Latest news with #JohnGottman
Yahoo
3 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
This Marital Behavior Is Not Only Annoying, It's A Sign You Might Divorce
The silent treatment. The cold shoulder. Stonewalling. Regardless of what you choose to call it, ignoring ― or being evasive toward your partner during an argument ― is a hugecommunication sin in a relationship. Stonewalling may seem like an easy way out of an argument, but do it enough and it's bound to cause problems. In fact, according to renowned researcher John Gottman, routine stonewalling is one of the biggest predictors of divorce. For 40 years, the psychology professor and his team at the Gottman Institute have studied couples' interactions to determine the key predictors of divorce — or as Gottman calls them, 'the four horsemen of the apocalypse.' (A bit dramatic sounding, sure, but we're talking about your marriage here ― go along with it.) Surprisingly, the communication mistakes are more mundane than you'd think: contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling ― the term Gottman uses to describe emotionally withdrawing from your partner ― are the four biggies on the list. When you stonewall, you disengage right when your partner is trying to have an adult conversation with you. Instead of hashing out your issues, you shut down and turn away, leaving your partner feeling overwhelmed, alone and emotionally vexed. What's the antidote to stonewalling? Below, marriage therapists share seven tips for stonewallers in relationships. 'My clients often say they have to shut down in an argument because they risk being flooded and feeling overwhelmed. It's a self-protection mechanism. Knowing this, the other partner needs to be conscious of not overwhelming the stonewaller with too much information. I tell couples to stick to one topic at a time. When the stonewaller hears, 'and another thing...' it's usually too much for them to take in. The only way out is retreat. Some people stonewall but then think about the issue later and might want to come back to talk more. That can't happen if the partner keeps pushing and won't let it rest. Accept the fact that people who stonewall may need to work through things in smaller bites and avoid discussing every problem in the relationship all at once.' ― Vikki Stark, a psychotherapist and the director of the Sedona Counselling Center of Montreal 'If you're a stonewaller, you usually have an internal physiological reactions (increased heart-rate or rapid breathing, for instance) and an external reaction right before you close up: Maybe you physically turn away from your partner or close your eyes and deeply sigh. These are all signs your partner needs to start paying attention to. Discuss what you do during times of distress so you both can recognize the stonewalling warning signs.' ― Danielle Kepler, a therapist in Chicago, Illinois 'A lot of times, you stonewall because you're convinced your partner just won't listen or make any meaningful changes. Instead of continuing to make requests, it's easier for you to just shut up about it, even if it it eats you up inside. Stop doing that. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you fell in love with them because they were witty and funny or because they were giving or helpful. Let them use their better qualities to turn things around. Tell them things you'd like to see changed. Sure, you might risk nagging but at least you're giving your partner (and your relationship) a chance.' ― Aaron Anderson, a marriage and family therapist in Denver, Colorado 'Chances are, you're worked up before you stonewall. Continuing a conversation when your heart rate is up and you're flooded with emotion is almost certain to be unproductive because not enough oxygen is getting to your brain. Instead of reacting, you can take deep breaths, go for a walk or distract yourself with an activity you find enjoyable. Don't fume about the conversation and plan what to say next, as this will not help to stop the flooding. It's OK to take some time away from the fight.' ― Kari Carroll, a couples therapist in Portland, Oregon 'Our busy schedules make us susceptible to higher levels of stress and anxiety ― and stonewalling. To avoid stonewalling, it's imperative to be intentional with your partner and set the stage for sharing your feelings. Select a day and time that's convenient for both of you and find a quiet place where you can have a quality conversation. Before you talk, tell your partner, 'I want us to be able to share openly. As you listen, I'd love for you to be fully present and to try to understand my perspective.' Creating a safe space for sharing is a simple way to avoid stonewalling.' ―Deborah Holt, a marriage and family therapist in Dallas, Texas ″You will usually stonewall because your past experience together has taught you that your partner won't listen or do anything constructive with what you have to say. You don't want things to fall on deaf ears again, so you keep whatever you have to say to yourself. Instead of choking it down next time, just put it out there: Tell your S.O. you've felt dismissed in the past and it's led to resentment. Hopefully, this gives your partner a chance to address the problems.' ― Aaron Anderson 'It's perfectly OK to say, 'Can we talk about this a little later? I feel overwhelmed.' That said, don't sit on it for too long; it's important that you give your partner a specific time, within the next 24 hours, when you'll be available to talk about their concerns.' ― Craig Lambert, a marriage counselor in San Diego, California 8 Signs A Marriage Won't Last, According To Divorce Lawyers 4 Things You're Likely Doing That Will Eventually Kill Your Marriage Your Marriage May Be In Trouble If You Resort To This When Arguing The 8 Biggest Relationship Killers, According To Divorce Attorneys
CNBC
5 days ago
- General
- CNBC
I've worked with over 500 couples—the ones who avoid 4 toxic habits have happier, healthier relationships
All couples fight, it's a given. But when relationship stress mixes with work stress, financial angst, and family flare-ups , little squabbles can morph into damaging arguments. As a couples counselor, I've seen how unresolved, repetitive conflicts can create a culture of negativity, which can whittle a healthy relationship dynamic down to resentment, disconnection, and loneliness. For over 50 years, psychologist John Gottman, along with his wife and fellow psychologist Julie Gottman, conducted hundreds of studies on relationships and communication. They identified four toxic communication strategies that can lead to breakups, separation, and divorce — a theory Gottman calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Couples who avoid these four communication pitfalls tend to have happier, healthier relationships: When criticism and blame are present in a discussion, phrases like "you always" and "you never" tend to run amok. These types of expressions are unhelpful, and often elicit defensive responses. Replace "you always" and "you never" with "I" statements. Try to make your complaints specific by stating a particular behavior, and then talk about your own feelings that came up. Try this strategic formula: "When [X] happened, I felt [X] and [X]. In the future, I would love [X]. Here's what that might sound like in a real conversation: "Last night when you called me a shrieking freak, I felt angry, then really, really sad. Moving forward, I would love it if you would curb the name-calling and just tell me what you need." Think self-victimization, excuses, and cross-complaining (i.e., responding to a complaint with one of your own). One partner's defensiveness signals to the other that they're trying to deflect, dismiss, or ignore, rather than repair. It can cause frustration, confusion, and self-doubt. This dynamic can lead to disconnection, loneliness, and emotional distress. Listen to complaints with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to get a deeper understanding of how your behavior has affected your partner, like: Repeat back your understanding of how your actions or choices affected your partner emotionally. Then take responsibility for your actions during the conflict, and offer a genuine apology. For example, you might say: "I'm so sorry I shared your most embarrassing high school story with your work colleagues. I realize how awkward and uncomfortable that made you feel, and I feel terrible you had to relive those feelings again. Next time, I'll try to be more mindful when sharing childhood experiences." Contempt includes lashing out in disdain, berating and belittling, using menacing language, and trashing your partner's character. It's "you hideous monster" and "you heinous witch." In his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," Gottman shares his theory that contempt is a top predictor of divorce. It ups anxiety, explodes the couple's friendship, and shuts down sex. Gottman's antidote for contempt is to co-create a culture of fondness and appreciation. This translates to expressions of warmth, affection, gratitude, and emotional closeness. It includes appreciating the little stuff, celebrating the big stuff, scheduling dates, and spending time together. It can be as simple as letting your partner know that you're genuinely grateful for something they said or did. You might say, for instance: All these little moments add up. Usually stonewalling happens when one partner has become so angry, activated, or overwhelmed that they suddenly shut down, refuse to engage in further communication, and even physically remove themselves from the situation in the middle of an argument. But the silent treatment is dangerous. It can leave the other person feeling frustrated, invalidated, and abandoned. It can trigger feelings of rejection, anxious attachment behavior, and emotional withdrawal. And in the long run, avoidance can squash vulnerability, erode trust, and fuel resentment. In the repair process, both partners need to try to be open, honest, and emotionally present. If you or your partner are getting so worked up that you're about to storm off or go silent, it's time for a break. You should both: It just takes one partner, in the heat of conflict, to identify one of the four horsemen, lasso it, and ride it off the ranch. It can mean the difference between a relationship that explodes into a zillion pieces or lopes off quietly into the night — and one that thrives for the foreseeable future.
Forbes
07-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- Forbes
3 Ideas For Your Next ‘Date Night'—From A Psychologist
Unsure of how to go about planning your next date night? Consider these three psychological research ... More findings. getty When you're in a long-term relationship, it's easy for the excitement of date nights to fade into the background of everyday life. Yet, according to renowned relationship counselors Drs. John and Julie Gottman, date nights are vital to maintaining a thriving relationship. They recommend just two hours a week of dedicated one-on-one time with your partner to significantly boost happiness and health in your partnership. That might sound simple, but for many couples, it's not always easy to figure out what to do with those two hours. Especially when life feels repetitive, planning something special can seem daunting—whether you're trying to come up with new ideas, balance different interests, or just reignite the spark. Thankfully, however, a 2021 study from the Journal of Personal and Social Relationships offers three key insights into how to make the most of your date nights. One of the standout findings from the study is that couples who prioritize 'approach relationship goals' — in other words, those who seek positive and exciting experiences together — tend to feel more connected. Additionally, these couples are better at planning thrilling and stimulating dates — which are vital for keeping the romantic spark alive. When you've been together for a while, however, routine can become the enemy of excitement. Date nights can quickly turn into the same old thing — a quick dinner out, maybe a movie, then back home. There's nothing wrong with that, but over time, repeating the same activities can make it feel like your relationship is stuck in a rut. That's why the researchers suggest aiming for novelty and adventure when planning your dates. This doesn't mean you have to go skydiving every weekend, but it could be as simple as trying something new together. Prioritizing novelty and excitement is the most effective way to reignite that sense of excitement you felt in the early stages of your relationship. For instance: Outdoor adventure. Think about activities you wouldn't normally do together. It could be ziplining, paddleboarding or even just exploring a new hiking trail; being outside and trying something novel can make the date feel more invigorating. If you're more low-key, a simple picnic in a scenic, unfamiliar spot can create a lovely sense of adventure. Think about activities you wouldn't normally do together. It could be ziplining, paddleboarding or even just exploring a new hiking trail; being outside and trying something novel can make the date feel more invigorating. If you're more low-key, a simple picnic in a scenic, unfamiliar spot can create a lovely sense of adventure. Explore your city. Sometimes, the most exciting adventures can be right in your backyard. Try exploring a neighborhood you've never visited or checking out that new café you've been curious about. Going on a 'staycation' in your own town can offer a fresh perspective on familiar surroundings and make for a surprisingly fun date. Sometimes, the most exciting adventures can be right in your backyard. Try exploring a neighborhood you've never visited or checking out that new café you've been curious about. Going on a 'staycation' in your own town can offer a fresh perspective on familiar surroundings and make for a surprisingly fun date. Surprise each other. If planning a full-on adventure feels overwhelming, try incorporating a small element of surprise into your date night. You could plan a mystery destination, organize a themed date or add an unexpected twist to your usual routine. Surprises help break the predictability, as they keep things light and playful. 2. Plan A Date That Allows You To Grow Together Another key finding from the research is the link between self-expansion and date nights. Self-expansion is the idea that when we engage in activities that help us grow, learn, or challenge ourselves, we feel more fulfilled — and when we do those things with a partner, it can help us reconnect. In practice, this would entail planning dates that allow both partners to experience something new or develop a new skill together. Notably, the goal shouldn't be just to spend time together, but to engage in something that helps you grow individually and as a couple. You could learn something new, take on a challenge or explore a new interest; sharing such experiences alone can create a deeper sense of partnership. It's important to note that 'growth' doesn't always mean taking on something huge. Sometimes, it's all in the little moments that allow you to see each other in a new light or appreciate different facets of your personalities: Take a class together. Sign up for something that interests both of you —like a cooking class, pottery workshop or even something completely niche, like mixology or photography. Not only will you learn something new, but you'll have shared the experience of mastering a skill together — and you can laugh through the process together. Sign up for something that interests both of you —like a cooking class, pottery workshop or even something completely niche, like mixology or photography. Not only will you learn something new, but you'll have shared the experience of mastering a skill together — and you can laugh through the process together. Physical challenge. If you're feeling adventurous, try an activity that requires teamwork and pushes you physically, like rock climbing, kayaking or even a workout that's tough for your shared standards. Physical challenges can be an effective (and healthy) way to build trust and encourage each other to step out of your comfort zones. If you're feeling adventurous, try an activity that requires teamwork and pushes you physically, like rock climbing, kayaking or even a workout that's tough for your shared standards. Physical challenges can be an effective (and healthy) way to build trust and encourage each other to step out of your comfort zones. Cultural experiences. If you're more drawn to intellectual pursuits, consider exploring new cultural experiences together. Visit a museum exhibit you've never seen, attend a foreign film screening or explore a new genre of music. The goal should be to share something new that stimulates conversation and reflection. 3. Set Positive Intentions Before the Date Couples who approach their date nights with an open, positive mindset tend to have more meaningful and fulfilling experiences — according to the study's findings regarding approach relationship goals. Thus, setting positive intentions before a date can have a profound impact on its success. In fact, the mindset you bring to the date can be just as important as the activity itself. It's easy to let date nights fall into autopilot — going out because it's something you're 'supposed' to do, rather than actually thinking about how to make the most of the experience. But by taking a moment beforehand to set clear, positive intentions, you can turn a routine outing into something special. Consider what you want to achieve from the date: Do you want to feel more connected? Have deeper conversations? Or simply enjoy each other's company in a more relaxed, fun setting? Focus on connection, not perfection. It's important to remember that not every date needs to be perfect. The real value lies in how you connect with each other. Even if the evening doesn't go exactly as planned, focus on the quality of your conversations, laughter and little moments of contentment. It's important to remember that not every date needs to be perfect. The real value lies in how you connect with each other. Even if the evening doesn't go exactly as planned, focus on the quality of your conversations, laughter and little moments of contentment. Plan activities that suit your personalities. Don't feel pressured to plan a lavish or complex date if that's not your style. The best dates are those that reflect who you are as a couple. It doesn't matter if it's as simple as cooking a meal together or playing a board game; so long as you choose something that allows you both to relax and enjoy yourselves, it's a date night worth having. Don't feel pressured to plan a lavish or complex date if that's not your style. The best dates are those that reflect who you are as a couple. It doesn't matter if it's as simple as cooking a meal together or playing a board game; so long as you choose something that allows you both to relax and enjoy yourselves, it's a date night worth having. Connection-focused games. If you're looking for a deeper, more intimate date night at home, consider playing a game designed specifically to spark meaningful conversations. Games like We're Not Really Strangers , Unpack That or …and then, we held hands are perfect for couples who want to explore each other's thoughts, feelings and experiences on a level that everyday conversation doesn't allow for. Are date nights a thing of the past in your relationship? Take this science-backed test and find out if it's cause for concern: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
News.com.au
25-04-2025
- General
- News.com.au
Marriage psychologist reveals number 1 sign you're heading for divorce
If you want to know whether your marriage is heading for divorce, don't check your partner's phone — check their face. A one-sided mouth raise — a subtle smirk of superiority — might just be the number one sign your relationship is doomed, according to renowned psychologist Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and mastermind behind one of the most extensive marriage studies ever conducted. His research, which was recently dissected on the Unplanned Podcast, found that four nasty little habits — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — are deemed the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' when it comes to dooming relationships. But it's contempt, experts warn, that is the true kiss of death, the New York Post reports. 'Dr John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,' body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards recently told hosts Matt and Abbey Howard. 'He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise towards the other, he can tell you if they're going to get divorced — because he's looking for contempt,' she continued. And he knows his stuff. 'Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6 per cent accuracy,' Van Edwards added. Contempt, Van Edwards explained, is the most corrosive of all the emotional saboteurs. 'Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,' she said. 'But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows.' She went on, noting, 'That is why at the end of a marriage you have two people who can't even look at each other.' Van Edwards suggests that if you catch a whiff of contempt — either from yourself or your partner — it's time to tackle it head-on. 'Ask, 'What's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.' Because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,' she said. 'And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.' She also believes many couples get stuck in endless loops of the same three arguments — they just don't realise it. 'You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments,' she advised. 'That way, when you're in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say 'this is argument number 2 — we're in a stalemate on this one.'' Clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer backed up Gottman's findings in a 2019 article, writing, 'Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.' He cited telltale signs like eye-rolling, mouth crimping — even subtle fidgeting, like picking at clothes or cleaning fingers mid-convo — as silent signals of disdain. Schneer dubbed this move 'The Lint Picker,' a behaviour he says screams contempt louder than words ever could. So, how do you douse the flames before they torch your love life? Schneer recommends cracking a joke, switching the topic to something you both enjoy, or simply walking away to cool off if the situation gets too toxic. Love may be blind, but contempt? It's written all over your face.
Sky News AU
24-04-2025
- General
- Sky News AU
Marriage psychologist reveals the first sign of a future separation - with 94 per cent accuracy
If you want to know whether your marriage is heading for Splitsville, don't check your partner's phone — check their face. A one-sided mouth raise — that subtle smirk of superiority — might just be the number one red flag for divorce, according to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and mastermind behind one of the most extensive marriage studies ever conducted. His research, which was recently dissected on the hit Unplanned Podcast, found that four nasty little habits — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — are deemed the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' when it comes to dooming relationships. But it's contempt, experts warn, that is the true kiss of death. 'Dr. John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,' body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards recently told hosts Matt and Abbey Howard. 'He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise towards the other, he can tell you if they're going to get divorced — because he's looking for contempt,' she continued. And he knows his stuff. 'Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6% accuracy,' Van Edwards added. Contempt, Van Edwards explained, is the most corrosive of all the emotional saboteurs. 'Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,' she said. 'But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows.' She went on, noting, 'That is why at the end of a marriage you have two people who can't even look at each other.' Van Edwards suggests that if you catch a whiff of contempt — either from yourself or your partner — it's time to tackle it head-on. 'Ask, 'What's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.' Because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,' she said. 'And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.' She also believes many couples get stuck in endless loops of the same three arguments — they just don't realize it. 'You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments,' she advised. 'That way, when you're in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say 'this is argument number 2 — we're in a stalemate on this one.'' Clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer backed up Gottman's findings in a 2019 article, writing, 'Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.' He cited telltale signs like eye-rolling, mouth crimping — even subtle fidgeting, like picking at clothes or cleaning fingers mid-convo — as silent signals of disdain. Schneer dubbed this move 'The Lint Picker,' a behavior he says screams contempt louder than words ever could. So, how do you douse the flames before they torch your love life? Schneer recommends cracking a joke, switching the topic to something you both enjoy, or simply walking away to cool off if the situation gets too toxic. Love may be blind, but contempt? It's written all over your face. Originally published as Marriage psychologist reveals the first sign of a future separation - with 94 per cent accuracy
