Ask Anna: Forget red flags — here are 5 green flags of a supportive partner
Dear Anna,
I'm a 41-year-old woman, just getting back into dating after an eight-year relationship, which ended a little over a year ago. In the past, I've spent so much energy looking out for red flags that I realize I've never really paid attention to the good signs — the green flags. As I'm starting to date again, I want to approach relationships with a more positive mindset, but I'm not sure what to look for that signals a healthy, supportive partner. What are the traits or behaviors that often get overlooked but are signs someone is genuinely good for you? I don't want to miss out on someone amazing because I'm stuck looking for what might go wrong. — Forward Looking And Generally Skeptical
Dear FLAGS,
I love this question, and it's a bit shocking that, after giving advice for more than 15 years, I've rarely come across someone wanting to focus on green flags. It's true that red flags tend to dominate our relationship radar, probably because we're hardwired to protect ourselves from harm. But sometimes, in doing that, we miss the subtle but powerful signs that someone could be exactly what we're looking for — a positive, supportive partner. Green flags aren't always obvious, and certainly not in the face of, say, toxic masculinity or narcissism, but as you're getting back into dating, they deserve just as much attention.
First, it's important to recognize that focusing on green flags can shift your entire dating experience from one of anxiety and hypervigilance to one of curiosity and openness. Rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop, you start to look for what's going right. And research backs this up — positive or strengths-based psychology (primarily by Dr. Martin Seligman, but also John Gottman, of eerily accurate divorce-prediction fame) shows that focusing on strengths (in yourself and others) fosters healthier, more satisfying relationships.
So, what are some of these green flags to look for?
Consistency in actions and words
One of the biggest green flags is when someone's actions align with their words. This goes beyond the initial honeymoon phase where everyone's on their best behavior. It's easy to say the right things, but does this person follow through? Are they showing up when they say they will? Consistency is the foundation of trust, and trust is crucial for any relationship to thrive. A person who consistently acts with integrity is someone who can offer you emotional safety. As that famous Maya Angelou says, 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time' — and that applies to the good things, too.
Emotional maturity
A partner who is emotionally mature is worth their weight in Tinder gold. Emotional maturity means they can handle difficult conversations without flying off the handle, shutting down or avoiding issues altogether. They're able to own up to mistakes, take responsibility for their actions and have the capacity to empathize with your feelings, even if they don't see eye-to-eye with you on things. Emotionally mature partners can sit in the discomfort of conflict and still care about the outcome — for both of you. If they're willing to grow through challenges rather than bail, that's a huge green flag.
Genuine curiosity and interest in you
Pay attention to how much someone asks about your life, your thoughts and your feelings — and more importantly, how much they listen. Do they remember the little things? Someone who is genuinely curious about you is showing that they're not just interested in who you are right now but who you are becoming. They see your potential and want to know your story. This kind of attentiveness lays the groundwork for deep emotional intimacy, which can sustain a relationship long after the initial sparks fade.
Respect for boundaries
A partner who respects your boundaries — whether physical, emotional or time-related — is a partner who values your autonomy and self-respect. Boundaries aren't just about saying 'no,' they're about mutual respect and honoring each other's space. This can manifest in simple ways, like how they respond when you need alone time or how they handle a 'no' without guilt-tripping or manipulation. Someone who respects your boundaries will make you feel more like yourself, not less.
Shared values, but with room for individuality
It's easy to assume shared interests are the most important thing, but shared values are where real compatibility lies. Do they share your core beliefs about things like family, finances, and how to navigate life's big challenges? And at the same time, do they encourage you to maintain your individuality? A green flag is when someone can love who you are while supporting your personal growth and dreams, even if they differ from theirs.
In the end, green flags are about seeing the things that make you feel supported, seen and safe. As you venture into dating again, keep these qualities in mind, and don't forget the biggest green flag of all: Cultivate relationships that nourish rather than drain you.
The right partner will amplify the best parts of who you are. Good luck, FLAGS.
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
Originally Published: October 23, 2024 at 6:16 p.m.
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