I've worked with over 500 couples—the ones who avoid 4 toxic habits have happier, healthier relationships
All couples fight, it's a given. But when relationship stress mixes with work stress, financial angst, and family flare-ups , little squabbles can morph into damaging arguments.
As a couples counselor, I've seen how unresolved, repetitive conflicts can create a culture of negativity, which can whittle a healthy relationship dynamic down to resentment, disconnection, and loneliness.
For over 50 years, psychologist John Gottman, along with his wife and fellow psychologist Julie Gottman, conducted hundreds of studies on relationships and communication. They identified four toxic communication strategies that can lead to breakups, separation, and divorce — a theory Gottman calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
Couples who avoid these four communication pitfalls tend to have happier, healthier relationships:
When criticism and blame are present in a discussion, phrases like "you always" and "you never" tend to run amok. These types of expressions are unhelpful, and often elicit defensive responses.
Replace "you always" and "you never" with "I" statements. Try to make your complaints specific by stating a particular behavior, and then talk about your own feelings that came up.
Try this strategic formula: "When [X] happened, I felt [X] and [X]. In the future, I would love [X].
Here's what that might sound like in a real conversation: "Last night when you called me a shrieking freak, I felt angry, then really, really sad. Moving forward, I would love it if you would curb the name-calling and just tell me what you need."
Think self-victimization, excuses, and cross-complaining (i.e., responding to a complaint with one of your own). One partner's defensiveness signals to the other that they're trying to deflect, dismiss, or ignore, rather than repair. It can cause frustration, confusion, and self-doubt. This dynamic can lead to disconnection, loneliness, and emotional distress.
Listen to complaints with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to get a deeper understanding of how your behavior has affected your partner, like:
Repeat back your understanding of how your actions or choices affected your partner emotionally. Then take responsibility for your actions during the conflict, and offer a genuine apology.
For example, you might say: "I'm so sorry I shared your most embarrassing high school story with your work colleagues. I realize how awkward and uncomfortable that made you feel, and I feel terrible you had to relive those feelings again. Next time, I'll try to be more mindful when sharing childhood experiences."
Contempt includes lashing out in disdain, berating and belittling, using menacing language, and trashing your partner's character. It's "you hideous monster" and "you heinous witch."
In his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," Gottman shares his theory that contempt is a top predictor of divorce. It ups anxiety, explodes the couple's friendship, and shuts down sex.
Gottman's antidote for contempt is to co-create a culture of fondness and appreciation. This translates to expressions of warmth, affection, gratitude, and emotional closeness. It includes appreciating the little stuff, celebrating the big stuff, scheduling dates, and spending time together.
It can be as simple as letting your partner know that you're genuinely grateful for something they said or did. You might say, for instance:
All these little moments add up.
Usually stonewalling happens when one partner has become so angry, activated, or overwhelmed that they suddenly shut down, refuse to engage in further communication, and even physically remove themselves from the situation in the middle of an argument.
But the silent treatment is dangerous. It can leave the other person feeling frustrated, invalidated, and abandoned. It can trigger feelings of rejection, anxious attachment behavior, and emotional withdrawal. And in the long run, avoidance can squash vulnerability, erode trust, and fuel resentment.
In the repair process, both partners need to try to be open, honest, and emotionally present. If you or your partner are getting so worked up that you're about to storm off or go silent, it's time for a break.
You should both:
It just takes one partner, in the heat of conflict, to identify one of the four horsemen, lasso it, and ride it off the ranch. It can mean the difference between a relationship that explodes into a zillion pieces or lopes off quietly into the night — and one that thrives for the foreseeable future.
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I've worked with over 500 couples—the ones who avoid 4 toxic habits have happier, healthier relationships
All couples fight, it's a given. But when relationship stress mixes with work stress, financial angst, and family flare-ups , little squabbles can morph into damaging arguments. As a couples counselor, I've seen how unresolved, repetitive conflicts can create a culture of negativity, which can whittle a healthy relationship dynamic down to resentment, disconnection, and loneliness. For over 50 years, psychologist John Gottman, along with his wife and fellow psychologist Julie Gottman, conducted hundreds of studies on relationships and communication. They identified four toxic communication strategies that can lead to breakups, separation, and divorce — a theory Gottman calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Couples who avoid these four communication pitfalls tend to have happier, healthier relationships: When criticism and blame are present in a discussion, phrases like "you always" and "you never" tend to run amok. These types of expressions are unhelpful, and often elicit defensive responses. Replace "you always" and "you never" with "I" statements. Try to make your complaints specific by stating a particular behavior, and then talk about your own feelings that came up. Try this strategic formula: "When [X] happened, I felt [X] and [X]. In the future, I would love [X]. Here's what that might sound like in a real conversation: "Last night when you called me a shrieking freak, I felt angry, then really, really sad. Moving forward, I would love it if you would curb the name-calling and just tell me what you need." Think self-victimization, excuses, and cross-complaining (i.e., responding to a complaint with one of your own). One partner's defensiveness signals to the other that they're trying to deflect, dismiss, or ignore, rather than repair. It can cause frustration, confusion, and self-doubt. This dynamic can lead to disconnection, loneliness, and emotional distress. Listen to complaints with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to get a deeper understanding of how your behavior has affected your partner, like: Repeat back your understanding of how your actions or choices affected your partner emotionally. Then take responsibility for your actions during the conflict, and offer a genuine apology. For example, you might say: "I'm so sorry I shared your most embarrassing high school story with your work colleagues. I realize how awkward and uncomfortable that made you feel, and I feel terrible you had to relive those feelings again. Next time, I'll try to be more mindful when sharing childhood experiences." Contempt includes lashing out in disdain, berating and belittling, using menacing language, and trashing your partner's character. It's "you hideous monster" and "you heinous witch." In his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," Gottman shares his theory that contempt is a top predictor of divorce. It ups anxiety, explodes the couple's friendship, and shuts down sex. Gottman's antidote for contempt is to co-create a culture of fondness and appreciation. This translates to expressions of warmth, affection, gratitude, and emotional closeness. It includes appreciating the little stuff, celebrating the big stuff, scheduling dates, and spending time together. It can be as simple as letting your partner know that you're genuinely grateful for something they said or did. You might say, for instance: All these little moments add up. Usually stonewalling happens when one partner has become so angry, activated, or overwhelmed that they suddenly shut down, refuse to engage in further communication, and even physically remove themselves from the situation in the middle of an argument. But the silent treatment is dangerous. It can leave the other person feeling frustrated, invalidated, and abandoned. It can trigger feelings of rejection, anxious attachment behavior, and emotional withdrawal. And in the long run, avoidance can squash vulnerability, erode trust, and fuel resentment. In the repair process, both partners need to try to be open, honest, and emotionally present. If you or your partner are getting so worked up that you're about to storm off or go silent, it's time for a break. You should both: It just takes one partner, in the heat of conflict, to identify one of the four horsemen, lasso it, and ride it off the ranch. It can mean the difference between a relationship that explodes into a zillion pieces or lopes off quietly into the night — and one that thrives for the foreseeable future.
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Ask Anna: Forget red flags — here are 5 green flags of a supportive partner
Dear Anna, I'm a 41-year-old woman, just getting back into dating after an eight-year relationship, which ended a little over a year ago. In the past, I've spent so much energy looking out for red flags that I realize I've never really paid attention to the good signs — the green flags. As I'm starting to date again, I want to approach relationships with a more positive mindset, but I'm not sure what to look for that signals a healthy, supportive partner. What are the traits or behaviors that often get overlooked but are signs someone is genuinely good for you? I don't want to miss out on someone amazing because I'm stuck looking for what might go wrong. — Forward Looking And Generally Skeptical Dear FLAGS, I love this question, and it's a bit shocking that, after giving advice for more than 15 years, I've rarely come across someone wanting to focus on green flags. 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And research backs this up — positive or strengths-based psychology (primarily by Dr. Martin Seligman, but also John Gottman, of eerily accurate divorce-prediction fame) shows that focusing on strengths (in yourself and others) fosters healthier, more satisfying relationships. So, what are some of these green flags to look for? Consistency in actions and words One of the biggest green flags is when someone's actions align with their words. This goes beyond the initial honeymoon phase where everyone's on their best behavior. It's easy to say the right things, but does this person follow through? Are they showing up when they say they will? Consistency is the foundation of trust, and trust is crucial for any relationship to thrive. A person who consistently acts with integrity is someone who can offer you emotional safety. As that famous Maya Angelou says, 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time' — and that applies to the good things, too. Emotional maturity A partner who is emotionally mature is worth their weight in Tinder gold. Emotional maturity means they can handle difficult conversations without flying off the handle, shutting down or avoiding issues altogether. They're able to own up to mistakes, take responsibility for their actions and have the capacity to empathize with your feelings, even if they don't see eye-to-eye with you on things. Emotionally mature partners can sit in the discomfort of conflict and still care about the outcome — for both of you. If they're willing to grow through challenges rather than bail, that's a huge green flag. Genuine curiosity and interest in you Pay attention to how much someone asks about your life, your thoughts and your feelings — and more importantly, how much they listen. Do they remember the little things? Someone who is genuinely curious about you is showing that they're not just interested in who you are right now but who you are becoming. They see your potential and want to know your story. This kind of attentiveness lays the groundwork for deep emotional intimacy, which can sustain a relationship long after the initial sparks fade. Respect for boundaries A partner who respects your boundaries — whether physical, emotional or time-related — is a partner who values your autonomy and self-respect. Boundaries aren't just about saying 'no,' they're about mutual respect and honoring each other's space. This can manifest in simple ways, like how they respond when you need alone time or how they handle a 'no' without guilt-tripping or manipulation. Someone who respects your boundaries will make you feel more like yourself, not less. Shared values, but with room for individuality It's easy to assume shared interests are the most important thing, but shared values are where real compatibility lies. Do they share your core beliefs about things like family, finances, and how to navigate life's big challenges? And at the same time, do they encourage you to maintain your individuality? A green flag is when someone can love who you are while supporting your personal growth and dreams, even if they differ from theirs. In the end, green flags are about seeing the things that make you feel supported, seen and safe. As you venture into dating again, keep these qualities in mind, and don't forget the biggest green flag of all: Cultivate relationships that nourish rather than drain you. The right partner will amplify the best parts of who you are. Good luck, FLAGS. ©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC. Originally Published: October 23, 2024 at 6:16 p.m.
