She hasn't yet had a chance to explore who she is. Your 20s are so important for that.
AR: If my own daughter was in a relationship with an older man and said, 'This makes me happy,' it would never be worth fracturing our relationship because I disagree with whom she chooses to be intimate. However, I would still put my two cents in. You two need to ask a lot of hard questions about what you're willing to sacrifice. You, as the older person, need to think about what impact this could have on someone you love. Sometimes love is doing the right thing instead of what you want or need in that moment, but it's doing right by the person you love. It's setting them up for the best success in life.
TH: I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong. But if you love her, you've got to let that girl go.
To get advice directly from Amy and T.J.,send whatever relationship question is keeping you up at night — whether it's about friends, family, your love life or beyond — to [e-mail].